FWB - how to ask and what to share

[Elixir86]

Hi,

First off, I don't need any offers on private message as I have options already.

But... Looking for some advice. I’m chatting to a few guys on OLD hoping to set up a FWB. My past sex life (long, unsatisfying marriage + lackluster flings) hasn’t exactly been great and I’ve only ever orgasmed solo, so I know it'll take time to relax and connect with someone.

Ideally, I’d like a FWB who I can actually hang out with too. Go on a few dates, watch a movie, have fun and not just a “show up and leave after” setup. Chemistry and comfort matter a lot to me if I’m going to enjoy sex.

How do I clearly communicate that I'm not looking for something long-term, but also not a cold, one-off hookup?
And is it too much of a turn-off to be honest that I haven’t had much luck with partners getting me there before?
For reference I'm 39 and it sucks to feel like you've never had good sex at this age especially as I feel men make assumptions because of my age that don't apply to me.

Just take your time. It can take a few meetings/dates to discuss all the stuff that needs to be discussed and before you're ready to move forward.

Just be up front from the get go. Dating apps usually let you set your profile to something that would suggest you are looking for nothing serious, but include it in your description and let people know when you first meet what you are looking for.

It'll take some time to sort the wheat from the chaff, but hopefully the time invested at the start will get you what you are looking for.

Iv been trying to find a similar setup (without much luck )

it’s not easy , what sites are you finding work best for you

@Isittolatetoloveagain sadly things are so far only at conversation stage in this process, but I want to be able to meet people with them clear on my requirements.
I've met people from bumble, Hinge and tinder before and neither is better than the other really. None have really gone past a date or two or it's been sex once and that's it so I haven't been able to learn much.
I feel people are much more open on Feeld, but as of yet i haven't met anyone from there.

@Mysticguru strangly I find that although sex has not been good for me I'm fairly confident about new experiences with people. I just need a particular type I think. And one that wants to revisit.

@MySXforumnn yes, i have it set that I'm after something short term, but OK if it became something as eventually I'd hope to meet someone for the long haul but right now it's about figuring the sex out with someone consistent.
Sadly I think a lot of men put the same, when actually they just want a ONS (even though there are "casual fun" statuses)

I want to make sure I can be clear that I do need someone who is confident and can lead in the bedroom and is happy to work with me to a) get complete pleasure and b) tick some things off lol.

A FWB is just like any other friendship or relationship in that it has to develop naturally though? I think you can be open that is what you are after. But you just have to meet lots of people (and maybe sleep with a few too) until eventually you both know you want to carry on meeting up. Enjoy the search 😉

@Gymbunny2025 yes, you are definitely right. It's important that it's comfortable and organic in nature.
I think i want to make sure I'm clear that I'm looking for ongoing connection and the fun dates bit and not give an impression that I want something super casual with just a hook up.
All my prior interactions post divorce have been so short lived that I never seem to get past the first slightly awkward sexual encounter.
At my age I've got a mass of things I've never done and am keen to try so it's communicating well so everyone knows the deal and maybe I get to tick some off.

Compatibility is important at some level. You're not living with this person but having the same interests and tastes help when relaxing out of the bedroom.
So the same taste in food, music, film, art etc that make up conversation. As for the sexual part you'll get there slowly or quickly depending on the chemistry and how uninhibited you both are. Some sexual relationships take longer to get into the groove IYSWIM.
And boundaries are important. They need to know when to leave for example and respect your boundaries and your space.
I've had a number of FWB's and they have all been different. I think the key is openness and honesty with what you're both looking for.

OP, for context, l’m a little bit older than you and prefer to meet people in real life.

In these circumstances l think l would say something like “not looking at for ever and ever but not a hello and a quick goodbye either. Seeking meaningful chats, extreme passion and chemistry with a lot of soul to enjoy precious hours to the full”.

As an aside, do l hate this FWB term which seems to be so many different things to different people. I’m old school and much prefer the term “lover”.

It sounds like your requirements (dates, movies, sex, ongoing connection and possibly the long haul) are bluring the line bwtween boyfriend and FWB.
Is there a reason you want to tick things off your fucket list with someone who you don't regard as a partner?
Whilst I've no problem with casual sex or FWBs, I think it's easier for two people to learn what rocks their socks off when there's commitment.

Depending on what things are on your list to tick off... have you tried some kink specific workshops, forums, socials? Great way to meet like minded people who are able to communicate clearly about sex. Also some of the female led groups like KillingKittens and (if you're open to f/f fun) SkirtClub?

I totally agree with this. I think you might be (unintentionally) limiting your search.

As @StarlightLady says meet people irl and then you can just be open to what develops

Also for me having deep trust and connection is so important for losing inhibitions and exploring sex. I just wouldn’t be able to relax if I was aware he had strict boundaries about when I needed to leave as a pp said. In fact I’d end up feeling quite used if I was on a timer he had set

@mnmnddddd i would somewhat agree. I think that's why I want to phrase it right. I think for a long term partner I would be more fussy. I have kids and don't want more, I want someone who is rather close location wise, job, long term goals, travel plans etc are all important. With a FWB I guess I discount some of those. Its more attraction, and getting along. I can keep my eye out for the long term while I am enjoying time with someone else.
The dates bit is because I don't want it to just be meet, fuck, go home. I think id feel used like @Gymbunny2025 says. I need to feel like it's an open ended meet up not timed.
Having been through the breakup of a relationship I was basically in for my entire adult life, I don't really want to step straight back into the prospect of long term having had to detach my life from someone.

@Mysticguru thanks for those pointers. I definitely want to make sure I'm open and honest. I hope I can be clear on boundaries too. I think I'm generally OK at communicating, but worry more about phrasing things that I give the wrong impression. I struggle more with reading the communication coming back but that might be because a number of men can just be saying what you want to hear to achieve their end goals.

@StarlightLady i like the term lover. I was married for a long time and didn't have that sexual awakening that I feel a lot of young people go through where it's fun and no pressure so that phrase hits nice in my brain where I can be me with my life but I lover on the side. I think the Friend focus on FWB is key to me. I'd genuinely love it if I had someone I was already friends with and you just had sex when needed. But I don't so it means finding something from scratch.

Really appreciate the comments. I will try and separate off some of my thinking in case I am unintentionally limiting things.

I am in a similar situation. I haven’t been looking for a big “proper” relationship but would love to meet someone whose company I enjoyed and who I fancied for repeat shagging and dating :)

I think I have found someone that we would both like this to happen with, and actually it seems like perhaps neither of us minds if things develop into more than FWB. Makes me realise that for me to properly enjoy the idea of sex (let alone the actual act) I do need the emotional connection. I need to feel cherished and to be allowed to cherish them, the trust that comes with that actually helps me let go properly. And the trust lets you both work out what you like. So FWB isn’t ever going to work for me I dont think.

Plus what you didn’t like doing before might be different with a new partner.

I’m also wondering whether the reason I haven't been keen on a relationship is because my last one, quite some time ago, was not great and I had forgotten that it doesn’t necessarily need to be that way again. I have taken time to heal though and maybe getting to the point where I am ready to find the really good sex has had to wait until the healing has happened. Maybe the same for you?

Plus maybe don’t push yourself into having sex to find out what you like. I have never been able to reach orgasm without a vibrator before either alone or with a partner (I’m 49 ffs! That’s a lot of batteries over the years 😂) and recently managed it for the first time EVER without anything other than just my hand. I am so so proud of myself and chuffed that I am not somehow “broken” like I have always thought- and I’m so much more confident now that if things move forward with the new chap he will be able to as well- it’s totally take the pressure off in my mind. Would recommend OMGYES etc online for really good tips!

TL,DR: you might need the emotional connection of an actual commitment to get there. Don’t ignore the emotional healing you might need. Find out for yourself what gets you off, don’t expect someone else to be able to work it out. Good luck!

@NopeNotFluffy thankfully I am well versed in sorting myself out battery free haha. My ex was not focused on me at all, it was more him, and I lacked self confidence/self esteem to say something due to our bad foundations.
Amazing that you may have found someone that works for you. That's really great!!
I'd like to think i have healed quite well now (it's been 3 years) and I'm ready to get out there it's just navigating it all to get what you want without falsely selling yourself or coming over as too up front.

OP, from my (quite a lot of) experience, those who have concerns about a woman being up front are frightened of lost control and not the sort of person you’d want to be with anyway.

If looking for more than a few sessions let it take longer to develop.
After divorce and 3 years celibacy I gave up on men. I met present gf IRL. We spent weeks getting to know each other. She had not experienced f2f relationship before, I had only known quick sex in car type meetings. I decided that I wanted her as a friend. That was more important, we have been together over a year. Don't live together, go on dates sleep together once a week or so.
Try spending more time getting to know eachother first, some men Will do that too.

Op i think you need to focus on how to work out what the guy wants.
At the end of the day, they can say yes, yes i want exactly the same as you - and then get the sex and not follow through with regular pseudo-dates.
You will get 100s of responses regardless of what you say, because men see free sex as better than no sex, so dont worry too much about how you ask

Thanks all.
Yes, maybe I'm ok being up front and maybe I do need to figure out how to read them better and it's not all about me not describing what I am looking for effectively.

I've found from this thread that many men often don't take things in even when you are very clear. The number of private messages offering their services because we are "looking for the same thing" is unreal even though I felt the very first sentence of my post is unambiguous on that.

So disrespectful isn’t it. Assuming that you’re desperate. I hope you reported them!

OP, welcome to the “unwanted PM club” 😱

I’m sorry to hear you have received them. Anyone who does not read or take in your opening line is going to be a pain in the bum.

You should try fab swingers @Elixir86 that's where I've found my last couple of FWBs. The only word of caution though is similar to you i had never had an orgasm that wasn't through solo play and a lot of men took it as a challenge 🙄 I'm now very clear with new meets that if it happens fantastic but if it doesn't then im sure we will have fun anyway. The focus being put on my orgasm actually stopped it from happening as it was too much pressure! Of course I still wanted them to try and get me off and focus on my pleasure but reframing it as focus on my pleasure rather than focus on my orgasm helped take the pressure off and I've since got over the line so to speak with a few different guys. Good luck

I've found from this thread that many men often don't take things in even when you are very clear. - I'm not sure if they aren't taking it in or are just choosing to ignore it. And then they tell us we aren't being clear enough!

I’m past the curious stage. I had another female friend who had never had an orgasm during 1:1 sex. I offered to try and help, initially it was a no because she said she “was not a lesbian”.

She gave it further thought over time. I jokingly said well try it with your eyes closed so you can’t see who see who you are with. Orgasm during 1:1? She has now.

I quite like the term “gentleman friend” 😁