FWB - how to ask and what to share

[Elixir86]

Hi,

First off, I don't need any offers on private message as I have options already.

But... Looking for some advice. I’m chatting to a few guys on OLD hoping to set up a FWB. My past sex life (long, unsatisfying marriage + lackluster flings) hasn’t exactly been great and I’ve only ever orgasmed solo, so I know it'll take time to relax and connect with someone.

Ideally, I’d like a FWB who I can actually hang out with too. Go on a few dates, watch a movie, have fun and not just a “show up and leave after” setup. Chemistry and comfort matter a lot to me if I’m going to enjoy sex.

How do I clearly communicate that I'm not looking for something long-term, but also not a cold, one-off hookup?
And is it too much of a turn-off to be honest that I haven’t had much luck with partners getting me there before?
For reference I'm 39 and it sucks to feel like you've never had good sex at this age especially as I feel men make assumptions because of my age that don't apply to me.

@Elixir86

I literally posted the same on the relationship board.
I’m done with relationships for the time being and and more inclined to a fwb.

i had a dire time on OLD, the men are just not for me.

How has it been for you so far?

@everythingblows I've not had much luck yet with the FWB set up, but I'm going to continue.
Just making sure I'm clear on what I want and go from there.
Prior to that I was more relationship hunting but I think that was even harder and I've realised I maybe need to get a few things out of my system so to speak.

Or a few things in your system 😀😘.

F'narr f'narr. 🤣

Wishing you well OP x.

@Elixir86 , just be totally transparent and honest with what you want/are seeking. Men will value that. There's great power in just having a bit of fun and not thinking terribly much about the serious stuff. Relationship hunting these days is so, so difficult, and if you can meet a guy who is patient, focused on you, with few hangups or commitments, that would probably be ideal for you. Someone skilled, inventive, exploratory, altruistic, and who loves good sex. Probably someone focused on there career, perpetually single, but needing a release, just like you. 😊 Good luck and all the best with It!

I would say you want what I term ‘reliable casual’. This is meeting up at intervals that suit you both, primarily for sex, but with the option for a little more. And often with lots of conversation.

You need to say you need sexual rehabilitation after bad previous experiences. And that you are relatively innocent/naive.

BUT I’d only say that once you’ve started messaging someone, so you’ve already filtered them (otherwise you will get lots of unwanted attention).

You will probably be shocked when I say that the perfect guys for sexual healing are, imo, younger guys. An appreciative/caring 20-something will not overwhelm you (well, not in a bad way 😅) and will be a lot more pliant, considerate and keen to please. Also very good at no strings, but solid and reliable. And keen.

Very few guys 28-45 want no strings unless being unfaithful. So you’ll get 45+ guys and under 28. The older ones are out for their own pleasure. The younger ones are out for yours.

Younger ones also just not jaded somehow, and been brought up to be more respectful of women.

v sorry to all the lovely older ones out there, don’t like to generalise, but this is my observation.

oh and make sure you get one who quickly mentions loving giving oral sex. If there’s a lot of talk of them pleasuring you and no mention of his head between your legs, don’t bother with that one. You need a guy who adores the female body and soul.

@SamkaSabrinka

Don't you just hate generalisations?

Ps
Also they will be naturally physically affectionate in an unselfconscious way, and not worry about being too nice to you, but they will never be stifling.

And they will never force you or oblige you to do anything you don’t want, but rather be patient and led by your desire and response.

And nothing they do will turn you off. In my experience..

You can see why I like them ☺️

Yes but they are unavoidable sometimes

I disagree :)

@SamkaSabrinka I always love your posts. I think you make some really good points. Having read mumsnet posts on older men 🙅‍♀️

Do you have another younger lover now? I think you had a traumatic experience previously?

Thank you ☺️

Yes, I do. He is lovely and I feel like all that I am is totally seen and appreciated.

I also took the advice of my female Ukrainian friend and have 2-3 ‘just in-cases’. These are stalwarts for sympathetic and distracting conversation, and one deputy lover for actual sex.

I feel like I am able to lay down new positive right tracks now. As one of them even said. Time to overwrite the bad pathways with new good experiences.

These cannot be life partners, but I am healing myself in preparation for a full time partner of no doubt an older age group, at some point. When I stumble across that holy grail.

So to @Mysticguru, who is not happy with my generalisations about older men (which only come from my experience), I’m not writing them off, of course not. They just have sterling competition. And I’ve been accepting of a lot of poor male behaviour in the past, but now no more need to compromise.

Yes, it is a competition. Because now I’m only going to give with complete openness and generosity to a guy who deserves it.

Love that for you ❤️

No gentlemen on here. Lol.

Haha do you think not? No maybe not. Welcome ☺️

aw thank you, well it’s taken me over two decades of adult life to allow myself to accept my value ☺️ idk why 🤷‍♀️

Some great points @SamkaSabrinka and I think I tend to migrate towards someone slightly younger as I guess I feel that I won't seem like such of a novice compared to an older man.

I also see a lot of older men are still learning about toxic masculinity and it takes purposeful thought to value women as equals and appreciate that them wanting to explore themselves sexually doesn't make them easy/a s*#t etc.
And no, that's not all older men, there will be a lot of lovely older men out there.
I guess I think a lot of the older men who have that are already snapped up so there will be fewer of them in the pool that is available.
Many of the younger men have grown up with these ideas as the norm therefore there might be more chance they think in a more modern way.
I'd say my thoughts are tarnished by the fact that my ex was my age and it was always about him and the only other older man was similar.
It's been the younger ones who have been more focused on me.

Unfortunately, all my conversations have dropped off. One was an arranged date but after the 3rd time of him asking how casual I wanted things he unmatched the day before we were due to meet. Even though I was clear, he obviously only wanted a hook up.
Im feeling in a bit of a rut now with nothing in the pipeline, but I go away with my kids next week so seems pointless trying to start anything as I don't want to waste energy chatting with someone for 2 weeks and not meet.

Ah that’s a shame- have a lovely time away and restart your search in September (lots of men are probably planning the same!)

Maybe @SamkaSabrinka can give you some tips about realising your value too ☺️

@Elixir86 , all the best with this. Very, very challenging to meet a mature, not necessarily meaning age, guy, who is confident in himself, who Isn't remotely judgemental, up for exploration, and meets all of your criteria. Also someone who cares about the wellbeing of the person he's having fun with, and not a one-off wam bam type of scenario. In the slightly younger bracket, mid 30's, you ought to find someone who would be thrilled to take the lead, but is simultaneously focused on ensure you enjoy yourself and discover the aspects of good sex you've not had the pleasure to enjoy yet.

Oh @Elixir86 you have expressed the situation so, so well - much better than me, with clarity on what I’ve also observed and felt. Two points really resonate - that men brought up in an earlier time do often have to detox their perception of the opposite sex, and that the pool of lovely men is also way smaller in older age groups, because many may still be in their life relationships.

I absolutely agree that younger generations of men have been exposed to a consciously-different upbringing and cultural indoctrination with regards to who women are and how they deserve to be treated, even to the extent of what is attractive. I have had same age or older boyfriends thinking I wasn’t ‘making an effort’ if not wearing make-up, whereas younger guys love the privilege of the trust and intimacy of no make-up. As well as appreciating me sometimes dressed up for them, they adore reality. And I adore that about them.

My advice:
30-somethings tend to get partnered up and have kids. Those not sorted may be more likely to be a bit fly by night.
so
My preference is 20-something. Certainly got reliability, seriousness, genuineness and honesty. They will say this is obviously something a bit outrageous but if we get on, it could do us both good for an indefinite period of time. He will learn what really makes women happy. You will heal and have rosy cheeks and feel happy and look 25 years younger. Win win.

Selected with relative care, many of the 20-somethings I’ve talked to want a regular connection, meeting up as often as possible, having a kind of relationship. No one/night stands.

@Elixir86 as a holiday treat, go on hinge and put in your profile that you’d love a kind appreciative younger guy for regular sex.. you’ll have so many options then, I’m sure 😂😂

@SamkaSabrinka some great tips there thanks.
And I'd love to attempt that on a holiday, I'm sure the men in the area could be interesting, but alas, I am of the half time parenting variety and therefore this is my holiday with the offspring.

No I mean throw out the net and see who approaches you on hinge, then you’ll have something to read while hopefully getting the chance to lie on the beach or something. Great downtime, sifting through hot guys 😌😅