I may never have sex again. I’m devastated.

[MrsArchchancellorRidcully]

My DH and I last had sex on my 50th birthday. Just over 3 years ago. I now realise we may never do it again and I don’t know what to do.

DH (58) was diagnosed with type II diabetes in 2020. He was quick to take action and lost a load of weight and got his levels under control but he still takes tablets for it daily. He soon started with erectile dysfunction and was prescribed viagra. This worked initially but made him feel very unwell. Headachy and nauseous.

fast forward to 2022 and he’s tried other brands and been back to the gp but all they said is his vit D levels were low and put him on vit d tablets.

he’s now said to me that nothing works now and he can’t get an erection even on viagra. The gp has referred him to a specialist but said it could take 3 yrs or more to see someone. We can’t afford private.

I am still sexually awake IYKWIM. I masturbate regularly but I miss our sex life and closeness dreadfully. We rarely touch or kiss or hold hands and I am worried our relationship was based on sex alone. I had a gastric sleeve op last year and am feeling better than I have in years. I like how I look and wish he did too or at least said it to me!!

But then I think how supportive he’s been to me over the years eg changing my maternity pad for me when I couldn’t manage it after our 2nd child was born. I can’t contemplate having an affair and I think the answer is to put up with things. But he’s quite depressed about everything in general he’s self employed and his business hadn’t been earning much money lately so I’m paying for most things. Which I don’t mind but I think we need to rekindle our spark but how if no sex is on the table? He used to be a very enthusiastic lover but now gets irritated if I even want to talk about it.

Does anyone have a magic wand to wave???🙏🙏🙏🙏

@MrsArchchancellorRidcully - so sorry to hear your predicament. I’ve been there, but I’ve been the man.

I wrote this post earlier this year which might help you both. Ultimately, there is always a fix, if he wants to get fixed.

have a read and let me know if you have any questions.

I’m a type one diabetic btw

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/sex/5243311-ed-a-mans-story

Once you have explored the many other suggestions which will no doubt be offered to help you, it maybe worth an honest conversation about opening up your relationship. He may secretly like the idea of you with another man or even watching and you would have no shortage of guys of all ages lining up to have a fuck buddy style thing going on with or without being watched. Plenty of websites around for finding the hook ups if you created a separated post and went down that route. I think if you feel you have many more years to still sexually enjoy you can’t write off PIV for ever.

Has he tried alternatives to Viagra?

There are other medications other than sidinifel.

Also there are privately available injectable ED medications whilst you wait for a hospital referral.

Does he watch porn?

He has tried most of the mainstream tablets to no avail. I wasn’t aware of private injections. I know I need to have a frank discussion in a loving way. He has absolutely no sexual desire at all so is not bothered about no sex and doesn’t seem to care that I’m slowly dying inside. I feel young and fit and just want to be desired! He used to watch porn but doesn’t anymore as it does nothing for him. In fact if he goes away for work I’m the one who watches porn now. Fairly soft massage stuff but even so.

Thanks so much for sharing your info @Smithey588 I’ve read it whilst drinking my morning cuppa. It’s very honest and brave. I will talk to DH about it on holiday when we go away and do some research. I’ve no doubt he’s down about his ED but hasn’t got any routes to go down and with little desire there’s little motivation.

Sounds like a hormonal or psychological issue to me, have you discussed an open relationship?

@CestLaVieYouSee It might surprise you to know that not all men get off on the idea of their wives fucking someone else. Some might even consider it problematic.

@MrsArchchancellorRidcully However you resolve this, the only routes to success are rooted in compassion and understanding, on both sides. Otherwise, someone is going to get hurt, and even that may be inevitable.
I wish you luck.

What part of ‘he may’ did you not understand then? 🙌🏼

The lack of libido could be down to hormones rather than his diabetes or ED. Has he asked his GP to check his testosterone levels?

If you had no interest in fishing, would it be logial to assume you liked watching your husband fishing?
You might be happy for him to indulge his interests, but it seems a stretch to suggest that you might enjoy watching him fishing.

How much would it cost to ‘go private’?

Also

Can you go to a sex therapist?

Typically £300 for an initial consultation.

money very well spent of you can afford it.

But he has to want to get fixed.

Most men with complete ED are in denial and believe once it’s broken , there’s no way it can be fixed - and therefore their libido drops off a cliff as well. They effectively give up and resign to a life of ED and ‘floppyness’

However, there are so many things that can bring back an erection - vacuum pumps , injections and an implant.

I've been down a similar road to Smithey588, although not as far. My initial issue was a drastic reduction in sensitivity caused, I believe, by circumcision that resulted in difficulty achieving ejaculation. This eventually led to ED. I started with Viagra and it worked for a few years. Then Cialis. Then daily Cialis. Nothing lasted long term. I now use a vacuum pump and it at least allows me to satisfy my wife. My urologist has offered a prescription for Tri-mix injections, but I have to admit that the thought of sticking needles into my willy makes me a bit nervous!

Go for the implant!

it’s the best decision I’ve ever made!

I empathise with your husband. It must be difficult for him to deal with ED.
However, that doesn't give him the right to wipe sex off the table for both of you.

There are many options he could be investigating, but he's choosing not to. And this way he's choosing this life for both of you. That hardly seems fair. You shouldn't be done having sex, not if you're not ready for that. And that makes him both a victim of his condition, but also incredibly selfish.

He should be having regular visits with his urologist. You should be in sex therapy together. He should be exploring other medication and pumps. But most of all, he should be exploring other ways to have a sex life with you, even when that doesn't include PIV sex. There are so many ways a couple can still be sexually active when you stop focussing all sex on having a penis entering a vagina.

And him not doing any of those things should make you angry. You deserve this effort from him.

"However, that doesn't give him the right to wipe sex off the table for both of you"

Thats a wildly different take from you than the other thread when the roles were reversed.

This is pretty harsh, having been the man with ED I can tell you it’s absolutely horrific not being able to satisfy your partner and very emasculating.

I managed to get myself sorted, but I was financially able to do so. A NHS urologist appointment takes approximately two years, a pump costs money, he’s tried PSE5’s and they don’t work, a private consult is £300 and an implant is £12,000-£15,000 if you go private.