Obsessing over oral sex

[9YearsOfPain]

Hello - haven’t ventured onto this board before.

Long story short, birth injuries mean I can’t have PIV sex. It’s been really hard for me and my DH (I have PTSD from it as well) and any sort of sexual contact has dwindled much of the time. I’m now peri-menopausal to boot.

I have some toys I use as a release and husband is free to do whatever he needs to as well without judgement from me (he doesn’t want to have sex with anyone else).

The other night I had a dream about a man I was with before my husband. He was absolutely amazing at oral sex and would give me incredibly strong orgasms. Now it’s all I can think about. Not just when I’m alone but literally all the time. I imagine men I see on TV or on the street “down there”. I don’t know what to do about it. Part of me is enjoying feeling some level of arousal, and remembering when I felt desired and able to do anything I wanted to, but there’s a big part of me that is spiralling about how shit the current situation is and that the future probably won’t feature any such sensations again. I‘m really sad about that.

I’ll probably start HRT in the next month or two and am not sure how that is going to impact things. Anyone got any words of wisdom?

Is the main barrier to oral your appearance or something else?

Oh, that’s a complicated answer.

I have a tendency to freeze up at the thought of activity with DH. He wanted children more than me so there’s an element of blame in there, I guess. I’m very “in my head” in that scenario and unable to relax. And then enormous guilt that I’m unable to have the sort of sex life he would like. (He has suggested buying various “internal” toys, but I can’t even have a smear test anymore so that’s not helpful.). He says he finds hand jobs don’t have the sort of intimacy he likes.

Try a blindfold on you, then imagine it’s the man who gave you those oral bj orgasms that you cannot stop thinking about? I’m sure your DH will just be lost in the pleasure of sex with you again✊🏿

You're right that is complicated. That's quite a psychological barrier to get past. His toys suggestion isn't especially helpful - what was he suggesting? Would you accept oral off someone else?

No need to tell me you’re male.

I just wanted to comment and say I have also had really vivid dreams occasionally of an ex and became almost obsessed with ‘just one last time’ kind of thoughts. They did fade of course. But quite overwhelming at the time.

I think he thought that if I could find a toy manageable/pleasurable, it may allow me to work up to PIV, because that’s what he really misses. But it’s just not feasible.

I can’t imagine being intimate with anyone else, no. It’s been such a car crash down there and the fear of my scar splitting again is all consuming.

Thank you. It’s not even really him. I guess it’s the attention to my pleasure. But as I said, I’m transferring that to complete strangers on the Tube at the moment!

If his only aim is PIV then that's off the table, I guess, and he needs to come to terms with that. I was trying to push on this point in your dream, if your DH offered you luxurious and gentle oral, would that have minimal risk of disrupting the scar, and also be enjoyable for you? I guess we have to put to one side, too, that I don't think you see him playing that role...if not him would you receive that treatment from someone else?

Oh ok- for me it was absolutely about one man. Not helpful when he’s still in the periphery of my life either!!

can you try and enjoy the feeling of arousal (on the tube etc)? Get a new toy? Or are you finding it unpleasant?

Thank you!

I wouldn’t be able to switch off, I don’t think.

I don’t feel the same way about myself anymore so can’t imagine being with anyone else either.

Yikes! I did bump into a different ex some years ago in a supermarket. It was a weird sensation of fanny gallops from the past and then the reality of the person he had become. 😂

Have been eyeing up new toys as I am enjoying the sensation. It just makes me sad that I have these feelings but it’s not something I can drag into reality.

There has to be a toy, non threatening, that simulates the sensation? Would that be a nice way of bringing it to life but in a more limited way?

That’s what I have already. I only have those sorts of toys. But it’s not quite the same, and I can be left feeling kind of hollow if that makes sense. Because there is something about someone else being so focused on your pleasure rather than something that is just automatic.

Are you a woman? I’ve never found one?! A tongue and lips are soft and warm…

I think you're to much in your head as you explained in PP.
It could be that when you're masturbating with your toys there's a safety of feeling in control and you're not going to get hurt. Whereas when you hand over to someone else you're not in control and damage could be done.
This is both psychological and physical. I'm guessing you don'[t like DH touching you either.
Have you had therapy OP?

@9YearsOfPain I can't offer any help OP, although I am someone who is also unable to enjoy sex due to injuries (completely different from yours) that I am not to blame for. I wish there was more understanding and options for people in our circumstances.

Years and years of it.

Did it include psychosexual somatics (PST) therapy?

Psychosexual Somatics Therapy (PST) is a body-oriented approach to resolving sexual and intimacy issues by addressing both the mind and body. It's a form of therapy that combines elements of psychotherapy, neuroscience, trauma therapy, osteopathy, myofascial release, energy psychology, and clinical sexology. PST focuses on the understanding that sexual difficulties often stem from a combination of cognitive (mind) and somatic (body) symptoms, and aims to re-regulate the nervous system to create lasting change.

It was psychosexual but sounds a bit different to that.

@9YearsOfPain

Maybe worth investigating

Been reading up on it. Doesn’t seem to be anyone anywhere near me and some of the descriptions are quite scary!

@9YearsOfPain

All therapy is scary. Self reflection is what therapy is about.

Have you had couples therapy or sex therapy with your husband?

Am I right in assuming that your main worry is that any kind of sexual activity between you and your husband will lead to him wanting PIV in the end?
Because if that's true, this is something that you could discuss in therapy together. I've worked with couples who - for whatever reason - coudn't or didn't want PIV anymore, but were able to have quite an enjoyable sex life together because they both respected that boundary and wouldn't dare to venture there, even in the heat of the moment. Would you trust your husband to do that?