Obsessing over oral sex

[9YearsOfPain]

Hello - haven’t ventured onto this board before.

Long story short, birth injuries mean I can’t have PIV sex. It’s been really hard for me and my DH (I have PTSD from it as well) and any sort of sexual contact has dwindled much of the time. I’m now peri-menopausal to boot.

I have some toys I use as a release and husband is free to do whatever he needs to as well without judgement from me (he doesn’t want to have sex with anyone else).

The other night I had a dream about a man I was with before my husband. He was absolutely amazing at oral sex and would give me incredibly strong orgasms. Now it’s all I can think about. Not just when I’m alone but literally all the time. I imagine men I see on TV or on the street “down there”. I don’t know what to do about it. Part of me is enjoying feeling some level of arousal, and remembering when I felt desired and able to do anything I wanted to, but there’s a big part of me that is spiralling about how shit the current situation is and that the future probably won’t feature any such sensations again. I‘m really sad about that.

I’ll probably start HRT in the next month or two and am not sure how that is going to impact things. Anyone got any words of wisdom?

Have you been to therapy together? Might help and they could guide you towards exercises just designed to desensitise you to his touch (generally, not sexually). Massages etc.

You don't mention how long ago your injury was but it doesn't sound sustainable to have a completely sexless marriage if he's missing it and there's no oral, hands etc. Do you want to stay married to him deep down?

I’ve had therapy on and off for well over 20 years. This sounds like a very different approach than I’m used to, which I’m open to, but there are frequent statements about “no genital touching” and “yoni massage” which is a bit 😬.

Yes, we’ve had therapy together, but not for some time. Predominantly looking at our relationship rather than sex specifically. It’s not easy because he generally feels that it’s all my issue - I’m avoidant, ND, have the injuries (and a male gynae sending me home with a set of hard plastic dilators gave him the impression that it was just needing to be stretched out - until I ended up in A+E after it split when I was getting out of the bath). And now he has no clue how to support the perimenopause element. So it’s just easier (in my head) not to go there, because there is so much piled up behind it.

I do. We’ve never had a conventional relationship. There have been a number of times when he has been a bit nasty and has threatened to leave - I’ve always told him that we are both choosing to stay and if at any time either of us decides it isn’t working, we are free to leave. I said I would be happy for him to have sex with other people if he wanted or needed to. He hasn’t opted to. The rest of our life works pretty well and I don’t feel a need to throw it away just because of sex.

It’s almost 15 years since I had DC. It took 7 years of battling to try to get the NHS to fix it and then 7 years ago was when I ended up in A+E. It was terrifying. And that has been brought back by a recent attempt to have a smear and an internal scan which resulted in some damage to the tissues which took several uncomfortable weeks to heal.

I don’t think I want or need regular sex anyway. And fear that opening that door would make it something DH would push for, because I know the current status is upsetting to him in many ways. Most of the time I don’t have this level of desire. Maybe it’s hormonal and will go away again.

A documentary covered some of the PST principles. I can't remember the name of it at the moment. If i do I'll DM you.
It really isn't as scary as your mind is perceiving.

Thank you.

You just need to get DH to go down on u and be gentle

I can’t understand why you haven’t seen a urogynae specialist birth trauma mdt team and had this corrected
I had a 4th degree tear years ago and was faecally incontinent, needed a catheter and my entire vagina inside and out rebuilding three times. It was horrible and I was 21 and newly married
There are whole teams that address just this and while it’s not ideal I have it sorted now with some adaptions. We have a healthy sex life and even though it’s not the best I love that my dh loves my slightly wonky vagina .
PM me some basic area info if you feel able and I’ll suggest an appropriate team for an initial nhs referral and help you draft a request for referral from your GP. You should not be living like this x

This sounds like your desire is coming back but not necessarily for your husband, which suggests that the block is in the relationship. This is a lot to deal with - how is the relationship generally ? You mention resentment - that’s not ideal.

You assume I live somewhere with a functioning NHS.