Consent

[ArtemisFlop]

Someone please talk to me about this. Specifically in relation to condoms. So, for example, if you’ve been really clear it’s a boundary that you wear condoms, and you spend hours having sex wearing condoms, and during the same occasion, there’s an instance where you have sex and the person isn’t wearing a condom, and you initially don’t realise but when you realise you stop. Is that without consent?

Bump

Bump again

Yeah that’s non consensual and called ‘stealthing’, which is illegal

I’m really stressed out by it

As you should be. You communicated your boundaries, which protect you from pregnancy and STIs, and he knowingly trampled over them. As pp said, it’s illegal. He’s a selfish criminal. Dump.

If condoms were discussed and agreed upon, any respectful partner would then understand that switching to not using condoms would also need to be discussed and agreed upon - if this did not happen, there was no consent.

Thanks @Bromdad,when I realised and stopped it he was apologetic. It was a situation where it was much less visible to me that there was no condom (he was behind me). And he’s a lot more sexually experienced than me. Afterwards he said he got carried away. So I guess the thought I have is, was his responsibility to ensure he was wearing a condom greater than mine?

if agreement was to wear condoms then he should have respected that, front or behind , no excuses! Out of order !
p.s Iv had condoms split , but that’s different

That's illegal

If you can get lost in the moment and forget, he can get lost in the moment and forget.
On paper, although the risk of pregnancy is purely yours, the risk of parental responsibility is equal, as is STI transmission.
Legally, you'd probably be getting into the realms of intent and circumstances, like what both of you were doing immediately before and whether you knew that, at some point, he hasn't been wearing a condom. No one can objectively call this with more information. If it was anything but an innocent mistake, and it has been discussed previously, then at the very least it's a betrayal.of trust.

[... objectively call this without more ...] * *

This was not an innocent mistake, he made the decision to stick his dick in her without a condom despite knowing it was non negotiable

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, really appreciate it.

I googled stealthing, suggests it’s when it starts with a condom and then the guy takes it off without the woman noticing or knowing.
This wasn’t exactly the same.
On the one hand I think a guy knows whether he’s putting a condom on.

But noting what @mnmnddddd is saying about men being capable of getting lost in the moment too.

It’s someone who isn’t listening to you.

Would you say this about any other criminal act? Or just when a woman has been sexually assaulted?

I’m saying it’s a guy who isn’t listening to the very basic rules being set. Not relationship material.

What about other criminals? Do you consider if they are ‘relationship material’? It’s an odd thing to do!

Maybe they should overhaul the justice system. Instead of going to prison you are just sentenced to 5 years of being undatable 😂

OP, it depends on where you are. For example, in England, consent must be 'true', ie, it's not given if a condition isn't met. A separate issue is whether the perpetrator reasonably believed there was consent at the time. Insisting on condom use in advance would be relevant to both issues. Put it this way: is it reasonable to get so lost in the moment that one forgets this requirement?

Regardless of all that, it's his fault. It's not your fault.

What are the laws on stealthing in Australia out of interest @Catullus5? In England it is rape

In NZ it certainly is rape on the same basis as in England, ie, a person does not consent to something they've been tricked into, and the person doing it clearly won't have a reasonable belief that consent has been given. There have been some convictions.
https://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/timaru-man-jailed-for-stealthing-rape-of-sex-worker/AROLF5FXJNGATHBV5W32HCMOQQ

I don't know about Australia but I expect it's the same.

Oh sorry I thought you’d said you lived in Australia in a different thread 😂

No- though an ancestor of mine did get an... assisted passage there.

Where on earth did I get that thought in my head I wonder. Must be dreaming about you 😂

It must just be the blue southern seas calling you in your sleep! 🇳🇿