Men and orgasm expectations

[OneLemonGuide]

This isn’t a thread about a thread, but admit it is inspired by one that got me thinking.

It feels like we put a lot of pressure on men regarding orgasms, with the expectation that they’re responsible for both theirs and their partners during sex.

Women will often say things like “he gives me an orgasm, before he sorts himself out”. And women will often be disappointed in a man who struggles to “get her off”.

Not only that, they’re responsible for orgasming in the right way, and in the right timeframe during sex. It generally needs to be during PIV sex (if they don’t it’s “death grip”) and not too quickly and not take too long, but just right. The more I think about it I think a lot of women (and men) see sex as a “performance”… When things don’t go as desired we even call it performance anxiety ffs!

This can’t be healthy, and women’s expectations of how a man will “perform” is probably at least one part of the cause for the loads of sexual dysfunction out there.

For context, I’m now having the best sex of my life with my DP of nearly 2 years…And I think one of the key reasons it is so good is that there’s no expectation of orgasm from either side… When together we have lots of sex, a few times each day, and perhaps only 1/3 to 1/2 of those times end in an orgasm…. So still plenty orgasms when you add them up… It makes for an experience without pressure or fear of disappointment from either of us and I’ve found it liberating. Sex becomes the experience of enjoying each other’s bodies in the moment without expectation, with a focus on the “journey” not the “destination”.

Sometimes one of us will cum more frequently because we happen to be particularly horny, sometimes not, but it doesn’t matter, and it’s great!

Can’t remember the last time I climaxed through PIV alone

I fairly sexually adventurous even at 62 and it takes other actions other than PIV to get me to orgasm

I admit I would be incredibly disappointed if both of us didn’t orgasm at least once. And if it was a frequent occurrence I wouldn’t feel satisfied. I don’t know if that’s something to do with age though (and will have to accept it as we get older)

I have sex to have an orgasm, because I’m horny and I want one 😂. I expect to have one, and he doesn’t get me there I’d do it myself (not had to so far!). Luckily I come at the drop of a hat (or is that knickers 😂), so it’s not something he or I feel any pressure about.

I don’t on the other hand expect him to come - that’s up to him if he wants to stop or not. I’ll do my best to make sure he has one if he wants to. There’s no pressure on him whatsoever.

I think you're onto something there OP.

It's like sex has gradually become a kind of performance act rather than just shared intimacy.
Yes even the language around the act, and as you say expectations of men 'giving her an orgasm' in particular, are symptomatic of that type of mindset.

I agree that It's probably not healthy either, particularly when there are issues in the relationship, or intimacy or in the sexual "performance" of the man.....
oh well, that's life as we know it now I guess!?

Ok, but you can also say “giving him an orgasm”, not just her. I’ve never viewed it as “giving her an orgasm” and him “finding his own.”

And I think the term “giving an orgasm” has been around for a very long time and it’s not a new thing. Probably stems from the fact sex is about two people giving each other pleasure.

Think I must be lucky. We both orgasm every time, usually pretty much together at the end but occasionally not if one of us is really aroused and can’t stop it. If that happens we always make sure the other one has a happy ending usually using oral.

Suppose we are happily relaxed with each other

Your orgasm, your responsibility. Think about it!

I think he's only ever not orgasmed once or twice in our 9 years together and that was because he was stressed. I orgasm most times too. Occasionally I won't if I'm tired or if he comes too quick, which happens if we've gone few days with no sex but I don't mind about that as it's not often and I will have already came through foreplay. I see foreplay as " giving" orgasms because one person does their thing while the other lies back but intercourse is a combined effort. If it was a regular occurence for us both not to orgasm then I would not be satisfied. We have sex to feel close to each other and enjoy each other's bodies but ultimately it's to orgasm and release sexual tension.

I think turning sex into a high stakes game where even a single “failure” for both to reach orgasm results in “incredible disappointment” is a recipe for massively increasing the risk of performance anxiety and sexual dysfunction down the line.

I’ve been with my partner a couple of years, both late (very late!) 40s, and though he orgasms quite frequently, he often doesn’t , especially if we go for multiple rounds in a day! He says it’s definitely different from his 20s when he would orgasm very easily and more frequently… If we’d been incredibly disappointed every time we didn’t both cum, then we’d likely have split by now, instead of the amazing sex we are having.

We’ve been married a lot longer than you’ve been with your partner. And all good so far. It’s what works for us

That’s good, and I hope it continues to work for you… but there’ll likely come a time in your marriage when one or other of you doesn’t orgasm with quite the same ease as you do now, so it’s worth adjusting expectations so it isn’t devastating to your sex life if that does happen… though hopefully it won’t.

Same for us - I don’t have to worry about disappointment because I’m never disappointed 😂

But to add seriously, if one of us couldn’t orgasm there wouldn’t be any weirdness. I’d be disappointed if I didn’t come, but I wouldn’t be disappointed with HIM.

He doesn’t always come - and I’m sure he’s not disappointed in me. I’m quite secure in the fact that I give him what he likes and asks for; I’m enthusiastic, willing and confident when having sex, so I never feel like I’ve done a poor job if he’s not got to the finish line. Usually, it’s nothing to do with what’s happening but all to do with what’s going on in his head.

When I have sex there’s literally nothing else in my head so I don’t have that problem 😂

Totally agree with this, as an older man things don’t always work how they used to in 20’s and at times (some) people on this forum don’t seem the realise how ageing can affect men’s sexual function

Yes, I’m not saying every male-female sexual partnership is defined by the woman expecting the man to be responsible for her orgasm, whilst also assuming there’s something majorly wrong if he doesn’t orgasm after a few minutes of him thrusting, but i still think there’s a tendency for this mindset in many relationships.

I have sex to have an orgasm, because I’m horny and I want one 😂.

I used to be like this, and there’s nothing wrong in having sex because you want the release an orgasm brings… but for me now there’s another dimension.

I sometimes have sex because I’m extremely horny and I really want an orgasm (though even then occasionally I can’t quite reach the threshold for whatever reason, though if this happens I nearly always cum when we do it again some time later).

But we’ll quite often have sex, especially if we’ve both cum last night or earlier that day, which is more driven by a desire to be close and connected rather than sexual tension. Yes, there’s enough desire to be aroused, but the sex is more gently a slow and soothing, rather than hot and horny. We’ll often just have a chat about shit and generally spend time having a slow comfortable shag lying on the bed spooning or in some other relaxing position. Sometimes we might even just snooze mid-session! We generally don’t reach orgasm during these times, but it’s beautiful nonetheless, just not urgent and horny. Is this kind of sex unusual?… it feels like it is given the apparent focus being squarely on achieving that orgasm.

But you’re having sex a few times a day- most long term couples don’t have that!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect us both to orgasm when we are together (especially as we both do when solo). And it doesn’t have to be just through PIV- it isn’t now- but yes I think we’d both be disappointed if one or both of us didn’t finish. I know he absolutely would if I didn’t.

I definitely feel that as I've got older (I'm 65 now) I can get horny, really enjoy sex and feel close and intimate but not finish. If I felt that that was 'disappointing' or a 'failure' for my partner, then that would destroy all the pleasure and intimacy and instead make sex a cause of anxiety.

Sex, my relationship with it and the role it has in my life has definitely changed as I have got older. This is surely the same for everyone; teenage sex is obviously very different to mature adult sex - and that evolution continues until we give up on it altogether

I read an article saying something similar just this morning.

My current partner means I'm having to adapt my thinking from

we both orgasm = successful sex
to
we both have lots of fun = successful sex

It's hard, as I've always seen an orgasm as a sign of success. I need to believe him when he tells me he's having lots of fun, even though his ED means I'm not sure he is, or can be.

My husband is like this - he says he has a great time even if he doesn’t come.

Hindu's through tantra have been practicing this for thousands of years.

Not just responsibility for orgasms but he also has to achieve and maintain a solid erection throughout this whole process!
Sex can be quite a challenge for men.

I think that the expectations of an older man maintaining an erection for ages should be lowered.
After all it only needs to be rigid when it is needed to be

@OneLemonGuide I'd agree that sex can sadly become a high stakes game when there is a lack of an orgasm from either party (and then subsequently the potential for sexual disfunction).
It might be less important if you regularly have them but if like me you can't seem to have one with a male partner it makes for a rather sad existence.
I think as a female who can orgasm easily solo, but has also only been able to orgasm about 10 times with a partner it means that psychologically it feels like "I can do it myself so why can't a man". That it turn leads to the notion of a man can give me one. Not saying that is a good thing, but that's where the disfunction now sits.

I'm not sure I'd say that in sex a man is responsible for his own. I'd take that as my "job". Yes, it can be an easier job as many men only require piv to get there but that's just the luck of their psyche and means they tend to be more easily satisfied. But I still want to successfully play my part and get him to where he needs to go regardless of how that is.

@OneLemonGuide my pleasure comes from( sorry no pun intended😄) making sure my partner is sexually satisfied and yes enjoying orgasms , in some cases multiple ones. If I get to orgasm then that’s fine but in my case it’s the ladies pleasure that I always puts first! I m comfortable talking openly and frankly with partners to find out their likes and dislikes , tht helps to make the experience more pleasurable. Good luck✊🏿