What to do?

[Ohdear1975]

So, I’m 50. A mother and grandmother. Been with my husband for 20 years.

we used to have a great sex life. Sadly, over the last 6 years this has dwindled to almost never. He has diabetes and nerve damage and no longer has any sexual desire. I’ve supported him (took months/years) to go to his GP for help. We’ve had some success (really not much) and he still has no desire. It’s all on me to instigate and the vast majority of the time he turns me down. I’ve lived with and accepted this. I adore him and live our life together.

this is the issue. We went out together last weekend. Had a great time and visited a pub after. I got chatting to a group of people and a woman said she thought I was beautiful. There was a definite attraction. Long story short, we ended up kissing in the loos and exchanging numbers.

I literally did not realise that I have been suppressing my sexual feelings - until that night. It’s like something has been awakened in me.

i am super loyal (despite my husband having cheated on me 10 years ago. I chose to stay and we worked through it. I know it’s never happened since and we renewed our wedding vows).

I can’t deny I am interested - I literally can’t think of anything else since. I don’t want to leave my husband and absolutely don’t want to have and affair but I can’t deny the chemistry and do want to explore. I feel alive again and this makes me sad and glad all at the same time.

i did tell my husband I was propositioned by a woman and his he would he feel if I pursued this as I think I may like to. He shut me down. It’s his right to do so. We are married after all. I understand this but if I’m honest, I want to d polite. It’s woken something in me. I don’t want to leave my husband. I don’t want an affair or a relationship with anyone else. Ever. But I want to feel fulfilled again. I absolutely cannot stop thinking about this. What do I do?

Sorry for my typos

Please don't read this as me being judgmental but I think you already know what you're going to do, you're going to go further with this woman.
The fact is you told your husband half a story and was pretty much seeking permission to go with her and he shut you down so now you're here wanting to get justification.

Again I'm not judging but you say you don't want an affair but you've already cheated and crossed that line. Be prepared for the fallout if it backfires.

The age old and probably correct response here is how would you feel you found out it was your husband had cheated in this way?

@Baggiesfan thats a fair response but its absolutely not a done deal, by any means. My husband has cheated on me in the past (more than once) and that probably goes a way to feeling the way I do and why I’m so confused. I’m trying to work this out

see, normally I would have said end your relationship now and move on. So I am going to sound like a hypocrite saying this!

He has cheated, i would never forgive that personally. BUT, I get why you did. In your shoes, i would experiment with this woman, you only live once. He is not fulfilling your entire relationship. Without intimacy you may as well just be friends with your husband

@Ohdear1975 you are a woman who’s needs are being neglected by DH, like YIU say he never thought twice about cheating on you! Your libido has heightened and you desire the intimacy sex brings, but it’s not going to come from your DH. How often are you thinking about doing something about it?

I didn’t at all until I met this person. Men have come onto me in recent times and I have completely shut it down (not interested in the slightest). I didn’t look for nor expect this and I’m so confused

If you want to feel sexaully fulfilled, great.
If you want to explore your sexuality*, great.
How did you feel when your DH was unfaithful? Two wrongs don't male a right.
How would.you feel if your husband cheated again?
How would you feel if your DH was hit on by another man in the pub toilet, kissed him and now wanted to explore his own sexuality?

A slight side issue, but do you think you'd be facing a similar quandary if you'd been hit on by a man? Would you have kissed him and considered infidelity for the chance of going back for more? Is this about your gender preferences or just about being sexually frustrated in a time when lesbianism is increasingly visible?

The feeling of mutual attraction, chemistry, lust is absolutely intoxicating and addictive. That ensures we reproduce! And why people have affairs (risking death penalty in some countries)

up to you what you want to do about it. Probably best to keep it as a fantasy though as I think you’ll feel awful if it goes any further.

Did you read my post? My husband is not interested in as he feels no sexual desire any longer, therefore no chance of him cheating again - even if he wanted to it couldn’t happen.

no, two wrongs don’t make a right and I said this (in similar words) in my OP.

i have not looked at another person in the whole time we have been together - never even found anyone else remotely sexually attractive, although I can objectively see when people are attractive. Attractive men have hit on me (even recently) and I always shut it down. Not remotely interested.

I’ve never been sexually attracted to a woman and I haven’t jumped on the band wagon by thinking I’ll try being a lesbian.

i did not expect this and did not go looking for it, hence its thrown me so much

@Gymbunny2025 yes you are quite right. No good would come of it.

Guess I need to go back to burying my sexual feelings. It’s sad I find myself in a sexless marriage but it is what it is, I guess

Don’t give up and resign yourself to a future of dissatisfaction

This is a tough one. You have supported your husband, despite the fact he had cheated on you, to the point there is no intimacy. In someway, the attraction shown by the woman and the encounter in the toilets, to me, is a release of the pent up frustration, that has been building up inside you for years. Just want to ask, would you have reacted the same, if it was a man kissing you in the toilets, instead of a woman?

Take care and good luck 💜

Thanks for the reply. No, it absolutely wouldn’t even have happened if it was a man, I am 💯 certain of that

I love my husband and I love what we have together. I’m not prepared to, or even want to, give that up. The only thing missing is the intimacy. I know he adores me and I know he would never hurt me again. We laugh together and spend time together. We enjoy each others company and support each other. I accepted where we are (albeit I do bring it up from time to time and try to encourage him to go back to the GP to see if there’s anything else that could help (there are other options we could try but he’s not willing)), but I didn’t realise until this happened, just how much I’ve been suppressing my sexual feelings.

@Ohdear1975 i understand you have a loving DH and relationship but I’m sensing DH sees you as a friend but their is no sexual attraction! But each day YIU feeling different, can you live your life knowing there will be no intimacy for you from DH as your desires and libido intensifies?✊🏿

I do feel sorry for you, a the genie is now out of the bottle. From what you have said, despite what has happened between you and your husband, you live and still support him. And yet, like a teenager, you are dealing with feelings that flying of in all directions, like fireworks on bonfire night.

It is only my opinion but, you can, always speak to someone. Do you have a friend or relative who you 100% trust? So that you can talk and get off your chest, what has been happening with your husband and the encounter in the pub. Otherwise, if you carry on as you are, you are going to tear yourself apart.

I suggest you do this, before anything else.

I really wish you the best of luck

I don’t know what to advise you OP but I love sex too much to live without it. If my DH wasn’t interested anymore I’d find a way to make it work for me somehow. Sex is one of life’s greatest joys for me (when done right!) and life is just too short to give that up.

Yes, I'd read your post. I wasn't suggesting your DH would be unfaithful, just trying to frame it in the "do unto others ..." way and "what if ..."
I've been in a sexless, loveless marriage, so I feel your pain, and I had to choose between a comfortable existance and lonely penury. I've also seen rhe damage that sex outside a monogamous relationship can do.
What ever choice you make, it's yours, as are the emotions and whatever follows.
I hope you find a solution.

I do feel sorry for you, a the genie is now out of the bottle. From what you have said, despite what has happened between you and your husband, you live and still support him. And yet, like a teenager, you are dealing with feelings that flying of in all directions, like fireworks on bonfire night.

It is only my opinion but, you can, always speak to someone. Do you have a friend or relative who you 100% trust? So that you can talk and get off your chest, what has been happening with your husband and the encounter in the pub. Otherwise, if you carry on as you are, you are going to tear yourself apart.

I suggest you do this, before anything else.

I really wish you the best of luck

OP, you said you swapped numbers. Has there been any contact since last Saturday

Hopefully your initial conversation with your husband didn't include the previous infidelity wrapped up in there. That would more likely bring tension and anxiety to what is meant to be an intimate conversation about your needs. Certainty the encounter with that woman showed you that you have unmet physical needs.

I think you need to take your DH’s past infedelity out of the equation here. It’s the past, albeit no doubt a sad part of your past but that alone can not be a reason to be unfaithful.

I’m a type one diabetic, and got issues down there 5 years ago when I was 35. I never lost my sexual desire but I initially put any kind of intimacy to the side as it was a pointless exercise. I then realised that I could have intimacy without sex whilst I went through my treatment.

Personally, and I may be wrong here, but I’d be very surprised is your DH has lost of of his sexual desire, it is more likely he has given up and sees any kind of intimacy as a fruitless exercise.

All that aside, you still clearly have sexual needs and a sexual desire to feel loved and wanted. I think you should have told him the whole storey without leaving the most important bit out, but IMO, your DH either needs to get himself fixed, go your separate ways or ask for an open relationship.

This is no doubt the beginnings of what could ultimately destroy your marriage, and I suspect in time a kiss may well turn into something more, either with this woman or another man.

Oh, and forget the GP, they are useless when it comes to ED and urology, tell him to book a private consultation with a decent urologist. He probably says he doesn’t want or need help, but that is probably because he doesn’t think he can be helped, and I guarantee you he can!!

Good luck.

Firstly have you actually told him you are sexually frustrated and need him to realise as a 50 year old woman you have needs .
Does he know you are ( I’m assuming you are ) self pleasuring regularly to suppress this ?
Regarding a woman I think there is a high chance of becoming emotionally involved and becoming an affair .
i would suggest you have an intimate sexual touch massage with a woman this will help you discover if you have any bi feelings without the risk of a lesbian affair. Pm me if you want a recommendation there are some lovely woman out there that cater for your desire

I think you have to be open that you need and want sexual contact. He then has a choice about staying with you or not.

if it was me, I would go after the chance of happiness. You and DH are not equal at the moment.
You say he neglected his health over a long time. Several years is it?
To me that absolves you from much of the blame. That makes it easier for you to seek a solution. He offers none. He has had an opportunity to show sympathy but he passed it by.