What to do?

[Ohdear1975]

So, I’m 50. A mother and grandmother. Been with my husband for 20 years.

we used to have a great sex life. Sadly, over the last 6 years this has dwindled to almost never. He has diabetes and nerve damage and no longer has any sexual desire. I’ve supported him (took months/years) to go to his GP for help. We’ve had some success (really not much) and he still has no desire. It’s all on me to instigate and the vast majority of the time he turns me down. I’ve lived with and accepted this. I adore him and live our life together.

this is the issue. We went out together last weekend. Had a great time and visited a pub after. I got chatting to a group of people and a woman said she thought I was beautiful. There was a definite attraction. Long story short, we ended up kissing in the loos and exchanging numbers.

I literally did not realise that I have been suppressing my sexual feelings - until that night. It’s like something has been awakened in me.

i am super loyal (despite my husband having cheated on me 10 years ago. I chose to stay and we worked through it. I know it’s never happened since and we renewed our wedding vows).

I can’t deny I am interested - I literally can’t think of anything else since. I don’t want to leave my husband and absolutely don’t want to have and affair but I can’t deny the chemistry and do want to explore. I feel alive again and this makes me sad and glad all at the same time.

i did tell my husband I was propositioned by a woman and his he would he feel if I pursued this as I think I may like to. He shut me down. It’s his right to do so. We are married after all. I understand this but if I’m honest, I want to d polite. It’s woken something in me. I don’t want to leave my husband. I don’t want an affair or a relationship with anyone else. Ever. But I want to feel fulfilled again. I absolutely cannot stop thinking about this. What do I do?

Rejection can also be seen as a sign for redirection. A sign that your life needs fulfillment through love and desire. Don't let conventional thinking stop you from living your life. Your mind can imprison you.

At some point people and relationships will need to adapt to realities of life because at the moment its all or nothing model. The irony of intimate relationships and marriages is people can see each other in their most vulnerable situations e.g. nakedness, but still fail when it comes to communicating to understand as opposed to responding.

Update. I’ve confessed to my husband that I kissed this woman and that we exchanged numbers. Obviously he is very upset (I completely get that- what I did is unacceptable).

he said I needed to delete her number - which I did immediately. He’s not really talking to me right now as he says he needs to digest it. I get it. He brought up that I said I was propositioned by a woman and subsequently ‘asked for permission to explore’ so I had an ‘inherent need’. Yes, it’s confused me as I never ever expected to go on a night out and snog anyone EVER but I’m devastated that I did this
. when I reflect, it really wasn’t anything. I love my husband and only want him. I know he’s cross with me and rightly so

All I can say is hang on there and stay strong. You did a very brave thing in owning up to your husband, as most people would have kept such a thing to themselves. You can work this through, I'm sure you can.

There are plenty of people on this thread who can provide better advice than me. Also, do have someone you can confide in?

Take care and I do hope things work out for you. ❤️

I don’t understand how your husband can possibly criticise you for this when he’s no longer interested in the sexual side of your relationship. Obviously you can’t force him to have sex! But it’s grotesquely unfair for him - because he’s no longer sexual- to expect you to be asexual too. Would you expect this of him, if the positions were reversed?

I genuinely do not see that you have done anything wrong. Your reaction seems entirely understandable: you don’t want a male partner, given your relationship with your husband, but a woman seemed to offer a fulfilling outlet for the sexual impulses you quite naturally feel. In fact, your husband seems to me to be controlling, & entirely careless of your sexuality - are you sure your relationship really is a good one?

I am really at a loss that so many on this thread seem to accept your sex life has to be over because his is.

I am sorry you deleted the number, & think you should consider seeing a therapist to talk through what the boundaries are in your marriage. Sex matters!

Sory OP but you're not living your life. You're living your life through your OH. That isn't healthy. Combined with suppressing your sexual feelings is leading to a MH issue.

Read what @PrinceRegentLady said and find a way to contact the lovely lady who kissed you. Meet her, talk it over with her. She can certainly help you to get your head sorted.
Separate to the possibility of sex or a relationship with new lady you deserve better than being controlled by your husband.

There's a couple of things that bother/ interest me here, firstly your husband should man up and consider your physical needs. Sex is part of a relationship and putting it simply he should be keeping you happy.
Second, the lady who you met at the pub, was this a stranger, a friend, is she with a partner, gay, bi ? Perhaps in a similar situation to yourself or did she have something else in mind.
You sound like a decent person but under the circumstances why not meet up? In the cold light of day your opinion my change. I'm guessing you'd had a few drinks when you were approached in the pub.
In my opinion a quick snog doesn't make you an unfaithful wife but that's for you to decide.
Good luck with whatever your conclusions are.
P.S. why not have some fun!

Adding my two cents here, although a lot of good advice has been given.

One. You need to stop lying to yourself. And I say this with empathy, but you're contradicting yourself. You say you love your husband and would never do anything that could come between you. You say you only want him. But you have done something that came between you, and you clearly don't only want him. I believe you love your husband. But you're not going to get anywhere by denying that what you did, kissing that woman, ALSO means you want to explore this further. Does that make you a horrible person? No. But you're thinking of this very black/white. You have these two sides of you. One being the loyal, loving spouse, the other being the curious, sexually unfulfilled woman who's not ready to live a sexless life.
You can now go back to fooling yourself into thinking that a sexless marriage will make you happy, and I guarantee you that something like this is going to happen again. You can't make that side of you go away.

Two. I think both you and your husband need to stop thinking that you can unilaterally make drastic changes to your marriage and not deal with the consequences, even if you don't like the consequences.
He has taken sex off the table. He needs to realise that he can't make that choice in both your names. The consequences of that are going to be that he either supports you finding sexual fulfillment in other ways, or that this is going to lead to the end of your relationship. It's that simple.
You have decided, without any discussion beforehand, to leave the trail of monogamy, and that you have a longing to explore. You don't get to make that choice free of consequences. He's allowed to not agree, even if you have very understandable reasons for wanting this. He's also allowed to not want an open marriage.

I think you both need to be communicating more about the impact of the lack of sex on your relationship, and stop avoiding the hard conversations because they may lead to consequences you don't like. It's a crappy situation and neither of you is to blame. And it sucks that this may lead to the end of your marriage. But if it does, it's far better to have everything out in the open without blame or resentment.

Thank you to everyone who has replied. He is so upset with me, which I get. But I’m upset too - I Really am so very loyal and have stuck with him through so many different things over the years. When we talked the other night after I told him, he said I was a remarkable woman who should rightly have left him years ago given all he has put me through. He also said he clearly can’t give me what I need and so he should let me go.

if I’m honest, I think he is far crosser with himself than he is with me. He knows me and knows this isn’t me, if that makes sense. I reacted to someone who I felt was ‘safe’ telling me I’m beautiful and feeling like they wanted me. Sadly my DH doesn’t really make me feel like this.

To answer your question - yes, I’d had a lot to drink. She is straight and single and just said she liked my energy and would like to explore that. That was what it was - not a relationship/leaving my DH or anything like that.

A tricky situation, where possible I'd try and take the positives. You've been completely honest with your husband and hopefully he can stop feeling sorry for himself and make an effort to keep you happy. I'm sure with a bit of imagination and effort on his part this shouldn't be too difficult.
Secondly you're clearly a very attractive lady, you pulled a straight woman without trying. Men find you attractive too and you've turned them down .
Don't forget the lady you kissed still has your number and maybe as previously suggested you should meet for coffee just to clear the air. That will save any embarrassment if you should bump into her.
Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who posted. After I confessed all to my DH, I allowed him to read this thread. I needed to allow this so he understood how this actually occurred.

im really happy to report that we are in a really really good place (I feel like I’ve fallen in love all over again). He (we) are seeking help and are really talking. It feels good.

Your perspectives were all really helpful and I (we) thank you for all your replies.

That's brilliant news! I wish you and your DH, the best of luck! 😊

@SonofDeva thank you ;)

I feel that in your heart you know what you want and are seeking permission to do it. I'm not sure that anyone on here can or should give you permission, this is between you and your hubby. I feel that you would like his blessing to try something new - have you spoken about your different desires and how it makes you feel? If it is just sex and not love, he might be ok, though often the two are easily confused. Is it the thrill of being wanted that you like, the intimacy or simple the orgasms, there are alternatives as I am sure you know. I suspect it is the thrill and the attention and this path leads to dark places if you go down it without consent - you know this though.

Is it the thrill of being wanted, the intimacy or the orgasms (sorry be being crude) - there are some alternatives to consider. It sounds like you want permission to do this and that can only be with agreement with your DH. Anything else is up to you and might have consequences. I truly understand your predicament, you have a choice, which is larger than you as you have children and grandchildren to think about. I would try to talk with DH and explain your needs, if it is just sex and not love, he may be ok with it?

I know my DH is reading this thread. Just wanted to say, I love you and am very much enjoying our ‘renewal ;)

I know this was a horrible thing to have happened but in a way I am so so happy it did as it has saved us and for that I am eternally grateful. You are all I want and need

Ok. Well he's a cheater and he absolutely knows what those feelings (both physical and emotional ) are. He's already had them over the years (you didn't say how many times he cheated) so let's guess several (including the flirtations that didn't yield anything physical for him.
And now you had just one moment and now you know the feeling.
Except, because you're an honest and decent, loyal person you didn't act on them.
You came here and talked them over with others first.
So, this time your DH has to do the 'Pick me Dance' and I hope he's dancing fast and hard for you. And to you Mr Ohdear1975, you have no idea how your DW felt all those times and now you do. Dance hard x

Really ? cant you be glad for people that have found a light at the end of the tunnel? Sometimes people can be quite negative. Try speading a bit more joy.
I wish both of you the best together.

Thank you. We’ve both worked at our marriage and I’m really glad we are where we are now. We are having great and meaningful conversations and we are connecting on ALL levels. It’s all we both want and we are happy.
We are all human and sometimes we make (massive) errors in judgement. The important thing is that we learn from our errant ways and move forward. Life makes us what we are and we can choose the negative, or, we can choose the positive (I like to think, the silver linings( and grow and learn. We’ve both chosen the latter, and no, it’s not always been an easy road but sometimes things are worth fighting for :)