Sex every 4-6 weeks?!

[ellie09]

Hi all

I have been with my DP for almost 3 years and we very recently moved in together.

We do have a slightly mismatched libido - mine is higher than his, and to make things better, I had bought myself some toys (which had worked well and I was satisfied in that way, then we have sex about once a month)

He had joked that when we moved in, we would no doubt be having more sex, so I wouldnt need them any more, but so far nothing has changed.

Its been two weeks now since he's moved in and about 6 weeks from we had sex. In all fairness in between all this, the move has been exhausting, I had a cervical biopsy etc.

I now have to have a LLETZ done on 16th of this month. We literally have until Wednesday to have sex (and I am really horny!) as I have a coil and you need to avoid sex for a week before this procedure and cant have sex for about 6 weeks after, and IMO, 12 weeks without sex when you're in your early 30s, in a relationship is woeful.

Any time I have made a move this week, he's turned on the white noise machine and went to sleep!

He works from home 100% of the time and there is absolutely nowhere or any time I can get privacy to be "on my own" to sort myself out.

I dont really know what I want to gain from this post. Just wanted to vent.

Does he literally switch on some white noise when you initiate?

I have said to him I'm in the mood before bed time, he hasn't objected, then when we go to bed, he immediately puts on the white noise machine.

I take this as a subtle "no" to sex because who is going to have sex other white noise?

When we lived separate, it was grand, as I just sorted myself out. Now we are living together, and he works fully remotely, we have two cats living upstairs temporarily, I have no privacy at all to do so.

My stress levels are building up and starting to affect my mood and self esteem big time.

That's really disrespectful of him. While this is the sex board, that's nothing to do with intimacy and all to do with the level of concern he has in you and your feelings.

"Subtle no" (by the way that's not subtle), and "hasn't objected" really is far below what you, or anyone else, should be expecting. It's not really a sexual union if he's just a non-complaining passenger.

How’s the relationship otherwise? It sounds like you have a mismatch in sexual compatibility. If he’s not willing to talk openly about your frustrations I would assume nothing will change, so you need to decide if you’re willing to live a sex-free life.

We have a good relationship. Lots of non sexual intimacy, cuddles, kisses etc.

He helps a lot around the house and does his fair share.

I have noticed it may be an issue now, if sex is still going to be as infrequent as it is, and also eliminating the privacy to self pleasure in place of it.

DS was at his granny's last night - perfect opportunity. Nothing happened. I couldn't sleep. Went into spare room, cats had taken over that room, so no privacy for me either.

I dont think its a lack of attraction, he's always complimenting, looking when I'm out the shower and seems to like what he sees, very touchy feely in bed (I sleep naked) - it just never follows through.

do you think he s stressed with work , etc…or just struggling maybe ED?
maybe he does not see sex as a priority in your relationship over other things..

I would much prefer if I brought it up, a response like: "I'm really not in the mood lately". At least then I know there isnt going to be a chance later that night.

I dont have a particularly high drive myself - about once a week and I would be happy (I'm a very busy woman myself!)

He has had ED issues before, he had meds to help at one stage.

Any time we do, he struggles to finish himself but can usually maintain long enough for me to finish.

It has been a stressful time with the house move recently and learning new norms around living together etc. But we are starting to settle now.

I am stressed and a bit upset about the cervical cancer scare I am going through - and it will only intensify once I start treatment for it and will no doubt be in pain, bleeding for a good few weeks. I am trying to make the most of the days left before that.

You are still a woman and Dp needs to understand you work hard and look fwd to passion even if weekly 👍🏿

I have openly said weekly is probably my expectation, e.g. a day at the weekend when we are relaxed

My worry is, he wants a baby at some stage too - it wont work if sex doesn't become regular, and IVF etc is expensive.

an active sex life is healthy, it should be spontaneous , not weekends or just to make baby. You are still a woman in her prime , why can’t he sense your vibes daily? work or not Dp is lucky to have a passionate woman around him

Being spontaneous worked at the start but not now.

I will be out tonight for a work event. I think if he doesnt seize the moment tonight once I am home, I will need to have a chat with him about either stepping up, or giving me some privacy a couple of times a week.

He seems to initiate when I am dressed up etc, e.g. the last time I was all done up for a gala event, he couldn't keep his hands off.

I cant, however, dress up to the nines every single week to get a reaction.

good luck✊🏿

Just to say I feel for you. I can't imagine only having it every 4-6 weeks. But I suppose everyone will say "well you're only 21". True, but many many older people have it as often and, tbh but obviously out of line!, I wouldn't put up with it!
But keep the toys!

It’s only going to go downhill from here! Obviously if you can cope by sorting yourself out inbetween that’s fine. I don’t think I’d have moved in with him if no sex for a month before then!

Just read he has ED issues… you’re in your early 30s! You really shouldn’t have to be dealing with all this. Sex should be fun and plentiful!

Psychological issues behind the ED. He said it was from a previous relationship where he was with someone who forces sex on him multiple times a day.

Luckily for him, I am not that bad. I maybe could, multiple times a day in my 20s, but that ship has sailed.

Nowadays, I would be fulfilled with once a week, which I dont think is asking for too much.

Its just becoming incredibly depressing.

I highly doubt he is watching porn or having his own time either, unless its literally when I am at work, in the two days I am at office rather than WFH.

He had said "we will likely be at it more when we move in", so the expectation to me, was that the sex would increase if we lived together. It hasn't.

Aside from not getting that sense of connection from toys alone, I think the OP is struggling with privacy, too. Might not be an option for her.

Not at the moment

DP works remotely, so at home 100% of the time.

We have his two cats temporarily living upstairs until my dog gets used to them properly and can share a living space, so the cats will gravitate at night to the spare room (where I would need to go) or sleep on our bed.

I dont have privacy atm unless I tell him to clear off for a bit.

I dont really fancy getting myself off while he's in the next room, or his cats are staring at me - lol

Don’t you have privacy when you’re having a bath😉👍🏿

I know this is about you, OP, but there's also something not quite right about the mood he's created where you feel uncomfortable with him knowing your needs are being met. It might be too overt, but should you really hide from him what you need to sort yourself?

Its not so much hiding - he knows I did this, and I told him as such.

Its more, I dont feel comfortable with doing that type of thing in the next room etc. I couldn't relax properly.

If I do get time to myself in the house, alone, its usually for 10 mins max these days.

Do you mean you’ve let him move into your house and now have zero privacy and zero sex?!

Basically, yes.