How to change own belief that sex is for the young and beautiful

[RedTreeLeaf]

I’m in my early 50s, just turning menopausal.

Through my life I’ve felt confident about my body and enjoyed sex.

But now my body is changing it’s harder to feel sexy.

My DH and I have fun in bed on the rare occasions we get together, but after so many years together I don’t feel attracted to him, and with my own body turning saggy, I don’t understand why he’d be attracted to me.

At this time in my life there are various options I’m considering including trying harder at sex with DH, discussing introducing a third person to our bed, divorce, or being content to let sex be a thing of the past.

But to fully embrace some of the options above, I need to work out how to shift my belief that sex is for young and beautiful bodies only.

Now my body is no longer fertile, it seems common sense that sex should be left to those who still are, yet there’s some part of me that still has desire and still craves it. But I’m not sure how to embrace that part of me in this new ugly body! Sex was so easy in my lovely young body!

I recently joined a private members pool and think a couple of the men might have been checking me out, I’d like to flirt with them (in a safe, non cheating way), but I’m not sure if I’d be making a fool of myself. I’ve been used to flirting and eyeing up men all my life, but suddenly I feel on shaky ground, I don’t want to be this awful old hag behaving inappropriately!

There’s no reason for sex to stop at 50 and I can promise you, I won’t be!

I read your other thread and I believe someone suggested therapy to change your way of thinking but I think you said it wasn’t for you?

@MsDDxx I've only just started thinking about this issue yesterday, so to rush into therapy is too big a leap for where my head is at right now. I usually find I can sort out my own issues myself once I start researching them, talking to people online etc. I'm not ruling out considering therapy further down the line, but I'd rather do my own thinking and research first than rush into paying someone to listen to me work things out, things I may be able to work out myself. Years ago, I sorted out my anxiety with CBT after reading a book, I'm strong on self-growth so I at least want to try a DIY approach first. I'm in my information gathering phase right now, putting out feelers, finding out if others have felt like me and if they overcame it and what helped them. Also writing in online forums helps me start to untangle the threads and think about what's going on that I maybe haven't acknowledged properly to myself etc.

Hi @RedTreeLeaf, (mature M here)
It’s true, we’re changing aren’t we, but then we’ve been changing our whole lives…..and yes it’s hard…..I’ve had many “conversations with myself” over the years about my body and who’d be attracted to me, why even etc, including my previous partners…..it can eat away at you as we look to see what’s out there to look forward to at our age ….

The best advice I had, and would pass on, is to accept that we change physically and mentally, emotionally as we go through life, embrace who you are becoming (that’s hard) but accept you are still a lovely genuine human being. Talk to him about how you are feeling about yourself and life right now, perhaps he’ll tell you how he’s finding being a “mature male” …. maybe he’s finding it similar to you?

Honesty, no matter how painful, will help you both find your way.

I wish you well.

@Maccar305 I love this idea, thank you. Can't believe it hadn't even occurred to me to ask him how he might be feeling! He's not strong on having or discussing feelings, so we might not get far, but perhaps if I approach it at the right time in the right way it could start an interesting conversation. Thanks again for the suggestion.

@RedTreeLeaf M, mid fifties been with my wife for 30 years. I agree with @Maccar305 in that our bodies are changing. My body has changed as so has my wife's and yet I still find her as beautiful and attractive from the first time eye clocked eyes on her at a Goth nightclub in Leeds in 1990! Saying that, neither of us have had sex for the last eight years but, I'm patient, because i love her and I believe we will be intimate again,one day. Take care and good luck. ❤️

Thank you @SonofDeva I hope the two of you can enjoy intimacy again one day.

M 70's still going with the help of boner pills
Spoke to an ex FB from two years ago, she's about to embark on a new relationship and she's 69

These sex threads are very interesting, they show me that many mature people still have the desire for sex and want the closeness it offers.
I’ll be honest, I’m Sixty four have a “mums tum” after four children. I’m no oil painting. Buried two husbands and thought sex and relationships were over. How wrong I was !
Earlier this year I met a guy and my life was turned upside down. Yes we ended up in bed.
I didn’t know that a man could do the things he can do, he uses everything he has. A wonderful tongue, loverly fingers he gives me multiple orgasms when we have sex, I’ll say no more just use your imagination.
The moral to this story is quite simple, if ladies want sex don’t give up, there is a guy out there. Don’t let your age and beliefs define your thinking I’m ten years younger than my lover. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

@RedTreeLeaf, any update?
Interested to know how this goes…..

@Maccar305 there won't be an update for many weeks - my DH is a teacher and will be stressed and exhausted until the end of term, so I'll wait until he's a few weeks in to his summer holiday and is more relaxed and receptive.

Keep in touch…..there’s lots of us our age on here !

@RedTreeLeaf Will do!

Another mature M here , got out of a sexless relationship a few years ago and genuinely thought those days were behind me - but have met someone new and am having some of the best sex I’ve ever had, neither of us are spring chickens and things don’t always work how they used to- bur we have fun trying

A requirement for good sex does not require young and beautiful, it requires passion. That evolves over the years but it does not vanish.

To suggest in one sentence that you are considering trying harder, divorce, introducing a third person and letting it become a thing of the past really shows your thoughts are in overdrive mode. Perhaps let your body do the talking.

l have a widowed friend in her later 60s who has 2 regular lovers in their later 50s and another early 60s man “making a play for her” (her words) where she is “considering options”. I aspire to her.

My wife and l are in our 70s and still have sex every week
we both still love each other and sex

I enjoyed reading this thread
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5265698-for-married-couples-to-ask-what-age-you-stopped-having-sex?page=1

Despite the title, lots of people said it hadn't, despite advanced years.

I’ve met far more confident sexy women in middle age than I ever did in my younger days.

I’m much more sexually confident now in my early 40s than I ever was in my 20s and 30s.

Hi @RedTreeLeaf When I was in my 20s I had a work colleague your age. We got on well, hung out, she was great fun and I really fancied her as a result of this connection. One night, I drove her home and she invited me in for a coffee. I thought she was flirting and when she said she was going to change into something more comfortable I got really excited. I stripped down to my boxers, ready for action so to speak. When she came back, holding two cups of coffee in her comfies she nearly dropped them in shock. Seemed I had got the wrong idea and had to embarrassingly haul clothes on. She didn’t realise how attractive she was and declared herself too old for sex. I guess my point is, you will be attracting glances and you should embrace your sexiness

63, and still sexually active. I've also kept myself in decent shape (harder now than it was!), but trust me, there is definitely sex after 50, 60, 70...

As to your partners feelings, I'd definitely say have an open & honest talk..

To update everyone - there's been a massive turnaround! Posting and reading here, and the replies on this thread and on my other thread on relationships helped me turn around my thinking on this. I've had some brilliant conversations, and sex, with DH. We went away together for a couple of days recently and even had sex twice in one day! It's great!

@PortionsForWolves your story really made me laugh!

Thanks to everyone who posted, your input was helpful.

That’s brilliant! Thanks for updating. Long may it continue 😊

Great update. I find reading the threads here in this section great!