Premature ejaculation

[PreemieSteamy]

NC for obvious reasons.

I’ve been married for 20 years to a wonderful man who I love and fancy.

We were both young when we got together and inexperienced.

There are two problems that kind of conflict with our sex life.

the first is that he doesn’t have a super high sex drive, normal id say in that he wants sex every 2-3 days which is fine and I am happy with.

the second problem is that as per the title, he suffers premature ejaculation if we have sex only 2-3x per week.

if we have sex every day, he will often not orgasm every time, will be able to last and all is fine. But if we have sex less often he will come too quickly.

I’ve been on my period so we haven’t had sex in over a week. Had sex last night but he literally came in about 10 seconds with no warning, I’d barely started moving when he told me to stop and came, and because he was trying to hold back it was shit for him and shit for me.

The problems I don’t want to have sex with him every day just because it makes him last longer. I want to be desired. I want him to want me. I want sex to be organic and because we both want to do it, not keep to a schedule so he can last longer. And because he isn’t highly sexed, he’s not interested in masturbating on ‘off days’ and also if he DID do that then he’d want me even less. I can literally tell in his demeanour how long it’s been since he’s ejaculated. So if he masturbated today we wouldn’t have sex tomorrow; and so on. We’d end up in a sexless marriage if he took up masturbating!

Sex last night was shit, he was embarrassed, I told him I was frustrated. I said maybe the answer is having sex more often. And he didn’t really get a lot out of it either. And even though we talked about it and he knows that (and his orgasm was shit), he has barely looked at me today. We’re both off work, the sun is shining, I look good. And he couldn’t be less interested. I know this is normal for him, and something that I like is that someone desires me and wants me, I don’t want sex to be because it’s scheduled. but I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know why I’m posting because I know nobody can really help.

we googled last night what to do about the PE and none of it seems to fit. Squeezing the penis - honestly last night it came out of nowhere. I don’t want to be messing around with numbing gels and all that nonsense.

i just feel a bit stuck. I want my husband to desire me but I want to have sex for as long as want to, which for me isn’t 3 hours of being pounded. Just 10 minutes would be nice. Which it is if we have sex more often but honestly forced sex is such a turn off for me.

anyone with any experience got any suggestions?

I don't have sex regularly enough to know this for sure, but I'm pretty sure I'd suffer from PE. My situation is complicated but, for simplicity: when I think about sex with my (beloved) wife, I imagine lots of hand and mouth action first, so that she gets as much pleasure as she wants or needs, before we have penetrative sex, and I cum from my boots from sheer uncontrollable desire. I still think that the brief nature of PIV sex would be a problem, but not an insurmountable one. As a man, the likelihood of PE could make me feel slightly inadequate. I suppose good communication is the key. An honest chat in a no-pressure situation? I'm delighted for you both that you've still having sex after 20 years!

@PreemieSteamy mutual desires and intimacy appears to have been lost? What has DH mentioned that is affecting him? Has DH stated in your relationship he no longer sees sex as a priority. Is DH making you feel the problem has been caused by you ?

I want to be desired. I want him to want me

^^ Maybe it’s time to rethink the relationship, you cannot make someone feel things they are not feeling

I think the OP's DH does desire her. He may be struggling with the PE, and the knowledge he's not satisfying her.

@PreemieSteamy : Don't give up. I can see happier times ahead.

No, mutual desires and intimacy is very much there. He just isn’t a man that wants sex all hours of every day, he is satisfied with a few times a week (as am I). We hug and kiss, hold hands, spend time together, snuggle on the sofa, laugh together, cuddle up in bed. This not an intimacy issue. It is a PE issue that the only way we have discovered to overcome it is daily sex which neither of us really want.

we’ve never been a couple that were at it constantly, from early on in the relationship we both respected each others sex drives and are well matched in how often we want to have sex.

he doesn’t blame me at all and is upset with himself.

@BeEagerTurtle i obviously didn’t explain it very well. He DOES want and desire me, but not immediately after ejaculating. He isn’t interested in anybody sexually, me, Jennifer Lopez, the hot MiLF down the street, porn. Not until it’s been 48-72 hours, then he starts looking at me like he wants me, makes suggestive comments etc.

I want him to feel like that to have sex with me, so I don’t want him to force himself to do it daily just so he lasts longer.

does that explain it better?

Try a cock ring.

@mrandmrsrobinson we have, we both didn’t like it (although it was a vibrating one which felt hideous for both of us and he actually lost his erection).

Try a non vibrating one then. Experiment with different things including delay condoms or creams. Don't let him enter you until you're at the point of orgasm. Variety is key here until you find a solution. Try not to overthink it.

Have you tried regular condoms or the delay variants

Could you perhaps slightly increase frequency to say 4 days instead of 2-3? Just one extra day a week? It might feel like a chore at first but if it becomes routine it might work.

It’s difficult because if you’re not feeling like sex it can be hard to get into it.

hes had the snip, no desire to go back to condoms.

Then is probably going to be the creams / sprays / meds or just more sex

have you tried EMLA ?

never heard of it?

Topical anaesthetic cream , buy it over the counter, common treatment for PE

onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/premature-ejaculation/emla-cream

As a male who had chronic PE, I empathise with both of you, it’s a truly horrible condition and effects both partners.

generally speaking, a man who sometimes experiences PE but not all the time, won’t have chronic PE and you will most likely find it’s more psychological than anything else. Once a man has it in his head he has PE, it’s very difficult to overcome and sex then becomes less enjoyable and the PE actually gets worse as he’ll be worrying about it.

if he doesn’t have it when you have sex more regularly, it seems that the psychological seed so to speak has already been sowed and he is therefore expecting to have it if your next session is 3 or 4 days from the previous.

You can test this theory by asking him to masturbate using different parameters and timing himself. Daily, every other day and once every 4 days etc. over the course of 4 weeks I suspect you will find there is little to know difference In the timings and therefore you should be able to conclude it is physiological.

in terms of physical solutions, cock rings, numbing creams, music, hot baths prior to sex, breathing exercises, healthy diet, a ‘little’ alcohol and condoms all work for some men.

Thank you @Smithey885 thats very helpful.

it’s always been a problem and also with previous partners I believe. He says he is just really sensitive which is true, given by the fact that generally we don’t do foreplay for him and he can ejaculate with little to no movement - once he’s there, he’s there and sometimes he might last 2 minutes but it’s with frequent stopping and barely any movement. Very frustrating when you want actual penetrative sex, I’m not interested in even having an orgasm most of the time I just want the intimacy of penetrative sex with my husband.

If it’s been an issue in your marriage for 20 years, and he’s had it since he’s very young then surely you’ve tried absolutely everything?! Why did you only google what to do about it last night?

What other options have you looked into, have you looked at Pirligy ?

so one problem and rethink relationship ? OP needs to talk advising to rethink relationship which may lead to breakup is not a good suggestion

One 20 year problem, 20 years
at what point do call it quits. ?

That’s not really anybody else’s concern, but thanks for your input.

@BeEagerTurtle I am not so shallow as to end an amazing marriage on the basis that he ejaculates too quickly if it’s been a few too many days since we last had sex. Christ do you know what fucktards are out there?! 😂 you’ve only got to read the relationships board on here to see what I could look forward to if I was shallow enough to end my marriage over something like that.

Absolutely nothing so far. Just kind of accepted it, sometimes it’s not a huge issue. I will Google it I’ve never heard of it.

Welcome to the world of public forums :/

I thought your original post was very well written. Your frustration came out but your love for each other shone through. Good luck.

never quit !!