Feel so defeated - help

[MelancholyMadness]

Hi I’m not sure if this is the right place to post but I needed to vent, apologies if it’s long.

I’ve been out of a relationship for 3 years now, it ended rather amicably which I’m grateful for, especially after being together for 14 years (we weren’t married but did have a child together). He’s the second person I’ve been with. For about a year after, I didn’t think about finding someone else or sex at all, got busy with life and parenting. For about 15 months(ish) I thought to myself it could be worth dipping my toe into dating again, so joined tinder (I know, probably not the best idea since I’m 43). Was rather disillusioned quite quickly since it seemed there were a lot of fake profiles (especially on the women side), people joking around, people just wanting something quick or people seemingly jaded with one word messages ‘hi’.’good hbu?’,’Pics?’. I left pretty disheartened and frustrated.

Then very recently, my best friend who is the only person I speak to in my life about things like sex (but I don’t see her often now as she has moved) said try a site called ‘fabswingers’ which is out of my norm, but I thought why not just to see and I am bi curious. I was off it by day 2, with all the abusive messages, tons of willy pictures either on a profile picture or willy pictures being sent to me without my permission. overtly over the top sexual messages that people sent as a greeting, again fake profiles. I put on my profile I have a disability, and most seemed to ignore it outright when asking me things that I wouldn’t even be able to do because they just wanted and only cared about sex. Fair enough I guess, but I like to know someone too, so I think I will give up on fabswingers. I know there is an app called bumble but looking into it, it seems to be owned by the people who own tinder so I’d imagine a similar outcome to that?

Meeting someone naturally is tough with work and childcare, I don’t really get a chance to. And in person I’m a bit reserved and lack self confidence. All in all I just feel defeated and annoyed at myself, What I’m looking for isn’t concrete in my head. I like the idea of a ‘friends with benefits’ but there has to be that friend part, as I just want someone I can talk to about personal things. Has anyone got any advice or other dating app recommendations?

There is a dating thread on the relationship board ☺️

Anything online sounds absolutely horrific to me and I would avoid (although easy to say when I’m married!)

you say you don’t have a chance to meet someone irl. But presumably you must have some free time or how would you plan to date? Personally I’d use that time for hobbies, friends, going out and meet loads of new people. Then if you find someone you do fancy/have a connection with be brave and ask them for coffee.

good luck

I hope it is OK for me to comment as a man.
I was married for 28 years and then we split up. I expected to be on my own for the rest of my life but I tried an online dating site that was not all that good. I did go on a date with a lady and we got on well but we agreed that we were not right for each other. She recommended another site, it was called Udate (I am sure it no longer exists). I paid my membership and met several ladies with varying results.

I then met a lady, on the first date we talked for hours as we enjoyed a meal in a restaurant, for our second date we returned to the same restaurant and then went to my home where we had the most amazing sex either of us had ever experienced. Last month we celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary.
Don’t give up, it is not easy to find the right person but persevere and you will meet.

I think also being friendly and open, smiling etc with everyone is good practice when you want to talk to someone you are interested in. I’m always amazed at how much interest I seem to get just from smiling!

thank you

it’s more that I don’t have an opportunity to date regularly as I have my child, online is useful because then I don’t need to have privacy in that sense. Obviously if I meet someone I’d need to find a suitable time to go on a date.

I appreciate the reassurance thank you

Oh God, FabSwingers is a nightmare if you're looking for a single guy. I've had the best luck on FEELD. It's an app for alternative dating. Very sex positive. I wasn't ready for a committed relationship after I ended my marriage and I found a lovely FwB on there, as well as some nice casual connections too. I'd recommend it xxx
.

It’s definitely a game of numbers. You have to have a thick skin and the more people you date the more you will learn about yourself and other people.

I’ve had so many dates many terrible some just a laugh, I've made long term friends and I’ve had some lovely boyfriends.

You have to treat it like a hobby and step out when it gets too much.

Also, the best online site so far has been Feeld, people are far more open

It really is luck and numbers but I feel for you.
I'm still on the dating train over 2 years after the end of my very first relationship which lasted 16 years.
I've had some meetings through a few different apps and also through some real life chance meetings. Nothing has gone past a few dates sadly.
I think all you can do is keep putting yourself out there in whatever format that may be. Take regular breaks when things are hard, try and remember that it's never you (always them) and do your best to be the one in control of how you want things to go forwards.

Well this is what I try and do. Hasn't got me anywhere yet other than the odd bloke who fancies a go once or twice, but you just have to hope that the next one sticks. And only ever go as far as you want to.
Like I'm not a ONS type at all, really not keen. But had an offer on a night out from a very attractive man and knew what his intention was (even though he didn't say it) so went for it. I was still in control as it was my choice.

Hey OP ..
Fabswingers is only all about sex & 💯 not for the faint hearted … Lots of not geuine people on it , Geuine people too , but time consuming trying to find them .. I was lucky on it & met some nice guys 🤷🏻‍♀️..
I live in Ireland & am on match , I find match best of a bad lot definitely ..
Is match a thing in UK ?

Sorry to hear that. It’s disheartening isn’t it. I’ve started to develop a bit of a bodily insecurity more so than what I already had mainly because I don’t seem to get much attention, at least from people who seem genuine about their intentions.

Glad to hear you are having some good experiences though, I think having that contextual control really is important.

In some selfish ways I miss my best friend, because I could confide in her and vent and talk to her without judgement. Maybe I need a councillor lol

Yeah found that out the hard way haha. When I did my verification etc and got on, first thing I received was about 20 messages all from single men, half with an unflattering willy picture as their profile pic and asking me all sorts of things you’d imagine on a porn set, not a great first impression lol. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m in Scotland, unsure about match but I will have a look thank you

@MelancholyMadness oh I have massive body insecurities too and assume I am horrific in bed as they don't stick around for a second go.
My most recent experience (the ONS) was randomly with a friend of someone I work with and the only concern I have about it is if they tell the person I know how awful I was. Don't care about anyone knowing that I slept with them, just if they get told I was shit at it.

But, can't do anything but keep going. At some point something it will switch and you get the confidence back.

Sorry to hear about your insecurities, I feel like I would be bad in bed as well as I don’t really have much experience all said and done compared to people my age. Did you get the impression that he thought you were bad?

@MelancholyMadness honest answer, he didn't really make comment, so it's all a self inflicted judgement and I'm my own worst enemy. We'd had drinks, I was exhausted, I didn't really put in the effort I should have movement wise, so I'm self grading myself badly.
I have had very little experience too, so don't really feel I know what I'm doing and I've not had anyone say I'm good, so I'm a presume the worst type.

But again, with the whole dating process you just have to try. I think it can be hard when you are older as there is this expectation that you know what you want and you have experience in both an emotional and physical sense, but in reality it's all part of the journey. You meet some nice people that it doesn't work with but you are thankful that it happened and some awful people you wish never came into your life. It's all learning and you take less crap from people, are more demanding of what you expect etc and hopefully that just means when you find someone, the fit is a little more perfect.

I keep going, keep trying, each sexual experience actually gets less scary because I seem to be used to getting naked on front of a stranger haha.

its no better on the male side really, after my LTR ended I dated a little bit, my all my friends are male, work in very male dominated industry and male hobbies so meeting single women while in my 50s was nigh impossible so it had to be online ( which if you believe this site is easy for men ) , but personally I found that 50 + yr old men are an unwanted commodity these days,
I feel fortunate to have meet someone now , but was genuinely getting resigned to being alone for the rest of life,

and dating as older man is terrible, lots of fake female profiles I found

@MelancholyMadness
I understand your feelings, it’s hard to balance family life etc
but try to stay positive, if you can try and go out with friends more, socialise, if you’re active type maybe gym walks etc…I’m sure you ll find a kindred spirit who will connect with you, I’m sensing a beautiful soul! Yes, I have enjoyed FWB encounters and they are fruitful. You’re already noticing you can be open here without being judged, so try not to keep it bottled up! Stay in touch ✊🏿

Hey ..
You shouldn’t be conscious as to whether you are “good “ in bed PP , not that I’m Miss Confidence or anything ! , but just be yourself, don’t be afraid to show & say what you like , you & partner will enjoy one another then ..
Also , I do find , no matter what anyone says , sex is nicer when it’s meaningful, however everyone has needs & then we find ourselves in bed with strangers as you say 🤷🏻‍♀️..
FWB only works if you have the right head space for it , that is not to get attached..
I find personally, us women if we meet someone we are attracted to & get on well with , we end up getting attached, well me anyway, so I stopped the FWB …

I just don't think it's worth it anymore.

It's all very grim out there.

I’m like freeflight and feel in retrospect I’m not very good when getting down to it which makes me feel worse about myself. Don’t want to see exactly why here, but it’s hard to get over this hurdle of ‘just do it’

Then sex must not be that very enjoyable PP ??
Oh I don’t know, I’ve been doing all casual , just meaningless sex , satisfying a craving is all , I think I want to meet someone & have meaningful sex , but I’m so up & down ( down at the min, have been last 2 weeks ) with perimenopause that I don’t know how that will ever work out for me , as in dating ..
I have a date Sat night , not a sex date , he’s nice guy & attractive but I feel like I just want to cry 🙈 !!!!!!
Maybe dating not for me at all 🤷🏻‍♀️
I’m literally a rollercoaster of emotions since hitting peri ..
Don’t want to go to work ( I go ) ..
Not been to gym in 2 weeks , no motivation for anything, how could I possibly date anyone !
Sorry for all my rambling….

@MelancholyMadness i think at some point you will meet someone you feel comfortable with. The first person post separation (and only my 2nd) was actually really nice. We only met 3 times but at no point did I feel I was rubbish, I'm not sure I questioned anything other than I think I could get better with him. Alas, it wasn't to be.

@Missj25 in the moment I definitely just play confident and go for it. And a ONS was not on the cards at all, but he was very attractive and made the moves. I genuinely thought what the hell, I've had no interest in months so why not. And yes, I'm probably in the middle and would get attached if they were someone I could realistic have something with. If they were clearly not compatible with my lifestyle and I could never see them as being introduced to my kids then I'd be able to separate a bit more. Sometimes it gets a little dusty in there so needs using to clear the cobwebs haha.

It was with my ex but that was because I knew him and felt comfortable, whereas meeting someone new I feel like I’ll be terrible, and they might not like my body as I’ve got a mum tum.

sorry to hear that, I’m peri too and it really does make me up and down as well. Have you found anything that helps?

My advise don’t give up keep going. Its a bit of a chore I know having to look on your chosen dating site daily but eventually someone will appear. In my case I was lucky. Its taken me several years to find my current partner. When I dated him for the first time he claimed to be my age so I went out with him I enjoyed his company so much that when he confessed his real age it didn’t matter he was lush, he is 10 years older than me. We started dating and eventually had sex. Boy I never knew pensioners could be such great lovers. Good luck and keep going.

I also have a mum tum, & it’s completely different having sex with father of your children , I agree , daunting with someone new …
I think I get a feeling from your post OP , that casual will not be for you , you like to have sex with someone you will be seeing again , someone you are in a relationship with & that’s cool , you’ll only end up feeling like crap then after ONS .. So maybe hold out you think ?, until you meet someone nice 🤷🏻‍♀️..

I’m on those estradot hrt patches & they are useless ! (Thanks for asking)
I’ve appointment on Monday 23rd June with doc , discuss all this ..
I think there is nothing g worse than feeling down & out I’ll be honest ..