Dead bedroom

[Tinyt2018]

Partner and I , have potential dead bedroom brewing for months , I have to initiate 90% of the time and that’s at a rate of once per week, I have tried to just not and see if he does but nope nothing. I try mentioning lingerie, being sexy and still nothing, We have spoken about it (he started the conversation) but I feel like he’s not interested in sex with me unless it’s to his kinks, I know he would have sex with previous partners multiple times a week, there are no issues as such in his life to cause a lack of libido. It’s affecting my confidence because I could lay next to him naked and he is so flaccid. I’ve got to the point that if I have to make him hard then he’s just not that into it (and or me) , AIBU - to just not even try anymore, feels like he’s content to never have sex and just spend time together( which is great to want to spend time but given that he was intimate with exes multiple times a week and me barely anything makes me feel like he’s just not that into me sexually )

Were you there to witness all the sex he had with previous partners?

people lie

How long have you been together, any kids mortgage etc?

If you've no ties then maybe it's time to call it a day? Sorry to be blunt but if a partner isn't attracted to their dp then it can't always be fixed.

Well there is a few things here…
how do you know that he’s been intimate with exes multiple times a week? It’s surely just one of those things men say for an ego boost, not always accurate. How long have you been together? Is this a sudden drop, or has he always been like this? It’s really not uncommon for sex to slow down in a relationship, and for people to not want to do it multiple times a week.

I feel like he’s not interested in sex with me unless it’s to his kinks

He sounds pretty selfish really. How long have you been together?

I would say ignore him, concentrate on yourself, make yourself feel better, new outfits, make up, facial, get hair and nails done etc, go out with friends. Show him your life doesn't end at waiting for him. He will come back or would get more distant. If he comes back then great, if the doesn't, that means you were flogging a dead horse, sorry.
Give him space to think and to miss you

His may not be interested in regular sex , or the more probable, not interested in regular sex with you

what kind of kinks and do you get any enjoyment out of them ?

What did he say when he initiated the conversation about it? What was his explanation?

I think if I was lying naked next to my partner wanting to be intimate and he remained flaccid… (on a regular basis) that would be the end of the relationship for me.

@Tinyt2018 Him being flaccid next to you naked doesn't mean he is not interested, he could just be struggling with his erection, or become comfortable with you naked. As long as he responds appropriately to a little touching then his desire for you is still there and his function still good.Do you become instantly wet if he is just pay next to you naked??

She says if she has to make him hard he’s just not into it…

We don’t have children together , or any financial ties , breaking up is something that has been on my mind for a while now

It can be two weeks and nothing sexual and still flaccid it’s not like I am trying every single day, it’s just disheartening

He said , both out libidos had dropped and let’s work on kink and bringing it back (mine hadn’t dropped I just stopped trying to initiate , but the sucker punch was the kink mention because deep rooted I feel like he’s not interested unless it’s kinky (hotwife or 3rd party involvement somewhere -which I am not into but do it for him )

I think it’s with me , he is into third parties I.e hotwife things like that which I really don’t enjoy but I do it because he does

Coming on for 3 years

Because I have seen evidence on an old laptop and he admitted as much , I’m not saying multiple times a week but it’s less than 2 times a month now, it’s hard to say what it was like at the beginning because when I think of it, 90% of the relationship has been me initiating-I am not a pest because I don’t feel trying once a week is too much you know, I just feel unwanted and it sucks to think his libido was higher with other partners and with me it revolves around his kinks or his desire for me is next to nothing

Harsh standard to meet.

I completely get your frustration, you need to clearly explain your needs to him and how those being not met are making you feel.
If the answers from him don't make you feel assured then you need to make your decisions :(

Hotwifing is a perfectly reasonable thing to say no to. You should NOT be pressured to have sex with another man in front of your DH, even if it is “the only way he can get turned on”.

That would be a firm red line for me and divorce would be on the cards. Sorry, OP.☹️

What do you mean?

Just leave then if are getting nothing from it

Definitely. Sounds like he’s using you sadly. At least a split shouldn’t be too hard.

I do - is that weird? 😂

Although to be fair it doesn’t happen often so that might be why I find it exciting.

I had quoted your post @GarrynotsoGorilla but it’s disappeared.

I would take, with a very large pinch of salt, what he’s saying about previous relationships.

It sounds like ‘he’s been there and done that’ with you and is now plain bored with it all, to the point where he just can’t be bothered any more.

This happens with men and women.

Can you see yourself leaving him?

That would be more dignified than the constant rejection and disinterest that you’re experiencing.

Not sure which post that is... What do you find exciting? Hot wifing?

I mean it is harsh for her to expect him to become erect for her without any stimulation.