To think this was wrong of him.

[Lilianadaisy99]

My boyfriend and I stayed in a hotel last weekend. We'd been on a night out. I was very drunk, he wasn't as he doesn't drink.

I fell straight to sleep and woke up in the early hours to use the bathroom. Because I was still drunk and it was so dark and unfamiliar, I couldn't get my bearings. I did stumble around the room and accidentally woke him. He helped me find the bathroom.

I then went back to bed. It's come back to me in flashbacks that we had sex once I got back into bed. I don't recall much at all. I asked him the next day and he confirmed we did. I also asked why he thought it was OK as I was so out of it. I rarely get like that. I'm angry with him, but blame myself also for drinking too much.

Am I wrong to be angry?

In my view, based on what you are saying, you are not only right to be angry, you should be accusing your boyf of rape.
As I said, that is my opinion and that is the way l would feel.
But I am basing that entirely on your account.

No you are not wrong, how could you give consent.

I’m sorry this has happened x

Presumably, you're in a relationship where sex doesn't usually require an explicit verbal expression of consent and IMHO that muddies the waters.
And you haven't said who initiated the sex and you haven't reported his answer to your question.
In the current climate, I think he was at best naive.
But with such limitted information, I don't think it is possible to answer this question objectively.
If you're looking for MNers to tell you you've been raped, that already says a lot about how you feel about the relationship.

I’m of the same opinion as this. If he forced himself onto you and said no then it is rape, if you initiated then it’s naivety.

The problem is, you can’t remember so there is no way on proving who started it and what happened.

You need to set boundaries, and if you feel as though you have been taken advantage of you need to tell him and ask for no sexual interaction when you are drunk so he is clear on what is and what isn’t acceptable.

If she was that drunk she can't remember, then it's rape. There's no naivety about it. He knew she was very drunk and therefore non cooperative. There's a middle ground between needing explicit verbal consent ( ie.responsive body language) and shagging someone totally out of it. OP is valid in her feelings.

Great answer.

If she was that drunk and can’t remember what happened, how can she not be sure it wasn’t consenting and she was a willing participant.

If I'm so drunk I can't remember giving you £50, that doesn't mean you stole it.

Only the two of you know the rules in your relationship and if your boyfriend is a creep taking advantage/being a rapist.

It would not be weird or wrong of you to say,
”Hey, please don’t have sex with me drunk, I’m waking up feeling confused.”
any more than for you to have enjoyed the encounter. (I’m too much of an old fart to get terribly drunk these days but I love being woken up on a Sunday morning by restless, loving hands trying their luck!)

Or, if you are angry don’t waste more time him!

Of course she's valid in her feelings, nobody is questioning that, but for all we know, she could have demanded sex, he said no, she felt rejected and got upset, he felt she was sober enough to consent at the time so he had what he believed was fully consensual sex.

If I had sex with my OH, after sharing a bottle of wine, and she gives consent, yet has hazy memories in the morning, does this mean she was too drunk to consent and it was rape, or could it be argued she just gets bad hangovers and gets blackouts even if she seemed absolutely fine at the time? ( This is just an example )

I'm not saying what happened was necessarily right, but without knowing the full facts I think its a bit unfair to jump straight into the rape accusations.

Legally, an intoxicated person cannot give consent.

It’s not though - if she can’t remember it might have been her that initiated it? She may have shown enthusiastic willingness to take part. You can’t then claim rape just because you were drunk and can’t remember.

How many here have had sex when they were drunk? I’ve had sex with my husband when he was drunk - does that mean I committed sexual assault? He initiated if you’re wondering.

You do not give any details as to your age or the length of your relationship or the express or implicit boundaries you have developed for sex.
If a woman is asleep or very seriously drunk so as not really to know what is going on, she cannot give consent and that is rape. But it looks as if you are not interested in reporting it, merely what people think and whether it was wrong.
The difficulty is that you cannot remember what happened. You could have been completely out of it, alternatively you could have given him the appearance that you were happy to have sex. You have not told us what sort of person he is.
Don't be embarrassed about getting drunk with someone you are in a relationship with. That is fine in a relationship. But you need to have a serious discussion about boundaries.
During relationships I have often come home drunk with my partner, I have been horny and led him on. He gets excited and then when I get to bed whoof it disappears. That is so unfair to the man. I have made it clear when fully sober that if he wishes to stick it in and bring himself off I am fine with that (although he must lube himself up with jelly as I may not be that wet!).
Most women here will probably be aghast that I have given that sort of general consent but it is my decision and my consent. What is not acceptable is if that happens without any such consent.

OP I won’t share links but if you type into google consent alcohol sex etc there are lots of sites that will give you facts and the UK law regarding this

I don’t think that you can continue this relationship can you? Ask yourself why you don’t feel ok with what he did…

Interestingly I watched a series on Netflix last night - the perfect couple - it’s very good btw.

in the fourth episode he was paralytically drunk, she was stone cold sober, and they had sex. - they were engaged btw.

I’m pretty certain that scene wouldn’t have worked if it was the other way around, but it’s a 15 rated series, and in theory they are showing a rape scene yet no one says anything and life continues as normal.

It’s no wonder men ( and women ) feel it’s ok to have sex when one is intoxicated when it’s not perceived as rape or even morally wrong on mainstream tv.

I think there’s a huge difference between strangers and people in a sexual relationship. If you pick someone up in a bar and they’re too drunk to consent, that’s rape. No question.

But in a LTR, it gets more complicated. There’s often an ongoing, implicit consent. Most people don’t stop to ask their partner for permission every time they kiss them or touch them sexually. And let’s be honest, a lot of couples have had sex when one or both were drunk.

That’s not the same as assault, and pretending it is cheapens the word rape.

For there to be rape in law the perpetrator must “not reasonably believe that the other person consents”.

So if the woman actually doesn’t consent but gives every impression at the time that they do consent that isn’t generally rape. Obviously if someone is so drunk they are comatose the perpetrator is unlikely to have a reasonable belief that they consent. But if they are drunk but appear to want sex and the man has no reason to think they wouldn’t, that isn’t rape.

Of course, if that’s what happened, you may still feel uncomfortable about the situation and want to discuss your boundaries around sex while drunk.

You don’t need to be comatose to be unable to consent in U.K. law

Im gonna put it bluntly, you was raped

She might have been, especially if she said no and he carried on, but as other people have said, without knowing the full circumstances you can’t just jump to that conclusion!!

I bet every single person on here has had sex where either they’ve been intoxicated or their partner has, or both.

There is such thing as too drunk to consent

Yes, but how do you tell if someone is too drunk? I’m not trying to start an argument or say it was right or wrong, but some people can come across as being relatively sober even when they’ve drunk lots . For all we know, she could have asked for sex, he could have said no, she could have then persuaded him she was fine and acted more sober than she actually was.

@Smithey885he had to help her to the bathroom! She was stumbling around. That would be considered too drunk to consent yes. Thankfully there is a lot more education in schools about this these days. It’s really quite shocking how many don’t know this. And also leaves a lot of men very vulnerable to allegations. Let’s be honest being accused of rape/interviewed under caution etc would be an absolutely awful experience even if no charges are brought or you were found innocent at a trial.

Tbh I stumble to the bathroom sometimes when I’m sober!

I get your point and others, you saying there should be more education is very valid, especially when there is mainstream tv depicting ‘rape’ like it’s as natural as going to the supermarket!

This is one of the reasons why I’ve never had a ONS when ‘out’ - it’s really not worth the risk.

I wasn't going to bother coming back to this thread. I was questioning his actions more from a moral point of view, rather than anything else. I will answer some of the questions raised.

Now that I've had time to relect, I think it was naivety, more than anything. We've talked it through. I didn't initiate anything. He did know I was very drunk as he helped me to the bathroom. He also saw me drinking throughout the night. I rarely drink to excess, so this was unusual. I had no idea we'd had sex until the next day when it came back to me and I asked him.

I've made it very clear that this mustn't happen again. If it does, we're over.

I really do hope that our teens are much better educated on consent now than we were. It's safe to say we've both learned from this and hopefully our relationship is strengthened.