Feeling helpless and frustrated

HeIsSailingAway · 2025-05-03T10:28:39+00:00

I’ve been single now for just under two years. And before that I was in a sexless marriage because he was having an affair then left before I found out. I have gotten to the point where I feel a weird feeling which is a mixture of melancholy, frustration and helplessness because I’m officially in my late 40s now and I have no intimacy when it feels like time is slipping away. I have only been in two long term relationships, so I feel out of my depth. If I’m being honest with myself, I think I mainly want sex and intimacy more than jumping into another relationship, however I don’t know where I would start. It feels like everyone else has got so much experience whereas I feel like I’m starting from square one with no clue. I see a therapist (just for general life conversation) and I have mentioned this but not in full detail as it is a bit embarrassing. I think I’m mainly just messaging here to vent really. Not sure if anyone else is in a similar situation.

AndyTaylor536 · 03/05/2025 11:39

It's OK to be single. Advice would be to work on yourself and focus on learning to be happy.

There are a whole bunch of place to meet people online.

The world is literally your Oyster!

3luckystars · 03/05/2025 12:53

You can just have sex with people without being in a relationship too. There is a woman ( I think her name is Jenny but not 100-% sure) she is definitely on instagram, she does online workshops for improving techniques, the website is Oh Moment you could do one of those and see if it builds up your confidence.

All the best x (and you don’t need a man!!!)

Original poster

HeIsSailingAway · 03/05/2025 13:01

AndyTaylor536 · 03/05/2025 11:39

It's OK to be single. Advice would be to work on yourself and focus on learning to be happy.

There are a whole bunch of place to meet people online.

The world is literally your Oyster!

Thanks Andy, that is true and I know that I should be happy and free being single. But I can’t shake the feeling that I would like to fulfill the physical side. Maybe something like a fwb would work, but easier said than done to find a suitable person. I’m bi curious, but that would seem harder to find a woman the same way

OP posts:

AndyTaylor536 · 03/05/2025 13:02

I'm actually in exactly the same boat as you are.

Original poster

HeIsSailingAway · 03/05/2025 13:02

3luckystars · 03/05/2025 12:53

You can just have sex with people without being in a relationship too. There is a woman ( I think her name is Jenny but not 100-% sure) she is definitely on instagram, she does online workshops for improving techniques, the website is Oh Moment you could do one of those and see if it builds up your confidence.

All the best x (and you don’t need a man!!!)

Thank you, yeah that’s true. I don’t have instagram but I will see if I can find the website

OP posts:

3luckystars · 03/05/2025 13:05

Good luck she is a lot of fun and have seen her videos on YouTube also.

Reidwood · 03/05/2025 14:36

Be bold brave, there are plenty of men out there who will connect with your personality and both of you can enjoy a healthy sex life without any commitments . Your beauty will shine through your soul✊🏿

Adidas105 · 03/05/2025 15:18

HeIsSailingAway · 03/05/2025 13:01

Thanks Andy, that is true and I know that I should be happy and free being single. But I can’t shake the feeling that I would like to fulfill the physical side. Maybe something like a fwb would work, but easier said than done to find a suitable person. I’m bi curious, but that would seem harder to find a woman the same way

Show quote history

Be brave and just be up front with any guy who is attracted to and say 'I'm not interested in a relationship only a sexual one" and before you've had a chance to say another word you'll be the guys best friend.....

GreyfriarsBobby14 · 03/05/2025 16:22

Reidwood · 03/05/2025 14:36

Be bold brave, there are plenty of men out there who will connect with your personality and both of you can enjoy a healthy sex life without any commitments . Your beauty will shine through your soul✊🏿

This. I’m sure loads of guys will be up for this kind of arrangement, and possibly some women if you’re considering exploring that path.

Good luck.

BunnyOnTheOnion · 03/05/2025 16:23

Meeting women for fun/ fwb is fairly straightforward, have a look at SkirtClub or Killing Kittens as a starting point x

Original poster

HeIsSailingAway · 03/05/2025 18:56

Thanks all, I am curious about online dating but I also don’t want my face out there on something like tinder. I’m also not the most tech savvy. Are there any web-based dating/fwb websites that are popular or are they all long gone?

OP posts:

PeriodDramas · 03/05/2025 19:24

Hi there. I was in the same boat, feeling absolutely bereft of intimacy at times. I'm 47. Unexpectedly I developed a powerful attraction to a man who's much older and am having amazing sex now.

Good communication is the key. Up until this point I spent a lot of time trying to understand sex and relationship dynamics and made a commitment to myself that in the next relationship I would be open and honest and she'd my hang ups. I read Esther Perel Erotic intelligence...it's all helped.

Dot worry about it too much, keep filing this side of yourself with reading and learning. I got a Nancy Lem recently too..it's amazing! It will happen for you

Original poster

HeIsSailingAway · 03/05/2025 19:25

PeriodDramas · 03/05/2025 19:24

Hi there. I was in the same boat, feeling absolutely bereft of intimacy at times. I'm 47. Unexpectedly I developed a powerful attraction to a man who's much older and am having amazing sex now.

Good communication is the key. Up until this point I spent a lot of time trying to understand sex and relationship dynamics and made a commitment to myself that in the next relationship I would be open and honest and she'd my hang ups. I read Esther Perel Erotic intelligence...it's all helped.

Dot worry about it too much, keep filing this side of yourself with reading and learning. I got a Nancy Lem recently too..it's amazing! It will happen for you

That’s great to hear I’m happy for you! Where did you find this man?

OP posts:

lookeelikee · 04/05/2025 08:03

Don't worry about anything or overthink it.You'll get back on the horse. My current FWB is older than you was apprehensive at first because they hadn't done this sort of thing before, having been only in long term relationships, but now they fully embrace it and are a different person.
THe friends part is just as important so find someone you get along with.

Freeflight · 04/05/2025 23:33

All you can do is decide what it is you are looking for and be honest with others. I only know about the dating apps, but they require no tech skills once you have seen them.
If you can find someone that makes you feel something again and you feel comfortable to open up to them about what you hope to achieve then I'm sure you'll find someone that fits. There are a lot of people out there (apps probably give too much choice), it's just being lucky finding people who reciprocate in the way you want.

I'm in a similar boat in that I am 2 years post separation and my ex was my only partner. We never had good sex, and for a large proportion of the relationship there was none at all.
I have met a few people since (less than I hoped) but my inexperience has worked against me. I need someone who actually takes up the friend stance of the FWB and gives me connection so that I can feel safe to be vulnerable and let go due to the history with my ex. Most men I have found are more looking for a few dates (this isn't made clear at the start) and then tap out so they tend to get what they want, and I am yet to have that "great sex" that people seem to talk about.
That's just the way the pieces fall though so I have to try and be positive about the good I have had in my life.

Adidas105 · 04/05/2025 23:59

Freeflight · 04/05/2025 23:33

All you can do is decide what it is you are looking for and be honest with others. I only know about the dating apps, but they require no tech skills once you have seen them.
If you can find someone that makes you feel something again and you feel comfortable to open up to them about what you hope to achieve then I'm sure you'll find someone that fits. There are a lot of people out there (apps probably give too much choice), it's just being lucky finding people who reciprocate in the way you want.

I'm in a similar boat in that I am 2 years post separation and my ex was my only partner. We never had good sex, and for a large proportion of the relationship there was none at all.
I have met a few people since (less than I hoped) but my inexperience has worked against me. I need someone who actually takes up the friend stance of the FWB and gives me connection so that I can feel safe to be vulnerable and let go due to the history with my ex. Most men I have found are more looking for a few dates (this isn't made clear at the start) and then tap out so they tend to get what they want, and I am yet to have that "great sex" that people seem to talk about.
That's just the way the pieces fall though so I have to try and be positive about the good I have had in my life.

If only it was easier to find an FWB....

AtYourPleasure · 05/05/2025 00:36

Adidas105 · 04/05/2025 23:59

If only it was easier to find an FWB....

Show quote history

Hey, @Freeflight.... I think you've pulled!

Adidas105 · 05/05/2025 01:16

AtYourPleasure · 05/05/2025 00:36

Hey, @Freeflight.... I think you've pulled!

Show quote history

A friend with incapacity benefit....

Yorkshireteaandasliceofcake · 05/05/2025 05:51

HeIsSailingAway · 03/05/2025 18:56

Thanks all, I am curious about online dating but I also don’t want my face out there on something like tinder. I’m also not the most tech savvy. Are there any web-based dating/fwb websites that are popular or are they all long gone?

You can use Tinder and Bumble dating sites and hide yourself on there - you can see people but they can’t see you unless you match. You have to pay for this but the Tinder 6 month one isn’t too badly priced.

Original poster

HeIsSailingAway · 05/05/2025 06:24

Freeflight · 04/05/2025 23:33

All you can do is decide what it is you are looking for and be honest with others. I only know about the dating apps, but they require no tech skills once you have seen them.
If you can find someone that makes you feel something again and you feel comfortable to open up to them about what you hope to achieve then I'm sure you'll find someone that fits. There are a lot of people out there (apps probably give too much choice), it's just being lucky finding people who reciprocate in the way you want.

I'm in a similar boat in that I am 2 years post separation and my ex was my only partner. We never had good sex, and for a large proportion of the relationship there was none at all.
I have met a few people since (less than I hoped) but my inexperience has worked against me. I need someone who actually takes up the friend stance of the FWB and gives me connection so that I can feel safe to be vulnerable and let go due to the history with my ex. Most men I have found are more looking for a few dates (this isn't made clear at the start) and then tap out so they tend to get what they want, and I am yet to have that "great sex" that people seem to talk about.
That's just the way the pieces fall though so I have to try and be positive about the good I have had in my life.

That’s true, I think I have decided that I’m looking for a fwb, male or female, that I can get along with both as a sex partner but also as a friend like you say so it is something ongoing rather than a one off and be discarded. What apps are you currently using? (If any)

I’m sorry to hear you haven’t had luck when it comes to finding someone for good sex yet. I’m lucky in that I have in the past, it’s just finding that connection again.

OP posts:

Original poster

HeIsSailingAway · 05/05/2025 06:25

Yorkshireteaandasliceofcake · 05/05/2025 05:51

You can use Tinder and Bumble dating sites and hide yourself on there - you can see people but they can’t see you unless you match. You have to pay for this but the Tinder 6 month one isn’t too badly priced.

Show quote history

I didn’t realise you could, thanks for letting me know, bumble seems to be a bit more stylish than tinder, and I don’t mind paying so I may try it

OP posts:

Adidas105 · 05/05/2025 06:29

HeIsSailingAway · 05/05/2025 06:24

That’s true, I think I have decided that I’m looking for a fwb, male or female, that I can get along with both as a sex partner but also as a friend like you say so it is something ongoing rather than a one off and be discarded. What apps are you currently using? (If any)

I’m sorry to hear you haven’t had luck when it comes to finding someone for good sex yet. I’m lucky in that I have in the past, it’s just finding that connection again.

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Have you reached out on MN?

Original poster

HeIsSailingAway · 05/05/2025 06:42

Adidas105 · 05/05/2025 06:29

Have you reached out on MN?

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What do you mean?

OP posts:

Adidas105 · 05/05/2025 07:03

HeIsSailingAway · 05/05/2025 06:42

What do you mean?

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Directly messaged people on Mumsnet if they're interested what you're looking for?

AtYourPleasure · 05/05/2025 07:20

HeIsSailingAway · 05/05/2025 06:42

What do you mean?

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He wants you to PM him to see if you're up for a FWB. He doesn't want to get in touch first, because it sometimes doesn't go down too well, so you'll have to make the first move.