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Original poster

Feeling helpless and frustrated

36 replies

HeIsSailingAway · 03/05/2025 11:28

I’ve been single now for just under two years. And before that I was in a sexless marriage because he was having an affair then left before I found out. I have gotten to the point where I feel a weird feeling which is a mixture of melancholy, frustration and helplessness because I’m officially in my late 40s now and I have no intimacy when it feels like time is slipping away. I have only been in two long term relationships, so I feel out of my depth. If I’m being honest with myself, I think I mainly want sex and intimacy more than jumping into another relationship, however I don’t know where I would start. It feels like everyone else has got so much experience whereas I feel like I’m starting from square one with no clue. I see a therapist (just for general life conversation) and I have mentioned this but not in full detail as it is a bit embarrassing. I think I’m mainly just messaging here to vent really. Not sure if anyone else is in a similar situation.

OP posts:
Adidas105 · 05/05/2025 07:31

AtYourPleasure · 05/05/2025 07:20

He wants you to PM him to see if you're up for a FWB. He doesn't want to get in touch first, because it sometimes doesn't go down too well, so you'll have to make the first move.

Show quote history

@AtYourPleasure stop giving the game away and interrupting what could be a long lasting FWB friendship found on MN. Off to put the kettle on. A nice cup of Yorkshire Gold.

Freeflight · 05/05/2025 07:57

@HeIsSailingAway im on a few different ones intermittently from Bumble, Tinder, Hinge and someone on here also directed me to Feeld.
They are mostly the same and you'll see the same people. I'm also not sure paying helps at all as I've had some cheap trials with most and am no more successful. I'd avoid Plenty of Fish and Match though, those were pretty sad.

I've actually found people on Tinder are much more honest about what they want, but in reality most seem to say that they are looking for a relationship of some kind (whether casual or long term) but when you invest a bit of time and energy, or meet them, they just want a one of sex set up. Its tricky finding the honest ones.
And yes, you'll get people direct messaging on here. I don't know about you, but for a casual set up I need there to be an instant physical attraction, long term relationships can grow. Apps are easier in that sense as you can see them, but I don't think it's easy to find someone who gives you both the friend and benefit that fits for you.
But, you won't find it if you don't put yourself out there, and it's less scary than you think just always make sure that you keep control.

Adidas105 · 05/05/2025 08:10

You sound too fussy. It's just good satisfying sex you're after with no commitment and after a satisfying handful of orgasms in the bedroom or wherever, you can put the kettle on for a cuppa and then maybe go sightseeing or shopping. Time isn't on most of us side having wasted bloody years fighting for our marriages. Turn the lights out, put a paper bag over his head....

Adidas105 · 05/05/2025 08:19

3luckystars · 03/05/2025 12:53

You can just have sex with people without being in a relationship too. There is a woman ( I think her name is Jenny but not 100-% sure) she is definitely on instagram, she does online workshops for improving techniques, the website is Oh Moment you could do one of those and see if it builds up your confidence.

All the best x (and you don’t need a man!!!)

The 'you don't need a man' is what's caused a load of these problems we're sharing here. Turning to a vibrator/dildo or choosing a same sex meet up especially when your ex has never admitted she's bi and prefers sex with women leaving me without sex whilst she was having sex for the last 10 years of our marriage with a female friend who she introduced to me and our kids as someone from her church. Wow! Her bi sexually and dishonesty destroyed the family and ruined the life of our seven children. The kids blame me! Wtf! Apologies for the Sunday morning rant.

Original poster
HeIsSailingAway · 05/05/2025 08:29

Freeflight · 05/05/2025 07:57

@HeIsSailingAway im on a few different ones intermittently from Bumble, Tinder, Hinge and someone on here also directed me to Feeld.
They are mostly the same and you'll see the same people. I'm also not sure paying helps at all as I've had some cheap trials with most and am no more successful. I'd avoid Plenty of Fish and Match though, those were pretty sad.

I've actually found people on Tinder are much more honest about what they want, but in reality most seem to say that they are looking for a relationship of some kind (whether casual or long term) but when you invest a bit of time and energy, or meet them, they just want a one of sex set up. Its tricky finding the honest ones.
And yes, you'll get people direct messaging on here. I don't know about you, but for a casual set up I need there to be an instant physical attraction, long term relationships can grow. Apps are easier in that sense as you can see them, but I don't think it's easy to find someone who gives you both the friend and benefit that fits for you.
But, you won't find it if you don't put yourself out there, and it's less scary than you think just always make sure that you keep control.

How long have you been using the apps? Gosh it does sound a bit bleak I must admit! I have a son and with me breaking up with my ex (his dad) I don’t want to put him through something like that again, it wouldn’t be fair. So something casual seems like a win-win overall. But from you experience it does sound like a bit of a jungle. Have you met many on dates etc?

OP posts:
lookeelikee · 05/05/2025 08:30

I don't think it's that difficult. Unlike PP I've used POF and had success. Just put a photo up and say casual dating. Sit back and sift through the replies. As in all things hat are on line. Be vigilant.

AtYourPleasure · 05/05/2025 08:35

Adidas105 · 05/05/2025 08:10

You sound too fussy. It's just good satisfying sex you're after with no commitment and after a satisfying handful of orgasms in the bedroom or wherever, you can put the kettle on for a cuppa and then maybe go sightseeing or shopping. Time isn't on most of us side having wasted bloody years fighting for our marriages. Turn the lights out, put a paper bag over his head....

There you go ladies, lower your standards and you can fuck whoever you want!

Freeflight · 05/05/2025 09:47

@HeIsSailingAway it's not all bad and I know plenty of people who are now happily matched up. Some were only on there 6 months and they've done nothing different from me at all.
I'm a long timer at this point, but definitely don't let that put you off as its a game of numbers and luck and you just don't know where you'll fall. And I'm still there, trying.

I've been on there for 18 months and have quite a wide age bracket (10 years either side). I've matched with over 400 people in that time, I'd say less than 25% actually respond to an initial message and then of those it's whether you get on.
I've only met a handful and that's not for lack of trying. Actually the first one was the best as he was actually honest when he felt it wasn't for him after a few dates.
Most seem to just talk and never want to arrange to meet (if there's no date arranged within a week then it's unlikely to go further, so don't waste too much effort), others have been quite offensive in their opinions, others just want you to send photos of yourself or they like to share their own.
And I'd try different apps as like @lookeelikee said they had success on Plenty of Fish so that might be your place. I just got sex pests direct messaging sadly so was very put off.

@Adidas105 yeah I'm sure I could easily bed half the blokes I've spoken to, but I don't tend to get turned on by blokes who share racist slurs or send me photos of their penis when I explicitly tell them not to. Most women need emotional engagement to get physical satisfaction, it's how we massively differ from the male sex, so I definitely have no intention of shoving a bag over a man's head to get a thrill. I've got a lot more self worth than that.

Original poster
HeIsSailingAway · 05/05/2025 10:52

Freeflight · 05/05/2025 09:47

@HeIsSailingAway it's not all bad and I know plenty of people who are now happily matched up. Some were only on there 6 months and they've done nothing different from me at all.
I'm a long timer at this point, but definitely don't let that put you off as its a game of numbers and luck and you just don't know where you'll fall. And I'm still there, trying.

I've been on there for 18 months and have quite a wide age bracket (10 years either side). I've matched with over 400 people in that time, I'd say less than 25% actually respond to an initial message and then of those it's whether you get on.
I've only met a handful and that's not for lack of trying. Actually the first one was the best as he was actually honest when he felt it wasn't for him after a few dates.
Most seem to just talk and never want to arrange to meet (if there's no date arranged within a week then it's unlikely to go further, so don't waste too much effort), others have been quite offensive in their opinions, others just want you to send photos of yourself or they like to share their own.
And I'd try different apps as like @lookeelikee said they had success on Plenty of Fish so that might be your place. I just got sex pests direct messaging sadly so was very put off.

@Adidas105 yeah I'm sure I could easily bed half the blokes I've spoken to, but I don't tend to get turned on by blokes who share racist slurs or send me photos of their penis when I explicitly tell them not to. Most women need emotional engagement to get physical satisfaction, it's how we massively differ from the male sex, so I definitely have no intention of shoving a bag over a man's head to get a thrill. I've got a lot more self worth than that.

Thanks for the reassurance, it sounds like you’ve had a it of a tumultuous time, sorry to hear about that. I guess it is really luck of the draw, the perfect person could be the first person you might, or the 45th. I’m not looking for anything extravagant, like a guy with a big willy, or a woman with a model body or anything. Just plain old regular like plain old me haha

OP posts:
Freeflight · 05/05/2025 12:09

Yeah you could find something in the 2nd person you chat to and you always have to hold onto the idea that the next chat can be a positive experience. You just don't know. It's luck, just like it always was pre apps. Do your best to stay in control and do what works for you, don't second guess yourself, go with your gut.
Ive had lots of nice interactions, even when just chatting so it isn't all horrible. But it's easy for anyone to start swiping so you can get anything from the best, to the absolute worst.
I don't think many people want someone extravagant, I definitely don't. Just a nice guy who I am attracted to.

Adidas105 · 05/05/2025 22:21

AtYourPleasure · 05/05/2025 08:35

There you go ladies, lower your standards and you can fuck whoever you want!

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Who said they had standards?

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