New partner has given me genital herpes

[GingerKat24]

Started dating a guy beginning of Feb. We are both late 50’s. Very intense at beginning - both got on really well and things moved fast. Anyway … after a few weeks I started getting very sore and uncomfortable down below. Went to the doctor who took a swab … it’s genital herpes. Spoke to new partner about this and his response was that ‘no previous partners had ever told him ‘, however on quizzing him he admitted he did sometimes have a rash down there….
So I’ve been reeling with the news that I have this virus. Asides from being quite unwell (and I’ve subsequently had another outbreak) I feel like my future has now totally changed forever To make things worse …In the last couple of weeks relationship has totally changed … he’s becoming quite distant .. ‘busy with work etc’. I texted him over the weekend asking if he still wanted to see me as things seemed to have changed ..and his reply was some stupid emoji!! (Hiding face) I mean wtf!! I am now so upset and angry. I feel like this selfish twat has ruined my life ..I feel like I can never have another relationship , as I could never knowingly pass this virus on to someone. I always hoped I’d have a long term relationship and possible even remarry. Is there anyone out there with herpes who can give me some advice with living with? Have told a close friend but feel very isolated, embarrassed and depressed ..

That is so devastating and there’s nothing you can do. You HAVE to dump this guy who has done this to you though!! I hope you feel better soon

Sorry when I said nothing you can do- I meant about him really. Obviously there are treatments even though it’s not curable.

Chin up my lovely. I know two people women, close to me who both caught it from partners too. I will say once you have taken your tablets daily the outbreaks are less or no longer occur. I know it isn't a nice feeling or thing to have, but it does get better! And you can still live your life normally like you don't have it, the people I know take medication daily to stop outbreaks and go on with life normal. Men who do this make me sick, I feel for you! There should be sentences for people who do this, it's like when people get sentenced for giving people HIV without saying they have it, it's no different. Wrong, but keep your head high.

That is reassuring thank you - I’ll go back to the doctors and ask about medication because these outbreaks are pretty unpleasant.

Yes, they should have given you tablets to take daily, so you don't pass it on or have outbreaks. Once you do take them you can go on like normal, but make sure they are taken daily as outbreaks can occur if not. I wish you the best.

I just wanted to share a post I did on this a few weeks ago and I got lots of lovely helpful advice! https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_health/5293272-just-been-diagnosed-with-genital-herpes-devastated

I’ve not had another outbreak so far (touch wood, it’s only been a month though) but I was assured that if you get recurrent outbreaks, you can speak to your GP who will prescribe you longer-term antivirals.
Please take heart that loads of people get this and it calms down and isn’t as debilitating as it currently feels. Also lots of new partners would be understanding so you just need to cross that bridge when you come to it ❤️ Sending hugs as I know how you feel, although my situation is different as my partner genuinely didn’t seem to know he had it (no symptoms) and we are still going strong (it doesn’t faze him to think that he might not actually have it and I could technically give it to him - we are just being watchful but still enjoying our sex life, so there are men out there who will be understanding ❤️). As I said, lots of good advice and links in that previous thread.

If your GP is not helpful you can go to a sexual health clinic. One advantage is that prescriptions from there are free of charge

That is really helpful… thank you. I’m going to try and get a drs appointment tomorrow as this second outbreak is now into week 2 and it’s not just sores, my legs are aching like mad 😩 I guess I’m also feeling so let down by the guy who gave me it … he’s taking no accountability and just appears to have disappeared off the scene. And will no doubt carry on shagging away … am feeling incredibly angry with myself for getting involved with him ..

Please search my user name or herpes, I’ve posted many times on this topic.

There is hope, get yourself onto a daily antiviral - ask, plead if you have to with the doctor.

Read as much as you can about the virus, it’s massively present in the population, at your age, there’s a good chance that probably 80% will have HSV1 and a slightly lower percentage with HSV 2. It’s a skin rash. (And before anyone comes on about the effects of a first outbreak on unborn babies during pregnancy- this is not likely to be the case for a 50+ woman ). It’s horrible if you let it get to the blister stage but modern antivirals can prevent this, so do ask for them.

I try to respond to all the cries for help when this topic comes up but I’m on the boards here less than I used to be (got a sex life to get on with!). Honestly it’s not the end of the world, I know it feels like it now, but I’ve lived with HSV 1 and 2 for over 30 years now and I’m still here and still meeting people and telling them and they often say “ oh yes me too! (At which point I’m both relieved and angry, why do I have speak up first, but I suppose one of us has to).
You are not unclean or disgusting or bad, it’s a nasty shock but you will come to terms with it and you are not destined for a convent.
Chin up and ask for valacyclovir or acyclovir (I didn’t get on with acyclovir it gave me the shits).

first of all dump him!! and then you need proper medical attention from an STD clinic..... they are understanding (and well condoms are good to wear if you don't want and STD of any sort.). the clinic will suggest a course of acyclovir - taken 12 hourly over a few months, possibly a year. Should you have no other condition which would weaken your ability to corner the virus... well cut out chocolate/tea/coffee and sugars, and hope for the best. Men are awful about transmitting the virus and commonly do what your 'ex' has done to you.. I'd like men who have sex during outbreaks to be forcefully tattooed with something informative to women. Also... older men seem to care less about passing std's on to women, and don't like wearing condoms.

Sorry to hear about this, but it really isn’t the end of the world. You have had a couple of outbreaks in a short space of time, but they tend to become less frequent and, in fact, you may never have one again. Stress and anxiety don’t help though.
The thing to realise is that a big proportion of the general population carry the virus, with many having no symptoms and therefore being unaware that they have it. This guy may be in this category, but given his behaviour, I doubt it.
I know all this through a relationship in my twenties when the lady in question confided in me that she had herpes in a restaurant one evening (before we were intimate). She was brave and really dignified, I was shocked of course. We had a great relationship for five years, she never had an outbreak, nothing happened to me - in effect, it was an absolute non-issue for us. Our relationship ended when I went abroad, something we have both since regretted to a degree, although I wouldn’t swap my wife for the world.
So try to calm down, get some perspective and I promise that you will be fine. Bear in mind that you can only pass it on during an outbreak, just like kissing someone with a cold sore. Is there really a need to disclose it to a new partner when it’s quite likely they already have it? That’s a moral dilemma.

@Tristan5 Is there really a need to disclose it to a new partner when it’s quite likely they already have it?

Yes there is very much a need to disclose it. What someone else does with that information is up to them.

The woman who started this thread is in their situation because someone didn’t disclose it.

I would have to disclose it morally … also I understood that I could pass it on even I wasn’t having an outbreak…

Given that most people have the virus and don’t even know, does this mean that nobody should be having unprotected sex?

The risk of passing it on outside an outbreak is very low (a recent study found asymptomatic infection accounted for 0.5% of cases).

The reality is that many people with genital herpes rarely have outbreaks beyond the initial one, maybe one or two, and they live normally afterwards, with no problems for any one.

And this is what happens in practice.

He probably didn’t realise he had it; it could also be the case that she acquired it from a previous partner and that it lay dormant in her for a while, showing itself during a period of stress……this can happen years later.