Managing differing sex drives.

[NickiNackyDo]

I've named changes as I don't want my NCT friends to comment.

Been married 14 years. 2 children aged 9 and 7. My husband sat me down last night to have a serious conversation about our relationship and sex. I'm trying to work out if he is being unreasonable or if anyone else has found a good solution for mismatched sex drives.

As with many other posters on this board he is unhappy with the amount of sex we have. We probably have some form if sexual contact once every six weeks. Occasionally when busy this drifts up to 2-3 months. In honesty it's been like this since our eldest was born. Sex just isn't as high up my busy priorities list anymore. When we get some free time together I really love it. However, at other times it just feels like another chore and I'd rather sleep. I love him very much and despite a bit of a mild nudge every now and then he never pushes for sex. He works puts kids to bed every night. Overall I think I have a good husband.

He told me he is slowly going mad with the frequency of sex. He hasn't wanted to bring it up before now as ' nagging for sex isn't sexy' and he recognises the impact of both kids and jobs etc. He says he doesn't want to force me into anything and loves me for more than sex but this is slowly eating away at him.

Is once every 6 weeks really that bad?

He's suggest some solutions - i think these are a bit weird but wanted an opinion.

1. we make an effort to schedule time for sex each month as a minimum. If we don't make this we check each other are OK. Is this a bit coercive?

2. if we have a cuddle and he is randy snd I'm not, he gets to have a wank in bed with me. He says he is tired of hiding from me to do this and wants some connection with me to turn him on. He says its not just the lack of sex but the feeling of rejection or presumed rejecion when he tries it on. Isn't this seriously weird? Shouldn't masturbation be just for him. Does anyone do this?

He says he does want an open marriage as its not for him not good for family. It's just me he wants

We need to find a solution. I do feel bad that he is unhappy but in honesty sex is less important to me now. Has anyone made this work? Practical advice needed

The problem with this is it’s quite evident that men and women have very different views on what’s right and what’s wrong in a relationship, and that’s fine but as the board is predominantly female it can be a dangerous route to take.

Information is always a good thing to have. It needs to be spelled out before things happen that can't be reversed.

Yes it’s ’mum mode’ that is such a desire killer isn’t. What has massively helped me (to the extent my libido is back to what it was pre kids even if we don’t have sex as frequently anymore) is being able to step out of mum mode (going to work doesn’t count 😂).

I go to the gym most days (other hobbies are available!) and the endorphins last all day 😉

the other thing is spending time dating- we go for runs together, dog walks or lunch.

finally I’d say at our stage of life quality over quantity can be important. I much prefer less frequent but when we both know 💯 we both want to be in that moment is waaaaay better than forcing yourself twice a week to keep someone happy.

maybe include some of those points when you talk to your husband as I think it can be unrealistic to just have more sex when your desire isn’t there.

I think realistically young people learn 99% about relationships from their parents.

If we model respect, love, body autonomy, prioritising ourselves sometimes, good health and that abuse is unacceptable we have given them a fighting chance to find their own happiness ☺️

99% about relationships from their parents.

Seemingly the OP's DH's parents forgot to tell him that after the marriage and kids some women could change their mind about their guy to the the point where she might refuse even to allow him to wank near her.

I think it was really mature of him to suggest what he did and sit down with you. I understand how rejected he must feel and how his needs are not met. From what he is saying he wants to be seen, he wants to matter and his needs acknowledged. I don't think it is as simple as pure sexual pleasure.

I get that you may not be interested but for him he seems really important. His request looks very reasonable to me. Maybe you could help him with satisfying himself lying next to you?
Re kids- maybe you could have one night a month when kids go to bed and you can focus on you and him.

I think it's really important that your husband decided to have what must have been a really difficult conversation rather than carry on feeling frustrated or increasingly angry.The only solution to varying sex drives is compromise.
My partner and I have differing sex drives so the solution has been to schedule sex.I know some will say it then becomes cold but you get used to it and we now know the more you have sex the more you want it.
Also think out of the box.You don't like the taste of cum ask your husband to wear a condom.Thr fact you are offering blowjobs he will jump at it.The most positive thing you have said is that when you do have sex you really enjoy it.You just need to give it a higher priority
Good luck

I’m surprised so many people are picking up that she doesn’t enjoy BJ (but he does enjoy going down on her). I personally love oral and it would be a dealbreaker for me but he married her knowing she didn’t like them so it’s obviously not a big deal for him! Plus I think most people would turn down anything offered that they know their partner found unappealing?

Absolutely, it's why there's been no oral for me for over a decade. I would love to give and receive but the fact DW dislikes both means it's a non starter and the idea quickly loses the appeal.

I was friends with a couple very like you and husband, and a similar issue as I found out afterwards as they are no longer married. Both lovely people and he was a great husband and father….her admission. She got like yourself and couldn’t be bothered and eventually he gave up as he wanted a marriage and not a friendship. They split up despite her begging for another chance etc but sadly he said it was just too late and he would always feel like she was having sex as she had to, rather than wanted to with him. She is still a good friend of mine and says it is her biggest regret she didn’t put more time in to work at that side of their relationship.

He didn’t have another woman…stayed single for a long time but quickly got snapped up when started dating and through conventional means, not apps…no surprise as he was a real catch…a really lovely guy.

i suppose my advice is think ahead and what are you prepared to accept as this is the potential outcome as eventually it becomes toxic

DH and I were similar—no real interest in oral on either side until I hit peri menopause and had a hormone surge and became interested. He was quite happy to receive, but not give—I felt used, so I stopped doing it.

Hi OP

i could once relate to this post. Which makes me wonder if you are being totally honest with yourself? Do you still love and desire your DH? Do you still kiss and cuddle?

I ask because I only had sex with my ExH once a month and also didn’t give him oral. We rarely kissed and cuddled either. I used tired as an excuse a lot of the time, even when I wasn’t really. He ended up going elsewhere for it and our marriage ended.

fast forward 7yrs and I’m now married to a man that I can’t keep my hands off, I would literally jump on him all day long if I could and he gets oral 🤣

It has made me realise that I could have never truly fancied my EXH which is why I was never that intimate with him, because if I did I would have made that time for him. Are you being truthful to yourself OP?

It sounds to me that he is being totally reasonable and looking for a positive and constructive solution to what is a problem. He is looking for real solutions.

As others have said, it is very different to some of the “sulking threads” we have become used to elsewhere.

As for the “open masturbation” thing, as a woman l enjoy this with a difference. On occasion, when l’m really too sleepy for 1:1 sex, l still need (and for me it is a need) for that release, l love to be held by someone during the event. I think the other issue here appears to be lack of touch.

l couldn’t imagine going for such long periods without sex. As for oral (both ways) for me it is almost always part of foreplay with occasional oral only sessions. I really think this is a mind over matter issue. He sounds clean and hygienic. It really should not be an unpleasant experience. Is there something in upbringing here?

Finally, l usually think toys are better for solo play, but given the circumstances here, maybe introduce a vibrater into proceedings?

Good luck OP x

@NickiNackyDo have you spoken up your husband or are you still considering a way forward?

Ok. Had a few more conversations on this and listened to your posts.

1. I asked myself if I did fancy him any more and at first I wasn't sure but when I really thought I fancy him differently now. I used to love him just for him I'm also now in love with the life he provides, being a good dad and getting on with my family etc. Because he does those husband things more I've kind of forgotten the passionate bit.

2. we have had sex a little more and I've put a bit more effort in. This even gave me a fantastic orgasm during sex which is rare after child two. Perhaps once a month now. Maybe I had a mental block somehow. Before anyone says he always made me orgasm after sex in some way toys/fingers / mouth etc.

He still says once a month is a bit too little but is happy with some improvement.

I'm wondering about the masturbation thing. He says sometimes he won't masturbate on a weekend to 'save it for me' then when I don't oblige feels very frustrated and rejected.

Some othe couples seem to do this - how does it work? Do you just say 'not tonight darling-just sort yourself out'. Hevsays he would feel more validated that way as I remain the focus of his attention

@NickiNackyDo Some therapists would class once a month as basically sexless. If your husband wants sex, say, three times a week, he's disappointed 11 times a month.

Read the sexless marriage support thread, particularly the contribution of men and women in your husband's position.

I never say no - but I’m the one with the higher sex drive 🤷‍♀️

Truth bomb incoming:

Your marriage is doomed.

So you want sex once a month, no oral, and you like it to last up to 20 minutes.

Like, of course he's miserable. You must be living in a self-absorbed whirlwind of motherhood if you can't see that.

You said in your original post, those 4 to 6 weeks can easily be 10 to 12. Probably even longer if he didn't mention it, am I right? That is not a sex life. That is having the least amount of sex with your husband that you possibly can. That is going to kill your marriage. He's telling you! He's telling you that it's eating him up. He's trying to work out nice, respectful ways to tell you without nagging.

Except... well, the nicey-nice approach doesn't work, does it? I'm sure you make him feel heard and valued when he talks to you about it. And then... nothing for weeks, when it will be up to him to drop hints and initiate as usual. Trust me, he will eventually lose patience and start nagging you. What else can he do, except ask a lot?

I guarantee you this will be consuming him. He will be thinking about this every single day. Probably as soon as he wakes up in the morning, and as he goes to sleep at night. Wondering when his next 20 poxy minutes might be. He will be resenting you deeply.

Do you care about that? Or in reality do you think he's actually got no right to feel that way, and he should simply shut up and be grateful for however much or little sex YOU decide he's getting.

If I could identify the single worst aspect of it as a man? Having no idea at all when the next time might be. Think about it, if you're eventually getting sex after weeks of NOTHING, you're going to want it to be as special as possible. (OK, well, your husband is). He's doing it now, you've told us. Abstaining from masturbation, probably shaving his balls etc. Perhaps extra attempts to set the scene, flowers etc? If you do all that, and then you don't get sex? Believe me, feeling "very frustrated and rejected" does not even start to cover it.

I don't understand why this isn't obvious, unless you really don't care about your husband.

He wants frequent, quality sex with an enthusiastic partner. Somebody who is sex positive, asks HIM for sex, is an active participant in your sex life, comes up with new ideas for the bedroom. This is a normal, healthy thing for a married couple to have.

Let me guess. The sex used to be great before the kids came along.

As you can probably tell, I have been where your husband is and it's fucking miserable.

This will get worse and worse over time, and I repeat what I said: your marriage is doomed. You have only two routes to marital happiness: either you somehow rediscover your libido, or he wakes up one day with erectile dysfunction.

Fingers crossed, eh?

@letshearitfortheboy That's a truly excellent post.

Edit I've just read it again. Still excellent. One of the best, most honesty, and least apologetic things I've ever seen from a fellow man.

that sounds really positive. I think just keep communicating and trying things and you’ll find what works for you both. Good luck 😉

In fairness to Nicky Nack, at least she's here NOW. Most women posting on this subject don't end up here until months and years down the line, when hubby's initial nicey-nice approach has long since given way to the inevitable resentment, anger, and of course.... bitterness. (WAVES to Gym Bunny, hi there! 👋👋 Hope you're enjoying the nice weather!!!!)

Such posts are of course catnip to the usual suspects who love to respond by wondering loudly how any woman could POSSIBLY bear to have sex with such a whingeing, pestering man-child. No wonder he gets it so rarely. Lucky he gets it at all! What a prick.

In reality, behind every such post is a man who started out with the nicey-nice approach and got nowhere, and a woman who is like an ostrich. Head in the sand, hoping the problem somehow disappears on its own. Her husband's sex drive was great to begin with. All fun and games at the start of a relationship! But now you're married and the kids are here, it's an inconvenience. Not something she's interested in, not something she needs to worry about, not something she needs to do anything about. If only he'd just shut the fuck up, life would be perfect!

Aside from the part about the marriage being doomed (my marriage is still going after years of no sex) everything else you say is very true. The hurt is real. The pain is real. the lack of self worth is real. Can a marriage survive that? If the one who is hurting can handle it, just about.

But to be fair to the OP...not only are they having sex she is doing all she can to improve the situation. Her husband is lucky and I am sure they will get there.

Does anyone know if the new pope has started handing out sainthoods yet because I'd like to nominate OPs husband?

The truth is really he wants more sex and that in itself is not unreasonable given you are not having sex even monthly.
I would be utterly miserable at that with my dh and I would be feeling rejected, unattractive, unloved and it would consume me. If after conversations nothing changed I’d consider ending my marriage. I want to be with my husband in a physical way and I want him to want that and to feel that. If you don’t want a sex life anymore you owe it to him to be honest and then take it from there with whatever his decision

I'm glad you've come back to update your thread @NickiNackyDo
From reading your original post, the comments & then your updates, it's made me think of the following things:

What was your sex life like when you first got together? Was it passionate, urgent & fun? Or was it going through the motions? Did you enjoy it - were you keen & enthusiastic, or just happy to go along with things? I'm not asking you to answer these questions in the form of a reply, but to consider them for yourself. I'm also not being critical here, I'm hoping it might help you to understand why you're feeling like you do.

Did you have "date nights?" If so, is this much different to scheduling sex?

I think there are lots of positives in your posts & I think fair play to your DH for sitting down & saying how he feels. This isn't him being a "sex pest," this is him doing what we all should do in a committed relationship - communicate.

In terms of how you're feeling, I wonder if you've dropped into this pattern of knowing he wants sex more than you, so you're almost on edge, waiting for him to suggest it or make a move. If he then does make a move, does this annoy you thinking "here we go again?" Maybe think about where this comes from? Are you annoyed at him for something else in the relationship? Do you feel resentment for you carrying more of the load (with kids etc)? Do you feel other tasks/jobs around the house are far more important than sex? What does sex really mean to you? Is it something nice to do for 20 mins, that feels good once you start?

When you think about sex, do you have a "script or narrative" in your head about what that is or what you think it should be? Does him masturbating make you feel uncomfortable/weird? Do you think him asking to do this with you is wrong? I think as women, we can sometimes feel conflicted regarding sex & also our hormones play a huge part in all of this.

From what you've said, it sounds like DH wants to have sex, not just for the sake of sex, but for that deeper feeling of connection, being desired/wanted/ fancied and that sense of closeness. Does sex make you feel these things? Did you use to feel these things before having kids?

I know we place a lot of emphasis on "penis in vagina" sex & orgasms, as this is what we've been "taught" that sex is. Sex & intimacy can & should be more than that, it should be having that closeness & connection outside of the bedroom. Do you kiss, send cheeky texts or show each other that you're thinking of them? Are you able to both be you, not just mum & dad to the kids? Sometimes we don't have the time or energy for full sex, but touching, massage, masturbation or oral sex can be really good alternatives that keep the romance alive. I think it's reasonable that our sex drives won't always match & as long as that intimacy happens at other times, it then won't always feel like one person is being rejected all of the time. I think we have this natural instinct to want to know "what's normal" & how many times a week or month is everyone else having sex. I don't think this really matters, it's if the both of you are happy with the frequency & type of sex you want.

There are lots of experts who talk/write about this. Esther Perel & Dr Karen Gurney are both worth looking up as they've done lots of podcasts discussing these issues. Esther P has done a recent podcast on The Diary of a CEO (Steven Bartlett).
Karen Gurney is The Sex Doctor on Instagram & has written two really good books. The second one may be more relevant - How to not let kids ruin your sex life.