Managing differing sex drives.

[NickiNackyDo]

I've named changes as I don't want my NCT friends to comment.

Been married 14 years. 2 children aged 9 and 7. My husband sat me down last night to have a serious conversation about our relationship and sex. I'm trying to work out if he is being unreasonable or if anyone else has found a good solution for mismatched sex drives.

As with many other posters on this board he is unhappy with the amount of sex we have. We probably have some form if sexual contact once every six weeks. Occasionally when busy this drifts up to 2-3 months. In honesty it's been like this since our eldest was born. Sex just isn't as high up my busy priorities list anymore. When we get some free time together I really love it. However, at other times it just feels like another chore and I'd rather sleep. I love him very much and despite a bit of a mild nudge every now and then he never pushes for sex. He works puts kids to bed every night. Overall I think I have a good husband.

He told me he is slowly going mad with the frequency of sex. He hasn't wanted to bring it up before now as ' nagging for sex isn't sexy' and he recognises the impact of both kids and jobs etc. He says he doesn't want to force me into anything and loves me for more than sex but this is slowly eating away at him.

Is once every 6 weeks really that bad?

He's suggest some solutions - i think these are a bit weird but wanted an opinion.

1. we make an effort to schedule time for sex each month as a minimum. If we don't make this we check each other are OK. Is this a bit coercive?

2. if we have a cuddle and he is randy snd I'm not, he gets to have a wank in bed with me. He says he is tired of hiding from me to do this and wants some connection with me to turn him on. He says its not just the lack of sex but the feeling of rejection or presumed rejecion when he tries it on. Isn't this seriously weird? Shouldn't masturbation be just for him. Does anyone do this?

He says he does want an open marriage as its not for him not good for family. It's just me he wants

We need to find a solution. I do feel bad that he is unhappy but in honesty sex is less important to me now. Has anyone made this work? Practical advice needed

I don't have any solution for you. You certainly shouldn't (and don't) have to have sex if you don't want to, obviously.

But you do, as a couple, need to understand and acknowledge what each of you finds important in a relationship. It's not uncommon, for both men and women, to experience sexual rejection as a more general rejection. Many people feel that sex is a great way of building intimacy and reinforcing self-esteem. So don't dismiss his feelings as 'unreasonable'. You need to discuss what happening and make sure he knows and understands how you're feeling and try to understand him as well. And that is just the starting point of finding a way to solve the issue in a way that you both can live with

No doubt you will get a lot of different responses , men swaying towards it’s too infrequent for them and the women saying it normal after kids/busy life.

sex/intimacy should be enjoyable and IMHO a women who finds sex a chore isn’t getting good sex in the first place and therefore doesn’t crave it.

it’s difficult to tell if his requests/demands are unreasonable without knowing a bit more information but personally I wouldn’t be happy once every other month or so.

I think the general conscious ( on MN at least ) is men are sex pests and that’s all that’s important to them but forget that men need to feel loved and wanted as much as women.

the comment about not wanting an open relationship is weird, as is the comment about the wank in bed if you aren’t up for sex. There’s no need to bring either up IMO.

Indont think anyone can go from zero to 100 in a blink of an eye if they aren’t feeling it, so I would suggest gradually introducing more sensual stuff/intimacy without the pressure of sex and see where it goes.

You will get a lot of helpful responses on this board from the likes of Gymbunny etc but I wouldn’t say your situation is particularly abnormal / unusual.

I think you’re both being completely reasonable and lovely actually- which is a great starting point. You’re like me that you really love sex when you have free time together. If it was me I’d suggest booking in that once a month together to start with- just give it a go. But why not suggest making it special couple time with bonding, food, maybe a hotel (even a day room?). As you reconnect you may feel comfortable with his second suggestion too.

as you know kids get older/more independent every year and in 10 years time they’ll virtually be grown ups. So just a little reconnection now will build over time hopefully. Good luck!

Thanks @Smithey885☺️

I think you have a great husband.

A mismatched sex drive is really hard. I agree with @Smithey885 that MN paint men who want sex in their marriage as sex pests. I totally disagree. I'd be horrified if I woke up one day and realised I was only having sex 8 times a year. I'd want to resolve that too.

He's being open with you. He's trying to find solutions. He's presented a starter for 10. So you discuss it now.

I think there's hope, as you say that you really love it once you get free time together. I think the idea of planning in time for sex once a month is a great place to start. Not coercive at all. When you're in the throws of primary age children, you need to carve out time to nurture your relationship. You need to date. You need to look forward to spending time with each other. And us women need to anticipate sex to get turned on. He's got the whole day to make you feel loved and special before bedtime. And for you to ensure you plan a day that means you're not too tired.

Number 2 doesn't sound weird at all. He wants a sexual connection with you, his wife, the person he loves, the warm body lying next to him that he adores and holds tenderly. That's so much better than a cold bathroom and his imagination.

If neither 1 nor 2 appeal, what are your solutions? What are your suggestions to help fix this area of your mutual life together? As this issue isn't going to go away.

Hmmm. Got me thinking. I don't know if it's crap sex. He makes sure I have an orgasm every time. He loves oral on me which is weird as he doesn't ever get any.

However he doesn't do multiple orgasm or hour long sessions. However, im not sure I'd want this. I like my 20 minute, orgasm and then sleep!

It's hard when I'm not unhappy with things to know he is going mad . It makes things seem unreasonable

Doesn’t sound like crap sex to me!

@NickiNackyDo why don’t you ever give your husband oral?

I wasn’t implying you were having crop sex, only that it might be a possibility. If you are happy with the quality that’s great.

sex is no different to let’s say food. If you dislike something ( for me it’s broccoli) then you won’t eat it and will look at alternatives , I guess the obvious example for sex is masturbation. ( this analogy sounded so much better in my head….)

Your hubby sounds like a good man, it’s awesome he’s not pressurising you and the fact that he wants more sex with you is totally a compliment.

@NickiNackyDo if it was the other way around, and he wasn’t bothered about sex with you, how would you feel?

As to oral i don't like taste or the thought of cum! Whilst he washes his bits in the shower (he says 'like a boys scout -always be ready' lol) it still has a taste to me so gave it up ages before marriage. He doesn't complain. From limited conversation with married friends blow jobs seem very much to be 'treats". Recognise this makes me sound shallow but don't like the thought so don't do it

Does anyone else do the open masturbation thing? He hasn't been sleeping recently (I asked why and it triggered the discussion). He says he just goes to sleep angry and rejected. He doesn't want to sneak a wank before bed in case it's lucky day . He said both the connection and the orgasm help him sleep

I’d be happy with it if I was in a sexy mood (in which case I’d join in) but if I just wanted to sleep or decompress then no I think it would be a bit weird. And I think I’d feel pressured to join in

As a man who has done a lot of work to find solutions I can tell from the discussion points your DH has too. I would hazard a guess that this has been eating him up inside whilst you were blissfully unaware as you had the life and sex you wanted.

Now you know he’s not happy it’s a case of what a you both do to fix it. You could do nothing you don’t owe him sex it’s your body your choice. It’s also his body his choice and he obviously see a healthy active sex life as a positive for himself and for your marriage.

if there is no compromise then it will only end up killing the love he has though resentment for all his best intentions. Also so many men post on here as moany entitled men complaining poor me she’s not putting out having done the subtotal of fuck all work on themselves or thier relationship. For once your guy sounds like he is committed to you and your family and has given you reasonable options.

There are things you could do to work on yourself and your relationship or you can just carry on the way you are which doesn’t sound great for either of you.

He sounds like a good guy the balls now in your court .

Less than ten times a year and no oral ever? It’s not surprising he’s frustrated. That’s not a healthy or satisfactory sex life for most red blooded men.

He sounds an even better guy than before. He only raised the subject because you asked him why he wasn't sleeping.

He's been going to bed feeling angry and rejected, and still hasn't raised it.

He's still hopeful that you'll have sex with him, even after feeling that way for such a while.

He's telling you he needs connection with you. He's telling you he wants to orgasm next to you, if he can't orgasm with you.

He gave up recieving blow jobs over 14 years ago because you don't like giving them. (They were never a "treat" in my 20 year marriage, I gave lots of them as he enjoyed them. His enjoyment made me enjoy all the more)

He still gives you oral though and doesn't refuse to give what you won't. He makes you orgasm every time.

He holds out for 20 minutes, although I suspect he'd love to cum quicker as he must be super sensitive and ready to blow after a 6 week-3 month wait.

And even now, he's only requesting that you book in once a month. What a guy!

Open masturbation was never a thing in my marriage, as we had lots of penetrative sex and everything that led up to it.

My boyfriend will occasionally at the end wank over my bum while I'm lying face down. He finds this view hot of me and can occasionally have ED.

My ex boyfriend used to wank lying next to me, but that would only be after a long session of sex, and we'd both be exhausted. No energy left for PIV. I'd really enjoy joining in to finish him off. Sometimes I just lay with my body pressed against his looking into his eyes. He really liked that my hands off approach.

Things will change now whether you like it or not, as he's raised it. It's up to you how you respond to his ongoing frustration in this area. My best advice to you is to not ignore what he's said. You have to address it and try to move forward together.

My best advice is try to be active in thinking of what might improve things, not passive. So try to raise the topic yourself in a conversation with him over the next few days, and reassure him that you are thinking of solutions and not just ignoring it.

Think through what sorts of things get you in the mood. Tell him if it is something that he could do better (wear nice clothes, spend more time just cuddling, whatever). Tell him you will try to make more time for things that might get you in the mood (reading some smutty novels, having 'me time', whatever).

Think about what might make oral sex manageable for you. Flavoured lube, or having a sweet/mint in your mouth. Tell him you are trying it, that you don't know if it will work, ask him to be patient. He will enormously appreciate the effort even if you have to abort after 2 minutes.

Whatever you do, don't just ignore it and let it continue lie at the bottom of your to-do list, unless you don't see a future in the marriage.

Someone will be along shortly to tell you that your DH is a pig (or worse) for trying to coerce you into having sex.

2. seems pretty reasonable to my. He gets a feeling of connection, you don't have to have sex.

A good compromise.

A lot more young men need to read mumsnet before committing to relationships. 😢

There’s a huge difference between trying to coerce someone into sex they don’t want (mumsnet is full of men and posts about men sulking, whining, pressuring, groping, and worse because they aren’t having the sex they want) and a person opening up a discussion.

one is not ok. One is

I think your husbands request to schedule sex is very reasonable. He sounds like he’s been very frustrated for a long time. It seems he goes to bed in the hope that you will have sex with him which is why he lays off masturbating. And he seems to be disappointed a lot of the time: If you do schedule sex you might actually start to look forward to it and as part of the reason you might not be into sex atm is that you feel like a mum rather that a sexual woman in your own right. It will give you a chance to maybe put some sexy lingerie on, spend the evening together unwinding and have a few glasses of wine. It will be so good for your husband too. He sounds very lovely tbh.
On the subject of bjs and having it as a “birthday treat” , it’s a really strange concept to me, My partner gets it every time unless we are so into piv and it’s so intense that we don’t get a chance. You shouldn’t do it if you don’t want to but iitd been a long time, I don’t think it’s going to hurt for you to try again. Going back to the broccoli analogy above, I didn’t like broccoli when I was young but I do now.
.I’ll prob get shot down in flames for this next comment but I’ve seen advice on other posts where women were not getting oral and it advise for them to stop performing it on their partner. That’s not my point here but your partner goes down on you and makes you come. He’s very giving, another thing is we all have a “taste” but in the heat of the moment, it’s a very small thing. Good luck, i hope things go well!

Mumsnet topics about relationships, marriage and sex should be a must read for every young adult male and female setting out on the journey of life!
These are life experiences which people can recognise and relate to either in their own lives or lives of others.
There is no better way to learn or unlearn than insights into whats happening or happened to other people. Perspective people will pick up common themes and crucially the take away lessons!

@ContinouslyLearning

There is every chance op DH could have read MN. Certainly think he’s read “mind the gap” or “come as you are” There is also “The dead bedroom fix” but I think there would have been other changes.

Sex is still an odd topic for some people to discuss with friends especially dare I say men. We seem to be ok taking about who is fit but a million miles from discussing ED or sexual insecurities. There’s a lot to lean from each other on here if you’re prepared to listen. Its certainly helped me and although some of this thread maybe a difficult read it will hopefully help op.

If my husband only wanted to have sex with me every 6-12 weeks, I'd be climbing the walls. It's not unreasonable or coercive for him to want to have sex with his wife, and he hasn't been pressuring you. I think if I were you, I would try to meet him halfway on this.

I think this has made me do a lot of thinking. I definitely spend much more time in 'mum mode' or work mode. These things don't make me feel sexy. I've also put a little weight on since children so feel frumpy even if I'm not. When we get away from the kids I do go back to my old self.

Sadly we don't have regular babysitting so doing a night away every month is unreasonable and impossible. I guess I'm going to need to look at this.

I'm just worried that sex genuinely isn't as important or desired as it once was for me.

He’s talking about it and offering solutions, they may not be ideal but it’s a massive start. Not talking about the infrequency of sex and how it makes you feel along with the feelings of rejection it can lead to are far more damaging to a relationship. Personally unsure about scheduling sex, part of the enjoyment is the spontaneity, as to masturbating next to you if you don’t want sex,why? surely it would heighten the feeling of rejection unless he’s hoping you would join in

A lot more young men need to read mumsnet before committing to relationships. 😢

The problem with this is it’s quite evident that men and women have very different views on what’s right and what’s wrong in a relationship, and that’s fine but as the board is predominantly female it can be a dangerous route to take.

I feel much safer commenting on the sex board than the relationship board as there seems to be a much more unhinged view on relationships here, and if I ever comment on the relationships board I’m often torn to shreds even if I think I’ve said nothing Wrong.

good luck OP, you have a good egg by the sounds of things so work together and not against each other.