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Original poster

God I’m so fed up with our lack of sex life. Is it ever ok to leave because of this?

31 replies

Fedup9 · 07/02/2025 22:18

NC for this one. I have been married to DH for 4 years, together for 12. We’ve been together since his first year of uni, but were friends before that. I have slept with a handful of people, DH was a virgin. We have a 3 year old DD.

Our sex has never been mind blowing, I have always initiated but over the last couple of years there’s been basically nothing. No sex, no intimacy, no cuddles on the sofa, no kisses because he thinks it’ll lead to sex and he just doesn’t want it. I’m 31, he’s 30. We do it maybe once every 3 months. He is adamant there’s no problem he just doesn’t have a sex drive. I think he’s just bored of me.

Tonight I was craving intimacy. I was laid next to him in bed and I tried to kiss him, and he told me I need to calm down ‘because I’m getting myself all worked up’. I just thought, that’s the bloody point 😔

We have a good marriage, DD is so young. Would I be selfish to leave over this? I feel like I am wasting my life on a sexless marriage and it’s soul destroying. When any man shows me any attention my heart beats in my ears. I would never cheat but god I miss it.

OP posts:

nwh · 07/02/2025 22:31

Breaking up because you are in a sexless marriage is ok, imo it’s part of a marriage, unless both partners agree it’s not.

id suggest you need to find a way to overcome within the marriage first, but if you can’t, you’re way too young to spend the rest of your life like this.

Isitsixoclockalready · 07/02/2025 22:36

nwh · 07/02/2025 22:31

Breaking up because you are in a sexless marriage is ok, imo it’s part of a marriage, unless both partners agree it’s not.

id suggest you need to find a way to overcome within the marriage first, but if you can’t, you’re way too young to spend the rest of your life like this.

Exactly this.

MayaPinion · 07/02/2025 23:03

This was me. Mine turned out to be gay. You don’t get married to have a housemate and it is normal to want to be in a relationship that makes you happy. You’re still young. Don’t spent the rest of your life like this. It’s soul destroying.

Namechangeforthe · 07/02/2025 23:06

It’s not a “good marriage” if you are not having sex and not happy with this

Saying “you need to calm down” is invalidating your feelings and is not acceptable. You have every right to desire intimacy. If he is not interested in looking for a solution together then you may need to accept you are not compatible

Ethylred · 08/02/2025 00:27

You don't have a good marriage. He's lost interest.

namechanged1010 · 08/02/2025 06:40

You have a good friendship, not a marriage. If at 31 he doesn’t have any desire, or doesn’t have desire for you, then you need to rapidly (and sadly) end the marriage as this will not get better. It will get worse as the resentment grows.

He needs to be honest with you. My DH even after several years of marriage would like it every day and never refuses if initiate

OneNavyOtter · 08/02/2025 07:30

My DH is similar.

I didn’t leave and now I’m 48 and wish I had. If the sex has never been right it’s probably never going to be. A sexless marriage is not fun if you’re the half that would love a fulfilling sex life! Breaking up a home is never easy but your DD is young enough to learn to live with her parents separately as the norm. You’re young enough to meet someone who is a better match. And your DH will have the chance to meet someone who’s a better match for him too.

If I could have my time again, I’d definitely have left before we had kids, because it was really obvious, with hindsight, we were never going to make each other happy physically. Or I’d have done it after the birth of my eldest, when I gave up asking for sex. For 9 years. 9 years! Don’t be me! It took me telling him I was going to leave before he agreed to have a sex life again. And it’s not great, I’m really aware that he’s only doing it because I want to. That’s not sexy!

If one of the people in a marriage wants an happy sex life, then sex is important.

Original poster

Fedup9 · 08/02/2025 08:40

Thank you everyone, this is really helpful. Things aren’t great this morning, I can feel the resentment I’m harbouring and he keeps asking why I’m snappy, as if last night didn’t happen.

@OneNavyOtter I wish I had been brave enough to leave before DD too. I feel a little bit trapped now. It just feels selfish leaving purely because of that, but I don’t want to get to a place where we’re arguing and DD picks up on it.

Sigh… I really didn’t think I’d be here at 31.

OP posts:

nwh · 08/02/2025 09:26

i run you need to have a conversation with him about why you’re snappy, as calmly as possible.

its completely ok for him not to want to have sex, buts it’s not ok for him to want to remain in a marriage where you have a reasonable expectation of sex. By this I mean unless understood going into the marriage that it’s not the case, it’s reasonable to think you’d have sex regularly in a marriage.

counselling would be the best step - jointly, to work through it.

leaving things and the resentment building will definitely work out in the long run

shortcakesnake · 08/02/2025 10:41

My DH went off sex in his mid 40's. A few years down the line he was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease and he was actually just really unwell and in pain a lot of the time but hadn't wanted to worry me.

Tristan5 · 08/02/2025 13:02

People very rarely lose interest in sex, but they do lose interest in sex with their partners.

This is just life, the way things are.

SkyGrant · 08/02/2025 13:25

Many marriages fail when there is no sex, it is just that is never admitted by either parties for obvious reasons.
They just simply leave because of no sex and find someone who is sexually compatible.

Gymbunny2025 · 08/02/2025 15:01

Tristan5 · 08/02/2025 13:02

People very rarely lose interest in sex, but they do lose interest in sex with their partners.

This is just life, the way things are.

This!!!!

Gymbunny2025 · 08/02/2025 15:02

I really don't understand why people suggest counselling in these situations. Surely it's obvious if someone wants or doesn't want sex with you. Make your decision on what is obvious.

smithey855 · 08/02/2025 15:48

Do you do your fair share of errands at home? Do you offer to help with dinner? Do the washing? How often do you hoover the house or help with kids ? or are all the household chores down to him?

if he isn’t getting any help from you it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to be intimate, all these things will be making him very tired.

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself…

Tristan5 · 08/02/2025 18:15

smithey855 · 08/02/2025 15:48

Do you do your fair share of errands at home? Do you offer to help with dinner? Do the washing? How often do you hoover the house or help with kids ? or are all the household chores down to him?

if he isn’t getting any help from you it’s no wonder he doesn’t want to be intimate, all these things will be making him very tired.

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself…

This made me laugh!!

nwh · 08/02/2025 18:24

Gymbunny2025 · 08/02/2025 15:02

I really don't understand why people suggest counselling in these situations. Surely it's obvious if someone wants or doesn't want sex with you. Make your decision on what is obvious.

OP has a 3 year old, it’s a huge step to end a marriage and the impact that will have on the whole family, and the OP.

The suggestion of a counsellor is to see if there’s anything that can be done before that step is taken.

I think it’s worth a try

Gymbunny2025 · 08/02/2025 18:29

I get it's always a huge step when kids are involved. I just don't think you can talk someone into actively wanting sex with you (when they are currently actively avoiding it). You may get them to say the right things or temporarily make an 'effort' to avoid a split though

Gymbunny2025 · 08/02/2025 18:34

I guess if it was simple things to rectify like @smithey855 was suggesting it could help. But with a guy he's either gay, physically not attracted to her (I'd say this is least likely if he's completely turning down all sex) or has a Madonna whore complex and is getting it elsewhere.

GarrynotsoGorilla · 08/02/2025 19:15

@Fedup9 I have a very very similar situation and completely understand how you feel. It feels selfish to want to break up a marriage over intimacy, but it is soul destroying if every time you try to show intimacy and affection it is rebuffed.

I assume you are otherwise happy with the other elements of your relationship? He is supportive and caring generally?

Oxforddictionary12 · 08/02/2025 19:36

Aw, I feel for you. It's not a nice position to be in. Sex has massively decreased and intimate gestures are not there.
If he is open to discussing it at some point that would be useful as you could get a feel for whether there there's enough to save the marriage and if he is willing to compromise.
I had a similar situation with an ex boyfriend. He eventually admitted he'd lost interest in me which hurt like hell at the time but it did allow me to date and meet my current husband who is a million timesnbetter for me. I'm not saying that's the case here but you'll never know for sure unless you can get him to open up a bit.
At the moment it seems all you have is a friendship, albeit with a child to care for. You are very young to be trapped in a sexless marriage and deserve to find someone who can make you deliriously happy.

smithey855 · 08/02/2025 23:19

On a serious note, I can’t imagine any fit and healthy heterosexual male turning down sex in a monogamous relationship at 40 years old.

I would be questioning his sexuality and any underlying health conditions that would lead tonhim
not wanting sex with you : other women.

as a 40 year old male myself i couldn’t gin a week without any intimacy in a healthy relationship so I would be questioning both his sexuality and other factors

Wherearemymarbles · 08/02/2025 23:22

Realistically there are 3 possibilities

He is gay
He is asexual
He doesnt find you sexually attractive

None of those are easy to admit to someone, especially 1 and 3

It wont change so you’d be very sensible to leave

ConstanceM · 08/02/2025 23:32

MN acolytes advise the obvious; throw him back, he won't change blah blah blah etc
The mature advice would be;
-Is it medical? ED?
-Is he suffering from depression, low self esteem, is work bothering him?

Marriage counseling maybe

The idea of just ENDING it is ridiculous -You have to fight to give him a chance to change.

Then, you can consider the nuclear option when all others have been exhausted. Until then

Good luck

ConstanceM · 08/02/2025 23:35

Gymbunny2025 · 08/02/2025 15:02

I really don't understand why people suggest counselling in these situations. Surely it's obvious if someone wants or doesn't want sex with you. Make your decision on what is obvious.

Grow up. You don't end a marriage because of lack of Sex. You adopt a mature approach and try all the things suggested FIRST!
Are you 18 or something

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