God I’m so fed up with our lack of sex life. Is it ever ok to leave because of this?

[Fedup9]

NC for this one. I have been married to DH for 4 years, together for 12. We’ve been together since his first year of uni, but were friends before that. I have slept with a handful of people, DH was a virgin. We have a 3 year old DD.

Our sex has never been mind blowing, I have always initiated but over the last couple of years there’s been basically nothing. No sex, no intimacy, no cuddles on the sofa, no kisses because he thinks it’ll lead to sex and he just doesn’t want it. I’m 31, he’s 30. We do it maybe once every 3 months. He is adamant there’s no problem he just doesn’t have a sex drive. I think he’s just bored of me.

Tonight I was craving intimacy. I was laid next to him in bed and I tried to kiss him, and he told me I need to calm down ‘because I’m getting myself all worked up’. I just thought, that’s the bloody point 😔

We have a good marriage, DD is so young. Would I be selfish to leave over this? I feel like I am wasting my life on a sexless marriage and it’s soul destroying. When any man shows me any attention my heart beats in my ears. I would never cheat but god I miss it.

I didn't say I necessarily would end a marriage based on lack of sex. I said my decisions would be based on his obvious lack of desire for sex (with me). Whatever he said in discussion/counselling etc... that he's tired/depressed/low confidence.... I would go by his actions rather than his words. But what I decided to do about it would be based on more than the sex. However I wouldn't decide to be celibate for the rest of my life just because the man I married was probably gay!

It does amaze me that on this topic of sexless relationships very rarely mention is low testosterone. Testosterone is the hormone that affects both men and women’s libido. Might be worth getting that checked. It can be easily remedied too.

I think you need to have an adult grown up conversation regarding how sexually frustrated you are how this is having an adverse affect on your marriage , they call it making love for a reason ! .
I would want to know if he is masturbating .
And agree a reasonable frequency you make love , if he is unable to change or more importantly doesn’t want to then you are probably looking at the end of the marriage, 31 in a sexless marriage is debilitating and frankly unkind .
You deserve better than that .

Op the lack of sex is one thing. The communication is another. Has he actually explained why he doesn't want sex? Have you explained how hurtful it is when he rebuffs you or how sexually frustrated you feel?

The first step is a very honest chat, in a calm way when you have no distractions. Tell him you're unhappy. If he still doesn't care then you have a serious problem in your marriage.

It always astounds me when people jump to “He’s probably gay”! There’s a whole host of reasons why a man might not want to have sex. Do we assume that all women who no longer desire their husband are lesbians?!

OP, you need to arrange a time when your DC isn’t around to have a very frank discussion about what’s going on. Not an accusatory “Why don’t you want me?” but more like “Is it important to you that we get to spend time being intimate?”

I’d really recommend that you and DH watch some of Ester Perrell’s videos on YouTube. She has a very good understanding of lack of libido in long term relationships and how to improve your sex life as a couple.

I do get what you're saying @PinotPony but this is a couple who got together at uni, and were child free throughout most of their 20s. And yet there's always been issues with their sex life and she always had to initiate... whether he's gay or not I'm really not sure he is going to (or capable of) change personally