'Hookup' question - safety

[Panci]

I am a 58 female. I have been single for 5 years, and not had sex for a long time before that. I have had no joy in meeting someone, OLD has been awful. What I have noticed though is how many younger men seek out the older woman. Whilst I'd never entertained the thought of ONS before now, I am so fed up with trying and failing to meet someone, and I so need some excitement/adventure (ok, sex!) in my life, I have begun to entertain the idea of meeting up with someone younger, able and willing! However, my concern is safety - if you do meet up with someone for a 'hookup' how can you be sure they are not an axe murderer?? Or even, how can you be sure they wont pressure/force you into stuff you don't want to do, given the expectation is sex? Where do you meet? Is it like a date initially until both are happy? I have no idea how it all works, so any advice very welcome!

Lots of weeding out the dross. Phone calls. Daytime meets. Pertinent questions.
If you've waited this long surely a few extra weeks won't make much difference whilst you find the right one to feel safe with.

I think after the recent convictions of the men from Grindr meeting for hookups then taking them hostage and robbing them (may not be 💯 accurate that's just as I recall from the news) anyone would be crazy to just meet for sex these days.

Even for casual sex you can still date in public/do internet sleuthing/take your time until you feel ready. I personally would absolutely not invite anyone to my house that I wasn't serious about either.

Have fun 😉 but no rush?

@mrandmrsrobinson Definitely not planning on rushing...I guess i just dont know what expectations the men will have in terms of checking eachother out, what is reasonable hesitation etc, and what is me being too cautious (maybe this whole thing isnt for me, I dont know yet!)

@Gymbunny2025 Not inviting anyone to my home, I promise!!

At the end of the day it probably comes down to gut feeling or intuition. If it doesn't feel right then it probably isn't.

I did a lot of this in 2019. I took some really dumb risks in hindsight. All was well, never had any issues. But a couple of times I did walk away truly amazed at the risks I had taken.

What I did was message for a varying period of time - sometimes not very long - and then meet them at hotels. I only once went for a date first. I took a rape alarm and reasoned that there is always someone around at a hotel.

If there was even the slightest hint of anger in their profile or messages, I dropped them, and that includes those profiles that said 'is there anyone real on here' or 'no timewasters'. I chatted to a lot of fun, goofy and sexy people. I had some great sex.

I don't recommend what I did. But I had minimal free time and wasn't interested in dates or friendship, though I love the conversations you have with people when you're both naked. Have a think about what you really want.

@PermanentTemporary Thanks, thats really helpful x

Phone call/ video call first. Agree condoms and any boundaries in advance. Neither of you to be drunk / high.

Meet in a hotel that has a bar. You book the room, (that way you know there are no hidden cameras or weird shit hidden in the room by him ahead of time). Don't give away your room number until you have met in person and had a chat and decided to go through with it.

Have a trusted friend that you message at agreed points in the evening. Explain to your meet up that they won't be sleeping over and they are expected leave once you're both satisfied.

Oh yes I forgot to say condoms! Always take some, you'd be amazed (or not) by how many men 'forget'. And I took lube because it makes things better, though mostly the people I met knew what they were doing.

I’m in a similar position to you lost my wife last year. I spend my time during the day going to the gym and the evenings searching the internet. The Internet is a nightmare weeding out the wheat from the chaff.

I have a friend who has suffered two rapes from going home with men she's only met once. Neither of them wore a badge or gave any clue that they were going to turn aggressive as soon as they got her past their front door. You can never be 100% sure, but it is a real risk for any woman, especially if they're only out for sex. Would you consider looking into a male escort? Although you'd have to pay, you'd be getting the service you're after (no pun intended!) without the same degree of risk.

Have you dismissed the idea of being with a younger man? I am with someone who is 12 years younger than me (I'm 52) and we don't notice the age difference on a day to day basis.

I agree with jubs15. I’ve been writing to a lady not far from me but I’m very nervous about meeting her. so tend to keep messaging for safety. I have proposed that we meet in a local coffee bar. Interesting comment about her having a partner younger than her. I’ve written to ladies who’s age difference is similar. Had no responses, the only ones who respond tend to be around my age (73).

The encounters I had after extended messaging were the least successful tbh - we got embroiled in fantasies and there started to be an emotional element which couldn't survive meeting the real person.

On the other hand, I learned that the most successful encounters were with people who were good with words on messaging. Not necessarily perfect but decent literacy, evidence of a bit of thought and personality, no porn clichés. Good looking but unimaginative were the worst.

Do you mean you are worried a lady in her 70s might rape you? WTAF? The post was about the very real threat of sexual violence women face.

No ladies in their seventies are not into that. I was agreeing with the danger element and trust, you don’t know what kind of a person you will meet from messaging. I was also commenting on Jubs15 comment about older women attracting younger men.

In terms of hotel dates (expensive!) I assumed these guys on OLD are just after a Netflix and chill evening?! That's what friends tell me anyway. About as low effort as it gets.

Why is it dangerous to meet someone in a public place for a coffee? Much more dangerous to chat for ages with someone you may not click with imho!

‘do meet up with someone for a 'hookup' how can you be sure they are not an axe murderer?? Or even, how can you be sure they wont pressure/force you into stuff you don't want to do, given the expectation is sex?’

You can never be certain of those things whether its a relationship or just a hook up. All you can to is try your best to be safe. There are a lot of scare stories out there but I’ve never had any problems. All of the a-holes Ive had to deal with have all been in relationships.

What are you planning? Are you planning to meet someone in your area or to travel further away?

A few basic safety tips I would suggest would be:

• Talk to them thoroughly before hand. Have at least one phone/video call first. Video call is better.
• Agree on protection and sexual boundaries before you agree to meet them. Talk about sexual interests and make sure you are both compatible.
• Meet in a public place such as hotel bar or train station and make sure you are comfortable with them before being in a situation where you are alone such as in a hotel room or car.
• Neither let yourself be too drunk.

If something does feel right at the time done be afraid to call it off before you go somewhere alone with them.

@Gymbunny2025 when I was doing it I was on a hookup site, not a dating site. I was interested in sex and nothing else. I wouldn't call it low effort personally - low effort compared with what? - just a cross between a need and a hobby. Some really surprising people are absolutely brilliant at sex, it's a talent.

I've had hookups too. The low effort comment was regarding a man not wanting a social meet first. Or often even travelling anywhere. Just wanted a Netflix and chill at his house. Deliveroo sex 😂

Thanks for all the messages. I guess my next question is, how do I find someone for a liason? Given the disaster OLD has been so far Im not sure how to even find a ONS!

Which sites have you tried?

I used adultfriendfinder and fabswingers. It takes a fair amount of time to wade through all the options. I would say in general be very, very, VERY picky.

@PermanentTemporary I have only tried match.com, and our time, been trying for a relationship til now

Well that's fine. I met dp on ourtime.

Going for hookups is a bit different. Maybe tinder?

I’ve used fabswingers for years. I’ve tried others but I always keep coming back to it.
Whichever site you use your going to have to wade through a lot of mismatches and timewasters. Just be honest and upfront about what you’re looking for.

Go on hinge. And bumble.

Do not distress yourself for even one nanosecond with Our Time. This is a horrific notion and you may as well be measured for your coffin at the same time, perhaps you would get a brand partner discount. ..

Young guys are nice. They are not scary. Imo.