Open Relationships

[Aishabibi]

First time posting on here, a bit nervous so please be gentle with me. I’d also appreciate if men don’t PM me please.

Essentially, I have not had sex with my husband for 3 years. I am pretty sexually charged at moment, thanks hormones, and NYE I thought I’d give one last go getting my husband interested…. Lingerie, and an offer of oral sex… but he made it clear that he didn’t find me attractive in that way anymore. Pretty crushing. He wants the marriage, kids, and family life but he says he doesn’t really work like that down below. I asked about masturbation and porn and he says it’s once a month at most, and he has lost that urge. However, he did suggest I take a lover to satisfy my more physical needs and he’d be happy with that but he’d rather not know.

i know some here have that kind of relationship and I’ve read here about Fab and other websites, but I’d hate a series of ONS I think. So a FWB type thing would be my ideal, but how do ladies prevent catching feelings? I’m worried I would if I was intimate with another man…I have only been intimate with 4 men, each in a loving relationship… or is that part of it? Any advice appreciated.

I think you have to set out what you want in your mind, before you do anything. If it's just to scratch that sexual itch and not to break up your marriage, then stick to that. 99% of men on these sites won't be looking for anything more than sex and a massive chunk of them will be married already. So getting feelings for any of them would be a massive mistake.

I personally wouldn't go straight into full sex. Try cybersex. It might be enough. My partner does cyber with guys online as her sex drive is simply higher than mine.

Thanks @FancyExpert

where does she do cyber, I’ve not heard of that as an option? Does she watch men and masturbate or just flirt and send nudes? I’m not sure that’s what I would want but I’ll research it. Can you tell me places to look.

in terms of what I want, I do want sex. The physical sensations, the pleasure of orgasm, the tension and feel of someone else. However, I don’t think I could just have sex and that be it. Hence I think I need a connection and friendship… but without home breaking feelings.

Try sites like chaturbate and filter for what you want.

Is that cyber stuff @Numberwangggg? Do people just masturbate to strangers? Can you watch without joining in? Genuinely curious even though I’m certain that is not what I am looking for

She's been indulging in that sort of thing since lockdown. She uses Facebook Dating and then swaps numbers and takes it onto WhatsApp. There's some nude picture swapping and phone sex etc. It keeps her going sexually and made our sex life better.

Thanks @FancyExpert . That might work for me.
@Numberwangggg i had a brief look at that site, not for me I don’t think.

I have met a couple of people from Fabswingers and Reddit that I had cybersex with, however I had to sort through a LOT of crap to find them, and they were relatively short lived unfortunately.

I tend to use Telegram for cyber fun as you don't need to share a phone number like you do with Whatsapp so its a little more confidential.

I also won't send my face in any pics or videos, but will do on a video call if we are both doing so and we have called before.

With cyber you can do as much or as little as you both want, some people like showing off/being watched, others like to watch and sometimes its both at the same time. Sometimes its good to build up with messages/pics before a pre-arranged call, and occasionally it might just be a spur of the moment "are you free for a quick call" type of message which results in a short notice video call if we are lucky.

I personally really enjoy cyber fun, and it certainly scratches an itch for me, but it is not everyone's thing.

Good luck!

Cybersex is a good compromise. It'll allow you to indulge sexually without upsetting the applecart at home. You can also take it to a level comfortable for you and you have complete control of it.

I am really sorry your husband feels this way. Will he also seek to have sex with someone else. This is really hard especially if you desire your husband but at least you have a pass!

If you google Intimacy Matters they specialise in intimate massage once you have received a massage they hold intimate social events with people known to them and vetted , this is a far better and safer option .
Hope this helps

POF either the regular version or the naughty version

Thanks for the suggestions for where to look, I have read through here so was aware of most of these sites. How on earth do you find cyber partners on Reddit, that’s a new one for me @MySXforumnn?

Cyber might be an option as it would avoid the feelings part I’m worried about. Has anyone got any tips on how you can have a friendship and sexual relationships without strong feelings developing.

@AnonAnonmystery It is a shame he feels like this. He is so good in every other way, I do love him, but I’m finding the lack of sex hard to deal with. We are open and talk, but he simply seems to have lost desire even for masturbation. He said that he wasn’t interested in seeking someone too, and was ok if I did so long as it didn’t end the marriage

@Aishabibi has he had a health check to test his testosterone levels? I’ve read many a thread like this and sometimes it’s down to his hormones and he can get meds.., maybe worth a try but I understand you are sexually frustrsted ( and rightly so!).

Try this thread for ideas

I'd also add that it would be wise to have a much fuller conversation with your husband before you embark on looking for a FWB.

Cover what he does/doesn't want to know in detail.

E.g. does he want you to say you're meeting a friend or going out for drinks with the girls? Lying to him might/might not be a big deal. Will you do overnights/weekends away/going out on dates with the FWB? Or just fucking? Will FWB be allowed at yours if husband is away?

It's all these little things that could cause a big deal in the future, so it's best to get it ironed out now if you can preempt.

Edit: Cybersex does absolutely nothing for me either. I can't get hot via a screen.

There are reddits for people that are looking to chat and so on, but you do have to wade through a lot of people just pushing their Only Fans links. I was very lucky to meet who I did.

I think the feelings one is very difficult to answer, and will be different for everyone. Some people can have sex without feelings/love/emotions, some people will need to have some attachment, but are able to compartmentalise things. Sometimes you don't intend to have any feelings at all but you meet someone and it just happens, which is when affairs (as opposed to FWB which some people will see as one and the same) happen and things get complicated, to put it mildly.

Your husband giving you permission is a good start, but only you can answer how you deal with the emotional side of things.

It's a difficult one that he has lost his sexdrive but like a previous poster said, it worth getting himself checked out medically.

But in all this, openess and communication is the key. Be honest with what you want. Do go behind his back. He knows his lack of sexdrive is a problem for you.

In regards to friendship, my partner has become friends with one of her online buddies and has been since 2023. They cyber once or twice a week and also chat about other things. He lives in Kent, has two daughters at Uni and is 55ish. If she wanted sex with him, I'd give her permission but she hasn't intimated that yet.

"Catching feelings" (I love that phrase) is the big "deal breaker" for fwb @Aishabibi, and my experience is you don't know it's happening till it's happening......you're talking about cyber chat so in a way, you're not having to deal with "in real life" feelings, so perhaps it's easier to compartmentalise and accept with that choice.

As others have said, you do have to be disciplined in fwb for them to fulfil each other's goals..... I've ended two over the last decade because I saw them developing feelings, and for both our sakes, I ended it. I'm M but I actually think F are just as good at "compartmentalising" ..... fwb are not for everyone who's looking in that direction......you're doing the right thing and not exposing yourself to that particular emotional risk.

You can start with the best of intentions but if you meet someone nice, have great sex and a connection it's hard not to want to chat to them more, and affection/ romance / feelings can start and it all feels too nice to want to distance yourself from them, it's so easy to stray from just fwb / sex.

Meeting someone who also has a permanent partner at home and looking for someone experienced with fwb might be some protection but there really is no way to be sure this won't change your relationship irreparably.

I hate to say it but the chances of the relationship surviving if you’re having sex with others is very slim. I’m really sorry for your situation but sex with no complications isn’t likely - suppose you get a fabulous long term lover. Your DH will then just seem like a drag and an inconvenience- and will be really be happy with all your thoughts, emotions etc elsewhere?

I have had cybersex partners that tended to last for about three to six months.
Both were married women who had high sex drives and their husbands were no longer interested in them that way. Life, age, kids, hobbies and exhaustion had all taken their toll.
I've always enjoyed reading about, and talking about sex. My wife has always been much shyer, and won't really engage in discussion unless some amount of alcohol is involved somehow. Whereas I just think sex is fun and should be approached that way.
Both women I met on here. I chatted to about ten woman to start with or so but things progressed mostly with these two. We had a lot more in common and both sides found it easier to discuss both how sex evolved over time, through to marriage and kids, but also sexual fantasy and what we wished we had - or sometimes had not - had done. Some of it was eye opening and I did wonder what I had been doing with my life at times!
Both began as some messaging on here, but then also using WhatsApp and also Telegram. I had heard of one but not the other.
Looking back it was not always sexual discussion - it was quite funny really and more of finding a friend to talk to with similar interests.
So I would recommend giving it a try if you are interested. I did not try Fab despite reading a lot about it.
One of the women was meeting men she chatted to on Reddit. She would meet for coffee first off. Some of that was pretty hilarious as well - the state of some of the men turning up to meet her was - well, she did not know whether to laugh or cry really! Bravo to her for trying though!
The other woman was a successful career woman. She really did have it all, but for some reason her husband wasnt interested. She had been approached at a work function and was in a quandary as whether or not to pursue it or not. We chatted for a good few months. I wish I had kept her number as I do wonder if she managed to resolve her problem over the past year.
A lot is said about the danger of the net - but sometimes I find talking to a stranger can be both rewarding and have a positive effect. I was certainly very surprised.

Thanks for the messages. He has had medical tests but they have found nothing wrong. He can still get erections and masturbate, but he says those occasions are rare. He thinks 3 times in the last year. He is older than me, and he says he’s just not interested anymore in sex at all.

the feelings worry me about going with someone new and I know someone said the chances of survival are slim if I do, but the marriage will end if I don’t get some physical sex anyway. I’ve chatted more about this with my husband today, he’s completely ok with it and agreed he’d rather think I was with friends and he doesn’t want details.

Go onto a site like POF

Don't put a photo on, don't put a profile except probably "just looking" and have a peruse. You'll be able to tell from the bio's what guys are looking for and you can do it anonymously. Therefore keeping control. Block any pests or anyone you feel uncomfortable with. It's a free site, you can change your profile or even delete the account if it's too much.

It will give you an insight about how you feel moving outside of the marriage.

If you do connect by chance and go to the phone you can always hang up and block the person if it isn't going the way you intended or wanted.

It may scratch the itch for a little while whilst you research other avenues. Who knows!

Good luck .

My partner isn't interested in sex anymore, it would be so bad if there was some intimacy but there isn't and made clear there never will be.

I think about sex and relationships with other men since i, like you, was given "permission" not yet tried meeting anyone, maybe i wont but a sexless relationship is usually a dead relationship.

So its defo time to move on, i don't think i could have sex with someone and not have some attraction for them, meaning i then go back to my partner, thinking of someone else.

This cannot work for me.

Has he had his testosterone levels checked. It’s a very misunderstood area for men’s health and is only starting to catch on in U.K. I suspect he has low levels. The blood test is usually a range of like 9-27, it’s not uncommon to be around 10 and told your normal which is not correct advice in terms of modern knowledge on subject.

I hope you both find happiness but moving on might be the best way