Extramarital sex, have you or would you?

[ibegyounotto]

There always appears to be a lot of mentions of extramarital sex on this forum for one reason or another. I'm curious how common it is.
Apologies, I'm sure this gets asked regularly but I haven't been able to find a previous poll here.

I have once - as a result of this forum but I won’t expand on those details.

Never told DH.

I don’t think I’d do it again. I say “think” because I honestly never thought I’d do it at all. Always judged cheaters in the past.

Anyone is capable of it.

Yes I did, we were both very fed up with jobs, and life was so tedious. Someone wanted me, we carried on for months then reverted to doing the right thing.
Been together for years, and it has never been mentioned.
Not proud of that but it happened, can only mention it here because it is anonymous.
Don't do it. Usually it is far more messy.

Do you think anyone is capable of it regardless of how fulfilling and solid their relationship is? Is the thrill of someone new just too difficult to resist?

Or would you say that every relationship has its ups and downs and so there's always going to be moments of weakness? It's just a matter of one of those moments coinciding with an attractive stranger making advances?

I never thought I would during my marriage, despite my husband cheating on me repeatedly.

I had a thing with a friend right at the end of my marriage... We met in a hotel and got waist up naked. COVID stopped us meeting for more.

My marriage had ended by the time my friend and I started dating. Hindsight has shown me that subconsciously I knew my marriage was over, hence the fumble with the friend whilst married.

Yes, both my wife and I often have sex with others, with each others full consent.

We never call it an affair and we never have any jealousy.

I would never have looked elsewhere if my relationship was good.

I think the circumstances have to be “right” (or wrong!). I don’t think there’s many people that stray just because of opportunity or for the thrill of it. I’m sure they exist but for the vast majority, there’s something not working in the primary relationship, some level of discontentment.

My husband and I have had some very interesting conversations about this, and we’re totally on the same page. I’ve got a ‘one-night pass,’ as long as I give him the heads-up and we both agree beforehand. We haven’t used it yet, but trust me, we’re both very intrigued by the idea and can’t wait to see how it plays out!

Been with DH since I was 17, never done this. Most everyone we know is married longterm and do not sleep around

That you know of.

There's a difference between consensual and cheating.

I got contacted by a lady on here, who as chance would have it, lived about 20 mins away. We met for a Starbucks.

She was dissatisfied with her sex life. She was looking for an outlet. Behind her husband's back. I don't think she knew the carnage that it could have led to.

We never took things further.

Without being judgemental, there are 'sex people' for whom having sex is similar to playing cards or tennis where like-minded folks get together to spend some hours together, others, intentionally or otherwise are incapable of being intimate without becoming deeply emotionally involved.
Unless you are confident of both your own and the other person's position, you will be very lucky to avoid a disaster of one kind or another.
A friend who made the most of a very active and energetic single life was completely unfazed by a fleeting sex-partner telling him that they'd had sex with his brother earlier in the day, others are crushed by a lack of emotional availability and intimacy.
Cheater's remorse after a furtive relationship that ended on unsatisfactory terms that you're unable to share with anyone is a heartache most can do without.

I have made the mistake, not full sex, but very intense intimate contact while married. Never thought I would, was madly in love with my wife, and still am. Just felt very abandoned at the time and needed a shoulder to cry on initially and started conversing, I enjoyed the feeling of being wanted and eventually that led to physical contact. Though the conversations and controlling remotely womens toys was clearly cheating. Far from proud of what i did, however communication had broken down in the relationship, despite my efforts. It still is far from perfect, but I also know that those actions will only make it worse. There is a lot of judgement here. Honestly I think these people either lack emotions or are lucky enough to be very emotionally content in themselves, which i genuinely believe is a rarity.

That you know of

I agree if you are in a relationship that meets all your needs you don't do it. It's too easy to call someone a coward for not leaving because some people end up vulnerable and don't think they want to end the relationship or realise how unhappy they are.

I don't think many people get married and intend to be unfaithful. For sure some don't care, but not many.

I did it and l would never do it again. I am single now and there are a few married men who have hinted but it's never going to happen.

Exactly- hardly going to be advertising it are they. Sometimes the men know anyway, they brag about it.

No, I think that's a nonsensical idea, that if your relationship was fulfilling and solid that somehow you'd find someone else irresistible. No.

And I also don't think there are moments of weakness, not when you love someone and it's generally an ok marriage.

I think when someone is unfaithful, it is because there is something seriously lacking in their relationship, or some serious weakness/self-doubt/doubts. Combine this with a predatory stranger and hey presto.

Yougov did some research on the prevalence of affairs.
1 in 5 British adults say they've had an affair

So, 20%. Men are very slightly more likely to have had one than women, but there's not much in it. Certainly not enough to justify the belief that men will take every opportunity they can get.

I’m a mid 30’s married female. I love my husband but our sex life is boring in the extreme.

im cabin crew which means i have lots of opportunities in hotels etc, i cheat regularly, i have regular fwb and i meet for one offs. Im not ashamed and have no regrets, i easily pass for 10 years younger looks wise, still have my figure and get a lot of male attention without particularly looking for it. If it feels right I’ll play around. No emotions are involved, ever, it’s just sex and whilst I’m not proud of it I’m certainly not regretting ever having done it either

Can you imagine if your married sex life was exciting that you'd stay faithful? Or is the level of attention you're subjected to and number of opportunities too tempting?
Your husband must be at least somewhat aware of the attention you must get, does he ever discuss it with you? Does he have complete trust in you? Or do you think he'd rather not think about it and stay in ignorant bliss?
Do you know if many married woman in your line of work have similar situations?

I doubt I would if I’m honest because I’ve never been monogamous but at least if my husband was exciting I’d be less actively looking.

he knows men find me attractive but I think he genuinely believes in faithful.

lots of my colleagues who are married cheat when away, some are totally faithful and use hotel time to rest, explore etc, but a sizeable % use the opportunity for sex, either with other crew or guys they get to know locally if they visit that place often. For example I have a ‘go to’ guy in one specific city, I meet him if I’m there because he treats me amazingly, spends £££ on me, and is genuinely very attractive and more than capable, many of my colleagues have similair experiences

I have. I never thought I would and I’m not proud of it but it happened.
I had a fling with a guy from work a few years ago. I wasn’t deeply unhappy or actively looking for anything. It just happened. I think anyone is capable of it if the right circumstances line up.

No one ever thinks they would until suddenly they are. I always looked down on people who did this until I found myself in the that position. Since then I’ve come to learn how common it is.

I am pushing 50 and my husband simply doesn't fancy me anymore. My marriage is completely without physical affection. I don't remember the last time we had sex. If someone gave me so much as a second glance, I'd have my knickers off like a shot. And I wouldn't feel an ounce of regret. It's a terrible thing, to feel unlovable.

I haven't had extramarital sex but as someone in a sexless marriage, I think about it quite often. I've had a few sexting exchanges with men online and enjoyed them, but nothing in real life so far. The only reason I haven't is that I'm worried about being safe with a man I don't know very well. I don't think I would feel any regrets if I actually did have sex with another man.

@thicklysettled in exactly the same situation as you, and completely understand how awful it is to feel unwanted and not desirable. When your partner won't talk about or address the issues with you either it is crippling.