Extramarital sex, have you or would you?

[ibegyounotto]

There always appears to be a lot of mentions of extramarital sex on this forum for one reason or another. I'm curious how common it is.
Apologies, I'm sure this gets asked regularly but I haven't been able to find a previous poll here.

Not commenting on the rights and wrongs but no one actually looks 10 years younger at mid 30s.

Mid 20s are VERY young looking.
They barely look out if their teens

Haha ok

@valentinka31

No, I think that's a nonsensical idea, that if your relationship was fulfilling and solid that somehow you'd find someone else irresistible. No.

And I also don't think there are moments of weakness, not when you love someone and it's generally an ok marriage.

I think when someone is unfaithful, it is because there is something seriously lacking in their relationship, or some serious weakness/self-doubt/doubts. Combine this with a predatory stranger and hey presto.
In think you underestimate the degree of feelings and physical attraction that can develop when people spend a lot of time together.
We very often spend far more hours of a week with work colleagues than we do our partners.

I think being deluded and believing it is less easy than it is for decent happy people to have affairs does nothing other than predispose you to finding yourself on one end of an affair

Why do you not separate?

People on MN are often so desperately scathing and spew vitriol on people regarding affairs.

Everyone in life is dishonest. No one is pure and honest 100% of the time.

People do all manner of things that are deceitful, self serving, dishonest and morally questionable be-it keeping money they have found, not telling the truth to their boss, embellishing their CVs, spending more on themselves out of the joint account than they admit to their partners, driving slightly over the limit, Driving having had alcohol, taking recreational drugs, hiding gambling habits, watching the game when they were supposed to be watching the toddler ....
some of these things constitute legal and risk to life yet people on MN save their most vitriolic comments for affairs.

It's abundantly clear why.

Fear

Because we have three children, one of whom is still in primary school, and one with mental health challenges. I don't think that blowing up their lives would help.

I think there are more people in sexless marriages who stay for kids than other people realise. Like @thicklysettled im in one, but M… not cheated but if I had consent or 100 % safe I would because I miss intimacy a lot

I have too. Also as a result of this forum.

I got together with DH when I was very young so both very inexperienced.

I have never cheated in the 25+ years we've been together but as I got older, I became more curious what sex with other people would be like. DH's sex drive dwindled as mine skyrocketed. I'd tried to talk to him about it but he would always get angry and defensive.

And so yes, I had a fling with a very experienced man to scratch the itch. It was purely sex-based and opened my eyes.
I don't regret the sex but not sure I'd do it again as the risks aren't worth it.

Sex in our relationship.has petered out.

When I bring it up, there always ends up being a reason 'too tired" is the classic. I've given up suggesting it now.

I took part in the sex chat thread a while back, had some normal chats with some woman and after we got to know each other some chats got more sexual but we never met. They've all petered out now but it was refreshing being sexual with someone again, even if it was just online.

I don't know if I would have ever met anyone, but if someone in my life showed and interest and I thought I could get away with it I suspect I would say yes.

If you've never been monogamous, why did you bother even getting married? Serious question.

People always use kids as the excuse to stay, but what they don't realise is kids KNOW when their mother isn't happy. They would be a lot happier and settled if you were genuinely happy. A happy mother = happier (and more stable) kids.

I do love him and I suppose I thought something would change, I don’t regret getting married I just regret how boring the sex is

I would never cheat, been with my OH 28 years. Had the opportunity but respect and prioritise my relationship. Certainly been through tough times but have enough self esteem not to need attention from elsewhere.

@IdylicDay obviously we all know our own kids best but (discounting any abuse) mine wouldn't give a monkeys about whether or not their parents have a great sex life. What is important to them is a stable home, both parents present, not being forced to move (potentially leaving school/friends), not having to split their lives between 2, not being financially worse off and not having strangers/step parents etc being forced upon them.

So I absolutely do believe that a lot of people stay in not amazing marriages to prioritise their children.

You're misunderstanding me. I am talking about the ones who are miserable. Not about sex only of itself.

I agree.

Most, if not all, people are dishonest in all sorts of ways. I can never understand why someone can be so vitriolic about an affair while happily trying to cheat the taxman or claim expenses at work that they are not entitled to, for example.

I'm curious as to your conclusion of fear.
Fear of what?

But most marriages/long term relationships aren't miserable.

They might not be happy but they haven't descended to misery.
If sex is the only thing missing in an otherwise acceptable relationship then it's totally understandable that someone doesn't want to break up the family unit for that reason alone.

I'm not saying that's a good or bad thing, just saying it's understandable.

Exactly @Thorninhisside

I can understand and in some ways respect @Gem359 's assertion that they'd never cheat.
I have some difficulty however understanding the link with "self esteem" and "not needing attention from elsewhere."
Is that your assertion, that those who cheat are lacking in self esteem?

I know that this is a sex forum and as such the people reading and posting here probably rate sex quite highly in their priorities, but I'm still slightly surprised that less than a quarter of respondents have categorically ruled out extramarital sex.

Should I be surprised that almost 40% have been unfaithful, with or without their partner's consent?
No, I don't think so.

Sorry, but I think "happy mother = happy kids" is often an absolute nonsense. My kids are happiest with two parents present in the family home. They have absolutely no knowledge of our sex life (or lack thereof) and, I'd wager, no interest whatsoever.

When my youngest goes to college I'll be reassessing things for sure, but the prospect of moving house/schools/figuring out parenting time, etc. does nothing but add stress. I would never put that on them and justify it by "well I'm happy so they're happy."

Is it infidelity if your partner consents? I know that's a tricky area but it seems very different to going behind one's partner's back.

That takes the unfaithfulness percentage down to 29 with a further 14% who I guess aren't actually looking for an affair so it's all theoretical.

So, that's 61% who are faithful in some sense, and that's among people who probably have a higher than average sex drive. It shows to me that people do regard loyalty as important.