Asking OH to do things in bed they say they don't really enjoy

[Becx1994]

Hi
Just wondering what people's thoughts are
Hubby and I havehad a pretty fulfilling sex life over the years - albeit a bit vanilla perhaps
Recently I wanted to spice things up a bit but hubby says he isn't really interested as "It's not really his thing"
Should I give up or try and force him to experiment ?
Is it unfair to ask your partner to do something just for the other's enjoyment ?

Hi Becx,

I've been through this before and my personal take on it is that sex is a two way street and why would you not want to make your OH happy?

Its fine to ask and but also equally valid for the OH to say no, in my case pushing things too much just made her more resolute so, that was a long time ago and older and wiser me accepts things a lot better than 20s me.

My OH has accommodated a number of things over the years for me , recently she asked for something I'm not really into but I did my best to make it happen for her and she really enjoyed it.

The stuff you want to do, is it a deal breaker? My OH has said no to stuff in the past but that was something which I wanted to try so wasn't a massive deal as we already had a varied sex life.

Good luck!

Generally l would suggest that if someone doesn’t want to do something, that is the line in the sand. Sex should be something shared.

But without knowing exactly what is not his thing, it is hard to respond constructivly.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask, and no is also a perfectly reasonable response 🤷🏻 , nobody should be forced into doing something they don’t want to

my OH has asked to do things that she has really wanted and I have not really gotten anything from it , but she was happy

Of course you never force someone to do something for your own sexual pleasure. How do you think that’s at all acceptable?

You can ask, and if they’re willing to try that’s great, but force? I can’t believe you even had to ask.

Forcing someone to do something sexual they do not want to is called rape.
Manipulating and demanding someone does something sexual is coercion and abuse.
Put the boot on the other foot - a male asking a woman to do something she did not want to. And then imagine the MN response.

Sex is a two way thing, and you have to work out what works for you both.
Or leave.

Generally? I think it’s an absolute no. It doesn’t matter what it is he won’t do, however “vanilla” it may be, no one should be made to do something they don’t want to do.

It’s coercion at best.

"Try and force him". Jesus Christ.

I accept l worded that very badly. Sorry!

In terms of spicing things up I would imagine it’s where on the sliding scale from vanilla to tutti frutti you want to be.

if your asking for a different position or to introduce toys then there maybe some middle ground where he could maybe lean into it.
If it’s opening up your marriage or pegging then you maybe have to give that up unless it’s a deal breaker.

The “not my thing” to me sounds like he’s quite happy to have sex they way he wants to without taking your new request's/needs into account and could be a bit selfish if you only want to close the orgasm gap.

Apologies -" Try and force him " was not really what I meant
I'll try and explain a bit better
So early on in our relationship I realised that he really enjoyed me giving him oral sex - what man doesn't !!!
Crumbs - over the years I must have given him hundreds of blow jobs - It doesn't phase me if he has ejaculated in my mouth and most of the time I've just swallowed it - which really turns him on
We all know it's not the best taste in the world but TBH it's not a big deal to me and hasn't really bothered me as I am happy to please him like that
Anyway as I said I've been looking to spice things up and for quite a while I have been thinking about trying anal sex
I realise that this is unusual as after reading all the threads on here it is normally the man who wants to initiate it
So I ordered some gear online and the other week I went upstairs early and "prepared" - I took a long bath to relax and inserted a butt plug in my bum
When I joined him in bed he was a bit shocked
When I asked him if he had ever tried anal sex he said no
I realise now that perhaps we should have talked about it first and I shouldn't have surprised him like that - but in a way I thought it might be a way of "spicing things up" spontaneously
Anyway after a while of vaginal sex I removed the buttplug and he entered me
He didn't last long before he completed
Afterwards I asked him how he felt and that's when he said that it didn't really do much for him and he preferred normal sex

Here is the problem - I loved it !
We have done it a couple more times since - It is even better for me if I use a vibrator either on my clit or inside
But now he is saying he 's not bothered about doing it again - I find it hard to believe that he didn't enjoy it as he did climax whilst inside me ?????
I have even told him how much I enjoyed it - as if it wasn't obvious by my reactions
I would really like to do it again from time to time - although not too often obviously - I still reach orgasm through normal sex so I am not addicted to it
Am I being unreasonable to ask him to do something that he knows pleasures me immensely - I mean I'm not asking him to enter into a world of BDSM or wife swapping am I ?

I think you should have a conversation with him about it when you're not just about to fuck, but you have to accept that he might not want to do it. If he says no then you'll just have to accept it - don't turn up with a butt plug up your arse and pester him. Also you have to accept that he's the judge of whether he enjoyed it, not you. Statements like "I find it hard to believe that he didn't enjoy it as he did climax whilst inside me ?????" just make you look like you have issues respecting boundaries.

I don’t understand the link between swallowing after a blow job and springing anal sex on him? You’ve not explained why you mentioned it. Is it because you don’t like it and expect the same gesture in return? That’s your prerogative to do it, you don’t have to. He’s not forced you. And some of us DO actually like it so won’t necessarily agree with you.

Anyway; he did try what you asked him. He didn’t like it. What more do you expect? Him to do something he doesn’t like?

You did say “force”. You know what force is. That wasn’t added by mistake.

Have a discussion with him and if he’s not willing then leave it. He might not be telling you the truth about why he doesn’t like it. And him finishing that way means nothing.

Likewise, you can stop giving him blow jobs if you don’t don’t want to. It’s up to you - like it’s up to him.

And the way you sprung it on him was the wrong way to go about it if you know he’s not as sexually open as you are. You have to know your audience. I expect he would have appreciated a prior discussion.

I don’t think what you’re asking is that bad in all honesty but it’s about you both having a mutual respect.
My wife used to love doing all sorts of different positions and now she only wants me on top and on the odd occasion it might be in more of a spooning position, it’s not exactly what I want but it’s what she wants and it means on the odd occasion we have sex she’s happy. I’d rather that than no sex.

he should be over the moon that you’re up for spicing things up and I’m sure a lot of blokes on here would agree 😂.

It’s definitely worth a conversation and saying it’s not an all the time thing but every once in a while you’d love to do it again.

We tried anal once, at DH's insistence, It was a special anniversary he wanted a treat. It hurt and I have never wanted to try again. Talking afterwards he acknowledged that it was painful for me and has never mentioned it since.
Slightly off topic, sometimes I like a really vigorous fuck and I cannot persuade DH to go hard enough.😮 He thinks it will hurt me this is from well before the anal attempt.
I do enjoy the gentle times though so no complaints.😉

A lot of men would absolutely love it and OP’s approach. But you have to know who you’re dealing with. Some people, including men, are more sexually reserved than others. My own husband is like this. I can’t spring anything on him. We talk about stuff first. I’m way more sexually open than he is so I tread very cautiously. It’s easy to put someone off completely when they are like this.

"he should be over the moon that you’re up for spicing things up and I’m sure a lot of blokes on here would agree"
No. Anyone's allowed to like what they like and not like what they don't. If desires/needs are different then a respectful conversation can had but it's not OK to badger someone to try and get past a "no".
I thought this was well understood but evidently not.

Also I've just noticed your thread title is Asking OH to do things in bed they say they don't really enjoy. It sounds like you really believe that you understand your DH's desires better that he does.

Hi OP,

I feel like you are getting a bit of a hard time here but maybe that's just me.

It can be amazing when you do things spontaneously, I have had it where my wife has surprised me with something I've talked about before and also with some things we have not discussed before.

I think communication, comfort and boundaries with new things are very important, but there is still room for spontaneuity. On this occasion it wasn't as well received as you hoped.

As a bloke your dick doesn't lie, so he must have enjoyed it on some level and you have had a repeat performance. Is there some other issue he isn't talking about, some people cannot reconcile the pleasure/grossness association.

What's he like with giving in other aspects of your sex life? It's not the approach for everyone, but for me giving is a pleasure of it's own, even if you are indifferent about the act.

"As a bloke your dick doesn't lie, so he must have enjoyed it on some level"
Again, jesus christ. He's said he doesn't like it. That's all. He doesn't need to be psychoanalysed and the attempt to frame him as not "giving" is borderline gaslighting.

I don't know if you are M or F but I can tell you wholeheartedly from my scientific survey of one that if I don't like something then I am not climaxing.

The gaslighting comment is ridiculous, if I pick the first example that comes to mind, foreplay doesn't really do much for me, I am pretty much ready to go yet I will do it for any partner for however long if they like it. Sex would soon get pretty boring if we didn't do things for our partners.

You know that women have been known to get wet and orgasm during a sexual assault? It’s rare; but it happens. It can cause lots of feelings of guilt and confusion.

I’m not saying the OP assaulted her partner at all, but just pointing out that the fact that arousal/orgasm can happen even if you don’t want the sex.

Apart from all the above and on a more practical point, PIV with a vibrator in your bum can be VERY stimulating for both of you. Discovered in a relationship exactly like yours. ;-)

Evidence???

Being giving's good, but he's stated his boundary. She can leave or accept it. If your DW surprised you with a football team and intimated that they were going to sequentially bugger you for her viewing enjoyment, should you be shamed for not being "giving" if you didn't acquiesce? Of course not.