My friend's comment has thrown me.

[Alittledilemma]

I've been FWB with A for over 2 years. It runs more like an open relationship than FWB, as we've met each others friends and family, we help each other with life admin and are open about deep life issues with each other. He lives a 2 hour drive away, so I stay at his at least once a fortnight. He rarely comes to mine, due to my children.

Things started with FWB when things ended with my ex boyfriend, B. B and I recently began hooking up again. I've seen him a few times over the last two months. Things feel more FWB than relationship with B.

I'm a teacher, and I'm going away with A for 4 days in half term. A now only takes his holidays from work during school holidays, so we can see each other. B is also a teacher, so we're going away for 2 days in half term.

My female friend is fully aware of these two men in my life. For the first time, she's been quite judgy. She's shocked I'm going away with both men during half term. She sees going away with someone as a sign of commitment. And feels I'm being unfair to both men. In principle I agree with her-going away with someone does feel more serious than FWB. What she's said has thrown me.

A and I have an agreement that we can see others, we just don't say. B has no clue A is in my life, and I think he'd be quite upset if he knew. I don't want to tell B about A. I love Bs company and we have a great giggle, so I don't want to tell him about A. But I refuse to ditch reliable and dependable A right now for the sake of offending B.

Ideally, I'd like to be back with B again in a relationship, but he's showing every sign he doesn't want that right now. But he may in the future. I'm happy taking what B's offering right now, but I'm worried he'll be upset if he finds out in the future I was seeing A whilst seeing him.

I'm posting on the sex board rather than relationships or aibu, as I feel you all understand the rainbow of relationship status' far better than the majority of MNs.

I'm not sure what I want from this post tbh. I guess I'm asking what you would say to your friend if they were going away with 2 different men in the same week?

I'd say you are still hooked on B, and who knows what B will offer you (I don't know how long the relationship was with him, if you lived together? etc). Feels like B does want to explore it again with you but you might just be there now for sex without the commitment that presumably didn't work before if you split up.

If B found out about A, I think that would very much risk him being upset and rejecting you.

It would be mean to A to not go away as that's been set up.

But I think you will feel a bit like a *** if you are seeing one then the other straight after. And hiding messaging etc. It will feel a bit much I think. I would feel worried about it.

The thing is you know about both of them, but they don't know about each other. That's what feels a bit wrong somehow. But then maybe not. It's just like a physical version of me having 10 penpals I guess.

hmm.

I think you need to be careful. If you lose B and only have A again, how will you feel?

I understand your friend. She's shocked. But a lot of unfaithful partners are doing this all the time - having sex with lover in day then sleeping with spouse or partner at night.

I'm not sure how you handle your own emotions though.

on the plus side, lots of sex. ...

You were quite happy with A. B has come back. I think he needs to be told about A.

B has no clue A is in my life, and I think he'd be quite upset if he knew.

This is the issue. B isn't fully aware of the situation, and in my view, you can do what you like, as long as everyone involved is fully consenting and aware of all circumstances. It sounds like he thinks you're only with him, even though it's not a relationship. That's unfair.

I'd say that to a friend who was doing this, but as long as everyone was aware, its up to you if you want to go away with 2 blokes in a week.

It wouldn't be something I'd do and I would wonder if you're happy with things as casual with them if you're going away with them both as that is usually done in a more committed relationship.

For FWB to work all parties need to know where they stand and at the moment B is in the dark which is possibly where your friends judgment comes from as by omission you're being dishonest and deceitful.

How would you feel if either A or B were seeing other people?

I disagree with your friend that going away together is a sign of commitment. I also think she’s unreasonable if she is judging you for seeing both men in one week.

But you’re deceiving B. He has no idea that you’re having a sexual relationship with A. That’s a shit thing to do. If you had a proper understanding of open relationships or ENM, you’d realise that. If nothing else, you’re not allowing B to make fully informed decisions about his sexual health.

“He’d be quite upset if he knew”… that says everything about how little you care for him.

I agree with your friend - you come across as deceitful and manipulative, those guys deserve to be treated with more respect.

And what about sexual health?

it doesn’t bear thinking about!

Imagining if this was a Bloke posting, shagging two different woman in the same week……

@PinotPony has nailed it.

Honestly, honesty is the best policy and if you genuinely care for B, level with him and let him make an "informed decision."

You never know, it could open the way to some new ideas :-)

Thank you all for your insights. A lot to think about.

I'm assuming A is seeing others, as that's the conversation we had.

I'm assuming B isn't seeing others, as he lacks confidence and has a lot of commitments in his personal life. We were together for a year. Used to see each other about once a week and go away every school holiday. Friends for 5 years before that. It was his personal commitments that ended us really. I got cancelled on too many times. He didn't make me feel particularly wanted, if that makes sense.

I discussed my dilemma with a friend yesterday. Interesting question posed, which I'd love to hear your opinions on.

How many times should you sleep with someone before you tell them you're sleeping with someone else? I've seen B 3 times in 2 months. Is that 3 times too many before I tell him I'm having sex elsewhere? When does the exclusivity conversation get raised in your opinion?

I would just pick one and be with him so it wouldn't come up.
I would assume he thought I might sleep with other people though if we hadnt agreed to be exclusive

The confusion here is that B was in an exclusive relationship with you before,

I agree with Freddy that it's not nice for B because he doesn't' get to choose re: his own sexual health

personally if i was so interested in B, I'd defo have cancelled the trip with A

I think from a sexual health point of view on that week you will have sex with them both it’s not good. You are also taking away B’s right to consent to the situation, it’s not really fair. You seem to want your cake and eat it. If it was a guy coming in here with this situation he would have got an absolute flaming!

I have that conversation before I sleep with someone.

I met a new guy recently with the intention of having a FB type situation. We went for a drink and during the course of the evening I asked him who he was currently sleeping with and whether they knew he was seeking new sexual partners. I told him about DP. We also discussed what we wanted from each other in terms of frequency of communication and meeting. I have a date lined up with him this weekend.

In your shoes, I would have told B about A as soon as he got back in touch. If it was a deal breaker for him, then I’d have made a choice. You don’t always get your cake and eat it!

Ah @PinotPony , I agree that the time to have had that conversation was when B and I bumped into each other. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I didn't know then we'd be seeing each other again after. I thought it would be a one off for old times, hence not saying anything about A.

I thought the same when I saw B again at a mutual friend's party.

I bottled telling him about A the third time, as I love Bs company. Always have done. Plus he used to find conversations about sex hard, so I didn't want to scare him off. And I genuinely didn't expect there to be a third time.

Seeing as there's going to be a planned fourth time, you're all right that B needs to know about A. I need to be clear in my head about what my ideal outcome is from all this before I speak to B. I don't want to let A go just to find out that B is going to be flakey again two months down the line.

I went into my relationship with A having that very open conversation you describe @PinotPony as we connected on a hook up site. I definitely haven't had that open conversation with the ONSs I've had whilst I've been seeing A. Nor have I asked them their sexual history.

As B has unexpectedly evolved, I was viewing it as a brief rekindling. My friend's comment has changed my outlook. You're right to remind me @valentinka31 that B and I were exclusive before, so he would probably assume the same again. I care about him too much to mislead him. It was so hard having the "exclusive" chat with him in the early days of us seeing each other, as he was very woolly about what he did want. I'm going to have to spell things out to him very clearly this time.

Thank you everyone for helping me bat this out in my head. Much appreciated.

A few things.

I won't ever judge FWB. But. There's a clear boundary. I.e. not going away together. A FWB doesn't take the holidays when you do.......

Secondly, are your children with you on this week? Cos that might be confusing for them.

Regardless of whether you're enjoying this or not (I get it) there's boundaries out of place here, and even IF you are happy with that, there's two other people's feelings involved here (plus your children's)

If I was your friend I'd feel the same, I'd be concerned, and I would straight away point out that this isn't how FWBs works. You're too invested and you're spending too much time for these just to be FWBs.

You need to choose. Or you need to end both. But either way, you're playing with fire and emotions.

Personally I think it depends what FWBs means.

To me it means sleeping with only them but not doing the relationship stuff....... if I'm honest.

He has confidence issues ffs 😭🫤 poor lad.

OP. I think the problem here is you're not being straight with either. Yet one you do life admin with, the other you've history with, can you see where this is going? I think as a single woman you can do as you please, but, it should be transparent and straight up. Person B would be potentially really hurt, I don't think deep down thats your intention ( it was your friend saying this and you've come here for advice, if you didn't care deep down you wouldn't be asking - i don't think your friend was wrong). So ultimately you need to make a choice cos there's no boundaries or transparency here.

I'm polyamorus so the only issue I have with anything you've said is that you're not being open with everyone. I have no issue with going away with anyone, if that's what fits that particular dynamic.

Be honest with them each and then take it from there. It's unfair on at least B to not be telling him you're seeing someone else.

Someone mentioned screening, I don't think you need to do it each time but you should be testing before or after a new partner, every 3 months if you're not monogamous and annually if you are. Usually there's free services near you and even home testing.

Honesty. If A is FWB then it shouldn’t be an issue to stop seeing for benefits while you sleep with B . B has a right to know if you’re sleeping with someone else. He had a right to know before you started sleeping with him again so he could make an informed choice. He will probably be doubly affected if he finds out now and think less of you for being secretive. Most people don’t like being lied to. My guess is, B will run for the hills rather than share and you know this, hence the deception because you want to have your cake and eat it. If this was a guy OP and two women with the deception, there’d be outrage lol

You need to be honest with B.

He's potentially trying to build a relationship with you and you're essentially cheating.

The only thing you're doing wrong is not being upfront with B. And you say you'd prefer a proper relationship with B but if his circumstances haven't changed, the problem of him being unavailable is still going to be a problem.

You really need to talk to b about where you both stand especially as you think he might be upset. If you do want to have a relationship with him not telling him now could come back to haunt you further down the line as well as cause him much more hurt - which it really doesn't sound like you want to do.

How many times should you sleep with someone before you tell them you're sleeping with someone else?

I can’t believe this is a serious question

I would just ask B where does he think this is going and are we now moving into the realms of us being exclusive with each other again?

That sets out the stall so to speak that you aren't exclusive. If he then wants to ask specifics as to what you mean you can explain you are seeing someone on a casual non exclusive basis but if B is serious and want to be exclusive you are prepared to do that.

Note @Alittledilemma I wasn't even aware there was a sex board until MN have put your thread on Facebook thereby negating your request for less judgemental answers!

When I have had a FWB before there has always been a conversation at the start about expectations and where we stand with each other so that we can also manage our friendship and stay friends when it ends.
I feel like you have had that conversation with A but ended up in a situationship with B because you haven't had the same conversation with him which feels unfair. Without the same conversation with B he can't be considered a FWB.
You are now the winner in this situation, you have a A who does life admin for you and has reliable sex with you, you also have B who doesn't know about A who you would possibly like to get back together with in the future.
I would ditch B as I don't think that a relationship can grow from this situationship and it all seems a bit of a desperate way to keep him until he is ready.