To PM or not to PM...that's the Q.

[Maccar305]

🤔 is there some kind of etiquette about who we can or can't PM?

Sometimes I'd like to respond to someone privately but got the impression it's frowned upon....🤷‍♂️

(I'm M)

Generally don’t! Most women view it as harassment! Having said that, I have made a delightful friend who popped up in my messages and I fondly refer to as my pet troll.

Why did I not go eww! and report him?

The tone of the message was respectful and offering support rather than asking for salacious details of my intimate thoughts and habits.

know that if the message does get reported you will be banned! Then decide if you want to risk it!

It’s an anonymous forum so there really is no need to PM. It feels invasive imo .

You can only shoot your shot

There are occasions when someone comprehensively fails to read the room or focuses intently on a superfluous aspect of a post ("when you say you were hit by a maroon car, was it light or dark maroon?") which derails a useful debate that one may like to make an aside about without confronting the matter directly.
Equally, there are difficult subjects that a regular poster who has already commented on a thread may want to communicate knowledge of without outing themselves.
I would suggest that if the purpose of the PM is to genuinely and selflessly assist a poster, it is more likely to be acceptable than if you want to make contact for your own benefit.
Other, wiser heads may have better - certainly more succinct views.

I’ve had PM exchanges over a number of years on various MN boards, including this one. Generally, it has been because the level of detail would not interest others, example: a certain restaurant in Paris, including directions, a specific dress and where to buy it, or detailed travel destination and hotel.

There have also been some personal issue specific ones, which can go beyond what people are prepared to cover on a public forum. I like to think l’ve helped a few people along the way.

Generally, l welcome genuine PMs. I do not however respond to people seeking a date, asking or giving a phone number, requests for nudes, or just generally wanting sex chat (it happens) or the odd one that simply says hello.

It seems a bit naff to be on an online forum designed for people to meet each other online and never forge connections or take things beyond surface level.

That said things do depend from person to person. It's always a good idea to communicate clearly (i.e. Can't chat now so my responses will be delayed or just be polite and say Good night to someone when you've finished chatting -- I know this seems like common sense but do many people don't do this.)

Be fun, and engaging without being offensive (i.e. negging). I'm always amused when someone is relaxed and playful because that makes me feel better.

At times I'll get a PM from someone uptight who is keen to chat but is overly guarded. This doesn't work.

At the end of the day it's a forum made for people to talk and interact with other people. To clutch pearls because someone PMed doesn't make sense.

Ms PMing Fs, particularly on a sex board, is creepy IMO. I’ve only ever PMd F/F, and it was to ask about something specific (a local recommendation, and I didn’t want to “out” her location or mine). And of course I asked her first if I could PM.

Most of the times I've had a PM it's to do with something I've posted on the sex board. I don't mind the ones that are polite and just wanting a conversation but I will report the ones that think they can say something vulgar to me just because I've talked openly on the sex board about a vibrator or something. Even then, I just think they're a bit sad and weird and either ignore or block.

Same

@Ingens Agree 😊 It's just polite and it builds trust.

Sending PMs to people you've 'met' on the sex topic is definitely not allowed, and if you post about it, you'll be deleted.

This is because there were long-running threads on the sex topic that were just set up for sex chat and then - via PMs - for meet ups for sex. Definitely not welcome on a site like Mumsnet.

@BIWI are you the moral guardian around here? Official or self appointed? 🤷‍♂️

Judging from my inbox over the last few days, I'd say your Victorian moral crusade is way off the mark.
(All unsolicited btw)

I have a badge and everything.

@BIWI 😂 nighty night x

There's too many creepy blokes who do this. It tells you not to send unwanted PMs at the top of this board because it's already a problem on here.

This is not strictly true though is it? It says not to send “unwanted PMs”; not that it’s forbidden to send PMs at all. Also, how on earth would MNHQ even know which board the users “met” on?

I’m also not sure one poster can say for certain what is and what is not welcome on this site.

Don't be so disingenuous @DixonD You know very well the whole history of PMs on the sex topic.

I am not. You’re correct in that I am aware.

Doesn’t mean I have to agree or hold the same level of disdain as the anti-sex brigade who prey on the posters on this board. MNHQ had no issue with the chat thread. They pulled it to keep the peace.

The posters on this board are 9/10 far friendlier and inclusive than they are on any other board on MN.

I'm a MNetter just like you are. I read and post across a wide variety of boards. I do not 'prey' - which is horribly offensive to suggest.

And I am not anti-sex at all. I am, though, anti those who want to use MN for sleazy sex hook-ups. A position which I have stated many, many times. And for those posters, yes, I have disdain.

I completely agree. If anyone is preying in anyone, that will be some of the men here.

Mumsnet were clear that they decided they did not want to be used as a platform for hook ups which I agree with them on. Of course, anyone that doesn't agree with the hook up threads and sleaze here is accused of being anti sex. How pathetic.

And posters here didn't like being referred to as 'the sex people', some got very annoyed about it, so let's not call others 'the anti sex brigade' for being against sleaze, creeps and hook up threads on here.

For any newer users, the no PM etiquette rule was brought in after a sex chat thread was started for MN users to PM each other for naughty conversation.

The thread was wildly popular but was also extremely unpopular with a very loud minority of members who where dead against it and pressured the admin team for months to remove it which they eventually did.

To add balance I do think some creepy male members spoiled it by messaging other female members who were not active in the 'sex chat thread'. Hence why its now considered unacceptable for male members to contact females without being invited.

This all happened over a year ago and was considered high drama on MN at the time.

I suppose it depends on the intentions of the message that you’re looking to send, if it’s having a genuine conversation about a topic then I don’t see a problem.
Ive had quite a few PM’s which I don’t mind and it’s nice to have a chat privately but I haven’t reached out to anyone first.