Why do I want to sleep with someone else

[nevergoingto]

I've been with my partner for 11 years.

Lately our sex life has gone quiet, vanilla and I dread it tbh. My partner doesn't ever really want to do much for me (without me asking for it), he rarely ever gives me head because he thinks it's disgusting, he wants long BJs himself, wants me on top every time during sex and then he cums first and never wishes to finish me off - he just laughs at me when I ask him to.

He has started to call me names here and there during little bickers and arguments referencing my looks sometimes and it's really putting me off of him and I can't see him sexually anymore. He apologises for what he has said when he's calmed down and says he never meant it but it doesn't change that those things have come from his mouth and it's happening often.

My dilemma is that I've started thinking about having sex with other people, just fantasizing. I would never cheat on my OH, but I also feel like I can't leave him over this surely? There must be a way to work through it. Has anyone got any suggestions please? I feel hugely sexually frustrated like I need a release. I'm 27 so don't know if hormones are playing a part in how I feel. I don't want to feel like this at all!

I can pleasure myself and cum several times in one sitting but it's not the same as having sex and it doesn't satisfy me enough. Sorry for the TMI.

Thanks

Eleven years is a very long time, when your just 27. I'm 10 years older, and that's a long time to be with anyone. It just depends on your standards and what you'd want to put up with long-term. Doesn't sound like a secure, mutual relationship of fun and equality, what you're describing. Good luck.

I definitely don't want to put up with the way he is behaving for much longer or forever! But it's difficult because we have several children together and he doesn't believe in separating under any circumstances

I feel like such a perv because I've even been finding myself looking at other men when I'm out doing normal daily things and this is not normal for me. I feel like a sexually frustrated pig 🤦🏼‍♀️

Several children massively complicates things. Not a situation I'd want to be in, hope you can work out a solution. At 27, you've got your whole life in front of you...

I just want to bring life back to our sex life. And I want to stop having these thoughts as well. I will sit down with my partner and speak to him about it, hopefully we can work something out

He sounds like a bit of a selfish bloke, from your description, to be honest. Hope he changes and things get back on track.

I’m not surprised that you want to sleep with other people. The sex you are describing doesn’t sound fun at all for someone who is only 27. You need to talk to him and make him understand that this isn’t what you want, of he doesn’t listen then you have a bigger problem.

Once you have spoken to your partner and if he still continues to be selfish then it is time up, I think.

Good luck OP

The writing is on the wall - you will not change him - he’s sexually lazy and largely disinterested in you - the lack of oral is quite something

Plan your exit, prioritising the children of course - a massive challenge, but necessary in the context of your life, happiness and future.

I thought much the same at your age, but wasn’t big enough to go through with it, much to my regret.

At 27 your sex life shouldn’t be like this at all but first of all talk to him explain how you feel and what you’d like the outcome might be different than you imagine. But if his answers are as selfish as his attitude to sex then it’s time to move on but give him a while to think about it and don’t go by his initial reaction.

But talk, I had a colleague who had a not too dissimilar conversation like this with her husband with the outcome that her husband had issues and suggested she got a lover. Nobody was more surprised than her its currently working but obviously not for everyone

Goid luck x

There is absolutely nothing wrong in feeling as you do. You want to sleep with someone else because he has appalling behaviour. You have answered your own question in the context of your post.

Sorting this out is another matter sadly.

He gets very defensive which puts me off talking to him but there's a massive elephant in the room so we need to find a way to have an open conversation. I feel so guilty for feeling this way

I do feel like I can't change him if this is how he behaves now and again for months on end at a time. It's like a rollercoaster I have no control of. I'm so sad about that but what can I do. When he makes little to no effort it puts me off trying at all so we're at a standstill. Because I think well if he doesn't show any passion then why should I just to make myself look silly. When we first got together as teenagers (obviously a long time ago now) every spark was there and the sex was great so I know he's capable. We have no major life issues or stresses we can't work through or anything I can put my finger on to chalk up to reasoning behind his behaviour. I know with age and life it all changes but if he wanted to have a good sex life then he would try, right?

I'm sorry you hold regret. Please can I message you privately if you don't mind?

Thank you for this. I'm willing to be patient if he's willing to cooperate with me and make improvements.

I'm a little worried about starting the conversation with him because I'm worried he'll shame me for the way I'm feeling. I hope I'm wrong. More often than not he is understanding if something is affecting me. But he's also known to make comments like "you're just trying to leave me so you can go and be a slut" which is really unhelpful.

Hi op. You have to communicate constantly . Perhaps he feels insecure, maybe he’s watching too much porn , or maybe he’s put you on a pedestal and doesn’t see you as the hot vixen you are.

start this slow and talk. Get those date nights back and find out what gets him going. I mean really find out. It took us 15 years to discover the confidence to be total open with each other..

good luck!

Of course, no problem at all!

He's selfish because he knows you don't know any different. I'm presuming he is the only man you have ever been with ? I'd do he knows you can't compare him with anyone else .

Plus stop giving him oral if he won't give it to you and tell him .

I am reluctant to write this as I may be reading too much between the lines, but:-
With him, presumably married, from 16?
Several Children?
and, to quote your own words, "he doesn't believe in separating under any circumstances"?

I get the impression of a certain religion being involved here.
If I am wrong and this causes offence, then I apologise.

"Freddy75 · Today 08:03
The writing is on the wall - you will not change him - he’s sexually lazy and largely disinterested in you - the lack of oral is quite something"

Agree 100%.
I find his continual demands for blow-jobs whilst refusing to reciprocate, is not only selfish in the extreme, but, given the pleasure of "muff diving" (to use an old Army expression, inexplicable!

There are some wise words on here. But I would give it another go. But talking. The best oral sex you will ever have are words alone.

Thank you for expressing yourself with the issues. I will probably be flamed but a general situation it would appear that if someone either sex has been in a relationship in their teens and there are issues after a number a number it does not appear unusual.

Again I wish you well OP but at 27 years it would appear you could have a more full filling life as far as as sex is concerned. You need to speak as will cause issues.

In all honesty your husband is abusive. The issue here is not about a boring sex life but the offensive comments and name calling that he subjects you to. He is clearly selfish in bed and is disrespectful by laughing at you when you ask to be pleasured too. These are clearly not the actions of a man who is warm, loving, and caring. Of course he doesn't want to separate from you! He wants someone who can take care of the multiple children and get blowjobs from. It's unlikely he is going to get this once he is alone. Please don't underplay your situation. You are only 27, this is no way to live your life. I'm not sure what hormones you refer to, unless you have recently given birth. Don't belittle yourself by calling yourself a sexually frustrated pig because that is not true. Be smart, speak to Women's aid/lawyer and start getting together an exit plan. And perhaps don't have any more children with him.

Thank you for your comment 🙏🏼 I really appreciate your advice x