Open marriage advice

AFlavourofAva · 2024-07-01T19:13:26+00:00

DH and I get on well but have had issues in bed for some time. He struggles to perform and when he does it’s very, very quick. He will help with a toy but won’t give oral and in the last year or so he will usually leave me to finish the job. This is the only issue in our marriage, he’s a really nice guy. 4 months ago we agreed to open up the marriage with strict conditions. We can only play away when we are at a conference, safe sex obviously, and we have to say before to check in and be open about details after. We both go to different conferences 3-4 times a year. last week was my first experience. Other guy was single and I told him the score from the outset, checked DH was ok with it beforehand and I had 2 days of great sex, lots of orgasms and a huge relief. DH asked details, I was honest, and surprisingly he got turned on (hair trigger still an issue though). All in, a good experience. However, other guy wants to make it a more regular thing and is willing to travel to me every month or so. DH has said I can but I worry I would catch feelings if more regular contact. am I best to stop contact or does anyone have advice how a regular thing can occur without catching feelings? I don’t want to leave DH as we do love each other but my perimenopause sex surge wants more. My instinct is I have to stop this as a ONS unless anyone has any wisdom….

Maccar305 · 01/07/2024 20:32

From what you've told us so far, everything seems upfront & open.
Personally, I'd congratulate you & your DH on that....not an easy "ask."

You are clearly an empath and so the next step is crucial..... I suspect a pure "fuck buddy" won't suffice, which leaves a "FWB." The joy of a well matched sexual partner is awesome, and for me, a friendship is part of that.....probably similar for you. We enjoy a meal and a glass of wine occasionally, a sense of humour and damm good sex....but we don't share much of our "private" lives, and that's important for me.

Never had to catch any feelings so far, and everything else I could ask for in life, I share with my other half.
I hope this helps. Good luck. x

Coffeelovr · 01/07/2024 21:04

without catching feelings

Isn't there also a danger you will lose respect for DH?

DixonD · 01/07/2024 23:05

Coffeelovr · 01/07/2024 21:04

without catching feelings

Isn't there also a danger you will lose respect for DH?

This is my view too and have thought this because I have considered recently what it would be like to have an open marriage.

My husband has a lower sex drive than me (despite the fact I’ve just turned him down after having sex for the last few days - which never happens by the way. Before this we last had sex in January).

I have thought about an open marriage during times of frustration but I honestly would lose all respect for him as I walk out of the door to meet someone, with him knowing I’m off to have sex with another man and he’s not bothered enough to do anything about it.

That’s not to say that I don’t think it would be a good option in some circumstances and situations.

Original poster

AFlavourofAva · 01/07/2024 23:05

Maccar305 · 01/07/2024 20:32

From what you've told us so far, everything seems upfront & open.
Personally, I'd congratulate you & your DH on that....not an easy "ask."

You are clearly an empath and so the next step is crucial..... I suspect a pure "fuck buddy" won't suffice, which leaves a "FWB." The joy of a well matched sexual partner is awesome, and for me, a friendship is part of that.....probably similar for you. We enjoy a meal and a glass of wine occasionally, a sense of humour and damm good sex....but we don't share much of our "private" lives, and that's important for me.

Never had to catch any feelings so far, and everything else I could ask for in life, I share with my other half.
I hope this helps. Good luck. x

Thank you. It’s a strange journey at resent, but one we are both happy with. I’m not sure how well I can do FWB… the conference rule makes it like a summer fling which I think is better for my head.

OP posts:

Original poster

AFlavourofAva · 01/07/2024 23:12

DixonD · 01/07/2024 23:05

This is my view too and have thought this because I have considered recently what it would be like to have an open marriage.

My husband has a lower sex drive than me (despite the fact I’ve just turned him down after having sex for the last few days - which never happens by the way. Before this we last had sex in January).

I have thought about an open marriage during times of frustration but I honestly would lose all respect for him as I walk out of the door to meet someone, with him knowing I’m off to have sex with another man and he’s not bothered enough to do anything about it.

That’s not to say that I don’t think it would be a good option in some circumstances and situations.

Edited

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Thank you, an interesting perspective and sorry to hear your troubles.

this is new to me, but we have been very open and building this on communication. It was hard answering the questions afterwards, but it’s what we agreed. To be fully open… this has helped as it keeps our needs aligned I guess.

OP posts:

StarlightLady · 02/07/2024 05:53

”… he won’t give oral”.

There is a bigger issue here!!!!

Secondstart1001 · 02/07/2024 09:06

I am happy for you but be careful, the original agreement with your DH was 3-4 times a month at conferences likely not with the same person. This is a monthly thing and you will find yourself looking forward to it a bit like a holiday. This count down may be detrimental to your marriage.

Also you mentioned DH as well being able to have sex with others. In light of him finishing so fast is this really a viable option for him and something he will take up?

Secondstart1001 · 02/07/2024 09:06

Meant 3-4 times a year not months!

MaxTalk · 02/07/2024 09:33

What conferences are you attending? I never meet anyone at a conference which turns into sex.

Obviously going to engineering conferences isn't the best place to pick up people... :)

Coffeelovr · 02/07/2024 09:48

StarlightLady · 02/07/2024 05:53

”… he won’t give oral”.

There is a bigger issue here!!!!

This.

ChloeUK · 02/07/2024 09:50

My hubby and I have chatted about what would work best for us, and we came up with a hypothetical "three meet rule" to keep things fun and avoid any emotional entanglements. We haven't actually put it into practice yet, but the idea certainly spices things up! 😉 So, if you think you'd like to see him again, maybe set your own playful boundaries to keep the excitement alive without complicating things too much!

DixonD · 02/07/2024 09:52

AFlavourofAva · 01/07/2024 23:12

Thank you, an interesting perspective and sorry to hear your troubles.

this is new to me, but we have been very open and building this on communication. It was hard answering the questions afterwards, but it’s what we agreed. To be fully open… this has helped as it keeps our needs aligned I guess.

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Good luck with it - I hope it works out for you and both of you reap the benefits.

Beth216 · 02/07/2024 10:45

I would stop it while you're ahead. The chances are you'll start looking forward to that time every month and that will become your focus rather than your husband. If you want to stay in the marriage i think it could get dangerous and very complicated especially as who knows what the other blokes intentions are. Stick to the original plan IMO.

PassingStranger · 02/07/2024 13:32

i wouldnt have gone down this road, most people who have open relationships end up divorced. Id stop now if i were you.
Sex isnt the be all and end all of life.

Sunshining20 · 02/07/2024 14:51

@PassingStranger you say sex isn't the be all and end all and I agree that's why I think OP wants to keep her marriage going but we all have needs at times

My DH doesn't like to go down on me either while other partners have loved it. If a woman didn't love to give oral but the man loved her and they had a family together should he leave her..

Original poster

AFlavourofAva · 02/07/2024 16:37

Thanks for alll the replies. I have decided not to see the other man as a regular, precisely as people have said… it goes against what we agreed from the outset. This will be a happy memory and it has helped me a lot, I guess I know any future encounters may not be as good so the thought of more with a great lover was tempting.

as for the comments on DH not giving oral… this has been the way it is for some time. He doesn’t like it and I don’t want to force him just as I would not want to be forced into something I don’t like to do, like anal, just because a man wants it. Before the issues of ED and PE he used to satisfy me so it was ok… that has not happened for many years now.

@PassingStranger you are right it isn’t the be all and end all which is why we are staying together and enjoying everything else we have. This helps scratch an impossible itch and we have been closer since… I know he has felt awful as he used to last longer and now can’t, it’s frustrating for him. And when I say it’s quick, it’s often over in seconds. He also can try with someone else if he likes too… I think he would be embarrassed to finish so fast on a ONS.

@MaxTalk my conferences are usually very social and male heavy. I would have thought engineering might be the same.

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Wakemeup17 · 02/07/2024 19:23

MaxTalk · 02/07/2024 09:33

What conferences are you attending? I never meet anyone at a conference which turns into sex.

Obviously going to engineering conferences isn't the best place to pick up people... :)

It can be a very good place to pick up someone if you're a woman ;) and if you know how to talk to geeks.

Wakemeup17 · 02/07/2024 19:26

AFlavourofAva · 02/07/2024 16:37

Thanks for alll the replies. I have decided not to see the other man as a regular, precisely as people have said… it goes against what we agreed from the outset. This will be a happy memory and it has helped me a lot, I guess I know any future encounters may not be as good so the thought of more with a great lover was tempting.

as for the comments on DH not giving oral… this has been the way it is for some time. He doesn’t like it and I don’t want to force him just as I would not want to be forced into something I don’t like to do, like anal, just because a man wants it. Before the issues of ED and PE he used to satisfy me so it was ok… that has not happened for many years now.

@PassingStranger you are right it isn’t the be all and end all which is why we are staying together and enjoying everything else we have. This helps scratch an impossible itch and we have been closer since… I know he has felt awful as he used to last longer and now can’t, it’s frustrating for him. And when I say it’s quick, it’s often over in seconds. He also can try with someone else if he likes too… I think he would be embarrassed to finish so fast on a ONS.

@MaxTalk my conferences are usually very social and male heavy. I would have thought engineering might be the same.

ED and PE might not be a problem with a different partner. I've known cases like that so wouldn't make any assumptions.

MaxTalk · 02/07/2024 20:17

Wakemeup17 · 02/07/2024 19:23

It can be a very good place to pick up someone if you're a woman ;) and if you know how to talk to geeks.

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Ah true... conference geeks. The worst type of geeks ;)

Still, if they have all their bits working it can't be too bad!

Original poster

AFlavourofAva · 02/07/2024 20:29

I am a geek!

@Wakemeup17 if the ED and PE went for him with someone else I’d be pleased for him, he is so frustrated by it. It’s been years of struggle for him when we used to have a good sex life

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GentlemanJay · 02/07/2024 23:51

A word of warning. I know a married lady who met a married guy on a hook up site. Three months later they are madly in love and are both leaving their partners. That was never their intention. Just both looking to scratch a frustrating itch. Catching feels is very easy on both sides.

warningsecurityguards · 03/07/2024 07:37

On the other hand - I have a husband and a lover. Similar story to yourself OP, hit my 40’s and decided that my dh couldn’t chose me celibacy for me.
I assume I’m in peri because I’m more hormonal than a teenager.

I tried a ONS and didn’t like it, so it had to be someone I liked and see regularly.
He is amazing as a person and as a lover.

It works really well, and there is definitely no loss of respect from my husband.
If anything I respect him more for giving me the space to be me.
I am very lucky.

Secondstart1001 · 03/07/2024 08:37

@AFlavourofAva you’ve made the best decision for your marriage. I do hope you continue to meet men to satisfy your needs. The guy who wanted to meet on the regular I think was a real danger, as must have been a lot of chemistry.
I get where you are coming from, I have a high sex drive and am prob peri too. I count myself lucky as DP about 4 years younger and is happy and able to keep up. But I know I would find it really hard if things changed as even when we can’t due to one of us being unwell I feel frustrated. It sounds terrible but it’s true for me :(

Original poster

AFlavourofAva · 03/07/2024 19:25

That’s good to hear @warningsecurityguards Like you I’m so happy my DH has given his blessing for me to have my cravings sated.

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Mischi · 03/07/2024 19:45

GentlemanJay · 02/07/2024 23:51

A word of warning. I know a married lady who met a married guy on a hook up site. Three months later they are madly in love and are both leaving their partners. That was never their intention. Just both looking to scratch a frustrating itch. Catching feels is very easy on both sides.

Only another 21 months until they are slobbing around in the Pj’s and annoying the fuck of each other so might as well fill their boots while they can!