Open marriage advice

[AFlavourofAva]

DH and I get on well but have had issues in bed for some time. He struggles to perform and when he does it’s very, very quick. He will help with a toy but won’t give oral and in the last year or so he will usually leave me to finish the job. This is the only issue in our marriage, he’s a really nice guy.

4 months ago we agreed to open up the marriage with strict conditions. We can only play away when we are at a conference, safe sex obviously, and we have to say before to check in and be open about details after. We both go to different conferences 3-4 times a year.

last week was my first experience. Other guy was single and I told him the score from the outset, checked DH was ok with it beforehand and I had 2 days of great sex, lots of orgasms and a huge relief. DH asked details, I was honest, and surprisingly he got turned on (hair trigger still an issue though). All in, a good experience.

However, other guy wants to make it a more regular thing and is willing to travel to me every month or so. DH has said I can but I worry I would catch feelings if more regular contact.

am I best to stop contact or does anyone have advice how a regular thing can occur without catching feelings? I don’t want to leave DH as we do love each other but my perimenopause sex surge wants more. My instinct is I have to stop this as a ONS unless anyone has any wisdom….

Your husband is probably wanking himself senseless over this ! 🤣

Well, I would be happy if he was. Masturbation is not taboo here. But ED issues probably stops that from happening too often. He takes Cialis when he/we wants sex and I know the benefit is he can enjoy solo time as well the next morning.

your slightly trolling comments have triggered a thought… wonder if he is PE when playing solo? Hmm… a question for tonight!

@AFlavourofAva I was wondering so even with meds he only lasts seconds?

@Secondstart1001 Yes, meds get things up but it still goes off very fast

Even second or third round?

There is no chance he will take his side of this arrangement up.
This is a one way street but he sounds like he has a cuckold fantasy hence wanting to know all the details.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he asks if he can watch at some point in the future.

You guys came up with a boundary which is very sensible. Then at the very first suggestion from the other guy, you are already suggesting a moving of the goalposts. I would tread extremely carefully if I was you.

Why ?
its not the law he has too give oral, or even have sex

sounds like that part of the relationship has been outsourced and both of them sound happy about enough about it

@LeisureSuitLarry yes, that’s what I wanted advice… I needed the steer to stick to original agreement.

@Wakemeup17 i wish there was a longer second round but we never seem to do that. The issues he has combined with kids and two busy lives probably the cause

Have you thought to get away child free for a weekend without the pressures of home life and work? I wouldn’t make a big deal of going away to try and have better sex but to reconnect. If you both can take your time with the build up maybe it will be better? Nothing worse than trying to have sex when you have a mental to do list going off in your brain! Just some thoughts … I haven’t experienced this in a partner but I know I would find it upsetting as well as frustrating that my needs weren’t being met. Especially when it’s with someone I love so much 💔

@Secondstart1001 yes, we have tried that. We are really close, get on well, and enjoy each others company. Just our sex life is frustrating… mainly for me as he obviously orgasms fast. He has somehow become hyper sensitive to touch down there. The Cialis gives him massive headaches too, so while he’s happy to take it I feel bad suggesting or initiating. This is why we have tried opening it up…

Have you tried condoms / delay condoms/ sprays etc ?

I think it was the right call not to go for a repeat. You have just started
on your journey- stick with the original plan for a bit

@AFlavourofAva sorry op! We should have known you’d exhausted all avenues before opening up your marriage. Sorry if my questions were too intrusive and I hope it all works out.

Hi all, I just wanted to give a little update. Had two more away events but nothing happened at any. However, DP did have his first ONS at one of his events. I was much more jealous than I thought I would be. He still had PE issues which he found embarrassing .

the open communication has been really good, and we are comfortable where we are as a couple. He even went down on me once a few days ago…

@AFlavourofAva
great update , out of interest- why do you think you more jealous than you thought you would be ?

Things have settled well in the relationship and are comfortable with the open encounters. I was jealous ally first because I didn’t think he would go with someone else as he was the satisfied party I think. He has had a couple more, I have had 3 other dalliances. None as good as the first, 2 were enjoyable and one was underwhelming.

DH and I are in a really good place and getting along well. Our sex life is more. Frequent but still same issues of hair trigger.

Glad to hear things have settled down well.

Although my wife and I have an open marriage, in reality it is more that we have certain others we sleep with.

We still have the option to sleep with ransom strangers and a conference Yoji mentioned upthread has provided us both with that ONS.

My wife is right now with her fuck buddy in our spare bedroom and then we have our couple with benefits coming later and they're here until Sunday.

We're lucky that jealousy has never reared its head and we're both convinced it never will.

Keep up with your new lifestyle. It gives us both immense pleasure.

Sex isn’t the be all but it’s a huge part and knowing he has what you need is a temptation to go to more conferences and start to schedule. When people get on it’s inevitable that the sharing spills over and they start to talk, share confidences and this is the danger to your marriage.

my twopence worth would say it’s great he’s agreed to you seeing others but steps need to be taken to not get emotionally attached in any way. Easiest way to do that is to be one and done

Have a look at The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. A good book that covers pretty much all of the issues being discussed here, except perhaps your hubby's PE.