Should I keep him a fantasy or do it to get him out of my system

[Cantstopthinkingaboutit4years]

Ok. Here goes. I'm sure I will get slated but the sex chat seems the most understanding of these things.

I've been married 10 years, happily for the most part, with 2 kids, 8 and 6. DH is wonderful, we had parenting differences when the kids were really small but apart from that he is pretty great. Our sex life has been up and down, after having our second baby I lost interest hugely and would have to force myself to sleep with him. It's never been anything to do with him (not fancying him etc), purely tiredness. He was patient with me but did like to discuss the lack of sex a lot which I found harder as it felt like I was being forced.

Anyway, my urges came back a bit but ever since then it's been safe, easy, love making. Not that I mind this. I know he would probably like to spice it up a bit but it's been so long since we have done that I feel a bit uncomfortable for some reason, I couldn't really say why.

So. There's this other guy, someone I fancied before I met DH. We exchanged flirty emails at the time but he was very senior in the company I worked at and it wouldn't have gone down well if we had got together, so we didn't. Not a big deal, I moved on!

I met DH, fell in love, moved out of the city and had babies. Out of the blue I got an email from this other guy, when I was pregnant with our second, to which I responded and it quickly became flirty. I said I wasn't interested any longer and shut it down.

Fast forward another few years and it's the first lockdown, this time I emailed him, purely because I was bored, and was wondering what it was like in the city during lockdown (and I guess because I wanted some attention if I'm being honest!) we chatted for a few weeks like friends then it became flirty, then dirty, and eventually pretty filthy with us describing what we would like to do to each other which was most definitely not easy, safe love making.

This has now been going on, very on and off (mostly off), for almost 4 years. We have NOT met up and I tell myself I have no intention to. In fact every time it ends with him practically begging to meet him, and I refuse and stop the emails. But one of us always starts it up again a few months later.

I've never thought I would cheat on DH. And yes, I get this is a form of cheating (and yes, I would be SO MAD if the situation was ever reversed). But never thought I would physically cheat. I love him and life is good, as is the sex, when we do it. But when the emails are going with this guy, my god it really puts me in the mood and DH doesn't know what's hit him! I'm digging out sexy stuff I haven't worn for years and really going for it, way more often than usual. DH doesn't have a clue why, we laugh it off as a surge of hormones.

Part of me just wants to meet up with this guy and fuck him to get him out of my system, then stop it for good and stop feeling guilty about the emails, because I really do feel guilty. But I don't seem to be able to stop and not sure I will, if I never see him.

But then if I do I've crossed a line I can never return from. I'm not sure if I will regret it or not. Should I keep him a fantasy or just go for it? I think there's more chance of DH finding out about the emails, because they are frequent, than there would be if I just met him the one time.

For context, he's also in a relationship and has a young child and I know he doesn't want out of that, it would purely be for a long awaited mind blowing fuck. There's no chance of any bunny boiler shit from either side.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

I could not act on this and meet him. I would stop the e mails and see if I could recreate some of the things with ur husband. The guilt would eat away st you I would imagine.

But how do you know going through with it would ‘get it out your system’? I really don’t want to come off as judge but I’m Seems to me you need to focus more on your sex life with your husband if you feel the need to seek excitement elsewhere.

I wouldn't do it. I agree with first poster that the guilt will eat away at you. If you're at the point of cheating, either leave him or really focus on making it work and block the other man.

I left him. He insisted as he hadn't done anything physical, he wasn't cheating. I disagreed. I'm sure your husband would too if he knew what you'd done.

Don't meet this man. Stop emailing. Delete and block. Unless you want to end your marriage, as I'm sure your husband will find out in time.

I found this article really helpful. My XH couldn't get used to finding joy in the ordinary. He got too much of a kick from his secret online life. I hope it helps you get yourself to a place where you end your online life once and for all.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/feb/14/how-to-keep-love-alive-when-partner-unfaithful-cheated

You assume the sex with him will be good.
Some things are best kept as a fantasy.

Probably best to keep as a fantasy

I had a man that I was messaging for ages years ago, seriously hot, very sexual messages. Couldn't wait to meet for the best sex of our lives. This went in for a few weeks and then when we finally met it was possibly some of the worst sex I've ever experienced. Really awkward, no chemistry, very disappointing for both of us

I know you are all right. Here I am awake at 3.30am because I feel so guilty that I've written this post, because I feel like it's a step closer to doing it. I haven't slept all night. The guilt would kill me if I actually went through with it.

Yet whenever I stop the emails it makes me really sad, it feels like a break up which is ridiculous when it's been 13 years since I even saw him last! He's like a drug that I can't stop taking even though I know it's bad for me.

He's like a drug that I can't stop taking even though I know it's bad for me.

🙄 ffs, he’s not like a drug, you’re just a cheater looking to excuse your behaviour by saying it couldn’t be helped.

I hope your husband finds out what you have been doing and gets to decide if he wants to be with you when presented with who you really are. Poor bloke.

It would be a huge risk to take it further. As pp above says it could be awful sex, suppose he now likes it really rough or violent. Suppose he wants to film you.
Even worse, you both fall madly in love for each other and split two families.
You would NOT be in control if you do any more. Please tell us there is no video record of what has happened so far.
Keep on fucking your man till your brains rattle.

Have you been cheated on? I have.
It hurts, it's humiliating and was the end of the relationship.
You have kids. Grow up.

I didn't mean it in that way, I'm not trying to excuse anything, I know what I'm doing is wrong. Just trying to explain why I find it difficult to stop.

The scenario you imagine ('get it out of my system') won't happen. Not least because you've shown by your messages that you have an obsessive personality type. The reference to drugs reinforces that.

In the real world, there are three possible outcomes:

1. You have sex with him, instantly regret it, and are tormented by guilt for years to come.
2. You have sex with him, and it seems wonderful. You become even more obsessed than you are at present. Your marriage and family are ripped apart, along with your reputation and other areas of life. And the fling itself will almost certainly end anyway.
3. You break it off with the other man, decisively and finally.

Seriously, it's one of these three.

No, I haven't.
Thank you. It's posts like yours that I need to hear! Although part of me is looking for some sort of understanding I do need this as well to make it hit home that I need to stop.

Yes, I've even said this to him myself. We agreed that 3 is what needs to happen. We stopped for a bit, then one of us started it up again (I can't even remember who, sometimes it's me, sometimes it's him). I guess blocking his email is the only way to stop it completely (we don't have each others' phone numbers).

If you're motivated to have good sex, that's an opportunity to invest in your marriage, assuming that's in a good enough place.
Sounds like an ideal time to go to a sex therapist with your DH.
In my youth, I've been on both sides of illicit relationships and they don't end well for anyone.

The problem is you won’t fuck him and ‘get it out of your system ‘
it will probably be hot , and will morph into an affair

Don't potentially rip apart your children's lives for the sake of sex. You need to decide if you're done with your husband if you are that's fine but deal with that first before potentially risking a nasty break up. To even be considering doing this I think you're done with your husband.

I'll go out on a limb here and say meet him and fuck each other out of your system. I have and it has got it out of both our systems.

But not behind your husbands back, don't make a fool out of the guy.

It sounds strange but my ex would have (and did) encourage me to do this, my current DH is a 'maybe' so for that reason alone I wouldn't unless he was part of the decision.

It sounds like you want the benefit of an open marriage without actually having one.

Yes
OP I’m not judging , but I feel like you need to do a very robust risk assessment here

I don’t think you have factored in the fact that fuxking this guy could cause alot of shit and a lot of mental health risk for the whole family

I see adults who are STILL processing this happening to their family as kids …. What if your husband found out and had a breakdown ? For example

By chance, I heard the expression 'You regret more the things you don't do in life, rather than the things you do do' several times yesterday in different contexts - I'd heard it before, obviously. So there’s that. And sex with different people is different.

But I guess it comes down to how likely it is you can 1) put the guilt out of your mind enough to enjoy sex with the guy when you're there together in the hotel room, 2) live with the guilt afterward - it overwhelms some people to the extent that they have to fess up to their partners; 3) if the sex is great and is anywhere near your fantasies, not give in to the temptation to carry it on longer term as, at that point, it will almost certainly undermine your marriage – one-off deception isn’t that practically difficult, repeated deceiving – lying - is (well-known quote, not from Shakespeare).

I’ve known people, men and women, who have routinely had one night stands and flings outside of marriage without their partner knowing – at least that was the appearance. But generally they were pragmatic and/or cynical people and I had the impression, I didn’t know, only really thinking about it now, that their marriages were amicable but passionless, sexless. In one case, the husband worked away for stretches of the year and the wife hooked up with generally younger men from time to time. What he got up to I don’t know, probably pretty much the same with women. So in that respect, your situation sounds different from theirs. Also, you don’t sound like a cynical person.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all the comments, both judgemental and non-judgemental, I think I needed to hear them all. Just writing it all down has helped a bit rather than be stuck in the excitement of "when will I next get a chance to email him".

The fact that I barely slept a wink last night because the whole thing is so much on my mind, tells me I couldn't live with the guilt if I ever met him. I can't do that to DH, he's amazing and deserves way better than me, and I'm going to be the wife he deserves from now on.

Thank you all for making me see sense.

Don't bear yourself up. Any counsellor will tell you it's the behaviour that's the problem, not the person. And lots of us have been in similar places. It's where we choose to go next that makes the difference. ❤️

Thank you so much

He's not the amazing guy you think he is in your fantasy. You're absolutely projecting your needs and desires onto this man. That's why it's so addictive - you're playing out in your mind how it will all unfold, how fantastic the sex will be, how much you want each other. But it's all in your head. It's not real. It's just words in a text message.

Here's a reality check for you. If you keep messaging each other, you'll keep fuelling the fire. Eventually you'll meet up and have sex with him. If it's crap, you'll be hugely disappointed. If it's great, you'll want to do it again. Either way, you'll feel guilty about cheating on your husband. If you see him repeatedly, it'll become an emotional affair and, sooner or later, DH will find out and be devastated. Or you'll try to end the affair but it will be much more difficult.

I know it's hard when you're in limerence but you know deep down there's no future with this guy. Put your big girl pants on and walk away whilst you've still got a shred of self-respect left. Then work on your marriage, even if that means finding an amicable way to end it.

.... exactly what @PinotPony says, especially the last bit....
"Then work on your marriage, even if that means finding an amicable way to end it."