Should I keep him a fantasy or do it to get him out of my system

[Cantstopthinkingaboutit4years]

Ok. Here goes. I'm sure I will get slated but the sex chat seems the most understanding of these things.

I've been married 10 years, happily for the most part, with 2 kids, 8 and 6. DH is wonderful, we had parenting differences when the kids were really small but apart from that he is pretty great. Our sex life has been up and down, after having our second baby I lost interest hugely and would have to force myself to sleep with him. It's never been anything to do with him (not fancying him etc), purely tiredness. He was patient with me but did like to discuss the lack of sex a lot which I found harder as it felt like I was being forced.

Anyway, my urges came back a bit but ever since then it's been safe, easy, love making. Not that I mind this. I know he would probably like to spice it up a bit but it's been so long since we have done that I feel a bit uncomfortable for some reason, I couldn't really say why.

So. There's this other guy, someone I fancied before I met DH. We exchanged flirty emails at the time but he was very senior in the company I worked at and it wouldn't have gone down well if we had got together, so we didn't. Not a big deal, I moved on!

I met DH, fell in love, moved out of the city and had babies. Out of the blue I got an email from this other guy, when I was pregnant with our second, to which I responded and it quickly became flirty. I said I wasn't interested any longer and shut it down.

Fast forward another few years and it's the first lockdown, this time I emailed him, purely because I was bored, and was wondering what it was like in the city during lockdown (and I guess because I wanted some attention if I'm being honest!) we chatted for a few weeks like friends then it became flirty, then dirty, and eventually pretty filthy with us describing what we would like to do to each other which was most definitely not easy, safe love making.

This has now been going on, very on and off (mostly off), for almost 4 years. We have NOT met up and I tell myself I have no intention to. In fact every time it ends with him practically begging to meet him, and I refuse and stop the emails. But one of us always starts it up again a few months later.

I've never thought I would cheat on DH. And yes, I get this is a form of cheating (and yes, I would be SO MAD if the situation was ever reversed). But never thought I would physically cheat. I love him and life is good, as is the sex, when we do it. But when the emails are going with this guy, my god it really puts me in the mood and DH doesn't know what's hit him! I'm digging out sexy stuff I haven't worn for years and really going for it, way more often than usual. DH doesn't have a clue why, we laugh it off as a surge of hormones.

Part of me just wants to meet up with this guy and fuck him to get him out of my system, then stop it for good and stop feeling guilty about the emails, because I really do feel guilty. But I don't seem to be able to stop and not sure I will, if I never see him.

But then if I do I've crossed a line I can never return from. I'm not sure if I will regret it or not. Should I keep him a fantasy or just go for it? I think there's more chance of DH finding out about the emails, because they are frequent, than there would be if I just met him the one time.

For context, he's also in a relationship and has a young child and I know he doesn't want out of that, it would purely be for a long awaited mind blowing fuck. There's no chance of any bunny boiler shit from either side.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

You're human OP and in the throes of an addiction. The only way to break that addiction is to go cold turkey. Break off all contact for good and never go back.

This is excruciatingly hard to do, of course. But one drink can start a spiral that kills an alcoholic. For the sake of your sanity, quite apart from anything else, you need to stop "drinking" today.

I have been where you are and my god it is so, so difficult at the start. You need to choose something positive to do instead of opening your emails. Exercise, singing, art, sport, playing with your kids - whatever. Grit your teeth and push through when the urge rears its head. Push through even though you feel desperate. Keep pushing through and it'll get easier.

Time and distance are key. As you get further and further away from your last contact with him, the emotions will fade, until ultimately there's nothing left. I never, ever believed that would be the case for me - but it is.

I can't tell you how liberating it is to be free of the addiction and to be at peace with myself and able to sleep well at night. You will get there OP. You can do this.

Thank you so much for a lovely post. I can relate so much as I've done the hard part before - we weren't in contact for much of last year, and although it was hard to begin with, it did get easier quite quickly - but I never actually blocked him so when he did get back in touch, it started up again (despite me telling myself it wouldn't!)

So I know I can do it. It just makes me a bit sad like it's a break up, which probably sounds quite pathetic, but I think it's the fact that I once wanted him and never got him (so I guess he's kind of "the one who got away") and now it's being laid out to me on a plate if I want it, plus the build up of so much sexual tension over the messages, it just makes it difficult to stop. But I had another sleepless night last night over it so I need to do it before it makes me ill and before DH realises something is going on.

You said you've been in this position - did you ever actually meet up? Or did you block him completely so that contact couldn't happen?

I was in a similar position to you. I did meet him after months of continuous chatting and we did have sex in a hotel.
We still chat but we realised that anything more would jeopardise and complicate things.

Did it affect your marriage or how you saw your DH?

Wow, how did you feel afterwards? Did your DH/partner ever know about it? Did you regret it?
So many questions!

I commented upthread, but I can relate to you OP.

Mine was cliche in that he was my tradesman. God the lust I had for him was insane. The mutual attraction was there, I looked forward to seeing him, and I knew all I had to say, was yes, and I could fuck him. I desperately wanted to!

Reality was, he was married with kids, I was married to a thoroughly decent man. We were having a rough patch (again cliche), but the only thing that stopped me, was if it came out, it would ruin my business, which in a small town, would be devastating, and I could be in trouble professionally.

Nothing happened. I cancelled the 2nd part of the job to distance myself. Worked on things with DH. Didn't mean I no longer wanted him, on the contrary, I dreamt about him all the time. I fantasised about him.

Eventually it died down. I even told DH I had contemplated an affair. Didn't say who with, but DH said he has felt it. Even though I felt I was being careful and normal, he said he had a feeling something was up. I hate that I hurt DH.

Thank you for your post. Good to hear it died down eventually after you distanced yourself, and you told DH you had contemplated it. I don't think I would be so brave! Did you find he lost some trust in you after you admitted that?

Yes he did, and TBH, I deserved that and more.
DH didn't enter my mind about being caught, it was the professional damage. I was bloody selfish. I'm surprised he didn't leave me, and maybe he should have.

It took ages to die down. I cancelled the 2nd job because I was going to do it, and the only way to stop it, was remove the temptation. Didn't stop me from looking out for him when out and about in my hometown. Or walking past his depot when I was out with the dogs.

So every time you put a stop to the emails and decide never again - you always end up back there again. So I can tell you now that if you shag him then you will 100% be back there again no matter how much you deceive yourself that it's just to 'get it out of your system'. Are you really naive enough to think that?

I can also tell you exactly why you're doing this. You're doing it for the attention. You're basically one very big attention seeker and an entitled one at that - because you're be seriously pissed off if your DH did what you're doing. But it's ok for you right?

So you need to do your husband a huge favour and tell him that you've been sexting someone else - for years. Hopefully he'll dump your ass as fast as he can and find someone decent to spend his life with, poor man.

You started a conversation with this bloke because you craved attention and to be sexually desired. Good for you.
Go for it, your bloke is clearly not appreciative of your body and desires

We had a good time, it felt natural and I felt desired, it’s difficult knowing I won’t experience that level of desire again.
He doesn’t know about it.
I don’t regret it but I do regret that my decision to do something could and may have consequences for someone I’ve chosen to share my life with.

My advice is don't cheat despite temptation to get it out of your system. You will just end up being consumed by guilt and if caught the wreckage of your marriage. I know as I cheated many meany years ago in a relationship. Yes the sex was mind blowing. Jeez he did things to me I never countenanced and it encouraged me to reciprocate, but the guilt was just awful. It forced me to end the LT relationship and he didn't understand.

What you describe is that you have recreated some with your DH just from the thrill of fantasy so perhaps try this more slowly either way him .

The reason you’re doing this is because there is something lacking in you/your current household/relationship. Put energy into that not the sex toy.
To make yourself feel really good/give yourself the ultimate high, just stop messaging and cut ties. You’re already playing with fire pretty selfishly.

yes Ive been in your situation and did end up acting upon it. in my case the fantasy was better than the actual reality and the sex was very mediocre although it did turn into a short affair between us. which in turn destroyed my very long term relationship with dp. I'd say don't go there just enjoy the fantasy in your head and let's face it, its that fantasy that is spicing up sex with your dh. please just keep it as that.

Likewise! Years ago I was msging a guy who just had me gagging with every msg . His sense of humour , his cheekiness . We met up and I swear I could've had sex with him there and then in the bar , the chemistry was electric ...

We went to bed and I've never felt so underwhelmed with sex in my life. I totally faked it , it was crap . Next day was awkward and we got up and left the hotel and I just felt so let down coz I had built it up in my head to be so amazing.

I would focus on making sex with your husband better. More communication with him . Tell him what you want. Book a dirty weekend away to reconnect if you can.

Honestly , it's not worth it cheating on your husband.

There’s no guarantee the sex would be any good, especially after actual years of build up. I would absolutely not risk your marriage over what could be incredibly mediocre if not bad sex!

I blocked him completely. I actually did it because of what I'd read on MN about emotional affairs and realised I was having one (our communication was emotional as well as sexual), which shocked me tbh.

I realised that absolutely everything I held dear (primarily my kids' happy childhood and stability) was at risk if I didn't knock it on the head.

Many many times I reached for my phone and felt desperate to text him - but I didn't. I also read that "the one who steps away has the power". This was my mantra - I wanted to take back control of my life and no longer be at the beck and call of the addiction.

Once the strong desire and emotions had faded (it took time, but they did) the relief was, and is, overwhelming.

You are not a bad person OP. Your sleepless nights prove this. You are human and we are all fallible. But you can do this. You can. It can be over for good, today. All the best.

What makes you so sure you could just do it once and then have him out of your system forever?

If your relationship and sex life is good with your husband then don't do it, Try to forget about it and delete all emails before you get found out.

If your liking the emails and it's exciting you in a sexual way, how about do sex text or emails with your husband? it may bring a real bit of spice into your relationship.

Keep it as a fantasy, there is nothing wrong with fantasy.

But if you keep emailing him you are risking destroying your relationship. Meeting up, let alone having sex with him is a line crossed that can never be undone. If your partner found out about that i suspect trust would completely evaporate, and trust is the cornerstone of relationships.

It's just not worth it. Sometimes you just can't have your cake and eat it - unless you like risking everything for no longterm gains.

From some of the things you say it sounds less like you don’t know what you want to do and more like you know exactly what you want but you don’t know how to justify it to yourself.

We all have our ‘one that got away’. I ran into mine a few years ago and it was a very confusing experience. Someone I was crazy over but never got to have. It can really mess with your head. Either way there are going to be regrets so just be sure that whatever your decide its something that you can live with.