Hand on my neck.... Red flag?

[DippingAToeIn]

Last week I slept with a guy for the first time. It was really good, he took control but not in a forceful way. I had a really good time, but while I was on top he put his hand on my throat. He didn't choke me but he did press/put pressure on. I was able to move his hand away and he did try it again but it made me feel uncomfortable... Am I overreacting or could this be a red flag?

You’re not overreacting at all. If you don’t like something, you don’t like something. Things like this should really be discussed prior but I guess some people can get caught up in the moment.

Did you say anything afterwards? I would have just let him know that I didn’t like him putting his hands on my neck and not to do it again. I wouldn’t make it a big deal but would make a passing comment. If he did it again then I’d just drop him. If someone doesn’t listen to your feelings then they’re not the one for you, especially with something as vulnerable as sex

Why didnt you say, 'please don't do that', at the time? You are in charge of yourself. It's ok to say it's not ok.
I guess you need to talk with him about it.

I don't know why I didn't ask him not to do it. I guess I wasn't sure if he was just putting his hand there without really thinking about it, or if it was intentional, so I just moved his hand. I did tell him beforehand I was not into anything rough at all which he was fine with. I'm probably overthinking now that he might have a secret choking fetish. I will definitely talk to him about it before doing it again. On reflection I'm not sure why I posted on here, but thank you both x

It's more common than you think. An ex loved rough sex, she would want it quite rough with slapping and I did struggle a bit with that, not being hard enough. She also wanted me to hold her neck, again I tried it but did not feel at all comfortable with it, although she loved it. But for me, anything BDSM MUST be discussed first with a traffic light system in place, never done spur of the moment.

I would certainly raise it as an issue with him but the fact he put his hand back after is a red flag

People with healthy attitudes towards sex would discuss this before sex or at least ask during before doing it. The fact that he did it with no discussion, especially after you stated what you had, is a massive red flag. Doing it again after you removed his hand is even more concerning. He doesn’t respect your boundaries. Dump!

A red flag for what exactly? Strangling you to death? I think your post is misleading. If he likes to put his hand on a womens throat that's not a red flag at all. It's his sexual preference which is different to yours.
Is it a red flag that you moved his hand and he put it back later? That's possible but nobody can really say as we weren't there and context is everything. Did you move it whilst changing positions or put his hand elsewhere? That's not really indicating very clearly that you don't like it. If you didn't give any vocal indication not to do it, it's hard to say if he actually realised you didn't like it. He may have done it out of habit if that's what a previous sexual partner liked.
If he really made you that uncomfortable then obviously don't see him again. If you'd like to see him again then you need to have an honest conversation about it and see how he reacts.

If he likes to put his hand on a womens throat that's not a red flag at all. It's his sexual preference which is different to yours.

Doing something like that without having consent is a huge red flag. It’s concerning that you don’t realise that. Agreeing to have sex is not agreeing to have someone press/put pressure on your neck. Someone needs a lesson on consent.

Doing something like that without having consent is a huge red flag. It’s concerning that you don’t realise that. Agreeing to have sex is not agreeing to have someone press/put pressure on your neck. Someone needs a lesson on consent.

Agree.

Disgusting post by BensBounty. Consent is important, anyone that doesn’t understand that is potentially very dangerous.

I'm sorry if my post was misleading. On reflection I think I posted because I knew that for me this was a red flag, and having some confirmation of that was helpful. This is the first person I've slept with since coming out of my 20 year marriage. Due to the dynamic of the marriage I find it hard to talk about my own needs, but I really tried to assert my boundary this time before we did anything. I think I've got some work to do on myself because I even hesitated about moving his hand away- maybe it was fear of rejection, I don't know. Before I was married I very much used sex because I was seeking care and attention, and men often took advantage of that, and I would let them do anything really. It makes me sad to think of that young woman with so little self worth :(

I felt quite liberated by choosing to sleep with this guy, because I actually wanted it and it felt like an empowered choice. Now I'm a bit worried that now, even as a woman in my 40s, I still have a tendency to let people trample my boundaries and to potentially allow myself to be pressured into something I don't want.

Sorry for the long ramble. Some therapy is on the cards I think....

OP, we are similar ages. I think this is a no-no. It is controlling. You made a liberated choice but that liberation also means that you don’t have to go with him again.

Forget the past, the 40 something you is empowered. Go out there, enjoy sex on your terms; your body, your rules. In the words of my late mother “if something isn’t making you feel nice, stop doing it”.

I think it’s important to have a little conversation before sex for the first time with someone. Other things include personal dislikes, expectations, condoms, oral etc.

I’ve been criticised on here for saying the above before, but personal safety and sexual health are important.

@DippingAToeIn

Now I'm a bit worried that now, even as a woman in my 40s, I still have a tendency to let people trample my boundaries and to potentially allow myself to be pressured into something I don't want.

Yes, that’s not good BUT it’s a real positive that you are aware that this is an issue, so I think you’ll be able to get better at dealing with these people in future.

Therapy could really help you to recognise why you have allowed it, with ways to stop yourself allowing it and with having confidence in your boundaries. Just ignore people like Ben who have no idea. 😉

Yes ignore me. I'm just a clueless asshole 😉

He was very wrong to do this OP and it should have been talked about beforehand by him if it’s something he likes to do, to establish whether it was ok with you.

Applying pressure to the throat isn’t a part of sex like just touching, so Bensbountys argument is ridiculous and worrying, another that seems like a walking red flag and I agree to ignore that poster completely.

Therapy sounds like a good idea for you after your marriage and the dynamic you mention. It’ll help you unpick your feelings and give you ways to move forward with confidence. Very best of luck. There a good men out there who will respect your boundaries.

It’s only a red flag if you move his hand and he does it again or you have a chat, say you don’t like it and he does it again. I personally like it as does my other half who did it to me first without asking. It isn’t a red flag, just a preference. You cannot interviewing one another and cover everything off before having sex, he should read your response and vice versa.

I'm looking at it from the guys pov. He touched her throat during sex. She didn't say no or stop. Now she's upset and he's being accused of things. Maybe he's a violent prick with no respect for women. Or maybe it's all a massive understanding and he'd be completely mortified to hear all this being said about him. They both should have had a chat before sex and both need to be able to say stop. One person's kink is another person's vanilla so he may not have thought he was doing anything wrong. Not having a conversation first is on both of them and being able to say no and stop is something the op needs to be confident with before having sex.

Argh, I didn't want to create a big debate or argument about this. I actually agree with parts of everything said here. When I questioned it being a red flag, in hindsight I think it was own response to the situation that concerned me most.

@mon@MondayMorningNameChangeTime thank you for your response. I do agree partly with @BensBounty that the guy didn't try to choke me against my will - it was just a move that made me uncomfortable and didn't feel like a natural thing to do. We actually did have a chat before sex, and yes @Manvice you're right that we can't agree on every single eventuality beforehand.
I could have been more vocal about my dislike of having my neck touched in that way, and I realise now that part of the reason I posted was because I was confused about why I didn't. I hope that I would be if there's ever a next time.

@StarlightLady thank you so much. I needed to hear this. I need to remember that I did assert other boundaries, so I'm not the clueless young woman I used to be. E.g. he wanted to go without a condom (I know, I know) and I was very clear that it was a no-go for me.

Will definitely pursue a bit of therapy to explore some of this further. Thank you for all your responses.

You told him before sex that you were not into anything rough. I think something like putting pressure on your throat should always be discussed first, but even more so after what you had said.

He didn’t ask and either didn’t listen to what you had said, decided to ignore you or is too thick to realise that pressure on the throat would be classified as ‘rough’ to many people.
Either way, I don’t think this man is a good one.

Yes to therapy after a marriage that has left you feeling like you can’t advocate for yourself. You need to be able to do so as you are left vulnerable. Ignore the bloke defending this, there are always some like that on here. 🙄

Glad to hear you’re definitely going to get therapy. I think you’ll realise just how awful opinions like BensBounty are afterwards. Once you see it, you can’t un see it. Best of luck. 💐

Thank you 🙏 it feels confusing and I'm questioning myself a lot. It's frustrating to have gone from feeling strong and liberated to disempowered and weak now. I paint myself as a feminist in my 'real' life and I feel like I've let the side down now! I'm annoyed with myself for not being true to my feelings about it in the moment. It's not all on him though - I do think if I made my feelings clear about it in the future he wouldn't try it again.
Yes, therapy for sure will be useful.

It’s a sexual act a lot of people are into (including me 😳). You should just tell him that you’re not into that. If he does it again after you e made your boundaries clear then dump and move on.

Agree with others that it’s a red flag, he’s ignored what you said. Don’t put up with it.

Glad to hear you’re definitely going to get therapy. I think you’ll realise just how awful opinions like BensBounty are afterwards. Once you see it, you can’t un see it.

Yes, this!

So he should be accused of things. Putting your hand round a woman's throat is a threat of violence. The fact it's done during sex when they haven't long known each other is a huge red flag. She obviously felt vulnerable or she wouldn't even be posting on here. So therfore he shouldn't have done it.
Maybe some people like it and whether they want to take the risk with a new person is up to them. But to do it without a conversation first is wrong. It's not comparable to her touching his balls, back or chest. If you think it is you are deluded and I strongly suggest you reevaluate your morals before you have sex with another woman. Listen to the women's opinions on here. If it was all fine and dandy then so would we be. But we're not. So the question is Ben, why would you put a woman in that precarious position, hmm? When all it takes is a conversation?

Yes ignore me. I'm just a clueless asshole

You said it.

I’d say clueless amongst other more concerning things.

Listen to the women's opinions on here

I've read them. I have a different opinion. It doesn't make me wrong. It means I have a different opinion. You can tell me I'm wrong all you like. You can believe you're 100% right. It doesn't bother me. I don't disagree with everything others have said. He made the op uncomfortable and that's not okay. I don't happen to think touching a woman's throat during sex is a massive red flag. Others think it is. Different opinions.