Hand on my neck.... Red flag?

[DippingAToeIn]

Last week I slept with a guy for the first time. It was really good, he took control but not in a forceful way. I had a really good time, but while I was on top he put his hand on my throat. He didn't choke me but he did press/put pressure on. I was able to move his hand away and he did try it again but it made me feel uncomfortable... Am I overreacting or could this be a red flag?

There’s some very frightening men out there, some of them are on mumsnet. Thankfully women (and the good men) point these things out and support those like OP. Hope you’re doing ok OP.

You are not overreacting OP. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Doing what he did with a new partner without consent is a red flag. You had spoken to him and he chose to ignore you.

I think therapy will help you gain confidence to trust yourself instincts and be firm with your boundaries.

I think bensbounty could do with some lessons on consent and respecting women. I’d get deleted if I gave my opinion on him. It’s so important that you are assertive when you may come in contact with men like him and the one you’re involved with.

I don’t think men should be doing this without agreement. Only one guy I have had sex with did this, first time I wasn’t sure if he intended to do that as he just hand his hand near my throat, but then the time after he definitely grabbed my throat and I did move his hand when I felt that it was a bit much. I wouldn’t say I hated it but only because I knew him already and felt I could trust he wasn’t going to hurt me. Someone I didn’t know absolutely no way, I would be scared. He did continue to do it most times we had sex and he was definitely much rougher than anyone else I’ve had sex with. I did enjoy it to a certain extent but only because I knew if I asked him to stop he would. He was a big porn viewer and all his moves come straight out of a porn video for sure.

I agree that this is something that should be discussed first.

Being generous and assuming it were a spur of the moment move, he should not have attempted it again once you moved his hand away. That's the real red flag to me, not him doing it initially.

There's a big difference between touching someone's neck and choking them. The latter is not something you do accidentally. It's also not something you do the first time you sleep with them (at least not unless it's been discussed thoroughly beforehand). But to try it again a second time after the victim has moved your hands away is beyond doubt for anyone a red flag. That was her removing consent in a physical way - it doesn't have to be spoken word, just like it doesn't have to be written down.

It would be very clear to anyone who's gives the slightest toss about the satisfaction and wellbeing of their sexual partner, that they didn't want this to continue. So someone who ignores those signals is at best a selfish lover, and probably a sexual abuser. Anyone who doesn't see it as a red flag is showing their own red flag.

@BensBounty He pressed and applied pressure. If you had healthy boundaries and respect for your partners, you would realise that you don’t do that without getting consent. Your attitude says all we need to know about you, 🚩 🚩 🚩

I have a different opinion. It doesn't make me wrong.

Most posters here disagree with you and now mumsnet have deleted your posts where you expressed your ‘interesting’ opinions so.....

Well done mumsnet. 👏 😊

Hoping you are still reading OP. Take note of mumsnet deleting posts like Bens.

I am still lurking and reading, and I'm noting that those posts have been deleted. It made me a bit tearful actually- it's been hard to realise I'm not as strong as I thought 😞
But I'm learning from this, and all of your comments were very validating so thank you xx

OP. 💐

I think you strong. You have come through what sounds like a difficult marriage which made you not prioritise your feelings/needs, and despite this, you did speak up. You told him you didn’t want anything rough and you moved his hand. Yes, you had a wobble and doubted yourself, but you knew deep down that something wasn’t right because you posted and asked.

I think with your own thoughts on this experience, reading the majority of comments validating your thoughts here and some therapy, you will get even stronger and able to be more confident.

Its important that opinions from men like BensBounty are challenged and deleted because they are damaging to women who, often due to past experiences, may end up continuing in bad relationships having listened to the harmful things said and thinking this sort of behaviour is fine. It’s not.

Remember that not everyone on mumsnet wants to empower women and some people have very different agendas.

I like it personally but….absolutely no if someone does not ask me beforehand (pre sex or during) if they can do it. In my opinion no hand should go on someone’s neck without consent. The fact you moved it and he did it again no respect for you

I like breath play, but as with any kink I would expect a conversation beforehand to consent. It is risky, I've had one nearly go wrong, and I only now do it with the partners who I attended a breath play workshop with. Doing it out of nowhere is a big red flag for me.