DH doesn’t care about sex being fun

[icantgetn0]

I am just so frustrated with DH and can’t believe I am in this situation.

I’ve always enjoyed sex and before DH had many lovers, most of whom were fantastic! Eager to experiment and good communicators who could express their turn ons and who loved turning me on. I’m very open to trying everything and learning with a partner how to turn them on.

DH and I have been together 8 years and he has anxiety and is unmedicated.

He has never been that into sex and only enjoys penetration. He always make sure I orgasm, but it is the same old 4 minute routine every time: fingers, penetrate or perhaps penetrate then fingers. Every single time!

I love to experiment and want to try different things and more foreplay. But he just won’t communicate. I would do anything he wanted if he’d just tell me, but he says he just likes penetration.

We had a massive row earlier as I asked him to finger me a certain way, but he kept stopping. So after asking for him to continue for the 6th time and him stopping again I snapped and yelled that he wasn’t listening to me! I know I shouldn’t have shouted, but I am just so frustrated!

He refuses to discuss our sex life and I feel too young to live the rest of my life with rubbish boring sex.

What can I do to help the situation?
I love him so much, but I need sex to be fun and open, not silent and quick! Like it is something to get over with quickly!

What can I do?

Try putting yourself in his shoes - he likes sex a different way to you and you are shouting at him because of that, I’m surprised he still wants sex with you to be honest

But where is the compromise?

Like I said, I’m sorry I shouted as I was so frustrated.

stop having PIV sex , then reintroduce acts slowly and gradually build up

BUT : swap genders in your post and what would the responses be if a woman said her husband was shouting because she wouldn’t perform the sex acts he wanted 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely, the last part of this is what jumped out to me too.

If my partner asked me to do something once and I said no, that should be sufficient, not 6.

If you're really unhappy with things the way they are you need to decided whether it is a deal breaker for you.

You're a man, aren't you @nameForThis99?

I don't blame you for shouting @icantgetn0. He's demonstrating that he's just not that bothered about your pleasure.

If it were me, I'd refuse the PIV until he gets the message.

I am Bit sure I explained myself well, as don’t want to be too graphic!

So will use analogy:

He was happy to have sex and stroke my neck, but when asking him to stroke my back, he episodes for a scone or two then would stop and revert to neck, as neck is easier and less trouble for him.

What I was asking him to do was not something he didn’t consent to. It was just slightly more effort for him. So he was trying a different way he knew works; but required less effort.

@BIWI thank you, but if I withheld pic we’d never have sex!

Yes, I understand that - but PIV seems like it's just for his (swift) pleasure, so withholding it (even just for minutes) will ensure that he knows he has to do more for you and your enjoyment.

Yes I am ( not that it matters) , but the advice I gave was just the same and in reality 🤷‍♀️

stop having PIV sex , then reintroduce acts slowly and gradually build up

Doesn't matter whether if it's a man or a woman - if the other partner isn't making the effort then the frustration is understandable. A person doesn't have to do anything that they don't want to do - that is an absolute given but if the other partner is unhappy then they are entitled to express that.

Maybe he found it awkward or uncomfortable doing it the new way - did you ask him why he kept stopping?

He's not really bothered on sex and you like experimenting and are open to trying anything. To me you just sound sexually incompatible and it would have been a deal breaker long ago for me.

Why on earth were with him long enough to marry him!
you had lots of lovers and like to experiment, he has never been that bothered by sex.
you are totally sexually incompatible. I imagine you are both having crap sex.

You are incompatible. He doesn’t have to have sex in a way that he doesn’t want to- no matter how frustrating it is for you.
I am in a similar situation. You are entitled to have sex the way you want and so is he. You really have to comes to terms with that.

If he had always been like this how did you get past eight months together let alone eight years? He must have something going for him

He’s a wonderful man and so kind and generous. We have a great life together.

I don’t think he’s being selfish, I think it is anxiety that stops him relaxing in the bedroom and fully enjoying himself.

We made up last night and actually had a great evening and the sex was really good, so now I feel like I was being a drama queen yesterday!

Sorry OP but what you are saying here does not suggest he is a wonderful man and you are having a great time together.

He does not understand or seem to want to understand how a woman “works”. Wonderful men are not selfish in bed.

How was he before you were married?

I think if anxiety is at the root of the problem, he needs to try to sort that out as things won’t improve. Has he seen a GP and tried any therapy, medication or anything else in the past for the anxiety?

Obviously he shouldn’t do things he doesn’t consent to but as you have said ‘What I was asking him to do was not something he didn’t consent to. It was just slightly more effort for him.’, that is not the case here.

Any yelling at someone with anxiety while in bed , shows that he is probably Not having a great time either and the OP might well be the selfish person in bed …

I agree with @StarlightLady - he doesn't sound wonderful, and actually quite selfish, as he isn't prepared to do what you want.

I don’t - I think the OP is being selfish and unfairly treating her partner

I agree. The OP seems to think that he is there is service her needs. He’s not. Poor bloke.

You need to have a honest discussion outside the bedroom. Perhaps agree to try one new thing every few days, something that each of you likes. Discussing it beforehand will put less performance pressure during intimacy. Enjoying a one off night doesn't take away from the issue about lack of compatibility. Why is your partner reluctant to get help for anxiety? Surely it helps other aspects of his life too?

I don't think you should push him to adopt a communication style that suits only you but not him.
When he kept stopping doing what you asked, you should have interpreted this as him not wishing to do this action. Why didn't you interpret it like this, rather than a "can't be bothered". It's sex, not the washing up!

He didn't need to explain himself because the action of him stopping was enough. If you are a predominantly verbal communicator you may have preferred a reason, and a discussion, but to be honest people who consider themselves "open" communicators often are good with words, and sometimes can, even subconsciously, push for their own way by making the less able communicator feel unable to voice the reasons behind the desire to not do something.

You should be able to express your desires as you wish, but then leave your husband to either take or not take those desires into account while having sex. You can then decide whether it's important enough for you to make it a deal breaker. But you shouldn't pressure anyone.
There are a few things that I know my husband would like to do, or have done, but that I have no desire in doing. Once I've made myself clear, either in words or simply by not doing certain things I 'd be seriously pissed off if he were to constantly go on about them. I'm not up for them, and that's all there is to it.

With the exception of things that cause extreme pain, l’ve probably tried the majority of things that you can do in the bedroom. How do you know you won’t like something unless you try it out?

@StarlightLady
That's great for you, but when it comes to sex I don't believe that trying new things is anyway superior to not trying new things. It's equal and completely subjective. I wouldn't suggest to a gay person that they try heterosexual sex for instance and I think that if a consensual sexual act turns you on then great, as long as it's safe go for it. However I don't think that we need to "encourage" it, because it's not a contest where more sexual variation equals better sex, because it doesn't necessarily mean that, it depends on the people involved .