DH doesn’t care about sex being fun

[icantgetn0]

I am just so frustrated with DH and can’t believe I am in this situation.

I’ve always enjoyed sex and before DH had many lovers, most of whom were fantastic! Eager to experiment and good communicators who could express their turn ons and who loved turning me on. I’m very open to trying everything and learning with a partner how to turn them on.

DH and I have been together 8 years and he has anxiety and is unmedicated.

He has never been that into sex and only enjoys penetration. He always make sure I orgasm, but it is the same old 4 minute routine every time: fingers, penetrate or perhaps penetrate then fingers. Every single time!

I love to experiment and want to try different things and more foreplay. But he just won’t communicate. I would do anything he wanted if he’d just tell me, but he says he just likes penetration.

We had a massive row earlier as I asked him to finger me a certain way, but he kept stopping. So after asking for him to continue for the 6th time and him stopping again I snapped and yelled that he wasn’t listening to me! I know I shouldn’t have shouted, but I am just so frustrated!

He refuses to discuss our sex life and I feel too young to live the rest of my life with rubbish boring sex.

What can I do to help the situation?
I love him so much, but I need sex to be fun and open, not silent and quick! Like it is something to get over with quickly!

What can I do?

If I understand OP correctly she wasn't asking him to do something he wasn't already happy doing but asking for a change of technique to something that suited her better and wasn't just a race to the finish line!

It seems like he wanted to revert to what he knows works rather than being curious about OP. It's hard to know if it was a case of him thinking he knows better than OP what works or if he was anxious about trying and possibly failing at trying something new?

Perhaps he was taking the directions as a criticism instead of an opportunity to explore? We shouldn't have to tiptoe around men's egos but perhaps more gentle way of asking might be better received? 'it feels even better when you xxx' or 'can you try xxx' and if things aren't going well and frustration is creeping in, stop, dial it back down, go back to kissing and feeling a connection before you try again.

I agree @AltitudeCheck - it does sound like he's a bit 'wham bam thank you ma'am'! And that the OP's pleasure is secondary to his.

Clearly clarified. x

She didn't shout straight away. He kept on and on ignoring her needs.

He doesn’t want to do what she is asking though. Why should he have to do that?

Well, I think she wants a satisfying sex life, doesn't she? At the moment, it would appear it's all about what he wants and is prepared to do, and her needs don't get a look in.

AKA he's being selfish.

I love to experiment and want to try different things

Whatever the OP may or may to try does not automatically mean the OPs partner has agree to do those thing’s, he ( even though he is a he) , still has the right to say no to anything he wants

AKA she’s being selfish

There is a,to my mind, really selfish train of thought from some people on here that it is the man’s duty to do what his partner wants to satisfy her.
Sure- it would be great if you found a partner with whom you were sexually compatible and he wanted to give you the most amazing sex in the way that you wanted it.
Both partners having the sex that satisfies them is absolutely an ideal situation.
However, neither of them is obliged to do anything they don’t want to do.
If one half of the partnership is dissatisfied with the other, they can state their needs and wishes and hope their partner will be happy to try and meet these.
If the partner does not want to they are under no obligation to do so.
You might call them selfish etc etc, but it is their choice and it is then the other person’s choice to stay in the relationship or find someone who does meet their needs.
You don’t get to shout at your partner and demand they do x,y and z in bed.

@acpk55
Whatever the OP may or may to try does not automatically mean the OPs partner has agree to do those thing’s, he ( even though he is a he) , still has the right to say no to anything he wants

AKA she’s being selfish

If what the op wanted to do was outside the realms of what is generally considered normal sex then it's not being selfish. If the OP is literally saying having a penis shoved inside her until her partner comes is not good enough for her the. That's not selfish. What she is saying is he is doing nothing to satisfy her.

@BigButtons
i agree with you, and you have put it much better than I did.

There's a massive gap between 'wham bam, thank you ma'am' quick shove of a penis and swinging-from-the-chandeliers type of sex though, isn't there?

Just wanting your partner to do more than a quick bit of PIV isn't really asking for much, is it?

I agree, it would be selfish of the OP if she was demanding her partner should suddenly embrace all manner of kinks - but I don't think that's what's going on here. There should be some kind of compromise, and they should be aiming to meet in the middle. Or come in the middle perhaps!

If you feel it's down to anxiety and so he's not relaxing how about watching porn to get him/ you both into it or something he really likes and finds relaxing first before taking things further it may just relax him enough to get you both into it more and he may feel really turned on and surprise!

@flusterbluff don’t you see that it doesn’t matter AT ALL if all the bloke wants to do is have a shag and not cater to the needs or desires of his partner. He has the right to have the sex he wants to have . HOWEVER. No one is obliged to have that kind of sex with him if they don’t want to. No one is forcing the op to stay with a man who doesn’t/ will not meet her needs.
Most might consider men like this selfish and lazy. Maybe they are but it doesn’t matter.

If we don’t like the kind of sex we re having we can’t coerce someone into having sex that suits us better and suits them less.
What we need to do is firstly communicate and then if things don’t change to our satisfaction we have the choice to leave and find someone with whom we are better matched sexually .

In an ‘ideal’ world yes there should be compromise. Healthy relationships are about compromise and listening to the needs of your partner . However, no one has to do that and no one has to put up with a sex life they are unhappy with.
i would be more than happy to touch my partner in a diffeeent way if he asked me to- but that is me-that is my free choice.

@BigButtons i would be more than happy to touch my partner in a different way if he asked me to- but that is me-that is my free choice.
Then OPs partner should explain that he doesn't want to touch her in that way, but after she's clearly asked for 'A' and said she doesn't want 'B', simply ignoring her and doing 'B' because he feels like it isn't on either!