Incompatible?

[Creatingsacredspace]

Hi there,

Wondering if anyone has any advice please?

I'm just going to cut to the chase here..so look away now if you may find it a bit graphic or crude..

After quite a bit of foreplay, my long term partner seems to like penetration to be very, very slow…with a lot of stopping and starting..This does absolutely nothing for me sexually (except to make me incredibly frustrated and bad tempered with him). So he definitely does know how I feel about this. Once he pauses, that’s it for me, I’m back to square one as regards arousal and I don’t to want to continue. At all. Up until now I have continued, but just want it over with as quickly as possible, as I feel he’s ruined the whole experience for me. The last time I blurted out that I didn’t want to carry on and so we didn't. He told me I was being nasty to him! I did allow him to ejaculate over me so not sure what his problem was.

I am probably quite unusual as a woman, as I need penetration to be hard, fast and quick. Probably most men’s dream partner if I stop and think..And yet I have ended up with the one man who likes the complete opposite!

Is there any hope for this relationship?

He's afraid of finishing prematurely.

@SlightlyDifferent Thank you. That makes sense. I prefer penetration to be quick though..I hate that he thinks he knows what’s best for me based on what most other women want or need. I personally don’t need or want penetration to go on and on.. And especially don’t want it if the pace is that slow.. I was going to say it’s boring but it’s worse than that..

Agree with previous poster, he does this to make it last longer for him.
do you have an orgasm before PIV begins?

During

@acpk55 longer for him? That’s even worse than I though then..I had previously thought he was doing it for me! Which I don’t want anyway..but still..One time we were in the middle of sex and he suddenly jumped off me and said he had remembered he had agreed to meet his dad in the park (lockdown). And he wondered why I had an affair! The only time sex has been the kind I want and need was just after he found out about that! It was hard, fast and passionate but that was because he said he wanted to hurt me. (It didn’t hurt at all!)

@Creatingsacredspace
yeah I would think so, he might be edging to make it last longer for him
he might not like hard and fast, so you might not be particularly compatible in bed.

can you orgasm before PIV ? , would that help?

Well I guess he’s worked out its much easier to hurt you by making it slow and laborious.

if you had an affair why did you stay and him not chuck you out?

I’ve never needed that and prefer not to as then far too sensitive to be penetrated..If it was over relatively quickly I could bear it, but it goes on and on for what feels like hours at an incredibly slow pace! How he’s getting any stimulation out of it I don’t know! I’m thinking a man with premature ejaculation would probably be perfect for me. It wouldn’t be so bad if the rest of the relationship was fine..it’s such a shame as he is incredibly well endowed which would be great if he knew what to do with it! And it’s not a case of me only wanting sex on my terms, honestly it’s always on his terms and has been for years. To a certain extent it’s this way because in most positions it is the male partner in control of the pace etc. And I’ve told him all of this and he also knows I’ve had an affair and nothing changes..

@Wherearemymarbles its always been this way with him. I suppose the question is why I’m putting up with it.

The affair was incredibly complex. Ultimately he wouldn’t have made a good partner for me either, but he met a lot of my needs that had been left unmet for a long time.

My long term partner couldn’t throw me out as the house is mine. We have children together and have built a life together so wanted to try to make it work.

You need to tell your partner what you need sexually and be prepared to walk away from this if he doesn’t change. You’ve got your foot out of the door anyway, having had the affair.

As someone who had a partner with premature ejaculation I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. My ex used to cum as he entered me and it was so frustrating.

What happens if you simply tell him to fuck you hard and fast ?

do you ever go ontop to dictate the pace?

Tend to agree with this ^^, if you are not having the kind of sex you want 50% of the time

@Ippdippdoo thank you. We are going out this evening so I’m going to talk to him about this (he thinks we are going to be doing spreadsheets in the pub). I can’t see it changing though, he obviously likes a very slow pace so why would he change if you see what if I mean.

Sorry about the premature ejaculation, what you experienced definitely wouldn’t suit me, just meant that I wanted the penetration part to be a quickie! Going on an on at such a slow pace, well it doesn’t feel passionate..

The affair wasn’t so much about sex, my affair partner was very loving and affectionate, which is another need that isn’t being met with my long term partner.
Having said that, my affair partner always asked chow I wanted sex and didn’t just assume I wanted it the way he did. He was happy with whatever I wanted to be honest.

@acpk55 he tells me I’m nasty! He equates a hard, fast, quick fuck with being nasty! Hence why he did it to me like that on discovering my affair. I thought he was trying to win me back!

I have tumours in my knee which makes that position almost impossible.

@acpk55 50% of the time? He should be having the sex I want 100% of the time now as I’ve been doing it his way for years. To fill the gap it should be how I want it for the same number of years..Plus I’m no longer prepared to have the kind of sex he wants anymore, not even one more session, as just don’t enjoy that kind of sex. I’d rather use the time more productively, like sorting through some clutter or something..

TBH you might as well quit the relationship right now if you are planning to be just as selfish as he has been

@acpk55 I don’t think it’s selfish to refuse to have sex I don’t want! No one should do that, not even him! And he doesn’t have to, I’m just saying I won’t be doing it anymore and why. Plus I’ve gone along with the kind of sex he wants for years, so you can hardly call that selfish. But yes you have a point, perhaps the relationship has run its course so that’s good for thought..because in every area of the relationship I’m the one who has carried the load.

OP, one thing occurs to me: might he be having some sort of physical problem that makes him go slow? I'm thinking, tight foreskin. I've had that (circumcised now) & I know two blokes who also have it but are too scared to get it seen to - they're in denial, "it's not that bad" etc.

If it's not that (and even if it was, it's unfair of him not to mention it), and he simply refuses to change his technique in order to give you pleasure, then how breathtakingly selfish is that? Anyone should be delighted to be told how their partner likes sex. I would expect to be left if I behaved like that tbh.

@Plazzy thank you for replying. Anatomically fine! So definitely not that..

Ah. Sorry - because you seem to be faced with the conclusion that he's just looking after Number One. I genuinely don't understand his behaviour; there's such a lack of proper communication about sex, but he's lucky enough to be with someone who's telling him loud & clear what she needs, yet he prefers to act out a sort of monotonous preferred version of his own, without reference to his sexual partner. In effect, he's saying, "But you ought to like it like this." Sure, the consensus of heterosexual sex advice tends to be, men should slow down & give women more time for arousal, etc. But in the face of your clearly-expressed preference for something very different, he chooses to be sexually deaf. That must be so demoralising, I'm sorry OP.

The episode where he jumped up and ran off mid-sex to meet his dad struck me as totally weird - not to say rude - but perhaps revealing. What tf is going through this man's mind as he has sex with you? Not what you'd want, that's for sure.
Possibly not even sex.

@Plazzy yes I think part of the problem is his inflexibility of thought because the majority of advice given to men about women would not apply to me I’m guessing. But that’s ok because I’m telling him. And he asks me to tell him, and when I do he does the complete opposite! He does it in other areas of our life too eg when driving he might ask what route to take. If I say ‘go left’ he will invariably turn right! So then next time I either don’t answer him or just say ‘I don’t know’. When he asks why I am ignoring him I say because you do the opposite of what I say. And he says something a bit garbled about bouncing ideas off each other..So I guess sex isn’t the only issue. It’s definitely not the only issue. He definitely won’t want to have sex how I want it, I know that much (although he did for a short period of time after discovering my affair - angry sex?). After the last sex session I never want to do it like that again. I feel like it’s all about him and how he wants it. I know he’s capable of doing it how I want it as he has done for that short period. He just doesn’t want to unless extremely angry with me. He things sex the way I like it is ‘nasty’. My affair partner would ask me how I wanted it and not just assume that stuff he’s read applies to every woman..

@Plazzy The thing with his dad was utterly bizarre! I had no prior notice that he was meeting him for a socially distanced walk. Communication again I’m guessing. What seemed to have happened is that he initiated sex without allowing adequate time (bearing in mind sex with him goes on and on and on and is slow). So one minute we’re having sex and the next he abruptly jumps off and announces he has to go and meet his dad! I can’t tell you how hurtful this was, it was such a shock, I was dazed, humiliated, and absolutely fuming! This follows a theme where he has always prioritised his family over me, but this was on another level, I have never experienced anything like it. I said to him ‘and you wonder why I had an affair when you behave like this’ he said ‘I want to have sex with you later’ (like that was ever going to be an option!).

Oh Lord! He sounds as if he's not quite on the same planet. I can understand forgetting an arrangement; I can understand that the prospect and actuality of sex with the woman you've chosen to be with & who sexually excites you would be the cause of forgetting. But I can honestly say that never, once sex has begun, has my mind drifted onto anything else, certainly not something so mundane. If it ever did, I would be confused, embarrassed, baffled - what the hell is wrong with me? Surely, mid-sex, you're completely 'in the zone', giving, receiving, inquiring, suggesting?

Maybe the earliest posters were on the right track, in that all his delay is a fully deliberate act, but not, perhaps, to prevent premature ejaculation? Have you ever got any understandable reason out of him why he insists on this ritual - it sounds like a ritual - that is entirely focused on fulfilling needs of his own, and not at all on yours? You must feel so used; you can't continue a sexual relationship - any relationship? - with someone so self-centred.

But even that doesn't quite explain him, because even if he was 'in the zone' only for himself, you'd still expect it to rule out remembering an appointment, and even if the thought came unbidden, you'd still expect it to be dismissed in favour of the job at hand. How else can I put this? - even if I'm in the house on my own having a wank, I never think about anything else once 'me-time' has begun, and if the doorbell rings, I don't answer it. As far as I know, that's normal.

So I can't help but think that he's not always thinking about sex - even one-sided, selfish sex - during the act. I'm really sorry, OP, this must be so hurtful. But there must be a fairly profound sexual dysfunction going on with him. He's just incapable of genuinely 'seeing you' during sex. He needs to admit it & get help, or accept that you are justified in ending it. I hope you resolve this, and find the mutuality and pleasure you deserve.

After the “and you wonder why I had an affair “, comment , I would have end the relationship there and then, he must be pretty bloody thick skinned , or just thick

@Plazzy Thanks for your thoughtful reply. It is very hurtful when you spell something out to someone until you’re blue in the face and they still
carry on the same behaviours..There’s been lots of occasions when he has abruptly jumped off me, yes, you reminded me, when the postman was knocking (I didn’t even hear the knock at the door, so again was left startled and confused), when the morning alarm went off (sex came to an abrupt halt as it was time to get up). It feels absolutely horrible and I’ve lost count of the times I’ve told him so. He expects a lot of me sexually and I’ve said to him it would happen more often if it didn’t go on as long..(and if it didn’t lack passion! I didn’t say that). I mean, do women really want hours of slow sex? This woman doesn’t! It does absolutely nothing for me. I can’t bear it..
Yes, you are right in that it’s a ritual. It can only happen once a week, same day, same time. As regards feeling used..there is absolutely no physical affection except when he wants sex (on the only day, at the only time he will have it). So no kisses, no hand holding, no hugs, he doesn’t tell me how he feels about me (I actually have no idea!) On the day and time that he sets aside for sex he will cuddle me for a few seconds before sexual activity begins. He will try to kiss me but I can’t do that anymore. I just can’t. He will expect a good long oral sex session but will spend literally seconds touching me before moving onto something else..I think it’s giving me the ick. So it sort of feels like a marriage of convenience. It works on a day to day practical level, sorting the kids, animals, house out etc. We have shared interests, similar sense of humour etc. But because there isn’t any romance at all it feels like housemates/friends with benefits situation. Except he’s the only one benefiting it seems..and this is him trying to win me back from the arms of another man!