Incompatible?

[Creatingsacredspace]

Hi there,

Wondering if anyone has any advice please?

I'm just going to cut to the chase here..so look away now if you may find it a bit graphic or crude..

After quite a bit of foreplay, my long term partner seems to like penetration to be very, very slow…with a lot of stopping and starting..This does absolutely nothing for me sexually (except to make me incredibly frustrated and bad tempered with him). So he definitely does know how I feel about this. Once he pauses, that’s it for me, I’m back to square one as regards arousal and I don’t to want to continue. At all. Up until now I have continued, but just want it over with as quickly as possible, as I feel he’s ruined the whole experience for me. The last time I blurted out that I didn’t want to carry on and so we didn't. He told me I was being nasty to him! I did allow him to ejaculate over me so not sure what his problem was.

I am probably quite unusual as a woman, as I need penetration to be hard, fast and quick. Probably most men’s dream partner if I stop and think..And yet I have ended up with the one man who likes the complete opposite!

Is there any hope for this relationship?

Oh man, that is so mechanical. He's on the ASD spectrum, right? He may not have a diagnosis but I'd bet money. Same time every week, same way, the way he's gotten it into his head (read?) that you 'do good sex'? He's totally forgotten (never knew?) that it's about two people. That you don't just run a script. And there's his need to stick to an agreed timetable with other things.

And yet, physically, he CAN do it differently: the 'angry sex'. It sounds like he has difficulty tolerating change; if he's ASD that's so common. So I guess the choice for you is, trying to re-educate him, supporting him to make the scary change (for him) from his current routine. Or, kicking this unfulfilling relationship into touch. Is there enough of him you love to want to make that effort? It sounds like a job for a sex therapist tbh, but I'm no expert.

He's got such fixed ideas! Where did he get the idea that quick, hard sex is invariably 'angry'? I'd guess it goes way back - probably seeing sex scenes on telly? I remember watching a drama with one of my kids, he was about 10. And there was a totally unexpected sex scene, very short but very energetic & passionate. And he said, are they having a row? Cue parental explanation re 'special cuddles' not always having to be in bed.

Could he change? The first hurdle is why the fuck he doesn't listen to you. Does he listen in other areas of your life? Or is it all like the car journey you described, where he says which way, you say left & he goes right regardless? Does he prefer everything on a schedule, fixed? It's such an ASD trait to need routine to combat anxiety. If the bad sex is the canary in the coal mine for a relationship in which your wishes & feelings in every other room are as ignored as they are in the bedroom, that's a massive hill to climb.

Does he realise he might lose you? It sounds like that just makes him panic and cling ever more tightly to his routines. But you have shared interests and a similar sense of humour, so that doesn't sound like he's so rigid he's incapable of waking up and smelling the coffee.

Maybe the route to go down - ie the alternative to LTB - is first of all to stop the bad sex, if it hasn't stopped already. That's non-negotiable, just like any sexual practice between two people that one person doesn't like; you each get a veto, otherwise it's not a consenting relationship.

Then, maybe, start with something EASY that YOU like - doesn't have to be PIV, maybe best that it isn't to avoid him going back to his 'routine'. He's got to learn new ways - make it explicit these are learning sessions and it may take time to feel good/less scary for him - and that he owes it to you & your relationship to TRY, not just retreat into avoidance. His reward, if he tries, is something that HE likes - but never again the boring-for-you slow sex. Only stuff you both like can ever be on the table, because that's normal & respectful. But if, after a while, he's still vetoing anything new, either by word or by act, you explain to him that your affair is back on the cards, no hiding this time, if he wants to save your relationship with everything that brings with it re your children, stability etc.

@Plazzy I can’t work out if you’re a relationship counsellor or a psychic lol! 😂

Other posters have said that maybe he has PE... but given that you want it to be over faster than he's doing then from your perspective he has the opposite issue, even if it's something he's chosen. Has he said why he insists on going so very slow, and keeps stopping? Is it a fitness issue (as in he's just not physically fit enough to pump away at speed?)

Anyway, whatever the issue, you are clearly so embittered with him that it's hard to see how you can actually stand to have sex with him regardless of his poor technique!

You would be getting such different responses on AIBU and Relationships.

Is it only me who has noticed just how much you mention your affair @Creatingsacredspace ? You mention It in so many of your posts. It comes across that you're proud of cheating on your husband, you did the worse thing you can think of to try to change his behaviours and he STILL can't get it right for you.

You've told him what you like (hard, fast penetration for me too fwiw...). He's not listening. He's not changing. You had an affair to try to prove something. He's forgiven you and taken you back but he's still not changing.

Sounds like you're going to withhold sex next to prove your point. As it's not enjoyable for you, and hasn't been for years, why on earth are you still having sex? Sex should be enjoyable for both parties. It's not going to magically improve without some serious work on your communication skills over this.

Your relationship is dying right before your eyes. Either get professional counselling to sort out this sorry mess of a relationship or end things now.

@OfcourseitsaNC I don’t have a husband..

@harerunner thank you for replying. He doesn’t really answer me except to say I’m nasty for wanting anything other than the way he wants it. It’s not happening at all at the moment though. I totally lost my rag after he again suddenly jumped off me in the middle of sex. I refused to resume this time, and simply jumped in the shower and went about my day. It’s not a fitness issue, the slowness, the stopping and starting, it’s exactly the way he likes it. And that’s all that matters apparently. It’s difficult as most positions the male partner is in control, so to a certain extent it’s naturally going to happen at a pace set by them. I can’t expect him to suddenly want rougher sex any more than I can be ok with really really slow long drawn out sex. That’s why I think it comes down to a compatibility issue.

Well that obviously makes your cheating ok 🤦

@OfcourseitsaNC you do realise this is the sex thread don’t you? Where people discuss sex? It sounds like you might have experienced infidelity yourself, and like many other mumsnetters, are taking out your anger and hurt at a stranger who is at the end of her tether and is looking for support. Which thanks to more helpful posters like @Plazzy I have found here. I find your attitude to be very judgmental and so I ask that you refrain from engaging/tagging me going forward. Please don’t reply or contact me again either directly or indirectly.

OP, I understand you told your partner that you don't like a slow pace, but has he told you what he likes and why, why he goes as slow as he does?
Have you managed to talk about it with him at all, or is he evasive?

A few thoughts come to mind:

• If he does it because he's worried he won't last long, have you experimented if his"not long enough" is long enough for you? Or maybe it might be good enough for you but, regardless, he wants to last longer?
• Has he tried the condoms with a mild anaesthetic gel that make him last longer? Similar gels might be available outside a condom, but then they might slow you down, too, which you might not want
• If you like it fast and he likes it slow, would you consider two rounds? A first, quick round that works for you, and a second, slower round that works for him? The second round needn't be PIV, it could be any combination of you teasing him in any way that works and is acceptable to both of you.

Regardless of sex, I get the impression there might be some unresolved issues lurking at the back of your relationship.

Communication doesn't seem to be great in general. Are there other points on which you manage to communicate better? Sounds like there's some work to be done there.

What are his communication skills like in general, eg with friends or at work?

Have you told him how it made you feel when he 'finished early? Have you told him you would like him to be more affectionate? How did he react?

You do realise this is a public forum don’t you @Creatingsacredspace ? Where people post inviting others to share their opinions, whether they want to hear them or not?

I have no hurt or anger, but I do understand you feel the need to attack me for calling a spade a spade.

I've commented, responding to your posts that paint a very clear picture that your affair is still very much in your brain. Your partner's behaviour isn't changing, even though you've told him you can't stand it. You're having horrible sex, and have been for a while. And STILL you're engaging in it, even yesterday AFTER reading and responding to @Plazzy

I have helpfully suggested that you get counselling or end the relationship, but that isn't advice you want to hear. Others have said the same. For your sake, I hope @Plazzy 's idea works, but I don't think it will as your posts identify that there are deeply ingrained behaviours and communication issues between you both. The left/right car issue is one example that shows this needs to be looked at holistically, as it isn't just a sex problem, but a relationship problem.

I find your attitude to be very childish. I recognise that as a public forum I don't get to dictate who can respond to the threads posters engage in. It might be wise for you to do the same. Your final paragraph on your post to me confirms your several other posts that you need to learn better communication skills. Counselling will help you with this in general life as well as your communication in bed.

This is one website of many which can help you to access the support you need.

@NotASexBomb thank you for taking the time to reply. I shall give some thought to all of your points. There are definitely lots of issues; in all honesty I’m not sure they can be resolved. I have now put the family home on the market. It’s at the top end though, so unless we get a cash buyer we could be at the top of a very long chain! Whatever will be will be as they say!

There are definitely communication issues, he is avoidant and doesn’t like to address any issues; I tend to be a lot more open and willing to resolve challenges. I have definitely told him on many occasions how I feel.

Re his work, he’s a musician in a band, so I would say he communicates mainly through the medium of music. Outside of the actual music, he has to have everything micromanaged for him, couldn’t co-ordinate his tour arrangements for example. In the past I have made all arrangements for him, but got sick of it all, so now he has someone else doing that. (Which has also caused some resentment towards me).

I know other musicians who are into tantric sex but this is getting ridiculous!
(The anaesthetic on a condom made me laugh! I definitely don’t want it going on any longer!)

On the anaesthetic on the condom: Durex Boots and other brands all make them. You will see a small ball of gel inside the condom. I get it you don't want it to last longer, but maybe he does? Eg maybe the round 1 could be quick, to your liking, and round 2 could be slower, to his liking and, again, not necessarily PIV. You could tease him with that condom on, or you could get the gel out of the condom, apply it to him etc.

Just a few thoughts. Whatever works for both of you.

Gotcha! Thank you!

The more I read, OP, the more sympathy I feel for you and the more I think that it's the 'jumping off me' mid-sex that's the really weird bit. Therefore, understanding that is likely to be the key to understanding his behaviour, including the headline problem, which is the slowness and lack of stimulation for you.

I think it's reasonable to see the 'jumping off you' as part of the whole 'stop-start' syndrome. If your sex session was plotted on a graph, with intensity against time, you'd see a variable line, never getting very high, and alternating between slow and very slow. And then sometimes dipping to zero. So maybe the 'jumping off' is the 'dead stop' position on his dial. And, sorry, how many men stop, pull out and literally walk away from their partner during sex, before they've come? It's practically unheard of.

So something is bothering him, either physically or psychically, during sex, and he's not being honest with you. If you're sure it's not physical - eg tight foreskin/cramp/getting tired - then it's something in his mind. Either way, it's crap that he won't try to explore this with you.

The word 'nasty' keeps coming up in relation to what you want. You say what you want, he says you're nasty for wanting that. So does it come down to this? - in his preferred version of reality, you're not supposed to want anything at all, sexually speaking. It's your job to just lie there, maybe thinking of England, but definitely being passive, while he 'pleasures' you (but ofc doesn't). It's you having any sexual desires at all that's 'nasty', certainly any desires that you define yourself, as distinct from what he serves up.

I'm inclined to wonder whether he has shame issues about sex. The raunchier it is - certainly on your part, but by the sound of it on his too - the more shameful he feels it is, hence his insistence on this attenuated, low-intensity version, so un-raunchy it's almost not sex at all - and of course when he jumps off you, definitely not sex at all. I'd also be willing to bet that he gets so little stimulation from this terrible sex, he begins to lose his erection - and these are the moments he jumps off you and starts making excuses. Did he really go and meet his dad, or was that just an excuse?

And of course, you having an affair was - in his mind - shamefully abandoned. You went off and satisfied your nasty desire to have nasty, hard sex with a nasty, hard man, and you dared to enjoy it, and then tell him you enjoyed it. He was provoked into 'punishing' you once with nasty hard sex, but then was ashamed and resolved never to be sucked into such raunchy awfulness ever again.

So perhaps he's trying to make a passive woman of you, @Creatingsacredspace. Maybe there's a pedestal under construction also, for you to stand on, constant, unthreatening, not moving, certainly not thrusting. Because that's the only version of you he can handle? He wouldn't be the first man to be afraid of women with sexual desire; they used to call them witches.

I remember you said once that, when you objected to his stop-start routine, he called you nasty, and then you let him ejaculate over you. That kinda fits the passivity thing. The nastiness, then, was you trying to take control, or just have your own feelings heard.

@Plazzy Thank you so much! You are extremely insightful. I know I’ve taken up a lot of your time so for that I’m incredibly grateful! I have now put the family home on the market and I’m on my way to see my solicitor this morning to ‘get my ducks in a row’ as mumsnet says! So I will ponder your points! Feeling very fragile indeed though, so going to see if my therapist is free for a quick catch up later (I have an eating disorder so in stressful situations I can lose a dangerous amount of weight and end up in hospital. I don’t want that on top of everything else I’m dealing with).

@Plazzy I’m guessing I won’t need the sex thread soon as won’t have any issues re sex going forward! Well, I have never had any sexual issues to be fair, he has.
Had a good chat with solicitor today (complex situation) but I now have a good idea about how assets will be split etc.

My affair partner absolutely adores me and

would marry me in a heartbeat, he’s made that clear. He is the complete opposite of my longer term partner, the opposite of avoidant in fact. He was so affectionate, holding my hand at every opportunity, kissing and cuddling me constantly, telling me he loved me, and very very keen to meet my needs. When we met he was engaged to be married, but called off the wedding to pursue a relationship with me.
(His ex partner got in touch with me, trying to engage, but I gave her short shrift). The issue is that he is in the same industry as my longer term partner (think sex & drugs & rock n roll). They absolutely hate each other and there have been some very ugly scenes! My affair partner would be perfect for me if it wasn’t for the illicit substances and excessive use. He’s quite chaotic and I don’t think that’s for me! I won’t miss my longer term partner and all of his issues though, except for the fact that he is very well endowed (8.25 inches erect- I measured it!)