How do I improve our sex life

[Alansmith101]

I'm just looking for pointers on how to increase my wife desire to have sex with me. At the moment it's about once every six weeks and it's only ever when she's in the mood, I try stroking in bed, cuddling, kissing through the day.

We have two girls aged 2 & 6, she works part time but I would say our lives weren't that stressful. No financial worries. We don't go on date nights but will share a bottle of wine some evenings, sometimes just talking with the TV off.

I've good personal hygiene and I workout/exercise every week usually while my eldest daughter is in a swimming lesson or karate, which I take her to as wife doesn't drive. Most mornings I'll bring her a coffee In bed.

She does do most the cleaning and house work but I'll take the kids out more.

When we do it I think she enjoys it, she will climax most times. I'd do it everyday if I could so never turn her down.

Maybe she just doesn't want to. Talk to her. Ask her.

Try talking to her, communication is everything. I'm sure she has her reasons but you won't know unless you ask her.

If your kids are 2 and 6 then you haven't been together very long. You deserve to be happy and if you wife isn't meeting your needs tell her, if she still isn't meeting your needs, its not going to get any better. This is probably the peak. Either learn to live with it or do something about it, but it might mean the breakdown of the relationship.

I assume you've spoken to your wife about this.
What has she said?

I try stroking in bed, cuddling, kissing through the day.
Does she enjoy this? Because it's great if she's enjoying it but will do nothing but turn her off if she's not.

Some people get completely turned off it because they know their partner is only doing it to try to escalate it to sex.

Well you're rude aren't you?

What was it like when you first got together? Ask your wife what will help her get back to that state.

It can get better - DH and I have had dry patches when I didn't feel like it, mostly when kids were under 5. But it can come back.

But random people online can't give you all the answers. Communicate with your wife and get some romance in your lives.

it's only ever when she's in the mood

Well thank goodness for that. Were you hoping to have sex with her when she's not in the mood?

Maybe you meant to ask why she's not in the mood as often as you'd wish. Only she can tell you that - we can't read her mind for you.

Christ not another one.

It's because she does all the cleaning and house work. Just because she works part time doesn't mean she should do all the house stuff, and you being a Disney dad who brings them to activities doesn't mean you're pulling your weight. 2 and 6 will be difficult and make a lot of mess.

Also, who does the emotional labor, life admin, financial stuff, food planning and shopping, cooking, etc. ?

P.s. if you only "think" she enjoys it that's not a good sign.

Let me save you some time reading all the posts by summarising them.

The MN view:

If woman has low sex drive: then man is sex pest and he needs to more housework

Man has low sex drive: then he needs to get the doctor and sort himself out. Wife has needs and if they are not met then she's completely reasonable in dumping him.

Ask her about the cuddling. My DH does that and it's a huge turn off because I know it's not sincere and he's just trying to move things to sex. So then I get the ick and it's a vicious cycle.

If she’s 40 or so most likely perimenopause and she may need extra hormonal help.
No matter really you need to chat to her.

if you only "think" she enjoys it that's not a good sign.

I agree with this probably being the heart of the matter.

Does she still find you attractive? Only you can find out. Sometimes it's not about how fit you keep yourself, it's intimacy and if she's having to 'mother' you (buying you clothes, plan everything, doing your washing etc) in anyway, that goes away quickly.

@Loonancy

Let me save you some time reading all the posts by summarising them.

Your post contains such false equivalence.

If woman has low sex drive: then man is sex pest and he needs to more housework

Man has low sex drive: then he needs to get the doctor and sort himself out. Wife has needs and if they are not met then she's completely reasonable in dumping him.

This OP openly admits, without prompting, in his OP that he does less housework. Research shows that even men who think they do half the housework are usually doing less than their partner.

So this (the unfair division of household tasks and the resulting resentment) actually is a common, legitimate issue for women that can indeed lower their sex drive. Grown men who don't behave like adults aren't very sexy. Who'd have thought it.

Aside from that, men's issues in the bedroom often can be medical (inability to get an erection or to maintain an erection) and require medical intervention (although sometimes, it requires less porn consumption). It's less common for women to be physically unable to have sex (although women who suffer from vaginismus are advised to pursue medical treatment), or indeed to consume such massive amounts of porn they lose interest in having intercourse with a real man.

Generally, the root causes of loss of desire are different across the sexes but loads of menopausal women talk about HRT boosting their desire again so it's not like it's uncommon for women to go to the doctor about it. I find your post massively sexist (and inaccurate).

Grabs 🍿 🍿 🍿

One partner is always going up so slightly more than the other - unless each takes out half a bin bag or vacuums half the floor. Housework doesn't sound like the issue here.

Think he’s looking for women’s insights. From what I’ve seen over the years the most unsexy thing in the world for a woman is to mother her husband. If she is cooking and cleaning for you, you are basically another child for her to look after. If she does all the mental load, you are no longer a man in her eyes. Biologically all sexy feelings get shut off. That’s the main sex in marriage killer I’ve seen.

what drives women wild in bed? Men who are true partners, who have their back, who anticipate what the family needs and get it done with no need for applause. pawing at her in bed is not gonna get her going. Booking the next ten weeks online shops with full week meal plans? Now that’s going to get her attention.

Not necessarily.

I do everything at home. Everything - the cleaning, taking care of our child, the cooking - I do it ALL.

And I still want sex.

Didn't say it was accurate.
But it is reflective of what OP will read on MN on this topic.
Yep, completely sexist how this topic is viewed by most on MN.

Doing your fair share of the chores is the guaranteed solution for this. If it doesn’t work then you are within your rights to leave

Was your title meant to say ‘how do we improve our sex life’? You sound very me me me.

I don't think this is guaranteed at all.

I think op needs to make sure his wife is getting genuine pleasure, and lots of it, when dtd. Not "I think she climaxes".

I don't know anyone who would be willing to have unpleasurable sex out of gratitude for help with the housework?! If so I'd be getting it off with my cleaner...!

This is in the context of men whining about lack of sex, therefore your situation isn't applicable, surely you can understand that. Congrats on being a cool wife though.

Specifically, op says this:

When we do it I think she enjoys it, she will climax most times.

Oh, op. Sorry but this sounds entirely inadequate and there's no point fussing about with cuddling or helping with chores until you sort this out.

No woman should ever have to endure substandard unpleasurable sex.