How do I improve our sex life

[Alansmith101]

I'm just looking for pointers on how to increase my wife desire to have sex with me. At the moment it's about once every six weeks and it's only ever when she's in the mood, I try stroking in bed, cuddling, kissing through the day.

We have two girls aged 2 & 6, she works part time but I would say our lives weren't that stressful. No financial worries. We don't go on date nights but will share a bottle of wine some evenings, sometimes just talking with the TV off.

I've good personal hygiene and I workout/exercise every week usually while my eldest daughter is in a swimming lesson or karate, which I take her to as wife doesn't drive. Most mornings I'll bring her a coffee In bed.

She does do most the cleaning and house work but I'll take the kids out more.

When we do it I think she enjoys it, she will climax most times. I'd do it everyday if I could so never turn her down.

We have two girls aged 2 & 6, she works part time but I would say our lives weren't that stressful

Maybe your life isn't but I bet hers is.

Who does most of the meal planning, cooking, shopping, cleaning? Who notices when the toothpaste needs replacing or the bread's running out? Who makes the dentists appointments and makes sure the girls have everything they need for school/nursery?
Who knows when their friends birthdays are and buy and wrap presents?
Who knows which clothes and shoes are grown out of and need replacing? Is it you??

Some of the above responses sound very transactional to me. "If he doesn't do half the housework, no sex!" Way to weaponise it.

If he's working full time and she's part-time, a 50:50 housework split would be disproportionate anyway.

I think of sex like friendship... if it matters to you, you make time for it. It is independent of 'chores'. Those are a separate issue to work out.

In short OP, kind communication is key. If my DH had considered leaving me during our 12 year relationship because of sex (like some of these posters suggest) or put on too much pressure whilst the kids were small we would never have lasted and come back out the other side.

Having small children really takes it out of you. I lost my sense of self for a long time. It was (and still can be) really really hard for me to get into 'Wife mode' and my body image took a huge battering.

Alongside having low level anxiety and depression since my second was born which I am only now getting treatment for as I refused to accept something was wrong for a long time.

He was patient, kind and communicated with me. This made me feel able to open up to him about how I was feeling and the KEY was that he listened, took any pressure COMPLETELY off the table and just focused on us getting through the small child years. Accepting and enjoying sex when I initiated it. Even if it was months between.

He did this because he loves me. Actually really loves me, even if everything else was stripped away. You sound like you love your wife too. Which is lovely. So talk to her op. Find a time when your both relaxed and talk about how she is feeling in general. Do not mention sex.

This is in the context of men whining about lack of sex, therefore your situation isn't applicable, surely you can understand that. Congrats on being a cool wife though.

Of course he's complaining if he's not having sex(!)... he doesn't even come across whiny, he sounds like he has no idea what's wrong and want to fix it, and they are communicating well

My child is 2 and we’ve been together for 20 years.

Yes op. Climaxing most times and 'think she enjoys it' doesn't make sense. You would know that she's enjoying it

There's no point focusing on orgasm anyway. Some women can't go all the way, and still have a fab time. Others fake it and aren't even enjoying it all.

Might not be accurate, but it is pretty reflective of how topic is seen on this forum

If the male partner wants more sex he is a sex pest, dump him

if the male partner wants less sex there is something medically wrong with him, so dump him,

those are pretty common responses on this forum

This. I really think men struggle to understand the mental load that comes with being mum, and even though they might appreciate and acknowledge that mum does more, I don't think they quite grasp what it's like in her shoes.

My husband has his particular jobs and does them well, but I honestly don't think he could cope with the mental load of all the things this PP has mentioned.

We have had a leak through one of our windows during the storm last night, and this kind of problem is very much his responsibility. While I completely appreciate its stressful and potentially expensive, tbh I have enough on my plate to worry about (I'm also 40 weeks pregnant) and so personally, I'm leaving him to sort this. He was being stressy about it this morning and not even mentally in the room when our son was asking him a question, and I told him to get back in the room for our little boy - and he said "but you don't know what it's like, you don't have to worry about this". In fairness to him he wasn't being assy or rude with me, but it demonstrates that he thinks this problem in isolation is bigger than EVERYTHING else that I CONSTANTLY have to worry about.

We went through a dry spell after our first child, and he spoke to me about his concerns around this maturely - however he thought it was just tiredness getting in the way, so his suggestion was that we took some time during nap time or at 7pm as soon as our son was in bed. I had to explain that it's not just tiredness, I can't make myself be in the mood when I'm thinking about everything that I want/need to do during nap time. At 7pm all I want to do is sit and eat some nice food after having to steal moments to eat all day. He naturally never would have thought of this.

OP, I suppose my point is, talk to her - there may be more getting in the way of her being able to feel "up for it" than you might be able to ever simply guess or assume. Good luck, and well done for wanting to help and make things better.

Every 6 weeks and the OP wants it every day. Oh dear oh dear. OP, how did you (plural you) get to that point?

^ nailed it! You need to have an honest discussion with your partner. I’m sure that, whilst you feel life isn’t particularly stressful, your partner is likely carrying a lot more of the mental and emotional load of family life with such young children whilst also holding down a job and doing more of the housework.

My comment was directed towards the poster I quoted.

Hi @Alansmith101

I am a long way down this road. What I’ve learnt is that you can be a better boy as recommended above and in all honesty unless your different than any chap I’ve spoken to since I started my journey you not doing as much as you think you are at home. you can improve that but that should just make you proud your a good husband and father but you can’t fix this on your own !!!

I tried and made it worse for a while nearly gave it all up .Decided didn’t want to throw all we had away for a sex but trying to articulate to my wife that it was more than sex it was intimacy, closeness and a good chunk of my own self worth.

Obviously this Is a waffley mega man post and I am very acutely aware we’re both here in very female space so as we’re both men I feel comfortable offering to you that if you want to DM me then I can give you the extensive list of reading I’ve gratefully picked up from here and other resources that have been useful.

Best of luck we’re not there yet but it’s so much better and family life is better too!

Liking sex, despite doing all the housework does not make me a “cool wife.” If it does, I’ll happily accept it.

It’s a very unintelligent attempt at an insult purely because another woman has a different opinion.

I was merely pointing out that it’s not ALWAYS about the housework - it’s such a lazy attempt to explain lack of sex drive.