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Original poster

Need a code for ‘No sex tonight thanks’

30 replies

SilkStalkings · 02/12/2023 22:52

It’s taken 25yrs but I’ve realised my husband and I could really do with some way of communicating, ideally fairly early in an evening, that one of us has no interest in sex that night, so that the other person can tailor their expectations to suit. You know, no blame, no shame, no hard feelings etc.
Yes yes I know saying the actual words is the sensible, grown up way to do it but that’s far too confrontational for us. Would much rather have a pass phrase to slip into conversation that makes us laugh as much as it makes the shape of the evening to come clear.
Any suggestions most appreciated, thanks.

OP posts:
fourelementary · 02/12/2023 23:33

I’d make it more of a positive ie an indication you DO want or would be open to the idea of sex. Eg nightie on instead of PJs- sex. Candle lit in room- sex. Naked in bed? Sex. Then if you’ve got your pjs on, it’s a no… or if you switch the light off. It’s not on…

Would that work?

DixonD · 03/12/2023 00:18

I don’t know - I just say it. I think after that long together you can just say it how it is.

SnowAndGlow · 03/12/2023 00:40

Confused How bizarre. You’re adults, married a long time, just talk to each other.

Mermaidparades · 03/12/2023 05:24

Decompress. ‘It’s been a tough day, I just need to decompress.’

StarlightLady · 03/12/2023 08:14

I am totally perplexed with this post. My parents used to have certain codewords for things when sister and l were very young so we didn’t know what they were talking about; birthdays and Xmas come to mind. But 2 people in the same room don’t need a codeword they just need to speak to each other.

Not wanting sex should not be confrontational ever, but why would using a different word make that any easier?

Finally, unless you have had, for example, a really awful day at work and feel shattered, how would you know hours up front whether you are going to feel that lovely little “sex itch” later?

MondayMorningMadness · 03/12/2023 08:36

What on earth? Just talk to each other. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Mermaidparades · 03/12/2023 08:42

I don’t think judging the OP is particularly helpful. There are so many possible reasons for needing a code word, and she’s on a journey to proactively reduce stress and tension over sex in her relationship. Suggest or don’t suggest, but judging is unnecessary.

MondayMorningMadness · 03/12/2023 08:50

@Mermaidparades ffs. it’s a forum, people give opinions. HTH.

StarlightLady · 03/12/2023 09:19

I don’t think people are judging the OP so much as judging the situation.

IloveMW · 03/12/2023 09:22

You know, no blame, no shame, no hard feelings etc.

There is blame and shame if one of you doesn’t feel like it? Its not a code word you need, it’s respect and care. It doesn’t sound healthy.

IloveMW · 03/12/2023 09:23

I don’t think people are judging the OP so much as judging the situation

This. It sounds like one of both of them is scared to say they don’t want sex. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all.

FordAnglia · 03/12/2023 09:59

The non-keen partner gets out the Lakeland catalogue and starts asking questions about the various domestic delights.

Original poster
SilkStalkings · 03/12/2023 10:22

I can see this has people perplexed😆
Part of the problem is a lack of intimacy from dh outside the bedroom, maybe theres unwillingness to become aroused or even semi-aroused outside the bedroom while there are kids around (teens) and yes we are both a bit squeamish about rejection. Even talking about it makes him cringe. So I never know if we’re going to have sex until we go upstairs (unless huge amounts of alcohol are involved). It has been discussed many times over the years but it seems these are just his boundaries and he’s not about to go off on a deep dive into his intimacy issues anytime soon (pretty sure he’s not the only bloke like this) so I am resorting to hacks. In fact occasionally we both still totally misread something innocent as a ‘not interested’ and discover the next day that was not the case.
I’m just trying to get the discussion out of the way but in a lighthearted way so we can just laugh and move on with the evening. Then as long as it’s not mentioned, the possibility of sex is still on the table with no cringey discussion.

OP posts:
Original poster
SilkStalkings · 03/12/2023 10:30

Yes we are scared to say it but not because we’re afraid of nasty recriminations. More that we’re both scared of rejection and both feel bad about the other feeling rejected. So the declaration of non-interest tends to get left til the last minute.
I’m just trying create a vocabulary for him that won’t make him cringe and I was thinking humour is the way to go.

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 03/12/2023 10:57

The 1st person to bed puts a yellow flag on the door handle
(Its an old shipping practice where either a port or ship would hoist a yellow flag indicating there was contagious disease so stay away)

that way you dont even need to discuss anything!

WildflowersInAMasonJar · 03/12/2023 11:23

Whatever code you use will become just as awkward because it’ll still mean the same thing. The problem is, that after 25 years you’re still not fully comfortable with each other. I can’t really get my head around that tbh. I suppose you can try some sort of code, personally I’d want to be able to have a proper conversation using actual words that make sense.

maybe theres unwillingness to become aroused or even semi-aroused outside the bedroom while there are kids around

What the hell is this about? I’d hope there is unwillingness when your kids are around. Confused

ShellfishCellar · 03/12/2023 13:03

Those damned french border control agents are on strike again!
No trains will be entering the channel tunnel tonight!

Original poster
SilkStalkings · 03/12/2023 13:54

“maybe theres unwillingness to become aroused or even semi-aroused outside the bedroom while there are kids around

What the hell is this about? I’d hope there is unwillingness when your kids are around. “
Ok now this feels like willful misunderstanding. I give up.

OP posts:
Mermaidparades · 03/12/2023 14:04

SilkStalkings · 03/12/2023 13:54

“maybe theres unwillingness to become aroused or even semi-aroused outside the bedroom while there are kids around

What the hell is this about? I’d hope there is unwillingness when your kids are around. “
Ok now this feels like willful misunderstanding. I give up.

@SilkStalkings I got the wilful misunderstanding vibe too.

FWIW I believe anything that makes discussion about sexuality that bit easier is worth a shot. Not everyone was brought up in a home where it was ok to talk about sex, those people will have to overcome the taboo aspect in order to do so.

Merryshitmass · 03/12/2023 15:50

" I don't want to have sex tonight"

WildflowersInAMasonJar · 03/12/2023 18:39

Ok now this feels like willful misunderstanding. I give up.

What are you talking about with your wilful misunderstanding? It’s right that he is ‘unwilling to become ‘aroused or even semi-aroused outside the bedroom while there are kids around.’ If your kids are around, he shouldn’t be ‘willing’ to. You shouldn’t want him to either.

DonnaBanana · 03/12/2023 19:01

I think this is easily misunderstood particularly on this forum because it’s the sort of problem people have when they are mostly having maintenance sex to keep the hormones flowing and relationship going but neither is particularly a sex person

mrmr1 · 04/12/2023 11:48

Bars closed tonight.

PinotPony · 05/12/2023 13:52

Correct me if I'm wrong but it sounds like the problem here is not just an inability to communicate but a lack of physical intimacy outside the bedroom.

If there's no holding hands or cuddling on the sofa, or even just touching each other in passing, then you've got no indication whether the other is open to being touched until you're behind a closed bedroom door. At which point, it feels like a hard rejection because there's been no warm up.

It's not about being aroused in the presence of children (ridiculous leap!) but about loving physical contact between a couple even when the kids are about.

Firstly, I think you both need to understand that physical intimacy doesn't always have to lead to sex. That other physical acts are of equal value.
So get back to just kissing and cuddling as a way to gauge how receptive the other is to sex.

Secondly, if the words are difficult to say, then visual cues are a good replacement. An item of clothing on the door handle or worn is a simple signal.

PansyPolly · 06/12/2023 22:40

“Not tonight, darling, I’m washing my hair” - could raise a smile?

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