Is a one night stand a good idea for me?

[Shyandhiding]

I am very sexually inexperienced, especially considering my age (late 30s). I had a one night stand in the past (many years ago) but he was the friend of a friend so I knew he was a decent guy and not a total stranger.

I am happy single and not looking for a relationship, but would quite like to try sex again (after many years). I don’t know any single men now, so would mean finding a date online (presumably an app like Tinder). I am going on a weekend break to Manchester next month and I thought that might be a good opportunity to meet somebody. My problem is:

1.What if he wants to do some crazy porn stuff? I just want ultra basic sex, nothing kinky whatsoever.

2 It doesn’t seem safe? How will I know that he is not going to rape or kill me?

3 By their 30s and 40s most of the nice men are coupled up so won’t I get a scumbag? And by saying I am just looking for a casual thing am I not pretty much limiting myself to scumbags? I can’t think of a way to find a nice guy for a one night thing though.

This probably all sounds ridiculous, but it’s what I am worried about and so am reaching out for help here. I know women do this all the time though so, please tell me how it works and if this seems like a reasonable idea or a terrible one.

It's very unlikely you would be raped or killed. Your biggest risk is std's.

I'd suggest that him being a 'nice guy' is absolutely irrelevant to the situation. In a one night stand you should be looking for somebody who either you find extremely attractive, the type of attractive you find irresistible and want to take their clothes off then and there. Or they're a curiosity shag, eg always thought you might like to try it with a woman/black man/something else unusual. Or they have a massive penis and/or are an expert lover and can offer an experience you won't get elsewhere. It seems unusual to be looking for just sex with somebody who is 'nice', you aren't going to spend any time with them so it doesn't matter. You can be a horrible person and great in bed. You should be viewing it as just scartching a biological itch, their personality is irrelevant.
They don't need to be scumbags, avoid pervy old letches and creeps and stay away from men who are seriously intoxicated because it will be crap, sloppy and disappointing. Give anybody you approach a once over, if they are sweaty or sticky or smelly etc just walk away it will be grim. Most people are pretty vanilla so I wouldn't worry too much about them expecting you to be a porn star. Use protection and have fun.

If you want to tey sex again - why not at least try to make sure it’s good or Ok.

STD and other risks aside - one night stands with a stranger are rarely great sexual experiences. The guy - even skilful and considerate - would not know how YOU work. And mostly - if they know it’s just one night - they won’t be inclined to try too hard
Sex isn’t just about putting a penis inside of you and moving it….

In your place - if i wanted to try sex (but not dating) again - i’d find a guy on some sex positive sites. (Rather than dating/relationship sites) At least make sure you have some friendly banter, etc.

Thanks, what is a sex positive site?

Thank you, taking all this on board.

I think to get your needs met and have a good time on a ONS you need to be very confident and comfortable with yourself/sex/voicing your needs, in a way that is generally only honed by having had lots of sex.

I have been celibate for 6 years and I thought of the possibility of having a FWB but someone suggested ONS to me but they just don’t seem safe to me! Don’t really like the thought of being alone and vulnerable with a stranger.

"I think to get your needs met and have a good time on a ONS you need to be very confident and comfortable with yourself/sex/voicing your needs, in a way that is generally only honed by having had lots of sex".

This. Your biggest risk, in my opinion, is that the sex will be really, really bad and you'll be super disappointed from the experience. But I guess you'll only know if you try. Best of luck whatever you decide, OP!

My 2 pence. The majority of men are bad in bed. Save yourself from massive disappointments, get a good vibrator.

If you're sexually inexperienced I would suggest getting to know yourself sexually first. Get a decent sex you and get to know your body and what works for you. Then you can go for the casual sex. I don't think I'd ever have appreciated good sex or my part in good sex had I not been sure what I liked and how I liked it from masturbation. And you don't even have to go to a scary shop these days, you can order whatever you like online and get it delivered in an anonymous box!

What she said.

I would never advise a ONS for a woman.

There is an Arabic saying roughly translates to: Fast for so long then break fast on an onion. The onion will be your ONS, I am 99.9% sure. Even if you experience the initial post coitus euphoria or fake high of feeling like a liberated woman for having casual sex, there can be a sense of shame, loss and vulnerability after casual sex encounters.

The only women I've ever heard allegedly happy with ONS are the very confident, very experienced types who might already have or have had STD's particularly permanent ones like genital herpes.
If you're inexperienced and have no STDs it's a shame to expose yourself in more ways than one for a disappointing session with a stranger. They all promise to be STD free and great at bed so their words mean nothing. STD results can be faked. Condoms don't protect against everything.

Agree with getting a vibrator.

Find someone you connect with and take it at your pace. ONS is not likely to meet what you are looking for

@Shyandhiding get the impression that this is the voice of experience😁

What a load of rubbish!

@RoseCurry that has made me laugh so much. That is more of a north African saying and I know exactly what you mean !

Have no advice at the moment OP (may have in future) , but just to say good luck and I'd ignore the surprising number of sex negative women your post seems to have somehow attracted. Not entirely sure why they are posting.

OP - by sex positive - I meant places
where people seek FWB rather than relationships/dating.

It is, of course, not easy to pick through people who just want no strings ONS -
but its life. You sort of need to engage and get to know people and make a judgement call the best that you can.

You can try something like Killing Kittens - lots of single men looking for sex partners there. Or even Tinder - although admittedly probably more daunting.
Interestingly - and possibly controversially -
somebody in a sexless marriage looking for a FEB could work in your situation too.

in general - lots of wild opinions here. It’s an interesting read.

My POV - vibrators aren’t the same as
sex. And sex takes two people.

For someone to say that most men are bad in sex - you need to believe that sex is something men ‘do’ to women. That we are passive recipients.
But in reality - sex needs two active and engaged participants. Needs open minds, and ability to communicate without hangups. And needs both people to know themselves.
Bad sex is rarely one person’s fault.

As to feeling vulnerable and shame after casual sex…And needing to be confident and with STDs to enjoy it... I don’t know what to say here.

Maybe to point out that people are different? And we don’t all think and feel the same.

Ummm, I’ve had lots of sex both in and out of relationships and never had an STI.

In this day and age I would be very wary of jumping into bed with anyone, of course there are decent men out there but there are also some headbangers.

I am in my early 30s, recently single and fairly sexually experienced but I wouldn’t have a one night stand (I’ve only had one when I was at university) Too risky (behaviour wise) and will probably be massively unsatisfactory.

Another vote for a decent vibrator!

And @YokoOnosBigHat You are having sex with the wrong men then!

@Shyandhiding I was in your situation this time last year. Went looking for a fwb arrangement and found it (and much more!)

I agree with other posters, find someone you connect with online first.

OP, l don’t think a ONS would work for you, most successful ones (and they do exist) evolve through instant passion, not forward planning. But should you go for it, l would suggest one off sex rather than actually spending the night with someone. I’ve had several “one offs” and gone home with a smile afterwards. If something in Manchester happens, it can naturally evolve.

My view has always been that there is nothing wrong with having sex with a good (unattached) friend, it can be lovely and no risk of the unsavoury. If there really is nobody you can ask, is there a good friend you could confide in who may know someone.

And remember, smart women carry condoms in their handbags.

Mostly this ^^ but the OP said she doesn’t know any single men…

A ONS will probably not be a good experience as the guy is probably thinking about his own pleasure not yours,

and men are people as well, not just things to “try sex again “ with

I don't think it's a good idea in your situation. Casual sex can be a good way to scratch an itch and an instant sexual satisfaction but I don't think your reasons for doing it are the right ones. It sounds like your almost forcing yourself to do it. I've had many casual sexual encounters but thinking about it, the most orgasmic sex have been in relationships.

@RoseCurry The only women I've ever heard allegedly happy with ONS are the very confident, very experienced types who might already have or have had STD's particularly permanent ones like genital herpes.

What a load of nonsense! Confident, experienced women are actually less likely to have STIs because they value their bodies and prioritise their sexual health.

Jumping into bed with a Tinder date after a few drinks I'd unlikely to give you the good experience you're seeking.

I agree with @josuk that you'd be better searching on a sex positive site such as killing kittens, rather than trying online dating. A higher percentage of men on there will be open to prior discussion about what you both want to achieve and what your limits are.

You can also check out whether potential dates have been "vouched" for by other women. I can introduce you to some nice chaps if that's of interest.

Always insist on a non-sex date first to see if there's the right chemistry. Always ask to see a recent STI test result. Always let a friend know where you're going and agree a time to check in to confirm you're safe.