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Original poster

How to come onto him?!

34 replies

Shleepymummy · 19/10/2023 17:18

Essentially, DH and I just never have sex, and he seems to be the only man I’ve heard of who just doesn’t mind not getting any. Friends husbands seem to pester/ask for sex regularly, but not mine! We are in our 30s and have two young children (4 months and 2.5yr) so we are tired but I wouldn’t say we are completely knackered. Will stay up till 9/10pm watching tv, kids go to bed at 7. I’ve given up waiting for him to initiate stuff so thought maybe I need to make the effort and try. I just don’t know how to do it really….without it feeling unnatural or forced. I’m not very confident with this stuff. Neither is he. And what if he says no, which I worry about because clearly he isn’t fussed about trying it on his own merits.

OP posts:
Catullus5 · 19/10/2023 17:39

Do either of you like massage or other intimate but not specifically sexual touch? It can be a lot easier to move from that to sex than from television.

Or just have an honest conversation with him: say you'd like more sex and see how between you you can make it happen. That conversion should be held separately to any seduction attempts so there's no pressure. 🙂

CuriousD · 19/10/2023 17:41

"Given up waiting of him to initiate stuff". There's your problem. You were putting all the responsibilities on him. Not unusual to find he is making no effort if the expectation is that he is the only one who should make the effort.

Catullus5 · 19/10/2023 17:44

That's a little harsh - sometimes these situations happen because one is afraid of pressurising the other.

TooManyFish · 19/10/2023 18:13

If things feel unnatural or forced, you need to start with actually communicating with each other.

Descriptions of how to initiate sex aren't what you need.

There's a lot of posters on this board that seem to want sexual things described in detail for their various issues.

Catullus5 · 19/10/2023 18:28

It's true. They are part of one of two groups that tend to chill discussion here. The other is a group that assumes anyone starting a thread is likely to be a perv.

acpk55 · 19/10/2023 18:50

OP I remember (just), being in my 30’s with young kids ( I see you have a 4 month old) and sex was absolutely the last thing on my mind and probably didn’t initiate much at that time either, rather than worrying about it - just checkin with him & make sure everything is okay, just a simple “I noticed we not been intimate so much recently, is everything okay “, and just go from there & forget about what your friends say - you are not married to them

TooManyFish · 19/10/2023 19:17

Catullus5 · 19/10/2023 18:28

It's true. They are part of one of two groups that tend to chill discussion here. The other is a group that assumes anyone starting a thread is likely to be a perv.

When there's been so many issues on the board, it's not surprising some posters are suspicious, especially of those that seem to be requesting detailed descriptions.

There are a lot of pervs here (using your description), but to save anyone getting upset, that doesn't mean I'm saying all posters here are pervs.

Original poster
Shleepymummy · 19/10/2023 20:08

Ergh I never wanted a detailed description/blow by blow of what to do 😩🙃 I have 2 children, I know how it works. It was more how to have the confidence to initiate, how to do it without it feeling stupid, but I didn’t want instructions. Maybe I didn’t word it very well/maybe I don’t really know what I want. I just know it’s missing in our relationship. I’ve tried having a conversation, he shuts it down quickly. Hence why I thought I could take it on so he doesn’t have to

OP posts:
Original poster
Shleepymummy · 19/10/2023 20:10

@acpk55 I think you’re right, the baby is young and it is so tiring. Maybe I’m comparing myself to my friends and feeling we are failing at that element of our marriage. I’ll take you advice and do a check in, and see if he opens up

OP posts:
Catullus5 · 19/10/2023 20:27

I also think acpk55's advice is good but I guess you'll pick your moment for the conversation and not be afraid to try again another time if you get shut down.

I do think it's hard to go from having no sex to sex when there's not a lot of other close physical contact so you may find it useful to think about that.

MissConductUS · 19/10/2023 20:30

I used to ask mine if he wanted to go to bed early. That was our code word.

overtaxedoverworked · 19/10/2023 20:40

Is two children something that has been discussed and agreed on as your ideal family size? A male friend has three children, all planned but the third came as a surprise to him.

lilkitten · 20/10/2023 00:23

acpk55 · 19/10/2023 18:50

OP I remember (just), being in my 30’s with young kids ( I see you have a 4 month old) and sex was absolutely the last thing on my mind and probably didn’t initiate much at that time either, rather than worrying about it - just checkin with him & make sure everything is okay, just a simple “I noticed we not been intimate so much recently, is everything okay “, and just go from there & forget about what your friends say - you are not married to them

Me too, I was more coping with life in my mid to late thirties. Sex got much better in my forties when the kids grew up a bit.

MinnieL · 20/10/2023 22:22

but to save anyone getting upset, that doesn't mean I'm saying all posters here are pervs.

Haha yep you’ll defo need to clarify that as you don’t want a certain someone to make a post about you!

Mermaidparades · 20/10/2023 22:46

@MinnieL I’m a reformed character now 😇

MinnieL · 20/10/2023 22:50

Mermaidparades · 20/10/2023 22:46

@MinnieL I’m a reformed character now 😇

Haha if you say so😆

Interesting that the thread that was made to MN asking them for a response, was deleted because OP was a previously banned poster. I must say, I didn’t see that coming at all!

Sorry to derail your thread btw OP

InYourOwnHead · 21/10/2023 00:07

Haha yep you’ll defo need to clarify that as you don’t want a certain someone to make a post about you!

That was a horrible thing to do to someone when especially when what they were saying was true and they were trying to help out another user.

Interesting that the thread that was made to MN asking them for a response, was deleted because OP was a previously banned poster. I must say, I didn’t see that coming at all!

I think mumsnet should still answer the questions raised by that OP. Can we just go and quote a person we disagree with on site stuff now? It was left on for ages by mumsnet so I'm thinking we're allowed to do that.

InYourOwnHead · 21/10/2023 00:10

I didn't answer the OP with all the drama.

You just need to talk to each other OP. Having young kids means it's hard to find time and energy but if you talk about things, it'll help.

MinnieL · 21/10/2023 00:18

I also would have been interested to see what the response from MN would have been. I guess we’ll never know now

InYourOwnHead · 21/10/2023 00:30

MinnieL · 21/10/2023 00:18

I also would have been interested to see what the response from MN would have been. I guess we’ll never know now

Maybe I'll ask. Or maybe someone will test out if we're allowed, by doing what mermaid did and seeing how it goes. 😬

VWT5 · 21/10/2023 00:41

”I just don’t know how to do it really….without it feeling unnatural or forced”

My own tried and tested method is to ask for a simple back stroke, or I offer the same - it always moves on…

QueenVixen · 21/10/2023 11:39

If I feel our sex life needs a little boost, I will either seduce or initiate sex more often, I am also quite innovative so I try and bring new ideas to make our sex life the best it can be. Whether that’s dressing up or trying new things, communicating is also important.

PlusMinusDividedBy · 21/10/2023 12:48

I always find this an interesting topic. The responses can be very wide ranging. When you are out of practice, this suddenly it all feels awkward. Can be hard to navigate.

If is can all happen naturally then great. I have friend who have no issues but then they drink way more than me so their inhibitions are lowered.

As a man, have always found this to be tied to issues of respect. Have always been respectful. My second GF actually complained that I 'was too much of a gentleman' and she actually wanted me to ALWAYS make a move on her. I do look back on this and laugh really. She pretty much went off me because (her words) "I wasnt as randy as I used to be..."

Many years later and second marriage. I still find it hard to read things a little. My wife likes to dress up and come and find me. I will never say no to that.

Perhaps the OP could give her husband a flash of something nice underneath? It's good to have a sort of 'bat signal' worked out. Other friends use a pair of high heels. They leave them out by the stairs. That is the signal that the other person is open to sex without the fear of rejection.

Slartiblartfast · 21/10/2023 13:45

So when you watch TV, do you share a couch or have separate seating ? Just try snuggling up and pulling his arm around you.

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