Men with limited sexual experience?

[Myfishlikesjazzmusic]

Here is a question for the ladies.

Male here, mid fifties and my only sexual experience/relationships were with a lady in my late twenties, which lasted about 18 months. I ended things because she got too clingy/sulked when I had to go to work and her mum and sister used to phone me up frequently, complaining that I worked in an industry which involved shift-work and I should be spending all my time with her. I felt under so much pressure and trapped.

In my thirties, a lady I met on a night school course asked me out and we dated for about a year. She was a lady I knew locally a few years previously, who got married, moved away, separated from her husband and returned to the area again. She used to get very impatient with we as I occasionally could not sexually perform and then she turned it into an on/off relationship on her terms, which knocked my confidence.

I used to be very shy until my twenties, due to being bullied at school and generally lacking confidence.

I now feel more confident in myself, especially over the last 15 or 20 years, more socially outgoing and people often tell me how polite, generous, reliable, trustworthy and thoughtful I am.

Does limited sexual experience put you off a man?

Yes I think it would put me off, but it depends on the circumstances. It wouldn't just be about the sex side of things but I'd question why someone had been avoidant to relationships and if they were capable of commitment. I've dated men who lacked experience with sex and relationships and there are usually a problem under the surface. If it's just about sex, you can learn as you go but I think usually what makes good sex is sexual chemistry and if you are a good match sexually. Just because a man may have loads of experience, it doesn't mean the sex is going to be great.

I think a lot of people would be put off someone who seemed incapable of having relationships.

I do know that all of my friends would be put off by a man hanging around the mumsnet sex topic, announcing 'man here', calling us 'the ladies, telling us he had confidence issues yet shoehorning in an advert for himself as generous and thoughtful.

I can't imagine wanting to spend my time propping up someone else's apparent lack of confidence or doing it to join in with some sort of humiliation fetish which this sounds like. 🤔

To answer your question, no it would not put me off. I think that the longer you spend as a single though, the more challenging you may find being in a relationship and having to consider the thoughts and feelings of someone else.

@Osirus Makes some good points. From a blokes perspective, I understand your worries. Didn't lose my verginity until I was 27 and sex is infrequent, so you can worry both about performance, pleasing your partner, and maintaining your skillset, as It were. Best to be upfront about It, no shame in not having loads of experience, and any woman whose worth sleeping with ought to be tolerant as long as your willing to learn and take instruction, if appropriate.

Experience is one factor but as others have said, the wider picture would put me off. However, there is always someone out there for everyone

As others have said, lack of experience wouldn't worry me, but more how they conduct a relationship. I have had a guy who asked me if the fact he hadn't had sex for 8 years was a problem, which it wasn't, but then he demonstrated stalker behaviour which was really more the problem that he had.

It's amazing that the very inappropriate posts are never reported but when misogyny, pressuring women into having sex and entitlement is called out, posters here realise how to report..lol.

Try again. Basically, anyone saying that a woman isn't worth anything if she doesn't want to stay around for shit sex and for a bloke who is incapable of having relationships is disgusting. That level of entitlement is never going to be successful with women. No woman owes a man anything, definitely not sex lessons.

@KarmasOnYourScent Not sex lessons, obviously. Just a little bit of patience. Applicable for both men and women. You'd expect a little patience from a guy if a woman hasn't had sex in ages, she will likely be nervous etc, but the same is helpful with a woman for a guy too. Sex is dramatically improved with patience and good comms. Sex lessons, quite rightly, will be beyond the pale for some, and that's fine. A woman doesn't owe a guy anything, but neither does a guy owe a woman Anything. Op, ultimately It will depend on individual patience.

You said any woman who is worth sleeping with ought to be......

Don't bring a woman's worth into question and tell us what we 'ought' to be willing to do to make up for where you or any other man is lacking. As if we're not worth anything unless we pander to any inadequacies a man might have.

I should have phrased It as "anyone", for the avoidance of doubt. I'd have said No man is worth sleeping with, if It was a woman posting, but It's a bloke. I'm just saying that patience from both in this situation, if possible, is preferable. It won't always be possible, obviously.

Even then, there's no 'ought to be' about it. People will sleep or not sleep with who they want. It's no ones else's problem if someone is shit in bed and incapable of relationships. Deal with it.

Not going to bog down this thread with a largely pointless back and forth. I take your point. Others will have more valuable contributions possibly for the OP.

It's not an issue. Have confidence, be open about things and you won't have anything to worry about.

People have their "ideals" but it means very little in the real world.

Stop overthinking and get out there.

@DGConsultant

Don't dare PM me again. Ffs.

@MNHQ I can't seem to report the PM from this man. There's a message at the top of this topic to say please don't send unwanted PMs but he's done it anyway. I didn't ask for this man to PM me. Please can you deal with it. Thanks.

God all mighty. It was a polite apology. What is the world coming to. PM stated this. Hi. Look, sorry if my post irritated you. Bad choice of phrasing, anyone can make a mistake. Purely because It was a guy posting. All the best. Get a life.

I've added the "get a life", wasn't part of my original PM. Pathetic.

@KarmasOnYourScent You'll not have to worry about any future PM'S, I was just trying to be somewhat respectful of your views and attempting to be nice, but clearly that goes over your head.

I never used to get DMs on here until I joined the sex board, and all but one have been from men. I'm not sure men understand just how on alert we are, due to the amount of unsolicited DMs we get, so I can understand @KarmasOnYourScent's reaction. I get so many on Insta/FB/Twitter/Fetlife.

An apology in the open would be much better, DMs I get usually go south

Exactly. PMs that start as something innocent soon turn into some pervy bloke oversharing. I've deleted 2 accounts previously due to it and I'm not the only one that's had this issue of mumsnet.

Combined with knowing what certain posters have posted before, including now deleted posts and the fact that mumsnet state not to send unwanted PMs, sending me one was far from the 'respectful and nice' thing that he claims it to be.

Then of course the real him comes out calling me pathetic and telling me to get a life.

I agree. Why should someone's potential inferiority at sex and relationships become a woman's problem? Lots of women don't have to compromise when it comes to who we sleep with and have our pick so why put up with crap?

The attitude that women (or men) ought to be willing to do things or they are seen as bad is horrible.

When men are not having much luck with women and would like to have relationships with them, it may be a good idea to listen when women are pointing out things that they don't like.

Just from this thread, don't tell women what they ought to do, don't cross boundaries (like sending unwanted messages), don't make excuses for crossing them after the event, don't try to make women sound mad for not being ok with something, accept when you've done wrong instead of calling women names and throwing insults. Other threads from this board with men moaning about lack of relationships or lack of sex within relationships reveal more things that these men think are ok, but again, no woman I know would put up with.

If men are doing/saying those things here, they will probably be doing/saying them in real life. Every woman I know would be put off. It's really unattractive and disrespectful. If they want to have successful relationships, they really need to cut the entitlement and misogyny.

It says at the top of the board: do not send unsolicited / unwanted PMs. I really do wish that men on here would stick to this rule. Again and again we hear reports of contributors, all women, being deluged with sleazy messages and come-ons after they've posted a thread. It's shitty, entitled behaviour and gets right in the way of the discussion this board is for. And while that's going on, as it always seems to me, why - men particularly - send a PM at all, even if your intentions are good?

@MNHQ please, please can we have the 90-day rule back?

This is hyperbolic. The quote is:

any woman whose worth sleeping with ought to be tolerant as long as your willing to learn and take instruction, if appropriate.

Or, don't sleep with shitheads. Standard advice for both sexes.

even if your intentions are good?

Their intentions are not good. It stamps all over the woman's boundaries to send a PM without asking, as well as mumsnets own rules.

The men that do it love making women feel uncomfortable, Then because it's an 'apology' that he sent the poster, he gets to try to pretend it was with good intentions. It's terrible behaviour and mumsnet needs to ban these men.