Women seeking women

[TwistedForest]

Hey Mumsnetters! So perhaps this isn't the best place to ask this question but here goes!

I have a male partner, no kids, both in our 30s and recently we got to talking (over a good few drinks) about our sexual history and I told him about a drunken fumble I had with a woman years ago. This progressed into a further conversation about my sexuality and curiousity about women/if I might be bi.. the conversation was relaxed and fun and he didn't seem phased at all.. he then suggested that I might think about exploring this further alone.. HE suggested! We both found the thought a turn on and the night ended very steamy indeed (best sex we've had in months) it's nit since been mentioned.

Ever since it's all I can think about and I'm seriously considering possibly trying to find a woman to date. But how does one go about this?? Do I try search for women in similar situations (bi curious with partner) are there other women out there in my position? Would lesbian or bisexual women find this off-putting? I'm not even sure what I'd be looking for.

I guess any experiences/guidence would be a great help! Anyone else been in this situation? Also, am I being super selfish here?

@Maybebe Shame

It's a real shame that thread got pulled! @Maybebe Does the off site thing still exist? Hoping this discussion continues as it's refreshing! 😀

@TwistedForestWhy not try SkirtClub or a KillingKittens female only event? They are aimed at bi / curious women, many of who are married or have a male partner, and offer a way to meet women in a similar situation casually, without the emotional entanglement of 'dating'.

I hope this post is ok here. It seems like it’s of a similar vibe to the thread.

Married MF couple with a bi female who is looking to explore that side more, but in our case we would look to involve husband as well.

We have had limited success on Fabswingers but waste so much time chatting to people who never actually have any intention of meeting. We are London area.

Does anyone have any advice? Is killing Kittens worth the fee?

Thanks

Place-marking :) @TwistedForest similar boat here although I'm only casually dating guys. Bi curious, I'm also interested in Killing Kittens - is it as glam as it's made out to be? Have you tried any apps OP?

I've been a member of Killing Kittens since 2019 and would highly recommend it, especially if you want to start by chatting to others and learning from their experience before you embark on meeting someone IRL.

You can use it as a dating app but personally I'm not a big fan of swiping based on a profile. I prefer the chat groups... there's one specifically for women interested in other women.

Social events are a great opportunity to meet other members near you and to have a little flirt in a fun setting. Or, if you want to dive straight in, the Clitoratti parties are exclusively female.

am I being super selfish here?

Potentially, to the woman you seek.

When I read your thread title, I saw "Women Seeking Women" and thought "lesbian", not "bicurious". It's one thing to go to a female-led sex party, but quite another to go to a gay bar where you are likely to meet lesbians who may want something exclusive and more committed. Expectations need to be managed carefully.

This was part of what I was thinking when I wrote my first reply. I am autistic and struggle to articulate feelings so I stuck to advice that would hopefully reduce the chance of you upsetting someone.

Lesbians tend to dislike bicurious women wanting to "try out". If you think about it, it makes sense. No one wants to be what Peter Griffin in Family Guy calls "a practice girl", especially when there's a very good chance that said bicurious woman will decide that she prefers men or finds it socially easier to date men.

And lesbians really don't like the idea of basically being wank fodder for a bi or bicurious woman's boyfriend. As User1789 said, a lot of bi women don't like that either. A huge huge problem for bi women in the swinging community is "unicorn hunters", mixed-sex couples who want a female FWB to share but don't even think about how we feel about being basically a sex toy for them.

Basically, if you want to treat women casually, go to a sex party where that expectation is inherent in the nature of the event.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia and @User1789 .I do so agree with your sentiments, I am Bi and so tired of trying to make contact with another woman only to discover that i am being 'procured' as part of a treat for her and her DP.
Never experienced a 3some myself but surely most men will regard the extra woman as a free bonus shag to round off the evening.

Many of us came into this during or after a conventional marriage/LTR. Sometimes it seems confusing and we seek advice. For those I have no objections at all.

Excellent points @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia speaking as a lesbian myself who's had a really horrible experience with a newbie bi curious woman. Be sure to be upfront about your intentions and consider their feelings. I realise that may be tricky, hell when I first started out I was so confused and all over the place. You'll be experiencing all these new emotions and they can be intense.

Unfornuately she was a total headfuck, did the whole using me to turn on men and for attention. Disposing off me after she got what she wanted. It left me feeling really sore afterwards, more so than any breakup I've ever had. I went from being confident and open with my feelings to doubting every single action I ever made. Clear communication is important. I think for lesbians/experienced women is that we've done it all before so if we like someone it's more genuine rather than novelty.

It's positive that you've asked this question @TwistedForest and started this conversation. It shows that you already have considered the other person. Sex parties might be a good option. Although imo having amazing chemistry/connection really does amplify the experience 1000x. Something that comes with a more on-going fwb/datey type scenerio. Lots to think about.

Ah I miss the excitement you get at the beginning. Good luck with your journey and have fun!😊

Oh that sounds terrible! @FastAndTheCurious00 sorry you had to go through that. I'd hope the woman I have this experience with doesn't feel disposed off. In regards to the miscommunication issues with lesbians/bisexuals, couldn't bi curious newbies have the capacity to treat other bi curious in the same way? Gosh I properly sound so naive here 😂I mean, I guess there's a limited pool of women in general suited to my needs.

I'm still trying to work out what I want but chatting to other like minded ladies helps 😊

@TwistedForest Have you seen the thread on Relationships?
Woman + Woman | Mumsnet
That OP seems to use Explore as being acceptable, rather than 'experiment'.

A huge huge problem for bi women in the swinging community is "unicorn hunters", mixed-sex couples who want a female FWB to share but don't even think about how we feel about being basically a sex toy for them.

Surely the Swinging scene is there for precisely that. It is no different than a single man straight or bi joining a couple. At the end of the session the singleton goes home having got him/herself off as well as the couple.
If you are looking for more then the swinging scene isn't really the place to look for it.

Thankyou @TwistedForest I don't think she set out to hurt me though, but expectations/behaviours could have been handled differently in so many ways. Hence why I stress clear and proper communication. I really hope I didn't put a downer on your thread! I think it's an interesting topic 😀

The clue is in the term FWB, they often want repeat sessions and that hs emotional repercussions.

Have you watched open house on channel 4? Great way to start discussing.

Are you looking for a threesome or a swing with another couple?

Me and my husband have threesomes with another woman.

It's important you discuss boundaries.

Ask me anything

I think you are misinterpreting 'Friends with benefits'. If any party is starting to getting feelings other than sexual, then they should quit the arrangement.
If you are unable to deal with it ths way, then stick to regular dating.

How else should I interpret the "friends" part of FWB?

@CallumDansTransitVan I disagree! FWB implies some kind of connection beyond just sex. A fuck buddy is just sex, but FWB is sex plus a connection/ some kind of feelings but with neither party planning to progress it to a relationship, for whatever reason(s)

Perhaps Friends with benefits isn't the most appropriate term with regard to swinging. But I still stand by the statement that neither party should expect anything more than sex & that it can end at any point with no hurt on either side.
I'd certainly consider swinging lifestyle to be a sex only thing. If you fear being left with feelings of just being there for sexual pleasure or even experimentation, it probably isn't for you.

I've confused swinging with polyamoury because there is some overlap between the two activities and sets of people involved.

But there is a problem in polyamourous scenes with mixed couples wanting a bi woman they can invite around when it suits them and ignore the rest of the time. These are called "unicorn hunters" and bi women don't like being treated that way.

You should say “some bi women don’t like being treated this way”

Others do, and sign up for exactly that. You can’t speak for everyone anymore than a straight woman can speak for all straight women, or a gay man can.

A non-negligible proportion of bi women don't like it, so be prepared for a sharp rebuttal should you try it.

I agree. You wouldn't assume the majority of straight people are into swinging, so don't assume that about bisexual people, particularly women. The percentage of people who have more than one sexual partner might be higher for bisexuals, but it's still a small percentage over those that don't participate in this sort of stuff.