Fwb change in sexual pattern

[Naivetohope]

I've posted elsewhere before about having potential feelings for him but if I'm honest I think I'm maybe going off him a bit now. Don't know if that's really true or if it's just a reaction to believing he's not that into me, and I'm a bit pissed off about something that actually I have no real right to be but can't help it.

I've noticed recently that when we have sex it's not lasting as long as it used to, but I'm not meaning premature ejaculation at all, he always lasted quite a long time it's just not as long as it used to be, it's still a good amount of time, he's favouring one or 2 positions rather than the variety there used to be, there's less foreplay, less after play. It's still good, still satisfying, but the change has me concerned.

Possibly an age thing? Possibly other stresses? Or another indicator he's not so into me? (Although he seems to come harder now? Another difference I'm not sure what to make of?)

Would appreciate female and male perspectives please?

M here,
I would say he’s not into you so much,

I say this through experience as I’m not really feeling it with my FWB so much anymore and I recognise what you have described

That sucks! But is kinda what I suspected.

Any suggestions how I can turn things around maybe?

It's a very long standing arrangement I would hate to lose if I'm honest. It suits me well for the most part. Thought it did him too.

Without seeing to be rude, could he be bored if been long standing ?, can you shake things up

I’ve noticed with my FWB that the last few months she has become quite lazy, I’ve been doing the majority of arranging , travelling & paying so I think that’s enough for me to end it

I hope not bored if anything it's me getting bored in that regard. There used to be more variety to our sex but he seems to be favouring a certain routine and positions for some reason I'm not sure what. I like variety and mixing things up. He knows this. That's partly why I was wondering if it might be an age/stress thing on his part?

He's never been great at expressing what he's in the mood for though I do know certain things he definitely doesn't like as he does with me. He's hard to read in every way.

I'm certainly not lazy and put a lot of effort in when we are getting together, with appearance etc I surprise him on occasion too in certain ways that he says he appreciates.

Maybe he's just got really comfortable as it's been long standing and it's made him rest on his laurels a bit? I'd guess the positions he's favouring are just his favourite ones. That's what I would assume anyway. Maybe try taking a bit more control, no penetration till he's done x, y and z to you, you decide the position first and then change to what he likes etc

Maybe because we have been getting together more frequently recently as I've had more free time.

I think the positions he's favouring aren't really favourites but ones where he lasts longer and can slow down or even pause if he's getting close. There are other positions he seems to enjoy but that he comes very quickly in if we use those, he always has. Then he acts worried I've not enjoyed it.

I have thought about suggesting ideas when we're chatting plans for next hookup that would sorta naturally involve more teasing more foreplay, that I think he'd go along with but it would be coming from me not him so would I know if he's losing interest or not then? Would I be lying to myself sorta?

Bit like when you've fought with someone but they only apologize cuz you've asked em too?

Yep, this seems like it is coming to an end. Dump him and find someone else.

Ugh! Stomach in knots at the thought it's been a very long standing arrangement albeit on and off over the years. Even though fwb it does kinda feel like an ending of a relationship and let's face it nobody relishes that whether dumper or dumpee do they?

This so totally sucks! Just a few months ago it felt like it could have become something more and now this.

I think it only fair to say to you all I do tend to be a massive overthinker and read into situations what's not there and mostly in a negative way.

Weirdly I think if I actually asked him if he thought we were good he'd say all was fine.

I don't know what to say to him! Any suggestions please? I don't wanna end the arrangement if this is a short term blip but equally I don't wanna be taken for granted or drag the misery out?

@Naivetohope what is stopping you asking if he wants anything more ?

Fuck! I've just found out he is in a relationship (he did a very good job of keeping this hidden! I'm not one for not checking things).

I'm trying to not react in the heat of the moment and do or say something I might regret but wow it's hard!

If anyone willing to discuss via pm so I can give more pertinent details I'd be grateful.

I've nobody I can talk to about this in real life. Some friends would be weird about a fwb thing anyway, those that wouldn't would be more like "what's the big deal?" Argh!

@Naivetohope
>>I have thought about suggesting ideas when we're chatting plans for next hookup that would sorta naturally involve more teasing more foreplay, that I think he'd go along with but it would be coming from me not him so would I know if he's losing interest or not then? Would I be lying to myself sorta?

Male here - I think you are overthinking this - talk to him about things you'd like to do/games to play - see how he reacts/things go (he can of course veto SOME things without conclusions drawn) and if goes well/more great sex, all is well.

Or is it possible that all this apparent concern about the sex is really to do with the "feels" you referred to?

As for the quick suggestion above that you should just dump him now, I see the prototype Mnet BOT is still languishing in its wonky development stage. So I'd just ignore that.

ah, just read your post above - somewhat more complicated.

Just a tad! I'm livid! I don't appreciate being lied to, made into an ow unwillingly and unknowingly but I'm trying to not let on to him yet as I want some thinking space. The temptation is to contact his partner and fill her in on exactly what he's been up to! I certainly have the bloody proof!

But I also have my own personal safety to consider as he knows where I live. I really don't know what to do for the best.

If anyone willing to discuss via pm so I can give more pertinent details I'd be grateful.

Wow. In less than 5 hours of posting, you found out he was actually in a relationship and asked for PMs to discuss. 🧐

Unfortunately yes but I understand it may seem dubious just certain details would be very identifying

If you can find the strength, ignore the temptation to seek answers from him or tell him how you feel. Just walk away with your dignity intact. He’s clearly not who you thought he was and you’ve had a lucky escape.

There are so many wonderful, worthy-of-your-time men out there.

Not sure I can do that. I need answers! Trying to though.

@Naivetohope sorry you are in the situation you are in. I understand your tempations to "spill the beans", and your anger & frustration.

Part of me says go for it - considering you've been seeing each other for so long, (and it IS a relationship - no matter what anyone says!) he hasn't shown you any care or respect - he was obviously happy just getting his jollies (as a matter of inerest was it just sex, or did you do other things ?)

But the bigger part of me says keep quiet - block him, stop seeing him, don't interact with him ever again - he has used you, and ruined your trust in him, and you don't need that in your life. I bet you are now wondering if he'd done something similar before.. it would certainly explain the change in his sexual behaviour...

It's difficult not having someone to talk this all over with though, I completely get that - been there, done that, got the T-shirt.. I'd offer, but I'm probably not an ideal person...

I Still don't get/understand the fwb thing.... Is it not a relationship? Do you sleep with other people? ... If so maybe he likes Someone else more. If its not a relationship why is it bothering you? Just genuinely a bit confused about it all

Sorry just read your prev comments that he's in a relationship.

I'm honestly all over the place!

Was so angry when I first found out, now I'm sad, disappointed and I'm definitely going to miss the great sex!

He would probably say just sex, but it wasn't like he ran off as soon as he was done kinda thing! We talked a lot about all sorts of things, I've got messages from him saying it's not just the sex it's the talking and the chill time he enjoys too. He's come over when sex wasn't on the cards, he's brought gifts etc he messages me throughout the day every day even at Christmas etc (this is partly why I didn't suspect!)

Why do you think you're not an ideal person if you've been through similar?

Sundance - not a traditional relationship no and not exclusive to each other, that I get and was cool with. BUT the understanding was that I don't sleep with cheats he knew this, he knew I only participated in genuinely open relationship situations.

@Naivetohope ahh...makes more sense re: he should have been open regarding seeing someone else. But tbh the whole fwb thing sounds awful... Really Confusing/hurtful and nightmarish. Why would anyone put the self through that?

@Naivetohope honestly? I'm a single guy - you might feel I'd be suggesting pm-ing me for the wrong reasons..

I've had two fwb - we did non-sexual things together - meals, cinema, weekends away, even holidays together - probably more a NSA relationship than fwb? And yes, messages every day etc.

I had an open relationship with both of them- if we saw anyone else we told each other - sometimes it added to the sex!

But my description of a fwb might not be yours!

You have every right to be angry, and of course you are sad. He was a big part of your life, and it's gone, and because of the way it's ended, it'll never come back.

You're grieving, give yourself a break.
Sending virtual hugs.