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Sex

Paying for sex

26 replies

Pollypocket11 · 01/07/2023 18:36

I've name changed for this thread.
Do any female mumsnetters know of or have experience of paying a man for sex. I am happily single, I have loads of men who are interested in dating me and quite a few who I have to admit are sexually attractive to me. My problem is that I have come out of very messy divorce and have two children at home with me 95% of the time.
I really miss sex but I feel like I am not emotionally healed enough to embark properly on a new relationship and if I did take up one of the offers I have had to start a sexual relationship it would likely go wrong (because I would sabotage it probably).
Is there a safe and reliable way of paying a man for sex (i.e. someone who does that as a job and is somehow vetted like an escort etc but a total strangers so it is entirely no strings attached apart from the agreed price for me to pay). Safety (i.e. I enjoy it but never have to see him again) and me being sexually attacted are the main things from my side.

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DGConsultant · 01/07/2023 18:45

@Pollypocket11 You have a multiplicity of options. Find a casual FWB, loads of sites/apps to choose from, male escorting is most definitely a thing so could be easily facilitated and you can take your pick in terms of attractiveness, if I were suggesting the same for myself though, single bloke, I'd get flamed like mad on here mind you, but I don't judge because everyone's situation is different and unique. Initially I'd try the FWB, NSA route, you'll not have difficulty finding someone if you make It clear what your seeking. Good luck. 😎

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Pollypocket11 · 01/07/2023 18:57

Thanks DG for your thoughts.
I don't really understand your comment " if I were suggesting the same for myself though, single bloke, I'd get flamed like mad on here mind you, but I don't judge because everyone's situation is different and unique."

What I want is someone who is not local and I am very confident does not know anyone I know and is extremely professional and discrete. Its annoying because, for example, my personal trainer who I am attracted to has indicated he would be up for it but as soon as my mind turns to the idea of it, it starts to shut down because I think "if i caught feelings or (less likely) if he did then it would really really annoy me to have to find a new personal trainer" etc. I just don't want that.
I am mid 40s and i kind of want a post graduate student or something and I don't want to give them gifts or be anything to them apart from what we agree in advance. I also don't really want it to be an ongoing thing particularly, just a one off type thing.
FWB is not really going to work because most likely that will be someone I already know or someone who knows someone I already know.

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DGConsultant · 01/07/2023 19:07

Tricky one. Tinder, Bumble, you could easily find a guy say 25 to 35 willing, but you'd need to be careful to keep It totally transactional and not get emotionally involved, and once you've had good sex and really enjoyed, for example, not catching feelings is easier said than done. Particularly if really good, so easy to want multiple repeat performances. Us blokes catch feelings too, so not an easy solution. Theoretically simple, but in actuality, could pose challenges. A male escort, where the parameters are clearly delineated, might be your best option then. When there's a financial transaction involved, It has a professional, detached tone possibly, so I understand why you are asking. In a very similar situation myself, so good god, It is tough.

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Choochoo22 · 01/07/2023 19:11

With all dear respect- using a persons body for your sexual gratification because you’re not emotionally able to detach from sex and feelings screams you probably need to peruse lovehoney or bondara if I’m honest.

I understand sex is important- I’m part of the sex group, however I couldn’t sit here pointing you in the direction of using a mans body because you’re going through a rough time and need sex. Get yourself in a good place first then explore other no-string avenues if you’re still not ready for a romantic relationship (FWB, fab swingers etc).

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Pollypocket11 · 01/07/2023 19:12

Being female I had assumed that for men it was relatively easy to pay for sex if you want to.
For women so far as I know the same thing does not exist (or at least I have not heard anyone talk about any reliable website etc) The trouble with tinder/bumble is that if they enjoy it then they will likely get funny about not repeating the experience on their terms which would kind of defeat it for me.
I don't know I had hoped there might be somewhere reliable and safe which offers this type of no strings money only thing, obviously not.

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Pollypocket11 · 01/07/2023 19:15

Choochoo22 haha
I assume you are joking right? I am not "using a man's body" I am, in agreement with him in advance, paying him money to have sex with me on a one off basis with no further obligations on either side.
All I am asking is that we both agree what happens, he is happy with the price and I am safe throughout the process and (hopefully) enjoy it. and that he is not someone I know in any other context of my life nor does he know me.
Call me sexist if you like but saying I am "using his body" is a bit extreme?

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Pollypocket11 · 01/07/2023 19:17

I was looking for a website recommendation to be honest. If there is not one fair enough

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mnmnddddd · 01/07/2023 22:44

No experience or first hand advice, but I've been through a similar thought process.
Personally, I think paying a male escort is preferable ethically to finding a FWB. Either way you're using them for sexual gratification and if there's an exchange of money, it ismore honest and very clear you don't want them calling you the next time they're horny and you're not.
Ages aho I found a website - can't remember the name now - that was mainly female escorts, but also had a section for male escorts too, and they had supposedly customer reviews. It felt a bit better than other options, but I never had the guts to go through with it.
Hope you get what you need and don't get flamed to much for the Q.

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Pollypocket11 · 01/07/2023 22:51

mnmnddddd · Today 22:44
couldn't agree more.

If you could be 100% assured that you were going to be safe, the man has been vetted as professional and safe to meet and it was as purely money transaction I think there would be quite a lot of demand for this (or maybe its just me!!).
Someone else has commented to me that the UK has not really caught up with the possible gap in the market here. It is really about feeling safe doing this I think.

I'm not sure about being flamed for the question. (eg Choochoo22  above). If the man offering the services is happy to offer it and is not coerced or compelled in any way to do it and is respected and respectful himself of the woman I genuinely cannot see why there is a problem.

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Whatajokr · 01/07/2023 23:08

I found a great fwb a few years ago on

Plentymorenaughtyfish.com

He lives a decent distance from me, so no mutual friends.

I spend more time at his, as he has no children.

We get on really well, but we are truly just friends. We check in with each other every 6 months or so to check we aren't feeling more for each other. It works for us, and it's free.

I call him my Mr Right Now, not Mr Right.

Would this sort of arrangement work better for you?

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Pollypocket11 · 01/07/2023 23:21

Whatajokr · Today 23:08 interesting

A few years back a new male acquaintance of mine and i acknowledged that the sexual chemistry between us was off the charts for some reason. I don't know why because he wasn't my type particularly, its just whenever i saw him i could not help but think about sex and it seems it was mutual. He emailed me out of the blue fairly bluntly offering to come over to mine and "follow through" (what a turn of phrase! but we both knew what he meant).
Unfortunately because in my head I had put him in the potential relationship category I turned him down so that went nowhere and we have both moved on thankfully. As I say above I am not ready for a relationship at this point in my life so that is the problem with something like Bumble or Tinder - if you find you do actually like the person then its too confusing.

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Whatajokr · 02/07/2023 08:19

Unfortunately because in my head I had put him in the potential relationship category I turned him down... ...I am not ready for a relationship at this point in my life... ...if you find you do actually like the person then its too confusing.

Not being ready for a relationship right now... Fine.

Having a box in your head that's called "potential relationship"...less fine if you're looking for casual sex. Whether you pay someone for sex or meet them on tinder, you're likely to start attaching to them BECAUSE you have that box in your head.

I went on that website with a "do I want to have sex with him?" box in my head. I couldn't have sex with someone I don't find attractive, and for me, a picture and a description doesn't cut it. I need to get to know someone, that's when I'm attracted and want sex with them. I had loads of fun meeting several people from that website that way, and current fwb is the one which has lasted the longest. I saw none of them as relationship material, and none of them wanted to be seen as relationship material.

Have a think about if you'll be better off seeing different men every time you want to pay for sex, or if you want the same man each time, as he'll know you and know what you'll like. And if it's the same, how you think you'll view him. Will he go in that box in your head that you need to bin off tbh if you're just looking for casual sex?

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Pollypocket11 · 02/07/2023 11:05

Whatajokr · Today 08:19 interesting
I didn't hook up with that guy after his to-the-point email to me by the way (well, apart from in my head/ imagination of course 😂)

" I need to get to know someone, that's when I'm attracted and want sex with them"
Yep. I imgaine this is how it differs for women


"I had loads of fun meeting several people from that website that way, and current fwb is the one which has lasted the longest. "

The trouble with indicating on bumble/tinder whatever that you are looking for someone to hook up with on a totally casual basis is:

  • you have to take into account their agenda - they might say they want that then change their mind
  • there is a far far more likely chance that they will know you somehow or you will know them somehow, or if you don't and they enjoy it enough then one or both of you finds out enough about each other that you are not then strangers. If you pay, it feels like you could be more assured of absolute confidentiality, discretion, professional and pre-agreed on your terms.

Everyone knows where they stand.

Provided the guy is good with that (and I get that there may be some who after the fact are not actually ok in their heads with receiving money for sex but there will be others who completely understand and are totally professional about it and do it on the terms it is, namely a one off transaction).
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DixonD · 02/07/2023 13:42

I’ve never been down this road (and wouldn’t; no judgement however) so have no advice but if you do decide to pursue this option, would you happy in say five/ten years’ time, perhaps in a serious relationship at that point, and be able to look back and not feel some regret about having paid someone for sex?

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mnmnddddd · 02/07/2023 13:56

I can't see why 5yrs would be any more relevant to paid-for-sex than free-sex. I've had a couple of partners (20+yrs ago) whom I regret(consensually) sleeping with, and there was no money involved.
If someone can be equally as comfortable with a consensual one night stand /FB as paying someone to cook them a meal, I dont see why sex should be any different. If you ask me, it's only orwellian ideas about sex that have convinced us that sex should only ever be more than just pleasure.
In an era and culture when conception is a choice for most, its long overdue that women should be as free to buy any service offered, without guilt, just as they are to free to hire a lawyer or plumber or to buy a car or a bra.

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Pollypocket11 · 02/07/2023 14:29

"and be able to look back and not feel some regret about having paid someone for sex?"

Do you mean if I met a man who actually disclosed he had feelings for me and it was reciprocated, and then I told him I went through a lengthy period of time in my life when I missed sex enough to pay for a professional to have sex with me on a purely transactional basis, and then that man decided I was not for him?
I think its fair enough, in the same way women might be turned off by the idea that men have had sex with prostitutes in their history.

But if I was a man, I would be equally turned off to find out that a woman has led men on in the past, used them for money,used them for "perks" (eg sugar daddies) and misled them as to where it might ultimately go. There are men who are genuinely cool with that, but there will also be men who are aggrieved in hind sight and I would think that was fair enough to feel that way.

I think I'd have a problem with a man who implied I had not "kept myself pure" because I paid for sex. Paying cash for sex is not ok but sleeping around with lots of different men (but it never going anywhere) is ok?

I actually think it comes down to the man more than the woman to be honest in this situation. There will be a fair number of men who will in retrospect get the ick from the idea that a woman is giving him cold hard cash for professional no strings sex. There might even be men who cannot actually perform on that basis. All of which is fair enough and unlike female prostitutes for that reason I would say its a far better position for men to do this than women. I cannot see a man saying "even tho I paid you I now want a relationship with you inspite of the terms at the start" - can you?

Some men are actually doing this on a serious level (instagram following, keep themselves in top condition etc) so I don't think I am the only woman who has asked herself this question, its just finding where these men are.

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Pollypocket11 · 02/07/2023 14:31

sorry
not ""even tho I paid you " i meant "even tho you paid me" obvs

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Whatajokr · 02/07/2023 15:25

Everyone on the website I used was there to hook up, not relationship. It was great. Completely upfront about intentions. Not many face pics on the site. I searched outside my local area and everyone I connected with was far from my friend circle.

I now consider my FWB that I met on that site a friend, whereas he started as just being someone I hooked up with. I prefer it that way, but that's me. It's really not a relationship though. No joint life goals, no holidays booked, no deep conversations. Just a pleasant person I enjoy spending time with and having sex with. He views me the same.

I completely understand if you want that more professional feel by paying to guard your anonymity. I couldn't do it myself, as I need to have a connection with someone to have sex with them. And I like saving money too, so I don't see the point in paying for something you can get for free.

Good luck finding what you're looking for. I wish you every success. And many orgasms.

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pendleflyer · 02/07/2023 15:33

A woman I used to know had an american book that was aimed at women seeking no strings sex.
One of the recommendations was to have some cards printed off declaring your interest in playing with someone, and a contact number - not your main one presumably. Then head off some distance to entirely separate towns/cities and just hand these out to men you liked the look of. Then head back and wait for the calls.
Has the advantage over hook-up sites I suppose that you can visually check out folks first so obviously avoid anyone you recognise/are aware of a link with. You are also in control of what you give out about yourself when they get in touch. And obviously they won't even know where you live.
I fear a bloke couldn't do this without getting into serious trouble, but that's life.

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myNewName21 · 02/07/2023 21:31

Pollypocket11 · 01/07/2023 19:17

I was looking for a website recommendation to be honest. If there is not one fair enough

Check out Adultwork, mostly women selling sexual services, but there are some men as well

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mnmnddddd · 03/07/2023 06:54

myNewName21 · 02/07/2023 21:31

Check out Adultwork, mostly women selling sexual services, but there are some men as well

That's the one I was thinking of but couldn't remember.
I've had another look and there seems to be a lot more men bragging about their big dicks now rather than knowing how to use them, and others who have no idea how to sell themselves. Maybe you can find someone good, but I think you'll have to swipe left a lot.

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ArcticSkewer · 08/07/2023 07:22

I'm not sure how 'professional' they really are. It isn't like there is a list of training schools they go to, and they would mainly be sleeping with men so no reason to think they would be any better or worse in bed than someone you are not paying. Not getting the practice! Also quite possibly not using condoms with others, although more likely at least to be on prep so less risk of hiv.

Try a sex website like fet or fab. Put in your requirements. Interview them by message or phone. Job trial. Easy.

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ValerieBroad · 04/08/2023 11:38

Friends with benefits would be my suggestion. Thete are lots of sites to look on and as a fem you are likely to have loads of options as I feel the sites are heavily loaded with men and short if women. I would avoud casual one night stands (picking up in a pub say) as they may be after a relationship or be dodgy whereas FWB can be vetted while you are sober and can ask probing questions.

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Augustus40 · 04/08/2023 13:26

Adultfriendfinder.

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