AIBU? Horny

[Julesit]

Looking for some opinions - am I being unreasonable?

dp has always been interested in sex. We’re still young (late 20s) and he was my first so he basically ‘taught’ me everything. He has always said his sex drive is every 3 days. We’ve only ever done it more than once in a day about 3/4 times in 8 years.

I was always shy and as I didn’t know much I didn’t have the confidence to be freaky in the beginning of our relationship. He’s the dominant one so he’s always taken control. It just turned into a situation over the years where we only have sex when he wants it. I had tried over the years to come onto him but he has never liked me initiating sex.

I believe it’s a control/dominance issue. I have tried dressing up in sexy lingerie and I’d just get rejected, I’ve tried more subtle ways like just trying to initiate a kiss and still got rejected. He would tell me things like how I should wear a mini skirt and sit on his lap, or a satin night dress, or pull him to the room etc yet any time I have tried any of that I’ve been rejected. We spoke on this before and he told me he wants to be the one to ‘fuck me’ and not the other way around.

I’m not overpowering at all and naturally a shy submissive girl so that’s absolutely fine but I would like to initiate myself sometimes when I’m in the mood. The past few months I keep having 2 weeks during my cycle when I am so horny and can only think about sex (this hasn’t happened before) and I’ve gotten to a stage where I really want to be able to express myself sexually with him. During those times he’s known I’ve been horny but never given it to me. I will be dripping wet all day waiting for him to come to me and it doesn’t happen. A week then passes and by that stage I’m very frustrated and angry because by the time he does come to have sex with me I’m not turned on or in the mood like I was before. So I just miss out.

yes I have communicated this to him a few times recently but nothing has changed. Our sex is pretty good, we can have really freaky sex but it has to be based on him initiating and taking control. I really want to have a partner I can jump on when he comes through the door occasionally! I want to be able to kiss and be affectionate when I want.

the past month sex has slowed down. I noticed he hadn’t had sex with me in a week and by the time he did he stopped after 2 minutes because my period had came. After 2 weeks he finally had sex with me but it was a quickie… no foreplay at all which is strange as he’s always wanted to make sure I finish or go down on me to start. The last 4/5 times we’ve had sex he’s just put it inside with no foreplay at all, got his and that’s it.

I know people may say I should just masturbate (which I have considered) but I don’t like doing that. I can easily have an orgasm within 30 seconds if I want, but an orgasm isn’t the only thing I want. It won’t satisfy me. I CRAVE the physical intimacy. I want to have the skin to skin contact, I want to kiss and make out and touch etc.

im currently in that period of gagging for sex. It’s been 5/6 days like this, I will be so wet all day and I can’t stop thinking about sex, I’ll wait for him to initiate but it’s not happening. He knows I’m horny, I even text him telling him I want sex but still nothing. I’m really frustrated!

the part I feel unreasonable about:
a few days ago he found out something personal that’s made him quite upset (not a health problem don’t worry) but just something that we’ve been dealing with for a while. I’ve always been there to support him, when I gathered the courage to text him ‘I want to have sex’ he didn’t acknowledge that part but instead replied with the life issue that occurred. I felt silly for even insinuating sex at that point as there’s much bigger issues. Since then I know he’s been feeling quite down and depressed which I 100% understand if he wasn’t in the mood to have sex. But even when I’ve been going through hard times in my life or mentally I’m still expected to have sex with him, he doesnt put it aside etc.

I thought maybe I should just try and come into him, maybe it will help take his stress away for the moment? But I can’t bring myself to have the courage to even try to come onto him. Also, all I did was lie in the bed next to him last night, ask him ‘do you need any help’ and he got annoyed and told me ‘I don’t want you like this, leave me alone’. He hasn’t made any effort with me recently and then when he left for work he squeezed my bum on the way out in which I gave him some attitude. I felt annoyed - you can touch me when you want but when I’m wanting affection I get nothing?!

am I bring unreasonable to feel this way? AIBU to want sex in this moment? What can I do in this situation? He’s a young, fit man who talks/thinks about sex 24/7 and mentions his fantasies, what he likes etc. I know if another girl was to do the things I do he’s love it and get turned on. What’s his issue with me?

No expert, but the best relationships are predicated on sexual equality. That sounds like a one-sided sexual exchange. Both parties should have the freedom to initiate, so that sounds a little unhealthy.

This doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship. I think it could lead to a lot of resentment.

Yes it’s not healthy and now I’m getting more sexual it’s bothering me more.

he said a few days ago after seeing me frustrated ‘if you want to do it just tell me’. But I can’t because he still won’t do it, or he wouldn’t be as interested in doing it if it’s not him in the mood.

I think tonight will be my final night of waiting, if he’s in a ‘good’ mood I might try initiate myself. If I get nothing I will be doing it myself! (Should also note I don’t masturbate anyway but he doesn’t like the idea of me doing it and has told me not to do it)

am I bring unreasonable to feel this way? AIBU to want sex in this moment? What can I do in this situation? He’s a young, fit man who talks/thinks about sex 24/7 and mentions his fantasies, what he likes etc. I know if another girl was to do the things I do he’s love it and get turned on. What’s his issue with me?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but no-one should be having sex they don’t want, if he doesn’t want sex right now - they I think you should accept that, but the the reverse is also true, if you don’t want sex then he should also accept that ,

you should free to initiate - but by the same token you should accept rejection and not take it personally, everyone get’s rejected at some stage

I completely agree. It just seems like I give and he takes and that’s all it is.

accepting rejection occasionally that’s normal but 8 years worth is not right? There have been about 4 occasions in those 8 years that I have successfully come onto hun and he’s had sex with me.

The last time I simply wore some lingerie, went into the bedroom and before even looking at me he said ‘don’t embarrass yourself’ after that I haven’t tried since.

Sounds like he’s trained you so everything is on his terms. You should be able to have a conversation and not be ignored about important things that are bothering you. Leaving you hanging for a week when you know he likes it more frequently sounds like a control issue.
Time to talk like the grown ups that you are. His way or the highway is not a solution that you are happy with.

He sounds awful! Is he like this in general in your relationship? Everything on his terms.

I feel for you, I’ve never experienced this and if I did I’d be out like a shot.

It’s getting worse :( sorry for the tmi it is literally dripping I’ve changed my underwear and pretty sure I could think my way to an orgasm right now

Dump him, you'll only end up resenting him. And masturbate if you want to. No one has the right to tell you not to touch your own body, especially when he's not giving you pleasure himself. I had an ex like this and it was utterly miserable, I left him for a woman and I'm now very happy.

@Julesit , echoing a previous post here, take control of your own pleasure and don't be confined by a partner who apparently wants sex on his own terms. I'd be having a play if I were you...

Thanks for the replies everyone! And apologies for the tmi post (slightly embarrassed) I honestly don’t know what’s happened I have NEVER experienced this level of being horny before and to be honest never get turned on much. I think I’m going through a stage in life where I am growing and wanting to find/express myself more.

if there is no action tonight I will take my pleasure into my own hands. It’s very frustrating not feeling wanted.

it’s also bothering me not having that level of ‘fun’ in our relationship. I know over the years and with children your sex life can die down… but we are still very much young. Before the children we would have quickies out in random public places etc whereas now it’s only ever the bed or the living room. We never send flirty texts or anything to show we want eachother. It’s solely just a ‘give to him when he wants me’ situation.

I should add that last year he cheated on me. I found out that he managed to do all of those ‘fun exciting’ things with another women. I saw all of the sexual flirting chats, him telling her he’s going to give her double shags 2 days in a row, they also took a sex video in a public changing rooms…. He NEVER does anything like that with me! He does not even send me 1 text unless it’s telling me to do a chore

This sounds very unhealthy. It’s completely one sided and wrong. You need to find yourself someone you can feel comfortable to come onto when you feel horny not have to wait for them to come onto you

@Julesit from a single guy, the best thing you can do is get rid of this dude. He is an absolute creep, cad, bounder and dodgy bloke. Find someone better, there are loads of decent men out there who wouldn't do that/think in those ways. Astounding that women/men put up with toxic situations, but maybe I can be objective because single and not involved currently. I don't understand that behavior, and nor is It remotely acceptable. Find someone who values you as a human being, and doesn't consider you as shag fodder to be used and set aside when he fancy's It.

Jeez, based on that, just end the relationship already

Hi everyone, he has just returned from work. The first thing he said was complaining that I should have changed the bed sheets earlier in the day. I replied ‘hello’ to imply that he hasn’t even said hello to me and he said ‘shut the fuck up’… so yeah no sex tonight.

im over being treated like I’m rubbish, unimportant and not special

He sounds horrible OP. We shouldn't feel obliged to have sex with our partner but it's a turn on to have your partner want you like that. Clearly it's not for him to reject you every single time - he sounds like he derives pleasure from rejecting you, going to the extremes of saying don't embarrass yourself. Dump his ass.

Shut the fuck up? I really hope you can muster the strength to end this relationship, it sounds beyond miserable.

I can't imagine even wanting sex with someone who spoke to me like that. He sounds vile. Surely you can do better than that?

@Chellybelle talking a lot of sense...

I guess he is seeing someone else also now… Is he hiding his phone?

Something terrible has just happened.

he called me to the room and told me that tomorrow I should pick myself up an at home std test.

my heart instantly sank. I asked him why? He refuses to tell me… just giggled and said ‘just do it’.

he’s obviously cheated and caught something… maybe that makes sense why he hasn’t touched me as much the past few weeks?

I don’t get how he can do this. It’s been one year since I found out he cheated previously and it’s taken a whole year for me to move forward past it. It still bothers me everyday but we had moved forward. We’ve been on holidays as a family, every night he cuddles me to sleep and every day he tells me how much he loves me, that he would be stupid to ever lose me and devastated if he ever lost me. That I’m the best thing ever etc. we have plans to get a mortgage very soon. We have so many plans as a family. He constantly talks about how he wants another baby with me soon, to get married etc.

im devastated. I’m sobbing. I don’t know what to do

What a massive controlling disgusting bastard.
Kick him out. I've never recommended this but if you have any brothers, burly friends, now is the time to ring them and tell them what he's done.

Oh god he’s disgusting. Please leave him

I doubt this is real. Seems a bit farfetched, sorry.

I wish it wasn’t real. I am at a loss for words, I can’t believe my whole world is turned upside down in the space of 2 minutes on a random Sunday night… no build up.

I don’t understand how he can calmly tell me this? Like it isn’t a big deal, just another day errand that I need to run? Then guilty giggle as he says it and refuse to tell me why (clearly he’s ashamed to admit that he’s cheating)